My job here is done.

A joke.

A male porn star is out in his yard raking leaves when he spots his neighbor outside. They start talking about this and that...small talk mostly.

Here is the good part of the conversation:

PORNSTAR: "So what did you do last night?"

MAN NEIGHBOR: "I went out on a blind date."

PORNSTAR: "How was it?"

MAN NEIGHBOR: "Eh. It was okay...we only got to first base."

PORNSTAR: "That's too bad....but at least you got your ass licked."

--------

New checks.

This morning I was writing out a few checks to suppliers when I noticed I was running low on blank checks.

I went to the little box I keep checks in and pulled out the little reorder form.

In bold letters it said:

REORDERING CHECKS HAS NEVER BEEN EASIER!

And then it proceeded to tell me how to go about it online or on the phone.

I used to just say to a bank teller: "I need more checks." And she took care of it (bank tellers are women)

SO IT'S NOT EASIER NOW!!

Lying pricks!

BATMAN DAY

CUSTOMER: "Is today Batman Day?"

ME: "No...yesterday was."

CUSTOMER: "What is today?"

ME: "Thursday."

The Priest

So about an hour ago a priest came into my shop. He was young...maybe early 30s. First time in.

We started taking about toys and stuff. We seemed to be hitting it off well.

 Here is the rest of the conversation:

ME: "Are you really a priest?"

PRIEST: "Yes."

ME: "You seem kinda short to be a priest."

PRIEST: "How tall are priests supposed to be?"

ME: "I think around 5' 10" or taller."

PRIEST: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

ME: :::smiling:::

----

Amazon Woman....Bang! Zoom! To the Moon!

MOM TO DAUGHTER: "So just look around the store, pick out what you want, and I'll order it from Amazon."

ME:  "You do know I'm standing right here, correct?"

How did I miss this before??

Balls.

A woman in her late sixties came in my shop the other day. Here is that conversation.

WOMAN: "Hello...do you have balls?"

ME: "Yes....what kind are you looking for?"

WOMAN: "I want some nice ones that will fit in my hand."

ME: "How about these?" [I showed her my balls]

WOMAN: "No...those are a tad too small?"

ME: "Would you like some the size of a baseball?"

WOMAN: "That size but something more squeezable."

ME: "Nope....just these hard ones. Try the guy down at the Dollar Store...I'm sure he has some."

WOMAN: "That's a good idea! Thanks for your help."

----------

(I kept a straight face the whole time. )

The Leather Jacket.

In my shop I'm selling a leather jacket.

A guy came in the other day and started looking at it. Touching it. Asking about it.

Here is that riveting conversation:

GUY: "Is this a real jacket?"

ME: "Yes."

GLUTEN SUFFERING FRIENDS

I was away over the weekend and I saw this dude. So did thousands of other people as they walked by. Most people pretended he was invisible. I didn't.

I pulled out five bucks and showed it to him.

He nodded.

I asked if I could trade him the five dollars for a picture of him.

He nodded.

I've seen lots of bums in my day (::winkwink::) but I have never quite seen one with such a compelling sign.

Was it genius? Or not so genius?

I'm leaning towards genius and here's why...

I'm gonna assume that most women would be frightened by this creep...so regardless of what his sign said they wouldn't stop and give him spare change anyhow.

Now we have the other half of the population.

I'm thinking this homeless hobo makes some good money per day...it's just SOOOOOO wrong but yet somehow very funny.

SAVE THE WHALES? Not another glance.

FREE TIBET? Huh?

HELP OUR GLUTEN SUFFERING FRIENDS? Eh?

But SAVE CAMEL TOES????

Five bucks. Everytime.

-------

PS: My greatest fear about this whole episode is that my homeless hobo friend can't read and he asked some 'friend' of his to make the sign for him. (Homeless guy probably wanted his sign to read: HELP OUR GLUTEN SUFFERING FRIENDS)

Greatest practical joke ever? Possibly.

We'll call this story Mount Fuji because I don't know how to spell Mount Kilimanjaro

Sometimes at my shop people will ask to use the bathroom. The vast majority of them use it the way it's supposed to be used.

But I'm always on Bathrrom Alert after someone uses it. I'd hate for it to be gross when the next person goes in....so I always check it right after someone is done (after they leave the store, of course)

For some reason kids don't always flush the toilet.  I put that in the gross category.

How does a parent put up with a kid that doesnt flush? I don't want to see his urine!!

I especially don't want to see his poop.

And now here comes the story:

The other day a fat little cretin asked to use my bathroom. I said yes.

He went in and very quickly afterwards he was done.  WHEW!

No cleaning up a big potty for me.  But I checked the bathroom anyhow after he left.

The motherfucker left me a gigantic bowel movement in the toilet!

I looked at it. I was angry.

How does someone just leave that in my toilet???

Then I looked again. It was huge. I looked again.

I was shocked at what I saw....or should I say what I didn't see???

There was no toilet paper in the bowl!!!

He left me a Mount Fuji and he didnt use toilet paper!!!!!

Who does that?

I'll tell you who does that...Fat Little Cretins do that!!

RIP Lee Marshall...the voice of Tony the Tiger.

Sad news my friends.

I thought in his honor I'd re-blog a post from 2006.

It's under the dotted line.  It's G-R-R-R-REAT!


-----------------------


In my lifetime I've met dozens of people and not one of them dislikes Kellogg's Sugar Frosted Flakes. And why would they dislike them? They're made of sugar, frost, and flakes. That my friends is a trifecta of perfection. No other food is as universally loved as the flake with the sugar and the frost. They're not just g-g-g-reat! They're a-a-a-a-awesome!

You put sugar and frost on just about anything and it instantly becomes better. You put sugar and frost on a flake and you have Sugar Frosted Flakes. And joy.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you John Kerry.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you a douchebag.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you retard.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you stupid.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you a Special K loving broad with a Thighroid problem.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you....you know...something.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you someone I just don't want to know.

(Brownies are pretty g-g-g-reat! also.)

Medicine Man

The doctor gave me some medicine the other day.

On the sheet of paper with all of the instructions and warnings it says:

'If vaginal itching should occur call doctor immediately.'

Trust me...if I get vaginal itching I'll be calling more than the doctor.

I Grok Caulk

I needed caulk.

Badly.

I kept putting it off and putting it off but finally this week I decided to do what needed to be done.

I needed caulk.

And I needed it now.

I thought I had some caulk out back years ago.  Untouched caulk.

But I had no way of getting the caulk out.

So off I went to the store to get a caulk gun. 

I've never messed around with caulk before so I had to watch a tutrorial on YouTube...some goober explaines how to use it. The more he explained the more I laughed.

You'd think caulk would be easy to handle...I suppose it is if you know what you are doing. But I'm a novice when it comes to caulk.

So I watch the video, I prepare the caulk, I prepare the gun...I'm all ready to to squeeze the trigger and get this caulk going.

Nothing happens.

The caulk won't come out. I call up my buddy Glink and ask him why the caulk won't come out.

We talk. He asks questions.

We discover the caulk is too old to come out....way too thick.

No matter how hard I pump or squeeze the caulk just won't come out.

I sit there frustrated. I need caulk and I need it now!  

No can do.

So I go to another store the next day to seek out some new caulk. None of that old caulk for me.

A sales gal comes up to me and asks if I need anything. Here is that conversation:

SALES GAL:  "Do you need anything today?"

ME: "Yes....I need caulk."

SALES GAL: "Me too!"

BOTH OF US:  :::laughter::

For some reason caulk is funny. It's almost too funny. I'm sick of needing caulk. I'm sick of looking for caulk. I'm sick of thick old caulk.

And there it is next to the caulk!!! Clear silicone!

This should do the trick.

I race back to the shop, load my caulk gun with silicone, I pull the trigger and silicone EXPLODES out of the tip! I then take it over to front windows and seal my windows. They've been rattling and sqeaking for years. A nice tight seal. Windows are fixed. 

And that my friends is my caulk story.

It's nice when these things have a happy ending.

The Windy City

Yesterday was kinda windy.

In walks a retarded guy. Blathering on and on like retarded guys do.

I doubt retarded guys mind being called retarded....it's usually their wranglers that get all upset with the term.

Does mentally challenged really sound better?

But I digress...

Anyhow...Tard starts yapping about this and that. Pointing out the obvious. Talking about whatever and a pickle.

It's time for him to leave.

He notices that the wind blows open my door (or was it the ghosts of you-know-who-from-you-know-where?)

Then he looks at swaying trees and says goodbye with a hearty "HAVE A GOOD WINDSDAY!"

Smart like a retarded fox.

Dee Neal

I'm not sure when this happened but I was told about it Saturday night.

It seems my Son-in-Law saw my wife's name written out somewhere and he thought it said "Dee Neal"

He was told of his mistake. Laughter followed.

He then started calling Wifey  "Dee Neal"

Laughter followed.


He now calls me The Captain.

(And I'm good with that)

SKULLS

So a mother was in my shop today with her eight year old daughter. Here is the conversation I overheard.

MOM: "Do you want a skull button?"

GIRL: "No, thank you....though I do LOVE skulls."

MOM: "But not the scary kind of skulls, right?

Baseball

CUSTOMER: "What is this?"

ME: "That's a baseball."

CUSTOMER: "What's it for?"

ME: "To play baseball with."

CUSTOMER: "But what does it represent?"

ME: "Baseball. It came from a museum."

CUSTOMER: "Oh."

Sometimes a camel is just a cigarette.

I went to a casino the other night by myself.

Had some dinner, couple of drinks...

Then I played some roulette. 

A guy sitting next to me at the table got up and left but he forgot his cigarettes (Camels) and his lighter (Bic).

I played for a while and he never came back.

I took the pack of Camels and the Bic lighter and put it next to my stack of chips. Shortly after that a guy comes up to me and 'bums a fag' from me  (that's British for asking for a free cigarette)

No problem...I give him the Camel and flick my Bic and he walks away happy.

I play for a bit longer and then decide to walk around. I take the pack of cigarettes with me. And the lighter.

I'm not sure why. I don't smoke.

But now I'm packin' some smokes and feel really cool. (Cigarettes are still cool, right?)

I play some more games, some slots, goof around...now I need to use the bathroom.

It's tinkle-time at the MGM.

I saunter over to the urinal (that's the thing that men stand at to urinate. The urine comes out of the penis.)

I feel someone hovering over me.

You don't want people hovering over you while urine comes out of your penis. Ever.

And I hear a familiar voice.....

VOICE: "Hey...got another Camel, Bud?

ME: "Really? You're picking NOW to ask me? Can you wait until I finish? (Finish means when the urine stops coming out of my penis and after I wash my hands.)

VOICE: "Okay."

---------

MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you smoke cigarettes chances are that strange men will try to look at your penis.

And they might call you Bud.

Malaysia airlines flight 370

M'ick J'agger's girlfriend L'Wren dies.

According to the reports she killed herself.

By hanging herself. From a doorknob.

It happens.

So Mick postpones part of his New Zealand tour and rushes back to New York.

He's quoted as saying: "I will never forget her."

That's really big of Mick not to forget her.

I'm sure most people forget their girlfriends after they kill themselves.

RIP Ray Romano

Girls Weekend

WIFEY: "Don't forget...next weekend is girls weekend."

ME: "Am I going?"

WIFEY: "It's girls weekend...why would you go?"

ME: "I didn't know if I was invited or not."

WIFEY: "Are you a girl?"

ME: "No...but I wasnt sure if you wanted me to go with you or not."

WIFEY: "Do you have a vagina?"

Filet-O-Phished

So I see this ad the other day.

I like Filet-O-Fish. I like McDonalds French Fries (who doesn't!?)

So I'm driving to work around 11:00am and I see a McDonalds restaurant just up ahead.

I'm thinking Filet-O Fish and Fries for only $3.33. I'd be stupid if I wasn't thinking that!

Fish sandwich...french fries...$Three point three three.

So I go up to the college educated white guy at the counter  (I'm kidding!!) and order the Filet-O Fish and French Fries $3.33 special.

Here is the conversation:

ME: "I'd like to order the Filet-O-Fish and french fries special for $3.33.

CLERK: "We don't have that here."

ME: "You don't have Filet-O-Fish and french fries?"

CLERK: "Yes...I mean, we have those but not as a special."

ME: "This is a McDonalds, correct?"

CLERK: "It's at participating McDonalds restaurants."  (he didnt actually use the words 'participating' or 'restaurants'.)

ME: "So let me get this straight....Corporate McDonalds spends millions of dollars on a countrywide promotion and you dont want to participate?"

CLERK: "May I take your order?"

ME: "I'll have a hamburger and a small french fries."

CLERK: "That will be $4.04."

ME: "For a burger and fries?"

CLERK: "Yes."

ME: "Is that a special promotion?"

Salt Lick City

So my rear driver side tire on my car has a very slow leak. Every couple of weeks I have to stop at a gas station and put a little air in it. I havent had time to fix it.

Nor do I want to.


Why not you ask?

I'll tell you why...

I stop at the air station...I unscrew the little cap on my tire, I set the PSI thingy on the air hose to the proper setting and then I fill up my tire.

While filling up my tire the little cap thingy is in my mouth so I wont lose it.

It's got road salt on it.

I'm hooked on road salt!!!


It tastes awesome.

I wish all my tires had slow leaks.

I LOVE when Wifey is wrong.

WIFEY: "Sometimes you're not funny when you think you are."

Shoe store question and answer.

So the other night Wifey and I are at a shoe store.

I'm at the front counter paying for our purchase. Here is the conversation with the sales chick:

SALES CHICK:  :::pointing at Wifey:::: "Is she with you?"

ME:  "Sometimes."

Confession time.

With the recent death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman I think it's about time I come clean about my own addiction to heroin.

I got the monkey on my back.

I'm jonesing for the horse.

I love the fine china...I love the smack.

Blackjack.

I don't want no cold turkey for lunch.

Skag. Heat. Pump. Junk. Slink.




On the plus side... my middle name aint 'Seymour'

Groundhoag Day is coming (or did it already come?)..... will Hoag see his own shadow?

Texter, texter, pants on fire.

So last night Hoag was away. He was at dinner before a concert.

I was also at a concert but somewhere else.

We texted back and forth.

Here is part of that text conversation:

---

ME: "Daryl Jones is here playing bass!"

HOAG: "Mick is having dinner with us."

ME: "I know...that's what Keith just told me."

Things you need to know about Al Stewart (the Year of the Cat singer guy)

1. His real first name is: Alastair.

2. You don't need to know anything else.

Sue Ze Chapstick (company)

So this guy comes in the other day. Here is the conversation:

GUY: "That chapstick stuff is a scam."

ME: "How do you figure?"

GUY: "They put something in it to make your lips chapped."

ME: "Why would they do that?"

GUY: "So you'll buy more chapstick."