Thursday, August 10, 2006

Code Level Red

The breaking news this morning seems to be that British Intelligence has uncovered a terrorist plot that involves airplanes flying out of London with targets possibly in the United States.

Logan Airport in Boston has increased security and brought in the National Guard. They suggest showing up for your flight at least 2 hours before departure (3 hours if it's an international flight)

A new list of banned carry-on items can be found at www.massport.com (or is it .gov, or .org?) One of the items is hair gel. Can you imagine attacking a city from an airplane with hair gel? It would be messier than a butter fight! If they ban hair gel then the stylists have really won. Or lost. Or something.

Authorities believe the attacks were being planned by 'traditional' terrorists but have not yet ruled out Snakes on a Plane and Mel Gibson working in tandem.

The Democrats support anything to thwart the threat until the threat is actually thwarted and then they will complain about Bush thwarting said threat.

54 comments:

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Here are some of the banned items:

PASSENGERS MAY NOT HAVE LIQUIDS OR GELS OF ANY SIZE AT THE SCREENING CHECKPOINT OR IN THE CABIN OF THE AIRCRAFT. THIS LIST INCLUDES: Beverages, Shampoo, Suntan Lotion, Creams, Toothpaste, Hair Gels, and other items of similar consistency. Such items may be transported in checked baggage”


Please God....don't let me die from toothpaste.

Can you really slit a guys throat with tootpaste?

Anonymous said...

Are they trying to keep people from sneaking on napalm, or molotov cocktails? I'm sure there's a reason foir this, I just can't really think of one.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I think its the flouride....scientists have been been warning the public for years about flouride.

It's as deadly as cotton balls.

Cake said...

No shampoo?? Ahh, damn. I wanted to be part of the Mile High Hairwashing Club...

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I already am.

Cake said...

What's the fine print say? Can I still get membership if I soap my hair up on the ground and then just rinse it out on the plane?

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Toothpaste On A Plane.

Now THERE is a movie I want to see...

Anonymous said...

You know, I'm beginning to think that those terrorists don't want us to have any fun at all.

Denying a person their hair gel on an airplane? That's just downright cruel.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

"Mmmmmmmm....I love the taste of this explosive baby formula, tastes just like that explosive chicken...."

Anonymous said...

But I didn't notice snakes on the list of banned items.

Lois Lane said...

Snakes are allowed, as long as they don't bring on hair gel. Which is sad, because no one likes to see a poorly coiffed snake.

Anonymous said...

True,
There's nothing more heatwrenching than seeing an ungroomed reptile.

Cake said...

Note to NoOprah:

It's illegal to make jokes about bombs/explosives/snakes at a security checkpoint, just so you know.

Note to everyone else:

Don't travel with NoOprah. He's one trip from a one-way ticket to scenic Guantanamo Bay.

Anonymous said...

But imagine having to taste YOUR OWN breast milk? What could mothers possibly be producing-nipple napalm?

I Ain't No Oprah said...

"It's Nippleicious!"

Anonymous said...

Fair warning Cake. But he'd be the kind of guy who spend his entire "visit" trying to figure out of you can actually flush a Quaran down the toilet-he'd amuse himself somehow.

Clinky said...

It's kill or be kicked!

Anonymous said...

And then, once released, he'd sell tee-shirts that said "nooprah went to Guantanamo Bay and all I got was was a stupid story about how the Quaran is unflushable."

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I just saw the following on CNN.com (really)

>>>Plotters were to carry a "British version of Gatorade," detonate it with iPod or cell phone, source says<<<<

WHAT THE FREAK IS IN THE BRITISH VERSION!!!!???????

Cake said...

Tea?

Anonymous said...

Nawh. It's a pint of lager. Not that anything edible or drinkable in Britain is worth discussing.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

How does it explode?

Anonymous said...

I don't remember-my days in the Marine Corps are ancient history.

Why don't you go to www.askaterrorist.com? (Just remember to mention Allah-they get pissed when you forget).

Cake said...

Tea's actually very explosive in the right concentration. Something about the tannins...?

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I'm guessing there are thousands of terrorists lining our beaches every weekend...them with their i-pods and gatorade just a tannin' and a waitin'...

Lois Lane said...

...which is good, because no one likes to see a pale terrorist.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I hope they washed their swim suits before staking out our beaches..

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Why do they want to apply hair gel to our beaches anyhow? I forget.

Cake said...

Hair gel causes tsunamis.

I think.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

BASTARDS!!

Anonymous said...

"them with their i-pods and gatorade just a tannin' and a waitin'"

OH DAMN! My gym is full of terrorists!!!
(I'm lying, I've never been to a gym)

I Ain't No Oprah said...

You wanna not go to the gym together sometime?

Anonymous said...

I think the terrorists are burying mousetraps in the sand of our lovely beaches...

It's almost unimaginable what lengths they'll go to.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

That was Hoagy.

Anonymous said...

And I hope bacon ace is a gal, nooprah.
Guys NEVER invite other guys to the gym with them, unless they're my ex.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Bacon Ace is a guy and I invited him NOT to go to the gym with me.

I've never been to a gym either.

Anonymous said...

Yeah yeah-blame EVERYTHING on Hoagy. Maybe your name should be iaintnooprahbutimaybeamuhammed.

Can you read that? Because I can't and I just wrote it.

Anonymous said...

Oh. My stupid "I can't read" gene is kicking in.

Lois Lane said...

If we can't bring hair gel on airplanes, then Hoagy wins!

...

I'm gonna not go to the gym now.

Cake said...

Can I not come to the gym, too? I'll bring booze.

Anonymous said...

I don't go to the gym at least twice a day! It's hard work, I tell you.

Anonymous said...

There's NOTHING better than not going to the gym-I'll bring the shrimp cocktail.

Anonymous said...

What exactly does Hoagy win? 10 free passes to NOT go to the gym?

Anonymous said...

47 comments nooprah-I think that's a record for you. Let's shoot for 50.

Let's see...what rhymes with "terrorist?"

(besides "orange")

Cake said...

Fairorist. (Someone who goes to the fair a lot.)

Cake said...

Phil Donahue's Niece, didja wanna not go to the gym with us? We're setting up at Lois's house (she's still got that jacuzzi in the livingroom, after all).

Anonymous said...

Cake,

"Fairorist" just cracked me up! I think I'm going to become one.

Cake said...

Oooh, let's do that after we don't go to the gym, okay?

Lois Lane said...

C'mon over.

I'm up to not doing 150 sit-ups, a personal best. And you're just in time for the 10 foot dash to the kitchen for more wine.

No, wait. A dash might get me winded. Make that a 10 yard stroll.

Anonymous said...

BELLS CHIMING!!! Regis and Kelly just announced that you surpassed the 50 Response Goal!!!!

Congratulations nooprah!!!! I'm not exactly sure what you're going to win or anything, but who cares?

How's it feel to be a Contender? Or a Blog Idol?

I think you deserve 15 tacos and some popcorn chicken on the ride home.

Anonymous said...

I wonder what popcorn chicken baked in a brownie would taste like?

We'd have to be careful not to use the explosive kind of popcorn chicken, though.

Lois Lane said...

"popcorn chicken baked in a brownie"

Now that you *definitely* can't take on a plane. Unless you smuggle it inside a snake.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

What about coconut inside a tube of hair gel....would that explode or just taste delicious?

Anonymous said...

Did Hoagy hide a coconut hair gel tube in your car?