Monday, March 31, 2008

Out of Context Theatre

The following is from something written by one of our presidential candidates. In his own words.

It's easy to guess who said all of this.

-I reached down with my mouth

-I went up to the top again

-and it would last for a long time

- About an hour later in came a guy called "The Cat."

-who came in "for special attention"

-A lot of them were homosexual

- I pulled

-The mob was really getting up-tight.

-successful moon shot

-from young people

-dressed only in my skivvies

-The Rabbit and the others worked on Dick Stratton very hard.

-They just pounded the hell out of him

- Another beautiful thing

-it was a riot

-he was a wrestler in college

-Sometimes I got it three or four times a week.

-The Soft-Soap Fairy came to my room one day

-We started bathing

-It was all very amazing

-I stayed in that one

-I received my first package

-I loved them

-I had a hell of a hemorrhoid

-There would be a red glow

-We called him Slopehead.

-but it was filthy dirty

-very hard to chew

-You're a black criminal.

-but I kept vomiting

-The Oriental, as you may know, likes to beat around the bush quite a bit.

And that my friends is another installment of Out Of Context Theatre!

Hope you enjoyed!

If I feel like it I'll post a link to the complete production later.

John Adams

So everyone has been gushing about the HBO series John Adams and how great it is.

I don't have HBO so I'm out of the loop.

But Wifey bought the book that the series is based on.

And I read about a third of it yesterday. And it's fantastic.

So now I'm ahead of the loop. Which means I'm better than you.

And don't get me started on Thomas Jefferson...'Mister We Want Freedom and Independence'...'Mr I Have 200 Slaves Douchebag'. And George Washington....Georgey I Have 100 Slaves and wear a fancyman wig'

And for some reason John Adams ain't on our money but these prick racist slave owners are?

John Adams is awesome. George and Thomas not so much.
And Ben Franklin is kind of a bumbling fool.

So To Sum Up:
Yesterday I could have watched Planet of the know, that movie about Apes making humans their slaves but instead I read about John Adams.

You should too.

PS:I watched some of the morning news shows yesterday and Hillary was extra screachy. With that voice of hers I can picture her as the white Prissy going all Butterfly McQueeny in the White know, when someone else gets elected.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

I'm from Bulgaria

A gal just walked by the shop wearing a shirt that said 'I'm From Bulgaria' on the front.

I was shocked she wasn't attractive.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Willie Mays

So we're out last night at one of those authentic Japanese restaurants (you know...were the chef is Vietnamese)...and they cook and perform at your table.

Dicing and slicing and flames and flippin' and serving and yin-yang-yowing and stuff.

So the Vietnamese chef (his name was Louie) grills up some zuccinni and flips it up in the air for the Blonde to catch in her mouth.

Well, the Blonde ain't no good at it and she looks a bit like a retarded seal at the Special Seal Olympics and the piece of zuccinni falls to the floor.

Very sad.

And then Louie flicks a piece high in the air for me to catch with my mouth. It was like in slow motion...turning and twisting towards me...the crowd was roaring, anticipation was in the air (along with the grilled squash)..and like Willie Mays in the '54 World Series I was all about the CATCH.

And I caught it in my mouth, we won the World Series, and the crowd roared.

Well, maybe not roared. In fact, by the time the zuke hit my mouth the Blonde and the Hoag were already discussing something else.

Point of the story?
Vietnamese are the best Japanese. And I can catch squash in my mouth like a non-retarded seal.

If seals ate squash.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

The handle was made out of crackers.

Don't you hate when you're having an argument with someone and then seven hours later you come up with a brilliant retort.

But now it's too late?

I hate that.

Or when you think of the funny thing you should have said....five hours ago.

I hate that.

Do you remember earlier today when I blogged about the crappy squee-gee I bought?

Did I mention the handle was made out of crackers and the blade part was made of balsa wood?

:::huge volumes of laughter:::

Thank you...thank you....

Everything is a dollar!

Well, today I went into a dollar store for my first time. I needed a squee-gee thingy to wash the windows.

The sign on the Dollar Store proclaimed in huge letters...EVERTHING IS A DOLLAR!

They seemed to be running a special on wireless accessories for $7.99

My squee-gee cost a dollar, but it broke (I'm not making this up) fifteen seconds after I took it out of the package.

So To Sum Up:
My windows are dirty, I'm out a dollar, and Hillary is a big ugly dyke.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Finally...the Letter Game !

The subject today will be Hillary and her beauty.

Your letters are:


The rules are simple...make up a sentence using those letters as the first letter of each word. Sentence must be six words and speak of Hillary Clinton's natural beauty.

Winner will get a free vomit bag or laser eye surgery.

Or something.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

It's Opening Day

And the Red Sox just won. In Japan.


Here are some things that normally bother me but won't today because it's Opening Day.

1. Cousin Saul's movie reviews.

2. Capri Pants...go ahead Broads, wear 'em, I don't care today!

3. People that don't get to the point. Ramble all you want. I'll pretend I'm listening.

4. Yankee fans. Go ahead...root for your second place team all you want. It's adorable.

5. Julia Roberts

6. Hillary Clinton

7. Al Gore and his phony-baloney global warming money making scheme.

8. John Kerry/Celene need for a long face's Opening Day!

9. Peas. (I HATE CHEW!) but today...we're friends.

10. car salesmen/cell phone providers/telemarketers/contractors/auto mechanics (though I will hate them twice as much tomorrow.

It's Opening Day. Life is good.

Monday, March 24, 2008

The Flirtini

Wifey and I were out at a restaurant Saturday night and decided to eat in the bar area.

Female bartender.

And something called a Flirtini on the drink menu. A Flirtini.

I have no desire to drink said concoction. But I do have an overwhelming desire to order one.

And I want to order the Flirtini in a very flirtacious way. With the female barkeep.

So I practice on Wifey a few of my 'flirty' ordering ways.

First One: No reaction

Second One: No reaction

Third one: "Knock it're an idiot."

Fourth one: ::tiny, tiny upward curve of Wifey's mouth showing how amused she is::

FEMALE BARKEEP: "Can I get you two some drinks?"

ME: "Yup...we'd like such and such bottle of wine."

The Point Of Story?:
It ain't about the's about Wifey every once in a great while showing her mouth curl up into a slight smile when I act like an asshole in a public place.

The bartender was kinda plain so I decided not to waste my flirtin' chops on her.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Real guns that look like toys.

This might be the dumbest story ever.

These aint toy guns that look real...these are real guns that look like toys.

And folks are bitching about this.

Proof that the Bible is all truth

If it was fiction there wouldn't be two characters named Mary. And there wouldn't be two key guys named John.

In fiction that would be way too confusing.

So To Sum Up:

I'm now going to heaven.

Friday, March 21, 2008

A Romantic Interlude at the IANO Household

I'm getting ready to leave for work this morning and I put my arms around Wifey's waist and look her in the eye and say:

ME: "Will you marry me?"

WIFEY: "No."

Brings a tear to your eye, correct?

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Random Bible thoughts on Easter Week

So you go into most folks homes and they have a bible. Maybe even two or three.

And you know what's weird? Most of them are in pristine condition. (usually in Catholic households)

Which means one of two things: They're either very careful when reading them or they never read them at all.

Now most of you that know me, know that I'm not religious. But I've read the bible. I read it like a book. A history book. I started at the beginning and read it right thru. Once.

The first half reads like fiction. I think the second half is supposed to be non-fiction.

The first half (the made up stuff) is all sci-fi-ey with folks living until they're 800 years old and powerful beings creating stuff (and resting and stuff)....probably some dinosaurs in there and some begottin' and some beholdin'

And then you get to the important part of the book.

The Jesus parts.

And it's all blah blah blah LOVE blah blah blah LOVE blah blah blah LOVE blah blah blah LOVE.

And that gets boring. I'd rather be with my wife or kids or friends whom I ummmm....LOVE. Crap. (and when I say LOVE my friends, that means the female friends. The guy friends, I like)

Or maybe watch some TV shows and movies and read me some books which I ummmmmmm....uhhhh....LOVE.

But the Bible keeps talking about Love this one and Love that one (I'd swear the Bible was writin' by the Beatles or something)

And don't you hope that one day they'll find all those missing chapters of the Bible when Jessie was a teenager and flirtin' with chicks and causing mischief. God don't want ya seeing those years. The Christ was wild. I think.


And then when you do go into someone's home that has a well read beat up Bible, it's got like thirty little pieces of paper bookmarking different passages.

Can't these people remember what they've read? Why don't they just read the whole thing again...from start to finish? You know, because it's a book. With a beginning, a middle, and an end.

I love the STAND by Stephen King but I don't just read the Tunnel scene over and over again....I read the whole book. Cuz It's great and I love it. Just like Jesus told me. (Now I want to read the tunnel scene...crap)

One more thing about the Bible.

For folks that don't want to spend a lot of money:

Whenever you get invited to a wedding, give the bride and groom a new Bible that they won't read. They'll think how special it is is and it'll only set you back $20.00 or so. And nobody would dare call you a cheap bastard.

You gave them a Bible that they'll Love not reading!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Possibly Resting I. P.

No, no, no.....not Kinchloe from Hogan's Heroes. Though we'll give him an R.I.P. anyhow.

Today's blog is kinda sad as someone we all liked probably died today from botched surgery.

I'm just glad they didn't owe me money.

Very, very sad that you're probably dead.

You might be missed if you died.

If you survived....well, it's kinda like it was yesterday.

Only more rain.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Why Jews don't eat pork.

(I saw those eyes roll!)

I'm gonna tell you why Jews don't eat pork. It should be riveting.

Years and years ago there was This Jew who was a friend of The Jesus and right before The Jesus was about to be killed This Jew ran out from the crowd screaming:

"No Kill Jesus! No Kill Jesus!" (That's how they talked back then)

But they did anyhow (but that's another story for later this week)

So over the years the story got passed down about the Brave Jew who tried to stop the murder of Jesus.

But the guy passing down the story was partially dyslexic and it got translated as: "No Llik Susej, No Llik Susej."

Which sounded like: "No lick sausage, no lick sausage!"

And the Jews obeyed the message.

And that my friends is why Jews don't eat pork (which is stupid because pork is bacon, sauasage, ham, and baby back ribs...and why wouldn't you want to eat those? !)

Monday, March 17, 2008

R.I.P the second B in ABBA

You will be missed.

This should only take 44 seconds.'s a dream I had.

Having a party at my house and I'm going around the room and taking drink orders when all of a sudden I get to Bill Clinton sitting on my sofa.

ME: "Hi Bill...what can I get for you?"

BILL CLINTON: "How about a bottle of grub..."

Then I woke up wondering what the heck a bottle of grub was.

Earlier in the dream Hillary appeared, and no lie...she was charming and I was flirting with her.

In real life I think Hillary is a bottle of grub.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Important Folks

Years ago before cell phones, me and The Hoag went to Las Vegas for a trade show, and every day at meal time the Hoag would ask the manager of the restaurant in the hotel for a phone to be placed on our table.

And like everything in Vegas, they take care of your requests.

So for six days and eighteen meals we had a phone on our table. Almost BatPhone-ish.

But nobody we knew had that phone number or even wanted to call us.

But we had a phone on our table! And we were important.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Guess who?

He was a man of peace

He was strangely attractive

He had exceptional vigor

He was surprisingly conciliatory, sensitive and warm.

He loved children

Landlords all remembered him for his civility and pleasant disposition

He devoured the books of three public libraries

He dreamt fleetingly of becoming a Benedictine monk.

He had an inner strength and was guided by his spirit and his instincts

His intellectual curiosity was limitless.

His thirst for knowledge was unquenchable

At no stage in his life did he spend anything on himself

He wrote poetry

He believed deeply in God

At midnight he would interrupt his work and prepare the food for his dog

It was an entirely natural thing for him to stop his car and share his food with young cyclists along the road.

He had deep blue eyes that many found bewitching

He could not bear to eat meat, because it meant the death of a living creature.

The very clarity of his reasoning made everything obvious.

He knew far more than thousands of diploma-decorated academics

You can read more about this dude here:

(all the above are from the article in the link)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Four Ounce Penis

I'm driving to work this morning and out came that fact on the radio.

The average human penis weighs four ounces. Even in it's different incarnations.

Four ounces.

And of course with a tidbit ::snicker:: like that, it made me think...

1. Who is doing the weighing?

2. Does it pay well?

3. Benefits? ::snicker::

4. Doesn't Hillary look like she could lose more than four ounces?

Four ounces. Seems so insignificant.

The least these weighers of penis could do is call it a Quarter Pounder. Seems so much much much more...ummmmm....meaty or something.

Four ounces.

Just another reason not to vote for Hillary.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Maybe it ain't just Sparkle and Lois on The Dope,2933,336817,00.html

Bad Tattoos

Over there on my links list is something called Bad Tattoos (no...Bacon Ace ain't on there. Yet.)

Anyhow, go over there and click thru the Bad Tattoos. Are people just messed up?

One guy has a tattoo of Corky from Life Goes On.


The retard. A real retarded guy.

And some other retarded guy thought it would be cool to have a Corky tattoo. A tattoo of a retarded guy with little lines under his eyes showing off that weird retarded eye thing that retarded guys have.

Well, guess what? It ain't cool to put a retarded guy on your arm.

Unless you're my wife.

(Notice the seamless way I tossed in the punchline before you could?)

Monday, March 10, 2008

What it feels like to stab a guy in the eyes.

It feels good. Real good. Brownies with walnuts good.

I was in a little village in Cambodia (or was it Laos?) when all of a sudden I just started stabbing myself in the left eye.

It felt good. Real good. Brownies with walnuts good.

So To Sum Up:

I'm using a new template on this blog and needed something to write. The new and improved I AINT NO OPRAH is no longer going to be Politically Correct. We're gonna call a spade a spade. And a Jew a Jew. And a Hillary a scum sucking whore bitch.

If needed.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

My views on abortion.

I don't care if you have one.

I don't care if you don't have one.

I don't care if they make them illegal.

I don't care if they're legal.

I don't care if you have one 8 months 29 days into pregnancy.

I don't care if you have one every year.

I don't care if you kill your three year old, your twelve year old, or your eighteen year old.

I don't care if you let them live either.

I don't care if you call it pro-choice, pro-life, or pro-death.

I'm never gonna have an abortion. Unless I get pregnant.

If they outlaw it and one of my daughters needs or wants one I'll pay for her to have one in another country.

Or maybe not. I don't care.

If they make it against the law and someone can't afford to have one...I don't care.

If you can't afford an abortion and have the baby and then put said baby in a dumpster I don't care.

Do whatever you want, but just shut up about it already.

I've got TV to watch.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

The Democrats ain't like a box of chocolates

Cuz you know exactly what you're gonna get. And stupid is what stupid does. Or something else equally Forrest Gumpy.

What am I talking about you ask?

First off, as dumb as George Bush is, he's still smarter than Gore or Kerry.

This year I was all ready to vote for a democrat for the first time in my life. I fell for the Obama charm.

And then the Democrats showed their ugly stupid heads and screwed up the whole primary thing by not allowing the Florida or Michigan primaries to count because those stupid democrats from those states decided to hold primaries early EVEN THOUGH IT WAS AGAINST THE RULES AND THEY KNEW THEY WOULDN'T COUNT!!!

And now these dolts want to hold primaries again in these states.


But Democrats LOVE spending taypayer dollars on stupid things. Because they are stupid.

Screw Obama. Screw Hillary (well...maybe not screw) And screw all you retarded Democrats.

Bush is stupid, democrats are stupider. Downright dum.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Don't put Terminator in a corner.

I'm gonna discuss the new Sarah Connor: TERMINATOR tv show.

Have you seen it? It's pretty good. It has a gorgeous Sarah Connor. An adorable John Connor. And a very sexy 'good' Terminator named Cameron.

Sounds good, correct?

Well...I'm about to tell you the very last scene of the last episode of season one.


Here goes:

The 'good' indestructable Terminator (Cameron) is in a truck when all of a sudden someone (I forget who) blows up said truck. With Cameron inside.


So what's the problem? Seems like a pretty good suspenseful cliffhanger, correct?


Why wrong?

Cuz a flippin' indestructable Terminator don't get no hurt by no flippin' truck explosion.

The proper ending should have been gorgeous Sarah Connor in said truck. Maybe with some torn clothes and stuff. CUZ SHE IS HUMAN AND CAN GET HURT!!!

(Patrick Swayze should be the evil Terminator)

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

R.I.P. Gary Gygax

Cousin Saul just informed me of the sad loss of this great man.

Gary left behind his wife, an orc, a couple of dwarfs, and his lucky ten sided dice.

Kansas City Faggots

Wow! Such a title!

Let me explain.

Back in 1974 Mel Brooks put out a spoof western movie named 'Blazing Saddles' and in said spoof someone (Taggart?) says "Kansas City Faggots"

Now fast forward to this morning on the Mass Pike.....I pass a huge truck from Missouri with the words : KANSAS CITY, MO emblazoned on the side.

KANSAS CITY, MO....not Kansas City, Missouri. (MO is slang for homosexual)

And with two facts like that, I can only surmise that Kansas City is THE hotbed for homosexual activity in America.

Sorry San Francisco!

Saturday, March 01, 2008

The greatest quote of the week!

I read all sorts of news items. Tons, in fact.

The following was in a New York newspaper today. It's great with or without the full story.


"I got pushed down and trampled, but instead of money, all I got were tomatoes," said a dejected 29-year-old homeless woman who gave her name as Christine.