The only change it appears we'll see is .49 cents after a Taco Bell run. Or something.

Possibly the best illness EVER!

//////For as long as she could remember a 60-year-old British woman, known only as KH, has been unable to recognize voices, not even the voice of her own daughter. Unless she sees the face of the person speaking, she often has no idea who is talking to her. If her daughter calls on the phone, or an unseen colleague from work says something to her, it’s as if she’s hearing the voice for the first time.



Except when Sean Connery speaks.////////////////////

For more of the story:


http://bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/11/18/1679578.aspx

Literally or figuratively?...I always get them confused.

///////PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. — A man faces a domestic battery charge after allegedly hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich as she was driving.

Police said the 19-year-old man became angry and hit the woman in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off, as she was driving along Interstate 95 on Friday.//////////////////

Now I'm POSITIVE there are other races out there...

Seems the other day NASA sent some astronauts up to the International Space Station to clean it. Why the astronauts up there couldn't clean it is beyond me.

And my first racist thought was that they were probably Mexican and or Puerto Rican astronauts.

And then yesterday THIS http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,453845,00.html HAPPENED.

Now my next racist thought was that these tools were "lost" by Italian Astronauts.

Or maybe teenager astronauts.

Or Democrats.

Or something.

SO TO SUM UP:

"In space no one can hear you clean."

Admit it...you're gonna miss him.

Thank you, George W. Bush! (and your Saudi lover)

For the last few years it's been easy to bash Georgie Boy.

But today we thank him for lowering the price of oil.

Even though it meant he had to sleep with this guy.

George took one for the team.

Thank you!

David Caruso one-liners from CSI: MIAMI (no need to watch the whole thing...a minute or two is all you need)

Also lots of great shots of him putting on and taking off sunglasses.

My conversation with Bill Clinton...ummmm...I mean my oldest daughter.

ME: "Did you take the puppy out to pee?"

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "Yup! She wouldn't do anything for me."

ME: "You didn't take her out, did you?"

OLDEST DAUGHTER: "Nope."

My interview with Austin Powers after he watched last nights 60 Minutes:

And now we have our premise...so let's get right to it:

(Though you need to know that The Obama's were on 60 minutes last night.)

(And you also need to know that this premise is being used only for one punchline that I'm sure you've already guessed. Because you're smaht! Not like they say!)

ME: "So did you watch the interview with the Barack's?"

AUSTIN: "Yeah, baby, yeah"

ME: "Did you find it informative?"

AUSTIN: "Yeah, baby, yeah"

ME: "Did you feel Mr. Bama answered the questions honestly?"

AUSTIN: "Yeah, baby, yeah"

ME: "Doesn't he have a gorgeous smile?"

AUSTIN: "Yeah, baby, yeah"

ME: "His tie was kinda way too long though, correct?"

AUSTIN: "Yeah, baby, yeah"

ME: "Did you find it interesting how much his kids came up in the interview?"

AUSTIN: "Yeah, baby, yeah"

ME: "Do you think it's a good idea him wanting to close Gitmo and stop torture?

AUSTIN: "Yeah, baby, yeah"

ME: "Do you think he should help bailout General Motors?"

AUSTIN: "Yeah, baby, yeah"

ME: "That was kinda weird when he brought up a College Football playoff system, huh?"

AUSTIN: "Yeah, baby, yeah"

ME: "What did you think of his wife, Michelle?"

AUSTIN: "That's not his wife, it's a man, baby! A MAN!"

-----------

So to sum up:

Our future President is married to possibly a man. And I think said Man First Lady has an extra set of teeth...much like the Great White Shark.

And don't bailout General Motors.

And get the President-Elect a shorter tie.

Or something, Baby!

Date Night.

So last week I got some chemicals (Windex and Pledge furniture polish) on my hands it it must have caused some kind of reaction because my hands started drying out and peeling and cracking and all around getting pretty gross.

So a week goes by.

Last night me and Wifey are at a restaurant on Date Night:

WIFEY: "So how are your hands?"

ME: ::shows Wifey my hands:::

WIFEY: "Ewwww....you have X-Files hands!"

ME: "I don't have X-Files hands."

WIFEY: "You do! They look like X-Files hands!"

ME: You're nuts....they're just cracked and peeling."

WIFEY: "Yeah...like X-Files."

ME: "It was from the chemicals."

WIFEY: "You're so delicate."

ME: "I am not. It was the chemicals."

WIFEY: "X-Files hands."

ME: "Do you want some dessert?"

Review of the New James Bond Movie

CLINKY: "Excuse me , Sir? Could you please put your cell phone away."

SIR: "It's not bothering anyone."

CLINKY: "YES. IT. IS."

SIR: :::puts cell phone away:::

--------

So To Sum Up

Quantum of Silence

James Bond, Armenia

Well, the new James Bond movie opens today. It's called Quantum of Solace and is from a short story Ian Fleming wrote.

(Don't you hate when your solace is measured in quantums?)

But it's kinda of a stupid title for a movie and the producers have used up all of the original Bond titles. So of course it's up to us, yes us, to come up with titles for future James Bond movies. (I think we've done this before)

And now before I even begin I'm bored with the project.

So maybe I'll just complain about American Express.

Huh?

Years ago when I started my business I wanted to accept American Express in my shop and these pompous assholes wanted to charge me crazy fees to have the 'privilege' of taking their 'prestigious' cards.

And then they gave out Gold Cards and Platinum Cards and made people feel important.

But you want to know something? It was just a stupid credit card and nobody was EVER impressed. EVER!

I never accepted their stupid card in my little shop. For decades I haven't.

And every so often someone will take out their American Express card and I tell them "Sorry, we don't accept that card." (and it feels real good)

So the people just put it away and take out a Visa card.

Do you know why?

Because people with American Express cards also carry Visa Cards.

Point of the story?

American Express is near broke and is begging the USA for a bailout! HA! FUCK YOU AMERICAN EXPRESS YOU SON OF A BITCH LOSER CARD COMPANY!! DRY UP AND GO AWAY!!!

I WIN!!

It took 25 years but I won!! YOU STINKING LOSER!!!

----

BOND TITLES FOR AMERICAN EXPRESS:

Die And Let Die.

Die Today

GOLD CARD ::gives it the finger::

FROM AMERICAN EXPRESS WITH HATE

Doctor YouPompousAssholes

Visa Cards are Forever

The Man With The Gold Card (snicker)

The Spy Who Hated American Express

Quantum of SoLittleCash (because you mismanaged your company Mr. Express!)

You Were Only Late Twice (but we canceled you anyhow!)

ThunderBills

Cashino (We Screwed Up) Royale


-------

So To Further Sum Up:

American Express=Loser.

Jennifer Aniston

So last night I get home and Wifey is watching some Jennifer Aniston/Kevin Costner movie on the Oxygen channel. That's all you really need to know, but I will continue anyhow.

So at one point in the movie I turn to Wifey...

ME: "That Jennifer sure does have some Man-Hands, huh?"

WIFEY: :::silence:::

-----

Movie continues...

------

ME: "Wow...she sure does have some big hands, huh?"

WIFEY: "Quiet."

-----

The point?

Well, it seems every decade I get a famous star that I start hating on and Wifey could sense that my new target was gonna be Jennifer.

Is Jennifer talented?

Maybe.

A little.

Pretty?

Sorta.

Nice body?

It's real good.

So why am I hating on her?

Giant hands!

And take a look at her nose sometime! Very mannish.

And she picks these softball bland-o movies.

And she's one of these bitches that thought after F*R*I*E*N*D*S she'd be all in demand.

HEY JEN!!! NOBODY CARES!!!

And she's always whining about Brad leaving her and stuff.

And take a look at her chin. Very strange. And her eyes are too close togther.

And just so you don't think I'm nuts, my Women of Hatred over the years are:

1970s-Barbra Streisand. Ugly. Mildly talented. Still hate her. Possibly a man.

1980s- Julia Roberts. Mildly talented. Possibly a man. Giant feet. Still hate her.

1990s- Hillary Clinton. Man. Hate her.

2000s- And now Jennifer Aniston. Mildly talented. Very Mannish after you study her like I have.

-----

Now take these four whores and have Marvel Comics publish a comic about them. Stan Lee would name them The DIVAvengers.

I would name them The Four Ugly Mannish Bitches.

Or something.
--------

SO TO SUM UP:

WIFEY knew what she was doing when she refused to engage me in conversation last night, for I would have ranted.

Then I guess my Thanksgiving Dinner will be forced to sue Batman, Turkey

//////The city of Batman, in southeastern Turkey, is suing Warner Brothers and The Dark Knight director Christopher Nolan over the use of the city’s name. The mayor of the city, Huseyin Kalkin, told the Hurriyet Daily News that the suit was suggested by foreign journalists as a way out of the city’s financial troubles.//////


Do I need to really even add anything to this story?

Vampi Hedren's Day!

I hate hate. I love love.

So I'm driving home yesterday when all of a sudden I get this urge to stop at this Jewish Church (sin a god?)... I take a can a spray paint I always keep in my car (for just these kind of emergencies) and a start spraying a few swastikas on the Jew Church.

All of a sudden there is a beam of light shining in my eyes and a loud boooming voice calls out:

POLICEMAN: "Hold it right there, Buddy. You're under arrest!"

ME: "Arrest?? I'm under arrest?? What the heck for??"

POLICEMAN: "Defacing private property and for Hate Crimes!"

ME: "Defacing?? Hate Crimes??"

POLICEMAN: "Yuppers."

ME: I'm not defacing anything....I'm making it look better. Don't you think?"

POLICEMAN: "Nope-ers."

ME: "And what the heck is this about HATE CRIMES???"

POLICEMAN: You're painting swastikas on the Jewish Church and that falls under Hate Crime."

ME: "That's stupid. I love the Jews! I don't hate them.

POLICEMAN: "So why are you painting swastikas on their church?"

ME: "I Love Nazis!"

POLICEMAN: "Well, just make sure you don't throw the empty can in the bushes. Have a great night!"

ME: "You too!....Nite!"

Dedicated to The Li'l Brit (Brit daughter)

So this morning I hop out of bed and hop on downstairs.

Get some coffee to hop myself up for the day.

Hop on back upstairs, hop in the shower, and get dressed for work.

Glance back at the mirror (make sure my hair looks good)

Hop in my car and drive to Bank #1. Hop out of the car, hop into the bank, and make a deposit.

(Glance at my reflection in window to make sure my hair looks good)

Hop back into car and proceed to Bank #2.

Hop back out of car, hop into bank, make deposit, quick reflection check.

Hop back into car. Hop on the Pike.

Quick glance into rearview mirror for hair check.

Arrive at store, hop out of car, hop on over to mailbox to drop some mail in, and then hop back to the store.

Quick check of hair in reflection in window.

Hair looks good.

Hop over to computer and write blog.

Hair is probably still looking good.


And that my friends is an A+.

Or something.

Obama apologizes to Nancy Reagan!

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20081108/D94AI09O0.html

A racist friend of mine pointed out that Reagan spelled backwards is Nagaer.

We've come so far, yet not far enough.

I want pancakes. Grape jelly and butter on some toasted english muffins. Maybe some bacon.

Big cold milk. Orange juice.

Or something.

Dear Trigalina,

He's now changed his mind.

Sorry...better luck in 2012!

Gone fishin' (dijon baked trout)

Goddamn Racist Pasta Wop!

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D949IP183&show_article=1

I've been waiting years to use the words: Goddamn Racist Pasta Wop...
and now I must thank Barack Obama for giving me that opportunity.

I've also been waiting years to use the words: Tinkle Stick when referring to my penis....Thank you Sarah Palin!

All politics, all the time!

1313 Mockingbird Lane or is it 1600 Transylvania Ave?

So Baracky is starting to think about his cabinet.

As he should.

Rumor has it that John Kerry Munster wants the Secretary of State job.

JOHN KERRY???? The loser that LOST to George Bush? That lost to him after we saw four years of Bush??

Why on earth would anybody want John Kerry for anything?? Man is a fool.

And don't forget he scares children.

Barack Obama lands on The Sun.

Sue me...I like the picture. Looks super-heroey.

If the dress is any indication...

...the Obama's might not be making the best choices for America.

Just because we should never, ever, forget.

Obama's first day of school is tomorrow..

////On Thursday, Obama is expected to receive his first top-secret intelligence briefing, similar to the one Bush gets every day, according to U.S. officials familiar with the process./////////

The above was in the paper today.

They're gonna tell him where the WMDs are in Iraq.

Or something.

RIP Michael Crichton

(I wonder if he was found in amber?)

Damn...it feels good to be done with election and just posting some good old fashioned RIPs.

Post-Election Update

I'm in a field. Frollicking with GreyHound puppies.

High on The Reefer.

But with no money.

Everything is SO green.

:::looks around:::

Hey!...everything seems exactly the same.

Nothing has changed.

HE LIED!!!

A joke for the new era.

These three ....ummmm......these three....ummmmmm Jews were working on the plantation when all of a sudden their Master came storming onto the cotton field.

MASTER: "Which one of you...ummmm....JEWS spoke to my daughter?!"

LEON: "Not me Master!

TOBY: "Wasn't me Master!"

BOOKER: "It was the rich and successful black businessman."

MASTER: "Thank god it wasn't one of you three."

A tear to your eye.

What you are about to read is true. It was on WBZ radio this morning.

Yesterday this pregnant woman was all set to go down to vote when all of a sudden she went into labor.

But voting was important to her.

She got herself down to the polling place and the nice folks in line let her get to the front so she could vote and then get to the hospital.

Which she did.

She delivered a baby girl.

Did I mention she was a Republican?

She named that beautiful little girl....Reagan.

-----------

6:33 and we declare a winner.

Barack Obama.


According to my exit poll.

Sometimes I even watch Star Trek: The Next Generation on Election Night and eat some Vanilla Wafers.

Love me some Star Trek and Oreo cookies on Election Night! Maybe even a classic Disney movie!

The Last Interview.

ME: "Well...this looks like your last interview with us for a while."

MacDaddy: "Thank you my friend."

ME: "I'll toss you some softballs."

MacDaddy: "Thank you my friend."

ME: "What was your favorite TV show?"

MacDaddy: "Maverick."

ME: "Favorite Mel Gibson movie?"

MacDaddy: "Maverick."

ME: "Favorite car you ever had?"

MacDaddy: "1970 Maverick."

ME: "What is your favorite role that Tom Cruise ever played?"

MacDaddy: "Well, I hate Tom Cruise but I'd have to say Maverick from Top Gun."

ME: "Favorite member of Monty Python?"

MacDaddy: "Palin."

ME: "Least favorite food?"

MacDaddy: "Pork."

ME: "Do you think you have a chance of winning today?"

MacDaddy: "Pork."

ME: "Huh?"

MacDaddy: "Pork."

ME: "Who is your favorite American?"

MacDaddy: "Pork."

ME: "Favorite color?"

MacDaddy: "Pork."

ME: "What is your wife's name?"

MacDaddy: "Pork!"

ME: "Do you put on your pants first or your shirt?"

MacDaddy: "Pork!"

ME: "Why do you reach across the aisle?"

MacDaddy: "Pork!"

ME: "If Hillary was the nominee would you have won against her?"

MacDaddy: "I would have scattered her brains from here to White Plains!"

ME: "Shame she wasn't the nominee, huh?"

MacDaddy: "Pork."

Don't re-elect him.

All my rantings and ravings for the last few months I totatlly forgot this ugly monster was on the ballot.

A vote for John Kerry is a vote for big repulsive stupid guys.

Vote YES on Question #3 (greyhound racing)

http://www.sec.state.ma.us/ele/ele08/ballot_questions_08/quest_3.htm

They keep these buses locked up for up to twenty hours a day.

Vote YES to stop Greyhound racing.


PS:

Dear My Kids,

Smoking greyhounds can lead to heroin.

Or McDonalds.

Or something.

Love,
Dad

Vote YES on Question #2 (the weed one)

On the ballot this Tuesday is Question #2 (clever, huh?)

http://www.sec.state.ma.us/ele/ele08/ballot_questions_08/quest_2.htm

Vote YES. I really don't need to rant about this. Just vote YES. Even you stupid Democrats should trust me on this one.

:::everything is sooooo green:::::

Vote YES.

Stop letting politicians tell you what you can and can't do.



PS:
Dear My Kids,

Weed leads to Heroin and unwanted pregnancy.

Or McDonalds.

Or something.

Love,
Dad

Vote YES on Question #1 (assclowns!)

Okay...so I've been ranting and raving all through the election season.

You've turned me off.

But listen now. (and of course Monday for my last ditch effort to exhume Ronald Reagan)

On the Masschusetts ballot is something called QUESTION #1 (they're clever, huh?)

http://www.sec.state.ma.us/ELE/ele08/ballot_questions_08/quest_1.htm

Vote YES on this.

You are voting for no state income tax!

When given the chance you should ALWAYS vote for no tax. NEVER, EVER, EVER give these ass clowns more of your money. They will waste it. ALWAYS.

We already have a sales tax. Fees. Property tax. Excise tax. Tolls, More fees. So many goddamn taxes we don't want more. (Remember when they said when The Mass. Pike was paid for that they'd get rid of the tolls? That was decades ago. Assclowns)

Oh...but they've scared you into believing that they'll be forced to cut police, fire and teachers if WE eliminate the state income tax.

That's crap.

Why don't they ever threaten to cut that lazy ass road worker that leans on his shovel all day doing nothing? Or millions in overtime? Or fancy offices for they douchepricks? Or any of the other obvious waste? Huh? Because they are lazy stupid douchebags that don't understand money. That's why.

They're not going to cut the police, fire or teachers.

If THEY have less of YOUR money they will start (maybe) to run an efficient machine instead of the bullshit that has gone on ever since taxes were invented.

If you vote to keep the state income tax you are a dope. A fool. A jester. An assclown.

It's true.

You're giving money to a small select group of politicians to spend as they see fit.

When has a politician EVER spent all of the money (your money!) wisely? Huh?

Never. That's when.

Every $1.00 you give them maybe .20 cents is spent wisely.

Don't give them more.

Don't make me call YOU an assclown.

Of course we need good schools and firemen and policemen and good roads and stuff.

Get rid of the state income tax and you'll still have all that.

And a new flat screen TV in your livingroom or a Walt Disney World vacation.

Or something.