The Gnal Head

What you are about to read is true. At first you won't believe it. But it is true.

I was there. The Hoag was there.

And here is the tale:

Let me start off by mentioning that it wasn't just a Gnal Head....but it was a Red Gnal Head.

Which are the worst kind. I think.

Anyhow, the time was the early 1980s and me and Hoag were driving home from buddy night when all of a sudden it appeared as we rounded a bend on Rt.9.

It was huge and it scared the crap out of us. In fact, I think we both pointed at it and screamed at the same time. The screams were borderline girlish.

It was by the lakeside. It was the Red Gnal Head! And it freaked us out.

We kept driving and made it home safely. But we never forgot it.

Even to this day almost 25 years later we still bring it up. We've never told anybody about it before because we knew they wouldn't believe us.

Nobody had ever seen the Red Gnal Head before...and maybe nobody will ever see it again.

We still drive by that same exact spot. We always comment on that night years and years ago.

Still scary. Still freaked out.

All that is there now is a lighted sign that says: Red Signal Ahead.

R.I.P. William F. Buckley

Shame about that ball going thru your legs back in '86. Other than that, I don't hate you. Much.

Rest in Peace, Billy Buck!

Someone sent me this Jesus/God/Satan oneliner list

And I feel compelled to make fun of it. It's God's will. Or Smith's Will. Or Will Robinson's will.



Or something.



1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.



2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.



3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.



4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.



5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.



6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.



7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.



8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.



9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.



10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.



11. The church is prayer-conditioned.



12. When God ordains, He sustains.



13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.



14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.



15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.



16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.



17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.



18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.



19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.



20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.



21. He who angers you controls you.



22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.



23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.



24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.



25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.



26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you.

I was gonna make comments and goofs on each and every one of these but it would have made this blog ten times longer than this is already and it's already longer than anything ever and I'm starting to fall asleep. Here are my Cliff Notes versions of what I would have put down.

#3 and #4 were gonna be Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton jokes,

#1 was gonna be a Lima Bean joke,

#2 was gonna be a Brooke Shields joke,

#5 was gonna be a EXCLAMATION MARK!!,

#6 was going to ditto #5,

#7 was going to be in the voice of Pee-Wee Herman forgetting to laugh,

Nothing for #8,

Nine was gonna be a cremation joke,

#10 was gonna be a vote for Obama cuz he's all about change,

#11 was gonna get vomited on cuz it's so bad,

I have no clue what #12 even means. Religious freaks!,

I kinda like #13...it's just well written,

#14 somehow made me nod my head,

Nothing for #15,

Is god so clever and witty that he'd like #16? I think not.,

#17...why would God walk?

I'm guessing the devil has a nice car. Fast one...a red one. It's got the number 18 on it's door.

#19? stupid.

#20 is stupid.

#21 is stupid and I'm getting bored with the Lord.

#22 God must love the puns. I'm pretty much hating them.

#23 basically says that Satan is 11 inches tall.

#24 "Ace abortion...you rape 'em, we scrape 'em" That's kinda what #24 sounds like. Or something.

#25 has me drifting off.

#26 is actually quite good. I wish I wrote #26 myself.

So To Sum Up:
God good. Satan bad. Hillary is a bitch.

Still more on Fidel Castro

So Fidel resigns. People are relieved.

For close to fifty years folks were in an uproar about Fidel's human rights violations and blah blah blah. Fidel was evil blah blah blah. He was keeping his people poor blah blah blah*.

Calm it down folks. Keep it in perspective.

He wasn't doing anything bad to white people or black people. He was just doing it to Cubans.

Damn stinkin' brown people! That speak funny! And drive 1957 Chevys! And play baseball. And make the cane of sugar.

And who cares about Cubans? They're gosh darn commies! ('gosh darn' in Cuban sounds like gibberish words...kinda like senor avec la flour bifteck)

*blah blah blah means I could go on and on and on about something but I really don't know what I'm talking about so by putting in blah blah blah it appears I have knowledge of the subject I'm writing about. Blah blah blah.

Spicy Buffalo Wings

So I'm preparing merchandise for shipment (I'm packing a box) and I start applying a clear adhesive strip (tape) to the container (box) when all of a sudden I realize that the clear adhesive strip (tape) smells like Spicy Buffalo Wings (chicken wings with barbecue sauce on them)

Tape that smells like buffalo wings! It's awesome and now I'm starving for them.

I'm just hoping when I finally get them I don't get an overwhelming urge to start preparing merchandise for shipments.

Cuz that would suck (not be good).

Cuz I'd have Buffalo Sauce (BBQ sauce) all over my fingers and the merchandise would get all BBQuie.

And now the merchandise would smell of Spicy Buffalo Wings.

The Circle of Life....the Circle of Life....

Let's sum up the Oscars (even though I didn't watch)

1. Jon Stewart was mildly amusing.

2. A bunch of the pictures nominated you've never heard of.

3. A bunch of the actors nominated you've never heard of.

4. They showed Jack Nicholson in the audience a few times. Most likely he was wearing sunglasses and laughing.

5. Johnny Depp was probably in the audience trying to look all sophisticated with glasses and interesting clothing.

6. If they showed Tommy Lee Jones there is a good chance that people all over the world recoiled and said: "Oh my god....he's so old and ugly!"

7. Someone won for some category that's dull and then proceeded to thank a bunch of folks you never heard of and then the music played them off.

8. Somebody accepting an award didn't quite understand how good microphones are and got way too close and hunchbacked while speaking into it. Hey Doofus! You don't have to do that! It can pick up your voice...just talk!!

9. When they showed the dead guys montage, Heath Ledger got the biggest applause. Nobody clapped for that assisstant gaffer from the 1950s.

10. People 'laughed' at 'jokes' about the ceremony going too long.

11. They showed Jack Nicholson again. He was still wearing sunglasses and laughing.

12. Gay folks wore red ribbons and cured AIDS. Al Gore sycophants wore green ribbons and cured "global warming"

13. Nothing for #13

14. Five horrible musical numbers were performed honoring the five nominated horrible best songs.

15. A star was a presenter and they somehow promoted his/her new movie with theme music from said new movie and or TV show.

16. A gorgeous actress presenter had to ruin her whole look by putting on goofy glasses to read her two lines off the teleprompter...instead of just memorizing them BECAUSE SHE'S AN ACTRESS AND IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO MEMORIZE LINES!!!!

17. Johnny Carson or Billy Crystal would have done a better job hosting.

18. There were seven jewish jokes. Most of them about agents and lawyers.

19. The best picture probably sucked. The best actor probably sucked. The best actress was probably British.

20. I watched episodes of HEROES on dvd....

Cuba Gooding Jr.

Well, it seems that Cuba Gooding Jr. has become very, very powerful...if not un-American.



According to CNN.COM ( http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/americas/02/24/cuba.handover/index.html) he gets to choose the replacement for Fidel Castro.

He's also slated for work on Snow Dogs 2.

(Fidel Castro was not in Snow Dogs 1.)

New word game!

So if we take seven random numbers and assign them each to a letter of the greek alphabet and then swap them out three places further down would it make sense to then roll a pair of dice to calculate what letters were gonna use in today's new word game?

Let's try the numbers 2-7-1-8-8-9

Things overheard in my shop today.

"Are you trying to bribe an officer?"

"I had a white eyepatch after getting a tree branch stuck in my eye...they called me Stick Fury."

"You've got a Hawaiian Dick."

"If I threw up in your mouth would you swallow it or spit it up and ruin some comics?"

'Why do they call him Droopy?"

"Is the price what the price sticker says?"

"I am an expert on Thor."

"Nice shirt."

"Are there any good shops around here?"

"Where can I discard this soiled tissue?"

"Can I use your bat room?"

"It was the 1980s..."

"Do you have any bunson burners?"

"Do they ticket outside?"

"Did a boy about this high come in?"

"I'd f*ck me some She-Hulk."

"My legs get all swollen so I can't work."

"We should steal Yoda."

"Can you hold these for me in case my regular shop is sold out of them?"

"Catch ya on the flip-side!"

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Look it's Superman ::pointing at Green Lantern:: "

"Righty-O!"

"I remember when they were a nickel."

The new blog rules are in!

1. The 45 second retelling of a dream rule has been raised to 50 seconds.

2. Posting of YouTube videos is mailing it in.

3. Posting of YouTube videos over 1 minute long will not be watched to the end of said video.

4. Blogging is about getting to the point.

5. Hitler is always good for a blog when ya really have nothing to talk about. It's Hitler...what's not to love?

6. Movie reviews? Verbotten!

7. Food is always good for blog fodder. Mmmmmmm.....fodder! With brownies!

8. Calling me No Oprah is crazy...I'm Ain't No Oprah. Understand the math? Retards.

9. Using the words beauty and Hillary in the same sentence is forbidden...unless said sentence goes like this: 'That was a beauty of a rock thrown at Hillary.' Or something.

10. There is nothing for #10

11. When in doubt...BEATLES GAME!

12. Poofy shall only be used when talking about Hoagy's hair....never when discussing sexuality.

13. Did we mention Hitler?

14. Numbered lists are always cool for blogs...it makes reading fun!

.......and a bunch of other rules I'll make up as you piss me off.

Victor Fleming and Fidal Castro

A few of you might know who Victor Fleming is....but not many of you.

Go ahead...google him.

Victor Fleming directed Gone With The Wind and The Wizard of Oz. That in itself is pretty cool, correct?

But the really cool part is that he directed them in the same year, 1939.

So what does this have to do with Fidal Castro resigning?

Nothing.

But it's kinda cool that Fidal was in power thru 10 US Presidents.

Two totally random pieces of information now forever linked together because I just linked them.

Victor Fleming > Fidal Castro

Woof !

So I'm driving down the Pike this morning and I see a bumper sticker that says:

'Woof! If You Support Rescue and Adoption.'

This can only mean one of two things.

Us humans woof.

Or...

The dogs are now a reading.

R.I.P. for Anyone

Yup.

R.I.P. Joe from the old Rhoda TV Show

Whatever your real name is. You'll be missed by folks that know that real name.

They are probably sad.

Us?
Not so much.

I HEART Today

You can just about feel the love. It's special and it overtakes every fiber of our beings.

Some folks make fun of today because they say it's manufactured or fake or something.

But it's real. It's amazing what it's like when this love overwhelms you....takes you over. Brings you back to all of those other special days together. It's love and like and everything else in between.

I always try and act like today doen't choke me up. Sometimes my eyes fill with tears just from the pure unadultered love that truly flows on this most special of days. I fell in love with you in the 1970s and it's stronger than ever.

Yes folks, today is special.

Today is February 14th.

And I'm thinking of you...My darlin' Wifey. My Blonde Buddy T, Bacon Ace, and Tex. Lois and Clinky. Ex Mrs Bacon Ace. Cake, Mother of Gawd, RedBeard....my friends and lovers on HaloScan, my friends in the neighborhood....Rick from Casablanca...(hell, even Juanita and Maddog and Hoagy and Sparkle and Jayne and Cousin Saul and all of you other loveless bastards....even they can feel the love and the beating of my heart)

Today is February 14th and today is the day that Pitchers and Catchers report to spring training.

And stupid Hallmark doesn't have a card for it so I had to write it down here.

I love you Baseball....I've missed you. And I hate Hillary.

Needs me some sleeps

So I'm tossing and turning most of the night. I couldn't sleep. The same thoughts just kept pouring through me brain.

It was driving me crazy. How could it be? It makes no sense!

Over and over and over I tried thinking it through. I tried being like scientist and coming to a conclusion that was based on the data I had.

It still made no sense. It was and is borderline insane.

Tossing. Turning.

I almost went downstairs and fired up a computer to search online for the answer.

But I knew it wouldn't be there. I wondered if others knew what I knew. Were they losing sleep because of it? Could we, together, solve this?

Probably not.

Hopefully by writing this down it'll be out of my system and sleep will come back to me.

I hope.

The problem?

The plural of FISH is FISH.

Example:
"Hey look! I caught one fish!"

Example: Hey look! I caught ten fish!"

So to sum up:
The plural of fish should be fishes.

Example plural: "Hey look! I caught me fishes!"

Example singular: "Hey look! I caught me fish."

You can thank me for your upcoming sleep.

Cold Ain't Warming....Smart Guy.

Dear Al Gore,

So why is it so cold out? Huh?

Think you're a smart guy....don't ya? Huh? Smart guy. The planet is warming up. Global warming.

'Fraid not, Tubby. Cuz I'm cold. And cold ain't warming. Tubby.

I'm not even sure what your motive is. Do you own stock in Carrier? Maybe a little Freon Business in Texas? Maybe you're hoping to buy some cheap land at the Arctic Circle when folks move out cuz it's so 'warm'.

The globe is warming. But it's cold. But the warmth is coming...correct? Tubby?

When?

And where did you get your science degree anyhow...Tubby? Were the classrooms warm? And that was good, correct? And the cold is bad, correct? And you're an idiot, correct? And Tubby, correct?

A Tubby, lying, fake scientist. That's what you are. Is that correct? Are you warm or cold?

Ever been to the Arctic Circle? Is it warm?? I think NOT!!! Is the ice melted?? I think NOT!! Are our cities flooded?? Well...maybe a couple of them, but they're down south and nobody much cares.

So To Sum Up:
I'm cold and Al Gore is a tubby idiot.

Or he's correct and we're all gonna die wonderfully warm deaths.

Summing up is hard to do.

So I'm on (in) an airplane yesterday when all of a sudden the man stewardess came on the speaker to inform the passengers that the noise we just heard was a 'balloon popping on the aircraft'

So To Sum Up:
Al Qaeda is so weakened by our aggressive stance in Iraq that they've now resorting to just trying to startle us using balloons.

So To Double Sum Up:
We are no longer allowed to bring balloons on planes.

So To Triple Sum Up:
People that work at airports and the airlines always refer to the airplanes as 'aircraft'

Always. Like it's a rule. Or something. Aircraft.

So to Quadruple Sum Up:
If you want to impress chicks like Leo DiCaprio does in 'Catch Me If You Can' by pretending to be a pilot make sure you call the plane 'an aircraft'.

So To Sum Up To Whatever We Call the Number 5 Slot:
Airplane folk and people in the airplane business are kooky. And they have 'man stewardesses'. They call them SissyCraft.

FBI Arrests 'The Greaseball,' 'Jackie the Nose,' 'Tommy Sneakers,' and 'Bobby the Jew'...

So it seems that the FBI made a sweeping arrest of numerous members of the Gambino Family....

I wish I was in the mob just to get a cool nickname.

And with this being an election year I was thinking what the mob would nickname current and former politicians.

1. 'Georgy Dimrod'

2. 'Hillary the Cackle'

3. Johnny 'Splattered Brains' Kennedy

4. Richie 'The Crook' Nixon

5. 'Rudy the Major'

6. 'No-tofu Taft'

7. Mike 'Helmethead' Dukakis

8. John 'Munster' Kerry

You get the idea....

Bite a 'Ho

So last night I'm watching the results of the primary voting across the Unites States when all of a sudden it hit me.



It hit me bigtime.



I was stunned. Amazed. I knew what I had to do.



It seems the United States doesn't have any states that begin with the letter B. I'm here to change that.



And not only that....but I'm gonna change who lives in those states and what goes on in those states.



Because I'm in charge. Or something.



1. Bearizona: This will be a great state...but just for bears.



2. Best Virginia: This will be the better of the two Virginias. The Best Virginia. Only the better people will be allowed to live here.



3. Barkansas: This will be a state just for dogs....seems fitting that Hillary Clinton was from here. Be warned....Barkansas will be a noisy state.



4. Blokelahoma: This is where we'll put all transplanted British folk. Toot-toot, bip-bip.



5. Bi-oming: This is where we'll put the gay folk and bi-sexuals. It'll be like San Francisco but not as cool.



6. Boregon: This will be just for the dullards.



7. Balabama-wop-boom-bam: This is where Little Richard will live. Unless he relocates to Bi-oming.



8. Boo Hampshire: This is where all the dead people will 'live'. They will not be happy.



These are just some of my early ideas. I might make all states begin with other letters that are not in use. I'm undecided.

The Stab Your Eyes Out Game.

It's actually called The Politics Game.

And today is Super Tuesday in (the real) America and voters in about 20 states cast their ballots for their choices.

So spin the spinner and move around the board.

If you:

1. Land on Cankles....stab you eyes out. (cankles are that unknown region on Hillary where the ankle ends and the calf begins....it's hard to spot as it just looks like one weird stovepipe)

2. Land on Ronald Reagan...enjoy 8 years of peace and prosperity!

3. Land on Hillary....QUICK! get up before the stank seeps in!

4. Land on Obama...feel good about yourself for a few months and then realize he probably won't get much done.

5. Land on Romney...get a spiffy haircut.

6. Land on McCann...high five everyone around you...except McCann....seems his arm doesn't go up because of the 'torture' he received in Vietnam. Or something.

7. Land on Jimmy Carter...be ineffective for the rest of the game.

8. Land on JFK...bang some hot broads.

9. Land on Bill Clinton...bang some ugly broads.

10. Land on Hillary Clinton again....stab your eyes out!

11. Land on Bob Dole....is he even still alive? Lose tightly gripped pencil.

12. Land on George W. Bush....is he even still alive? Stab your eyes out.

13. Land on something called a Huckabee...move to the next space.

14. Land on Health Care....mock the Clinton's failed health care plan. Stab eyes out.

15. Land on Teddy Kennedy...stab your eyes out.

16. Land on Rudy G....he's America's Mayor! Milk 9/11 for all it's worth.

17. Land on John Kerry....stab eyes out. Once more. Gouge 'em good. Make sure they're out of your skull. Must not take chance of seeing his ugly mug EVER again. Stab eyes one more time. Twice. STABSTABSTAB!

18. Land on Al Gore...ohhhh....he's gotten chubby! Lose meal allowance. Stab eyes out before they heat up the planet.

19. Land on Al Sharpton....stab out Whitey's eyes.

20. Land on Jesse Jackson....ask him how Tito is. Stab eyes out.

21. Land on Adolf Hitler....start thousand year reich. Make it last 12 years. Kill jews, pat puppies. Shoot eyes out in bunker.

And how does one win this game?

Vote the way I'm voting. That's how.

So to sum up:
ABC....Anyone But Hillary. It's my mantra. It should be yours.

(Shake and Bake. El Diablo)

Super Bowl XXXOOO

I love football. But I love baseball more. A lot more.

I'm watching the Super Bowl last night and my New England Patriots got spanked big time and it didn't really even bother me. I slept like a baby afterwards.

Now if my Red Sox lose a heartbreaker in the middle of May I'm up tossin' and turnin' all night long.

So to sum up:

Football is a nice little game in the winter.

Baseball is what cures cancer.

Or something. Go Red Sox!

XXOO

Exxon / Mobil have record profits!

And it's a good thing.

Cuz if they didn't make a huge profit how could they afford to have all those gas station attendents pumping our gas, cleaning our windshield, checking our oil and tire pressure?

And those cool hats.

Dead Jews on carnival float (AND HITLER!)

First off I'd like to apologize for not having another blog post about starving mud cookie eatin' Haitians. You come to expect those kinda heart warming, belly fillin' stories.

But by the looks of my subject box something more important came up.

(I'd like to thank the Hoag for sending me this story.)

Seems there is a big carnival in Rio De Janeiro and some group of brainiacs decided to make a float with big piles of dead Jews on it and then have a guy dressed as Hitler standing on top of it.

I'm not making that up.

But the folks running the carnival ain't gonna let them. Can you believe that? They won't let them have a carnival float depicting dead jews with Hitler standing on top of them.

Here is the link to the full story: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22934625

What has the world come to when ya can't view a parade with dead Jews on a carnival float? And a guy dressed as Hitler standing on top of them.

The horror...

PS:
I never even knew dead Jews could float. Can dead Germans float?