The Second Dumbest Guy On The Planet

This guy comes into my store the other day and here is how the conversation went:

DUMB GUY: "How much is that bobblehead?"

ME: "$19.95"

DUMB GUY: "That's like $20.00, right?"

ME: "Yes."

I love this business.

Mindy & The Marathon

I love this story. It's something I've never ever heard of, yet it makes so much sense.

I was out Friday night with this gal I'll call Mindy (her husband Munson was there also) and she was telling me about when she runs the 26 mile Bostom Marathon she has her name 'MINDY' written on her leg in big letters. As she runs through the crowded streets people start calling and chanting her name which in turn inspires her to keep running and running and hopefully helps her make better time in finishing the gut wrenching race.

How cool is that?

Next year we're gonna write 'asshole' on her leg figuring she'll run faster with tens of thousands of people chanting ASSHOLE! at her. I know I would.

The Woman With The Tattoo On Her Leg

So I'm working my tail off yesterday when this woman comes in and starts looking around.

I notice this very cool intricate tattoo on her leg and decide to comment on it.

Here is how that conversation went:

ME: "WOW! Thats a beautiful tattoo...how long have you had it?"

HER: "What tattoo?"

ME: "That one there on your leg"

HER: "That's not a tattoo"

ME: "What is it?"

HER: "Those are spider veins"

ME: "Oh...sorry"

::Woman leaves.::

Google: spider veins.

There IS a moral to this story.

'Shut the fuck up about womens legs.'

Happy Memorial Day...see you losers Tuesday.

Memorial Day Weekend Part 2

So you have the whole weekend off and I'm wonderering what you did.

Did you golf? I worked.

Maybe you went to the beach. I worked.

Went to the mountains in New Hampshire? I worked.

Maybe you went to a cookout. I of course worked.

I'm sure you went to a movie...X-Men 3? I worked.

Swimming at Lake George? I'm at work so I couldn't do that.

Maybe a trip to the Casino...some roulette, maybe some poker. I couldn't go. I had to work.

Cocktails by the pool? Nope, had to work.

Maybe a summer concert on the Common. Not me. Workin'.

Steamed clams? Lobster rolls? Not for me...I am at work. Peanut butter.

Good times, laughter, friends, family, food, and fun. Not me. Work to be done.

Maybe you took in a Red Sox game or two? Not me. I'm working.

Just relaxing outside...maybe reading the Sunday paper....big glass of ice cold lemonade? Not me. I'm at work. With a lukewarm bottle of water.

Feeling sorry for me? Well, you shouldn't be. I'm having a blast.

See you losers Tuesday.

Memorial Day Weekend

It's a holiday weekend in the United States, so like most Americans I'll be out at the pool listening to the gentle clinking of the wind chimes, the soft relaxing chirping of the birds, and surrounded by family and friends.

Or maybe I'll be working the whole freakin' weekend.

See you losers Tuesday!

My One and Only Road Rage Incident

This happened a few years ago:

Every single day I take the Massachusetts Turnpike to work and every single day I pay the same toll at the same exit. Most of the time I even give the money to the same guy at the same booth. For years and years I see the same people, make the same small talk.

So this one day I pull up to my regular guy and discover I can't find my ticket (this was before those transponder thingies) He informs me that without the ticket I'll have to pay the maximum toll.

My response:
"Dude, I drive this road every day and every day I give you the same amount of money...you know who I am"

His response:
"Sorry, those are the rules"

At this point the road rage starts. I start screaming at him! I try getting out of my car to strangle him but can't because my car door keeps hitting the tollbooth! And I'm so stupid I keep slamming the car into the tollbooth as if by doing it harder I'll be free of my car and ready to choke. I'm furious! I'm stuck in my car, horns are honking all around me, and the douchebag in the booth needs death. I'm not even close to rational at this point. I start taking all the change in my car and just start throwing it at him...empty water bottles, magazines, newspapers, umbrellas....anything not tied down I'm chucking at him. Finally I just drive off, beet red and shaking.

By the time I get home I'm calm and wicked embarrassed. I decide to phone the tollbooth to say I'm sorry. Have you ever phoned a tollbooth? It aint easy. I get a hold of Jay's supervisor and tell him the story. He already knows it and appreciates my call and tells me he'll pass it on to Jay.

Now keep in mind I still have to drive to work everyday, but I'm WAY too embarrassed and start going a different way every day so I won't have to run into Jay.

A year or two goes by and I finally say the heck with and go back to my regular route. And guess who is the very first tollbooth guy I get?

Nope, not Jay.

I get Jay the second day and we both just start cracking up and rehashing the incident. I think I place all the blame on my wife or mistress.

He understands.
And almost everyday he gives me a knowing nod and smile.

Someday I'm gonna lose my ticket again...I hope I get Jay.

There is no moral to this story.

Marry, F, or Kill.

It's a very simple game that sometimes gets played in 'the neighborhood' at parties. I believe it was totally swiped from some other game sold at fine toy stores everywhere.

I'll list three 'celebrities' and you have to pick if you'd rather marry them, sleep with them (F them), or kill them.

1a) David Letterman
1b) Jay Leno
1c) Jimmy Kimmel

2a) Saddam Hussein
2b) Osama bin Laden
2c) Al Gore

3a) Oprah
3b) Rosie O'Donell
3c) Hillary Clinton

4a) Cake
4b) Roger the Shrubber
4c) Clinky

5a) Jorge Posada
5b) ARod
5c) Derek Jeter

6a) Mrs. Brady
6b) Mrs. Partridge
6c) Mrs Cleaver.

7a) Bugs Bunny
7b) Daffy Duck
7c) Foghorn Leghorn

8a) Santa Claus
8b) Easter Bunny
8c) The Great Pumpkin

9a) Charlize Theron
9b) Teri Hatcher
9c) Scarlet Johanson

10a) Simon Cowell
10b) Paula Abdul
10c) Randy Jackson

Answer any you feel like and add a threesome of two of your own.

Good Things Happen To Good People.

(I was pretty much speechless when I saw this picture)

Things I'm Gonna Do After My Wife Dies In Iraq From A Roadside Bomb

1. Buy a spittoon.

2. Mourn.

3. Designate one of the closets at my house just for my slipper collection.

4. Have a LIFETIME movie marathon for me and my buddies.

5. Rename the kitchen The Hostess Pantry.

6. Stop belching.

7. Put dust ruffles on all beds.

8. Re-subscribe to the Oprah magazine.

9. Buddy Night will now become Buddy Month.

10. Take spitting lessons (you know, for the new spittoon)

11. Invest all of my remaining time, money, and energy into why NY Yankee fans smell so...ummmm.....different.

26 REASONS WHY GEORGE W. BUSH IS THE BEST PRESIDENT OF THE 21st CENTURY

1. He's a great clearer of brush.

2. He's nice to his mom.

3. Hot daughters

4. Never wears white past Veterans Day.

5. Beat Saddamn at arm wrestling.

6. Is building a big fence or something.

7. Tax breaks

8. Is pretty nice to dogs.

9. Doesn't wear capri pants like a certain J*hn K*rry probably does.

10. He puts the 'rep' in republican.

11. And the 'pub'

12. And the 'can'

13. He invented the beta max.

14. Ummmmm...ahhh. Salt n' Pepa hair.

15. Has 'My Sharona' on his ipod.

16. Saved Afgan rugs from the Taliban.

17. Is NOT a damn dirty ape like a certain A* G*re.

18. I said 26? Why did I say 26???

19. Nothing for #19

20. Sent in troops to IRAQ to remove roadside bombs...they seem to be getting most of them.

21. Stood on World Trade Center rubble with a bullhorn...how fucking cool was that??

22. Said cool patriotic stuff on said mound of rubble.

23. Organized cool concerts post 9/11...Bruce, Stones, the Who, etc...almost worth knocking a few buildings down for, huh?

24. He hired Donald Rumsfeld.

25. Building that fence to keep Canadians out.

26. He reads my blog. And Clinky's.

The Last Post Was Deleted Due To Technical Difficulties.

And now I have nothing to say.

Though business still thrives here.

And it especially thrives on the 3rd and 4th of each month.

Here are some of the more notable ones:

1. Mary's Mis-Matched Shoe Shack

2.Wally's Wobbily Shopping Cart Wheel Repair Hut.

3. The Refrigerator Box Shop.

4. The Bottle of "Water" in a Paper Bag Store.

5. The Vietnam Vets Flashback and Bingo Hall

6. The Bottle & Can Redemption Center and Meeting Place.

7. Sheer Madness Stubble Stylist.

8. The Lottery Scratch Ticket and Soup Kitchen House

9. Say Jesus Three Times OCD Help Center

10. Feed The PigeonsPark.

If you've drivin in Homeless Town, I'm sure you've seen other thriving business...

Frankly, My Dear, You're Gonna Need A Bigger Boat

As you probably already know, today is 'National Take Two Movie Quotes and make Them Into One Fake Movie Quote Day'

No rules...google or the internet is fine.

1."They call me MISTER Tibbs ya damn dirty ape!" (In the Heat of the Night/Planet of the Apes

2. "Yo, Adrian I'm King of the World!" (Rocky/Titanic)

See how fun this is?

3. "Stella! Hey Stella, I love the smell of napalm in the morning" (Streetcar Named Desie/Apocalypse Now)

So now it's your turn....(and to misquote Fredo:)
'Now get to work on yours the the way I want it! You can handle things! You're smart! Not like everybody says... like dumb... You're smart and you want respect!'

The Hot Chick on the Fire Escape

I've told this story before, so if you've heard it go back to looking at internet porn or whatever it is you were doing.

A few years ago I'm out back taking some stuff out of my car when I look up at one of the adjoining buildings and see this SMOKING HOT chick standing on the fire escape.

Long hair, longer legs, shorter skirt, and smoking a cigarette doing that 'french inhale' thing where the smoke floats out of the mouth and then gets sucked up through the nose. Way hot. This girl was gorgeous.

Within about 15 seconds I know my wife is going to die of natural causes (broken brake line while descending Mt. Washington) and then I'll be able to spend the rest of my life with FireEscapeGal.

And then it happens:

This babe sorta lifts up one leg and lets out the biggest, loudest, longest fart EVER! She then turns and looks at me, turns beet red, and then quickly re-enters her building.

I've never seen her since.

That one single fart saved my wife's life.

There is no moral to this story.

Call me Captain Butler

So last night I watch Gone With The Wind on TCM and there is this great scene where Rhett Butler is walking down the street and everyone he sees greets him with a nice "Good Morning Captain Butler"

So this morning I tell my daughter thats how I now want to be greeted.

She says: "Okay Dad"...and proceeds NOT to call me Captain Butler.

DID SHE NOT EVEN HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID!!!!!????

She's probably not even my real daughter.

Me, The Hoag, and the Switchblade

All through the 1960's and 1970's The Hoag (My pal Hoagy's nickname) wanted a real switchblade knife. A big one. He could never get one as they weren't allowed in the state we grew up in. He wanted one bad.

He had every other stupid weapon a kid could want except the damn Switchblade. Slingshots, wristrockets,brass knuckles,knives,those ninja star things,blackjacks, etc....but no Switchblade.

The 1980's begin and we decide to take a bus to New York City. Me for fun. The Hoag for The Switchblade. We get a hotel in Times Square somewhere around maybe 57th street (The Sheraton City Squire),dump our 'luggage' and head on down to 42nd street.

Now in the early 80's 42nd St. was still one wicked bad place...the second you turn the corner the dealers and whores and every other lowlife would approach you trying to get your money. The first guy just says "mescaline". The second guy says "Whatcha looking for?"

And this is where the story really begins:
So Hoag says (in his cool street voice) "A blade....a big one" And the guy (from now on called the Dude) says "I'll get you one for $100.00...in advance". The Hoag doesn't hesitate for a second and whips out $100 and hands it to the Dude. The Dude tells us to follow him and starts taking us into every sleazy place on 42nd street...peep shows, porn stores, whore houses, dope houses, Popeye's Fried Chicken,...in through the front door, out through the back or side doors, up and down the street when finally the Dude says "wait here"...so we do.

About 5 minutes later the Dude comes out with a package and is kinda panting and says 'Quick...jam this down your pants..the cops!" The Hoag follows instructions and then out of the blue says to the Dude..."here's a little something more for going the extra mile" and slips the guy another $20. The Dude says "Thanks...now cheese it..the cops!"
Let me tell you something, me and The Hoag took off so goddamn fast...we just started running down 42nd street and then took a left and headed to our hotel...15 blocks non stop as fast as we could with cops chasing us...panting, laughing, shoving people out of the way,back and forth across the streets dodging traffic and finally into the revolving door of the City Squire...up the elevator...and finally to our room.

Hoag slams the door. Puts the chain on the door. Bolts the door. Grabs a chair and puts it in front of the door. Draws the curtains. I've never seen him so happy...so excited, so nervous. He pulls the wrapped switchblade out of the front of his pants and sits on the bed. I sit on the other. He's giddy. He starts unwrapping his holy grail...it's beautiful. It's black like he wanted. He holds it. Turns it over in his hand. Smiles. He pushes the button on the handle and the blade swings into action.


The blade is a comb. A $1.49 switchblade comb you can buy in any joke shop in America.


It just might have been the greatest moment of my life.

Did you give or get anything cool for Mother's Day?

1. Did your kids make you anything for Mother's Day?

2. Did you already throw it away cuz it blows?

3. What was the lamest thing you ever gave Mom?

4. Has your Mom ever said "Every day is Mother's Day"?

5. Have you ever punched her upside the head after she said it?

6. Thought about it?

7. Has she ever also said "Every day is kids day"?

8. Did you punch her in the kidneys afterwards?

9. Did you think about it?

Of course there is no mention of the butterfly on her ankle I did.

Glink, The Hoag, and BlackJack McGruder

This is mostly a story about a roly poly guy named Glink. It also involves The Hoag (Hoagy's nickname) and BlackJack McGruder (my nickname at the time because I always carried a deck of cards and was always looking for a game)

The story takes place around 1974 or so. We were in our early teens and hung around Glink's house. Glink was this wicked fat fun guy that loved to smoke pot with The Hoag, listen to Led Zep's Houses of the Holy and eat cookies (I would be watching Rocky and Bullwinkle and Fractured Fairy Tales downstairs while they smoked and rocked out.)

Now Glink's Mom would make these awesome batches of cookies two or three times a week, and of course me and The Hoag (and Glink) would eat them all up each afternoon after school. Glink's Mom would come home and be appalled that her son wolfed down all of these cookies every day and Glink would always say the same thing: "But Ma, it was the Hoag and BlackJack McGruder that ate all the cookies"

Glink's Mom just thought the Hoag and BlackJack McGruder were imaginary friends of Glinks that he pinned his excessive eating on. She hadn't met us at the time. She continued to bake him cookies all the while just shaking her head at chubby ol' Glink.

Years (and 100 pounds later) Glink's Mom finally met us and knew she had done her son wrong.

There is no moral to this story.

More rejected blog ideas.

1. There are 7 letters in Lincoln and 7 letters in Kennedy...conspiracy?

2. Stone falls from palm tree.

3. I have a terrible cold...let's discuss it!

4. Viagra Falls Nursing Home and Senior Center.

5. I have a third nipple and I named it Russell.

6. Those capri pants sure make you look nice!

7. Why I think Hillary Clinton is sexy.

8. Why I just threw up in my mouth.

9. Iron Butterfly's Greatest Hits!

10. Why Nicole Simpson deserved it.

Mein Lunch

Cousin Steve will not be available today so I'm taking over for him.

I'm also taking his lunch.

Questions about fashion, cologne, and animals can be addressed to: Uncle Hoagy

Thank you,
Uncle Hoagy

You might be invited to the party.

All you have to do is name four movies that starred Bill Paxton and four movies that starred Bill Pullman.

No google, no IMDB, no other reference other then that sharp mind of yours.

So...are you invited to the party?

King of the douchebag birds.

If you don't like swearing you might want to go look at another blog...this one is about to contain the words: motherfucker,prickbastard,son-of-bitch armless flying rats, and I think asshole.

4:27 am it starts. It always starts at 4:27am in the spring. The King of the Douchebag birds starts his daily instructions to the rest of the douchebag birds. And it's always the same. Make noise and crap on Steve's fence. Motherfuckers. Every one of these prickbastard, son of a bitch armless flying rats starts making noise and sitting on my fences and craps out this white fecal matter....what the heck are these asshole birds eating that makes their poop white? Abba zabas? Yogurt? It makes me sick. And they wake me up. Every morning. Starting at 4:27 by the King of the Douchebag birds. Is he actually giving them different instructions? I don't think so.

1. Wake up Steve

2. Crap on his fence.

And watch these douchebag birds someday...they can't even walk, they kinda hop. Jerks.

If for some reason you notice tomorrow there are no more birds there is a good chance I killed them all.

And don't get me started on CornDog Monday.

The Junk Food Pyramid

These are the basic junk foods your body needs on a weekly basis to survive.

Trust me. I'm a doctor.

1. McDonalds Hash Browns (No sane person on earth could dislike these....and they're good for you!)

2. McDonalds Hot Apple Pie (OH. MY. GOD. I love you McDonalds hot apple pie...marry me?)

3. The Jack in the Box taco. I miss you.

4. The McDonalds thick chocolate shake. (Pure thick goodness and great for heart attack victims)

5. McDonalds French Fries (No other fry even comes close to these potato elixir sticks)

6. The Milky Way candy bar. Eat one and tell me you don't like it. A smack upside the head will follow

7. Sweettarts.

8. Hostess Cup Cakes. They'll add at least 4 years to your life. I'm guessing.

9. Bacon....'nuff said.

10. Ice cold Coca Cola from a can...yup, a can. It's fashionable to say it tastes better from a bottle, but it doesn't.

And that my friends is the Junk Food Pyramid....feel free to campaign for your favs.

Walk For Hunger

I think today is National Walk For Hunger Day or something. Here's a clue...stop walking and maybe, just maybe you won't be so hungry. Losers.

And what about the folks around the world that are starving? I don't think starving is what they need to worry about. What they need to worry about is how stupid they are. Here's a clue...if you're starving go on down to the supermarket and buy some food. There aint a shortage of food....the aisles are just crammed with food. Anything you want....it's right there on the shelf.

If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day, teach him to fish and he'll eat fish every stinkin' day of his life, teach a man where the supermarket is and he'll be able to eat whatever he wants when he wants. Mmmmm pancakes.....

Starving people=stupid people.

FREE COMIC BOOK DAY

Saturday May 6th is Free Comic Book Day, so get off your arse and get to a local shop and pick up some free comics.

There is no catch. They're free.

www.freecomicbookday.com

A scientific study.

Who would you rather be....and who would you rather not be. That is the question.

1. Indiana Jones

2. Batman

3. Captain Kirk

4. James Bond

5. Jake Blues

6. Han Solo

7. Peter Parker (pre death of Gwen)

8. Jeff Spicoli

9. Tarzan

10. Elvis

11. Your Dad

If it's Thursday it must be Belgium.

Tonight is Thursday night. Better known in these parts as Buddy Night. Even better known in these parts as GayWine Night.

So what goes on at said GWN?

1. Deep discussions on how to make the earth a better place to live.

2. "Hey! Is that a french fry on the floor?....DIBS!"

3. "Is that waitress old enough to be my mistress or your daughter?"

4. "We sure have great wives, huh Hoag?"

5. "You beleive all that crap about the Nazis?"

6. "Bet you a buck you can't chug that bottle of A1 sauce"

7. "I can fit three of those rolls in my mouth"

8. "I can do four"

9. "I can do four, plus rub my belly and pat my head at the same time"

10. "This steak is AWESOME!...it's a shame those starving kids in Biafra can sink their teeth into this....this would keep them going for weeks!"

11. " Bet you a buck you can't suck that piece of linguini up your nose"

And that my friends is Buddy Night. The mystery is gone.

Ever Watch American Idol?

Is Paula Abdul...
	a gorgeous crack addicted freak?
	a gorgeous, rambling, incoherent drunken fool?
	the new James Bond?
	my pal Hoagy?
Free polls from Pollhost.com

How To Get Booted From Hermaphrodite Club

1. Always use the ladies room.

2. Always use the men's room.

3. Always go to the bar on ladies night.

4. Join a men's only golf league.

5.Buy tampons, but just light them on fire and throw them off the roof.

6. Play for the Yankees and DON'T throw like a girl.

(beatin' this gag to death!)

How To Get Booted From Woman Club.

1. Have big hands.

2.Finish this song:
-Show me the way to go home-
-I'm tired and I wanna go to bed-
-I had a little drink about an hour ago...-

3. Take your right palm and cup it in your left underarm, start flapping arm in hopes to simulate farting noises.

4. Eat a Milky Way candy bar. Now let thick milkyway spit almost fall to the ground before sucking it triumphantly back into your mouth. (Instant boot out of Woman Club....bonus points in Man Club)

5. Eat a sandwich without cutting it in half.

6. Wear a wife beater t-shirt with mustard stains.

7. Read the balk rule and actually understand it.

8. Quote the Godfather parts I and II (you can enjoy the movies but once you quote them...OUT. OF. WOMAN. CLUB.

9. Carry me up to bed each night.

10. Know who Colonel Klink's boss is.

How To Get Booted Out Of Man Club.

1. Refer to pants as trousers.

2. Have a Barbie Collection (calling them action figures does not keep you in Man Club.)

3. Start a GHOST fan club AND bring a pottery wheel to the first meeting. OUT. OF. MAN. CLUB.

4. Go out with your buddy Hoagy every Thursday night and drink wine....oh wait, thats okay...right???

5. Know the difference between maxi pads, panty shields, andtampons. Tampons are the ones that look like firecrackers, right?

6. Be a vegetarian.

7. Drive or even think about driving a hybrid car.

8. Being excited that Rosie O'Donnell will now be on the VIEW...in fact watching the VIEW even once gets you booted from Man Club.

9. Shopping for dust ruffles for your bed.

and a bunch of other stuff....