What to say to Trick or Treaters!!

Don't like talking to trick or treaters?

Don't know what to say to them?

Use this handy Cheat-Sheet of time-honored classics:

1) "Aren't you ADORABLE!! Hey Honey, come here and look at this Cutie!"

2) "OHHHH!! Scary!!!"

3) "And what are YOU supposed to be?"

4) "Aren't you kinda old to be trick or treatiing??"

5) "We're out of candy...would you like a penny or a band-aid"

6) "You're out kinda late, huh?"

7) "Oh, look, our first Batman!" (19th Batman)

8) "Oh, look, our first Princess!" (27th Princess)

9) "HOBO!"

10) "GET OFFA MY LAWN!!!"

Or maybe this one?

Best song of the 1980s (because I said so!)

MASH-UPS

I've gone my whole life without hearing the term 'mash-up'.

But now all of a sudden in the last two weeks I've heard it fourteen or eighteen times!! Maybe nineteen times!

STOP WITH THE MASH-UPS! (does Federal Express get angry at this??)

The only thing I want mashed up is my potatoes.

And butternut squash. Little brown sugar. Lots of butter.





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A visit from Lois and her kids

So Lois and her kids stop in the shop today for a visit.

The little guy spots a Black Jesus bobblehead doll.

Here is the conversation that followed:

LITTLE GUY: "Mom! Who is this?"

LOIS: "That's Black Jesus."

LITTLE GUY: "What can he do?"

LOIS: "Everything White Jesus can. And dance."

The Heimlich Manure

So I wake up last night and that is going through my brain.

I know it's a 'winner'.

The Heimlich Manure.

I know it's a great punchline. I'll build a story around it and then BAM!

Heimlich Manure.

The guffaws will be heard from here to there.

I will be famous.

The Heimlich Manure!

Funny funny.

And then I thought..."Crap, that's something Crazy Jason would think of!"

It's only a matter of time before he calls with a Heimlich Manure story.

I know this.

I think he's inside me.

Or something.

I think I just came up with a way to keep America safe from ever being attacked.

It's a simple plan.

Most of our clothes are made overseas, correct?

So lets change up sizing.

Huh?

We'll send design changes to the factories in Taiwan and China and Pakistan etc.

For example:

A man's dress shirt that would normally be an extra-large...now label it small. They will think we're HUGE!

A normally XXL shirt?? Label it medium. They will tremble.

Etc.


These dumb ass countries will think Americans are GIANTS and POWERFUL and they will leave us alone. ("Amelicans berry big, berry strong")

Clever, huh?

Excuse me while I wash in my own genius.

PS:

We'll also change female dress sizes to a minimum of 40. Keep the bastards from wanting our women.

God Bless America.

It was five years ago today, Sgt Pepper taught the band to play

Joe

Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting

You remind me of a man.

"What man?"

"A man with a power."

"Power of what?"

"Voodoo."

"Who do?"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of a man."

"What man?"

"A man with a power."

"Power of what?"

"Voodoo."

"Who do?"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of a man."

"What man?"

"A man with a power."

"Power of what?"

"Voodoo."

"Who do?"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of a man."

"What man?"

Or something.
-----

Phillies in seven.

Swine Flu. You got that?

It's Swine Flu. (It's just been declared a National Emergency! Good thing Obama is on the ball...oh, wait...he knew about this eight months ago)

Swine Flu.

That's what you call it.

That's what I call it.

Swine Flu.

But somehow in the last couple of weeks the media is calling it H1N1 Flu.

All scientific-ey

Or IS it the media that's calling it H1N1?

Could it be...our government??

It's one of the two.

Or could it be the Pig Lobby? (don't wanna be giving pigs a bad name or anything)

It's Swine Flu. You know it. I know it. They know it. But they're now calling it H1N1 Flu


Swine Flu...it rolls off the tongue. H1N1 Flu...not so much.

When you look at H1N1 in print your (my) first thought is that it's pronounced 'HINEY'

I wish it was the Hiney Flu. Something humorous about that.

The Hiney Flu.

Point of the story?

If the Hoag had actually been the one to invent taxicabs he would be a very very wealthy man. With Hiney Flu.

Or something.

I want soup! (RIP)

Million dollar idea, two dollar brain. Or is it a two dollar idea in a million dollar brain?

I'm gonna paraphrase a conversation with the Hoag.

HOAG: "I just came up with a million dollar idea!"

ME: "And what might that be?"

HOAG: "Well, let's say you're out drinking and you drink too much..."

ME: "Yeah, yeah...go on?"

HOAG: "Well, we could provide a driving service where we pick you up at wherever you're drinking and drive you home."

ME: "You mean like a taxi cab?"

HOAG: "I guess it is....crap."

ME: "Should we have another drink?"

Time is up

Looks like it's just about time to delete some slackers.

Dear France,

Sometimes I sell stuff on ebay.

In my listing I mention that I will only ship to the US.

So unless you want us to go all Hitler on you...STOP BIDDING ON MY STUFF BECAUSE IT SCREWS UP MY AUCTIONS!!

You got that, leAsshole? lePoof?

The successful criminal brain is always superior. It has to be! (RIP)

I love you, FOXNEWS.COM !!

>Somalia’s hardline Islamist group al Shabaab is cracking down on residents who do not follow a strict form of Sharia Islamic law, now publicly whipping women who wear bras, the Times of India reported.

Residents tell the paper that gunmen have been gathering women in Mogadishu who are perceived to have firm busts. These women are then publicly whipped by masked men as punishment for what Islamist leaders call deception.

After the public whippings, the women are forced to remove their bras and shake their breasts, the Times reported.

“Al Shabaab forced us to wear their type of veil and now they order us to shake our breasts,” a resident, Halima, told the Times of India.
<


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Why do women like men?

HOAX!

Balloon trapped in well!


(Someone else made that joke (hoax) up)

AMAZING!!!

Helium filled boy-less balloon floats!!!

World stunned!

(Parents name boy FALCON...WORLD STUNNED!)

A couple of Crazy Jasons, A text conversation with Wifey, maybe a snippet, an RIP for Johnny Fontaine. Or something.

TEXT CONVERSATION WITH WIFEY AND ME:

ME: "Woof!"

WIFEY: "Huh?"

ME: "Hi."

WIFEY: "I'll be home soon."

----------------


CRAZY JASON: "You know that great assassin Sirhan Sirhan?"

ME: "I know of him, yes..."

CRAZY JASON: "He would have made a great Han Solo..."

ME: "Hmmmm."

CRAZY JASON: You know, if he didn't bop future Presidents."

ME: "Thank you."

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ME: "The guy who plays Eric on True Blood came in my store today!"

DAUGHTER: "OH MY GOD! Did you get his autograph? You're lying, aren't you?"

ME: "I'm lying."

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The Pissboy is a man.

So this guy (pissboy) comes into my shop today and loudly proclaims: "EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE I HAVE TO PISS!!"

I just looked at him.

Somehow it's my fault that he has to 'piss'.

(Have I ever told anyone how much I hate the word piss?)

So if EVERY TIME he comes in here he has to piss you'd think that maybe Pissboy would piss at home before he comes down here.

But that would be too simple...instead he needs to proclaim "EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE I HAVE TO PISS!!"

Maybe, just maybe, Pissboy should watch his liquids before he shops. Ya think?

But it's my fault that he has to piss EVERY TIME HE COMES DOWN HERE!!

I don't need to know his piss schedule or what makes him piss or why he needs to piss in my shop.

He's a pisser, plain and simple.

A pissboy.

The super weird part is that he proclaims "EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE I HAVE TO PISS!!" yet he never askes to use my bathroom.

So now I'm thinking about his filled bladder...his huge prostate....his tinkle factory.

He bought a DVD...said DVD had a water theme. Really. In fact it was the largest grossing water themed movie of all-time.

Maybe watching water-themed movies...or even thinking about water-themed movies is the cause of his piss-passion.

But none of us really need to know about it.

Keep your piss needs to yourself. I don't need to know.

And that my friends, is the Saga of the Pissboy.

This certainly explains why the broads are all over me all the time:

THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL:

It ushered in the 1960s sexual revolution and gave women control over their own fertility.
But the Pill may also have changed women's taste in men, according to a study.
Scientists say the hormones in the oral contraceptive suppress a woman's interest in masculine men and make boyish men more attractive. Although the change occurs for just a few days each month, it may have been highly influential since use of the Pill began more than 40 years ago.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1218808/Contraceptive-pill-women-attracted-masculine-men--interested-boyish-looks.html#ixzz0TMQmPBQe

Cousin Saul wrote this, I'm posting it. (Please don't make fun of his dress)

Friends and family,

I would guess that many of you are getting tired of me "talking" about my son, Adam, but this Saturday would have been his 30th birthday. (hard to believe he'd be 30 years old!)

I learned several things from Adam...I learned that I need to love people more. I learned that I shouldn't expect people to behave as I would like them to behave. I learned that I need to overcome my fears and try new things. Adam loved to read and write poetry and although I'm NOT a big poetry fan, I decided to try to write a short poem for his 30th birthday gift. I don't really know if he would have liked my poem, but he would be glad that I tried....Saul Fowley



AIRPORT TIME

While we wait at the West Palm Beach Airport

I watch the people with the summer-colored skin

Eagerly awaiting the arrival of their sons or daughters.

Voyagers from the land of the working.

As the weary travellers disembark from the planes

And excitedly rush into their parents embrace,

I miss you all the more, my son.

I look forward to the day, in the next life,

When we can embrace once again.

Happy birthday Adam.

I love you.

Dad, 10-6-09

Lazy Love and The Snippets

So the other day Wifey leaves before I wake up and puts a note on the counter that says 'I Love You'

Very nice.

When I get home that night I notice said note on her desk in the kitchen.

No big deal...she just hasn't thrown it away yet.

So this morning I stumble into the kitchen before Wifey has left and I notice the same note sitting on the counter 'I Love You'

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "You can't just leave an old 'I Love You' note on the counter."

WIFEY: "Yes I can."

------------

LADY FROM INDIA: "I'm guessing you get a lot of Indians in here."

ME: "Yes...A lot."

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At a restaurant the other night and we have this wannabee sexy waitress that is kinda flirting around. She takes a cloth napkin and she very carefully places it on the upper part of my leg and kinda patting and smoothing it down. Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "Wow...I don't think I can stand up right now."

HER: " Wow..I don't think I can sit down."

(She got a good tip)

-------------

In OLD NAVY:

ME: "Those mannequins are creepy!"

GAL CLERK: "I have to dress them...you should see them naked."

ME: "I wish..."

--------------

A TEXT TO MY OLDEST DAUGHTER:

ME: "Hey."

HER: "Hey."

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Top Ten Reasons Dave Letterman slept with his staffers.

10) He's a man.

9) He's a man.

8) He's a man.

7) He's a man.

6) He's a man.

5) He's a man.

4) He's a man.

3) He's a man.

2) He's a man.

And the number one reason David Letterman slept with some of his staff:

1) He's a man.