Doctor Ego

So years and years and years ago I 'fell in love' with this gal.

I'll call her Mary.

Couple of 'dates' and that was about it.

But she lived down the street and we went to school together so we always saw each other.

And then I met Wifey, fell in love with her, got married, and that's where I am today.

Somehow Wifey and Mary became best of friends, so even in adulthood I saw Mary all the time.

And I've always been nuts about her. She's funny, smart, pretty, and all those other things about gals that we like so much.

{stay with me now}

Over the years Wifey has known this and has never felt threatened or jealous.

Why?

Because Mary never ever ever EVER flirts with me or even plays my games.

But I continue to flirt with her. And not get any back.

Ever.

Even when I propose we get together after Wifey passesBROKENBRAKELINEaway...Mary never says okay.

She just doesn't cross a line like that with me. She likes and respects Wifey too much.

(it could be possible that like Buddy Nite Blonde, she just don't dig me that way...though I doubt it)

She just keeps it to herself and keeps her friendship with Wifey and me intact.

{stay with me folks...I'm getting to the end}

So anyhow my ego can't take too many more decades of unreturned love (I just need something to hang on to)...so the other day I present Mary with a simple question:

ME: "So if most of the population was wiped out on Planet Earth and all that was left was me, your ex-husband, or a bag of snakes who would you pick to live with the rest of your life?"

MARY: "What kind of snakes?"

Backwoods man from Kentucky explaining the 700 billion dollar bailout plan.

a) You gots to skin a lot of beaver to huckleup that berrytree.

b) Shank it thick, slice it hard, that bacon is gonna fry for a while.

c) Momma once told me that cornstarch ain't no way to shoe a filly.

d) Papa once told me that a jerk of beef ain't no prom date....but it can still dance me a waltz.

e) Money is only as good as the fallen bark and the cooling dew.

f) Grandpapy once told me that ya can skin a coon once but never try and tie his whiskers south of Mason-Dixon.

g) Uncle Ted once told me that two bits ain't worth the pork jowls it can buy.

h) Auntie Bess once said: Hornswaggle that bobcat and he'll bite your arm, wrassle him hard and he'll scoot like a Jay.

i) Mr Kratchit up the road once told me: Pick your pine cones wisely you might need them for soup someday.

j) Bring me down home some shine and a boot and the lord of above will milk those cows.

R.I.P. Paul Newman

OLD COOT (or a poem about John McCain)

A wisp of gray

Combed gently across

A flap of jowl

Loosely it hangs

Melanoma scars

Cranky and mean

Half hearted raise of the arm

Old coot, old coot chimes the bird

Tortured

A hero

Married to Cindy

Face lifted

Odd looking gal

Though once hot

Old coot, old coot.

A maverick

The Sheriff

Old coot, old coot

Save this great nation

Beat back the Barack

10 houses?

Eleven?

Can you remember?

Old coot, old coot.

You must have to pee

Gone fishin'

Toting Guns and stripping moose.

The following was on abcnews.com Thursday Sept. 25th.




//////ABC News' Teddy Davis Reports: Florida Democratic Congressman Alcee Hastings pointed to Sarah Palin on Wednesday to rally Jews to Obama.

"If Sarah Palin isn’t enough of a reason for you to get over whatever your problem is with Barack Obama, then you damn well had better pay attention," said Hastings. "Anybody toting guns and stripping moose don’t care too much about what they do with Jews and blacks. So, you just think this through."///////////////

US economy on the verge of collapse!

I submit to you, MY PLAN:


MY PLAN (Mein Planz)

6:30 pm--Shutter down business.

6:34 pm--Fuel stop. (check wiper blades)

6:40 pm--Travel west on Massachusetts Turnpike for approx. 19.4 miles.

6:40-7:04 pm--Wave to pretty girls on Massachusetts Turnpike, point to their tires as if they are low on air.

7:05-7:15pm--head north.

7:16pm--Contact Herr Hoag,give ten minute until arrival call.

7:26pm--Magazine swap,choose restaurant.

7:28pm--Make fun of Herr Hoag's shirt...possibly shoes.

7:36pm--Meet with Blonde at the 44 rendevous point.

7:38pm--Scrap resturant plans...go where Blonde decides.

7:40-11:00pm--Have steaks,pasta, salads, beer, wine, dessert,cigars, fix ecoonmic mess.

11:15-11:30pm (approx.) Arrive home, quietly come into house, trip over pile of urine soaked shoes.

11:31pm--Run comb through hair one hundred times, brush teeth, go to bed.

I'll have the Gertrude Swirl please!

We finally have the perfect definition for BugFuck Crazy.



{{{{{{{{{VERMONT -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow's milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk, according to a statement recently released by a PETA spokeswoman.


PETA officials say a move to human breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms and benefit human health. }}}}}}}}}}}}}

Banned in a suburb of Boston

There is a ritual in the morning at my house.

Wifey gets up, showers, makes lunches, and whatever else she does downstairs while I sleep.

But I try to get up around 15 minutes before she leaves, have coffee with her, watch some news, discuss what were gonna do at night etc.

But since oldest daughter has been back living at home it's turned into *Let's make fun of Wifey/Mum before she goes to work*

So this morning I see the pile of shoes.

I see Wifey going up towards said pile of shoes.

And I have to turn my face away from oldest daughter because if we make eye contact I'll burst out laughing and get in trouble.

Of course I deny I was laughing, or going to laugh, or that I was making fun of her.

She looks at me.

WIFEY: "I know what you two are doing every second. You can't fool me. You're banned from coming downstairs in the morning until I've left."

Wifey leaves for the day.

ME AND OLDEST: "hahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahah!!!"

ME: "We should maybe stop making fun of her."

OLDEST: "I didn't make fun of her. Does the dog have urine on her?"

Yet another reason to vote for John McCain

In the news today is a story about a 77 year old Brazilian woman that was once John McCain's lover when he was in his twenties.

Here is a quote from her and a blurb from the story:

"""She declined requests for an interview Monday, but told Brazilian media last week that the young McCain was a romantic and a “good kisser.”""""

Now I don't know about you, but I want a good kisser in the White House.

And someone that is romantic.

Obama?

Horrible kisser.

Happy Birthday, Stephen King!

Or something.

Observations from the Emmy Awards.

1) Howie Mandel=not funny

2) Did Christina Applegate lose weight? Her boobs look smaller. Or something.

3) The opening ten minutes were painful. Real, real painful. I was literally bleeding out of my eyes.

4) The Laugh-In bit...painful. I was literally bleeding out of my eyes.

5) Oprah=one big fat tub of goo. I was literally bleeding out of my eyes when she came on.

6) Steve Martin was kinda funny. I was literally laughing out of my eyes.

7) So was Don Rickles.

8) Mary Tyler Moore...you might want to wear sleeves.

9) Yes, yes we get it...Hollywood is liberal. SHUT THE FUCK UP! I was literally bleeding out of my eyes everytime someone made a political statement.

10)Ricky Gervais bit was way funny. Though the American OFFICE is funnier.

11) I'm literally bleeding out of my eyes right now.

12) Figuratively speaking, of course.

Marriott Hotel blown up in Pakistan !

GOP candidate Sen. John McCain called the attack "an outrageous act of violence."

Sen. Obama said something else.

The end of your rope....rock bottom.

We all know someone that has hit the lowest of lows.

The Horse Addict.

Joey Meth

Cancer Boy

Home Burns Down Man

Uncle Loses Another Job

Captain Stroke

Auntie Unwanted Pregnancy

Reposessed Rick

Cash Poor Charlie

Can't Find a Chick Carl

and on and on...

People usually have one defining rock bottom moment in their lives. Homeless, jobless, loveless, friendless.

It's horrible. It's sad.

Yesterday I got a call from Cousin Saul.

He was at his rockbottomey lowest point in his life.

His wife and daughter were away and he was left alone.

He called. And told me the news.

He was on Wikipedia reading about Larry Storch of F-Troop fame.

Pray for him.

Rock Bottom.

Today is the 7th anniversary (or when in doubt do a phoney-baloney 9/11 blog)

It's hard to believe that seven years have gone by since it was eight days past 9/11 and we got back to normal.

Remember watching that sitcom that made us laugh?

Red Sox games.

Football was back. Life was good.

Eight days.

Those eight days right after seemed like forever. It's amazing that we were comsumed with it for eight long days in September.

Eight days.

But eight days turned out to be just the right amount of time to capture Bin Laden and Saddam, prosecute them, execute them, rebuild that field, and get on with it.

Economy rebounded quickly after those hellish eight days of only going out to eat two or three times.

Remember how we had to postpone Buddy Nite for a week? THE HORROR!

Eight days. Eight days of bonding (talking) with family members.

Eight days.

Remember how we thought the new comic shipment might get delayed for an hour or two?

Remember how we overcame that? We read the previous weeks comics. Again.

The horror.

Eight days.

Remember putting American flags on our homes and cars?

How wonderful was it to finally rip those bastards off after the eight days went by?

Flags meant death and despair.

No flags meant booze and broads and buddy nites.

Eight days.

For eight long days the nation wasn't sure if George W. Bush was the right man to lead us in the 21st century.

Eight days later those doubts were gone.

Term limits? Who needs 'em! That's what we all said.

Eight days later.

Eight days.

Things that piss off John McCain. And one that doesn't .

---------------
CINDY McCAIN: "Hey Johnny...could you get me that platter that's in the cabinet over the fridge?"

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes:::

--------------

CHILD McCAIN: "Daddy...could you put the star on top of the Christmas tree now?"

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes:::

--------------

MAGIC JOHNSON: "High five , Mac!"

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes:::

--------------

CINDY McCAIN: "Hey Johnny...could you come in here and help me clean these ceiling fans?"

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes:::

-------------

CINDY McCAIN: "Hey Johnny...could you please wash the skylights like I asked you?"

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes:::

------------

THE BOSTON CELTICS: :::slam dunks basketball:::

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes:::

---------------

CINDY McCAIN: "Wanna go apple picking today?"

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes:::

--------------

PERSONAL TRAINER: "Okay Johnny...time for some pull ups!"

JOHNNY MAC: :::fumes::

---------------

CHILD McCAIN: "Daddy...can you scratch your belly?"

JOHNNY MAC: :::scratches belly...smiles.:::

-----------

Clue for the clueless:
John McCain spent 5 1/2 years in a POW camp getting totured and now can't raise his arms all the way up.

Which of course qualifies him to be President of the United States.

------------

SO TO SUM UP:
I hope I get tortured and become President.

Or something.

Yet another reason in the continuing series of why not to vote for Barry Obama

Did you know he wants to force every woman in America to have an abortion?

Huh?

Didja?

Well, I think it's absurd.

I think a woman has a right to choose that she doesn't want an abortion!

No goverment should force a woman to do something to her unborn baby like that.

It's crazy.

For example:

Let's say you get raped and get pregnant. What if the rapist was kinda cute and you want to have his baby?

Nobody should force you to abort, correct?

Barack Obama speaks with a retarded kid.

RETARDED KID: "Gum!"

OBAMA: "We must CHANGE the way we chew GUM! Yes we can!"

RETARDED KID: "Gum!"

OBAMA: "We must CHANGE the way we care for our GUMS! Yes we can!"

RETARDED KID: "Gum!"

OBAMA: "We must CHANGE the way our elderly are cared for and how they eat their food! Yes we can!"

RETARDED KID: "Shoe!"

OBAMA: "We must CHANGE our tax code so no child is left not wearing SHOES!" Yes we can!"

RETARDED KID: "Shoe!"

OBAMA: "We must CHANGE the way our youth lusts after celebrity endorsed shoes and make them lust after an education! Yes we can!"

RETARDED KID: "Shoe!"

OBAMA: "We must CHANGE our country from one that IMPORTS shoes to one that EXPORTS shoes! Yes we can!"

RETARDED KID: "Knife!"

OBAMA: "We must CHANGE the way our youth looks up to gangs with guns and knifes! We must make them look up to their parents! Yes we can!"

RETARDED KID: "Knife!"

OBAMA: "We must strike down poverty and hunger in the Sudan. Teach them to eat wiith forks and knifes! Yes we can!"

RETARDED KID: "Knife!"

OBAMA'S SECURITY CHIEF: "Hey Barry...you have gum on your shoe...use this to scrap it off."

OBAMA: " No I CAN'T! I'll just CHANGE them!"
---------------

SO TO SUM UP:

Yeah, yeah I know...you could see the punchline coming a mile away. I'll try and CHANGE that next time.

R.I.P. One of the founders of Pink Floyd

You died today (or yesterday,...I didn't really read much of the story)

I'm guessing you were pretty creative and talented.

I'm also sure you had a name. You were probably around 60 years old or so.

You probably will be missed by family and friends and fan.

I assume you left the band years ago and nobody has heard of you since.

Rest in Peace Nameless Rocker!

Flomax side effects

We all laugh at the side effects that drug companies warn us about when they advertise their products on TV.

Don't we?

It's almost a cliche to even goof on the side effects they mention.

'use of this product may cause diarrhea and swelling'

Or something.

Every joke, wisecrack, and guffah has been done about them. I promised myself I wouldn't do a blog about drug side effects. (or airline peanuts)

But then last night I see the commercial for Flomax. Flomax is something folks use for urination problems. (Not that I would know anything about urination problems. Except for my puppy's of course.)

But anyhow...

A few of the side effects include: 'possible runny nose and a possible decrease in semen'

Why do I have a feeling that if I take Flomax I'm gonna start ejaculating out of my nose?

(Please no large feet jokes)



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PS: Should orally obsessed Flomax men now wear condoms on their noses?