Well, today I went into a dollar store for my first time. I needed a squee-gee thingy to wash the windows.
The sign on the Dollar Store proclaimed in huge letters...EVERTHING IS A DOLLAR!
They seemed to be running a special on wireless accessories for $7.99
My squee-gee cost a dollar, but it broke (I'm not making this up) fifteen seconds after I took it out of the package.
So To Sum Up:
My windows are dirty, I'm out a dollar, and Hillary is a big ugly dyke.
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22 comments:
::drives by blog, throws kiwi at IANO's windshield::
::feels guilty, drives back, leaves dollar::
You watchee what you say or we put more lead in toys!
If you have an Italian DVD of the movie Phenomena, with the wrong Region code and no English I'll buy that for a dollar.
Here's a gimme IANO:
R.I.P. Inventor of the Egg McMuffin.
::squeezes dollar::
New rules I've just made:
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands .
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a genius. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
New Rule: No cutting and pasting something someone said just cuz they're more clever than you.
George Carlin? ::stares questionably:: Reminds me of cousin Saul.
Nah, it's National Lawn Bowling Day in the warmer parts of the U.S. today and Cousin Saul's team is in a close race for first place.
I think maybe it's a...LURKER!
New Rule: No cutting and pasting something someone said just cuz they're more clever than you.
New Rule: No cutting and pasting something someone said just cuz they're more clever than you.
New Rule: No cutting and pasting something someone said just cuz they're more clever than you.
But I can retype it three times, right? Nyuk! Nyuk! koff koff Nyuk!
New Rule: Sparkle has to bring everyone cookies and milk on Thursdays. Even those of us in other countries.
Hey! Why are you talking about me?!
I don't cut and paste other people's stuff! I come up with my own junk!
Spud started it! I stood up for your honor.
Ummm, sorta. ::slinks away::
New rules for George Carlin:
Get rid of your stuff.
Hey you!
*hand flutter*
What if the Beatles wrote about NoOprah's visit to the dollar store?
- All You Need is a Buck
- NoOpie in the Aisles with Squee-Gees
- Can't Buy Me Anything (I Only Have $0.99)
- Carry That Unnecessary Item
- I am the Walmart Wannabe
- Maxwell's Cheap Silver Imitation Hammer
Things We Bought Today (Break Tomorrow)
I Want Your Changepurse (It's So Heavy)
-Get Buck
-Not Much
-100 Penny Lane
-I Am The Dollarus
-Baby You Ain't A Rich Man
-Lady Madollar
-Can't Buy Me Love (but I can buy this spatula!)
-I Want To Hold Your Quarters
Hmm...
All that "George Carlin" stuff made me suspicious. The whole "New Rule" thing is a Bill Maher shtick, folks. The real Carlin had nothing to do with all of those ""borrowed" comments. Do a Google search under "George Carlin" and "new rule" and you'll see that the list was variously credited to Carlin in 2006, 2007, and 2008... but right up top is the link to the Snopes.com page telling you it's all Bill Maher's stuff! I believe in giving credit where credit is due, so when I rip people off, I do give 'em credit... but only after having taken my bows for being so clever as to have remembered someone else's s**t, of course.
--David'Z "I Prefer the Term Research to Plagiarism" RantZ (stealing... that is, borrowing... Lamont's shtick!)
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