Friday, November 14, 2008

James Bond, Armenia




Well, the new James Bond movie opens today. It's called Quantum of Solace and is from a short story Ian Fleming wrote.

(Don't you hate when your solace is measured in quantums?)

But it's kinda of a stupid title for a movie and the producers have used up all of the original Bond titles. So of course it's up to us, yes us, to come up with titles for future James Bond movies. (I think we've done this before)

And now before I even begin I'm bored with the project.

So maybe I'll just complain about American Express.

Huh?

Years ago when I started my business I wanted to accept American Express in my shop and these pompous assholes wanted to charge me crazy fees to have the 'privilege' of taking their 'prestigious' cards.

And then they gave out Gold Cards and Platinum Cards and made people feel important.

But you want to know something? It was just a stupid credit card and nobody was EVER impressed. EVER!

I never accepted their stupid card in my little shop. For decades I haven't.

And every so often someone will take out their American Express card and I tell them "Sorry, we don't accept that card." (and it feels real good)

So the people just put it away and take out a Visa card.

Do you know why?

Because people with American Express cards also carry Visa Cards.

Point of the story?

American Express is near broke and is begging the USA for a bailout! HA! FUCK YOU AMERICAN EXPRESS YOU SON OF A BITCH LOSER CARD COMPANY!! DRY UP AND GO AWAY!!!

I WIN!!

It took 25 years but I won!! YOU STINKING LOSER!!!

----

BOND TITLES FOR AMERICAN EXPRESS:

Die And Let Die.

Die Today

GOLD CARD ::gives it the finger::

FROM AMERICAN EXPRESS WITH HATE

Doctor YouPompousAssholes

Visa Cards are Forever

The Man With The Gold Card (snicker)

The Spy Who Hated American Express

Quantum of SoLittleCash (because you mismanaged your company Mr. Express!)

You Were Only Late Twice (but we canceled you anyhow!)

ThunderBills

Cashino (We Screwed Up) Royale


-------

So To Further Sum Up:

American Express=Loser.

37 comments:

cake said...

Jinx.

cake said...

p.s.
This is my favourite recent post...it has ranting, it has James Bond, it has a game, and it has pictures. Perfection!

I Ain't No Oprah said...

You can't jinx me! I did mine a 1/2 hour before yours!

The Broad With The Plagarizing Gold Fingers.

bacon ace said...

Damn but he's on a roll today.

bacon ace said...

Live and Let Diners Club

No wait, I think I screwed up the game.

blofeld said...

Carte Blanc, Mister Bond!

Sparkle Plenty said...

Assclown?

James Bond/Beatles/IANO crossover:
Quantum of Something?

Naw, I'm shooting blanks here.

What if the Beatles sang about American Express (hush yo mouth, I know it's the wrong game--I'm differently abled):

All You Need is Visa
Can't Buy Me Love with American Express
Happiness is A Warm Gun with which I can shoot holes in your American Express card
Mailman, Bring Me No More American Express Offers
Money (That's What American Express Wants)
You've Got To Hide Your Card Away--IANO don't take it

cake said...

But I wrote mine before looking at yours, Live and Let Be a Loser! (aka. IANO)

For the WIN!

Horroru (Joe O) said...

Since Bacon Ace and Sparkle are playing there own game, well I can play at that game too...or something.

Beatles songs that could be used as Bond titles:

Happiness is a Warm Golden Gun (ewwww, I know)
Octopussy's Garden
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds are Forever
Tomorrow Never Knows or Dies
GoldenEye Slumbers
Mean Mr. Blofeld
All My Loving from Russia
Spy Loves You
On Her Majesty's Mystery Tour
I Wanna Hold Your Goldfinger
Live and Let Die

Lois Lane said...

Oh! I wanna play my own game too!

James Bond Titles That Are As Good As Pie:

Octopussy ala Mode
LIve and Let Rhubarb
Blueberry Royale
Pumpkinraker
Lucy in the Sky With Mincemeat

Wait. I think I'm getting confused...

heavy helen said...

Lois:

I was, in fact, in all those James Bond movies.

Really.

moneypenny said...

HORRORU SO wins.

Sorry losers.

M said...

Agreed.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Bond Titles As Board Games:

LIFE and Let Die

Doctor UNO

MonopolyRaker

The CandyLand With The Golden Gum

Hungry Hungry Hipussy

Operation: Thunderball

GoldenEyetionary

(DAMN! Horror U still wins!)

I Ain't No Oprah said...

James Bond Titles As Candy:

Doctor Nougat

From Raisinettes With Love

ChocolateFinger

Candy Coated Thunderballs

You Only Lick Twice

On Hershey's Secret Service

Mounds Are Forever

Lick and Let Digest

The Van With The Golden Gum

The Spy Who Licked and Chewed Me

(do I get points for putting them in order by release date? Huh?)

Sparkle Plenty said...

Horroru (joeo) is #1! Horroru (joeo) is #1!

Except: I must say that I'd like some Blueberry Royale pie...

(GoldenEyetionary?)

Randall Flagg said...

James Bond as Stephen King books?

Pussyknockers

Doctor Cujo

Shining Diamonds Are Forever

From Castle Rock With Love

Sparkle Plenty said...

What if...
...James Bond villain henchmen invaded TV?

Dirty Oddjobs
Monty Pussy's Flying Circus
Nick Nack at Nite
Three Blind Mice's Company

Yessssssss.

Did I mention that Horroru (joe O) is #1?

Sparkle Plenty said...

Hmm...although the Randall Flagg ones are pretty snappy.

Thing#1 said...

Bond does Suess?

Oddjob Hears a Who.

Go Blofeld, Go!

The Pussy in the Hat

How Spectre Stole Christmas

cake said...

"(do I get points for putting them in order by release date? Huh?)"

IANO:

You get points for the order...and then you lose them for being vaguely obscene a few times.

And HorrorU still wins!

Sparkle Plenty said...

The Van with the Golden Gum?????

cake said...

What if Bond movie titles were in a bar?

Doctor Nnnn...::incomprehensible slur::
From Redwine With Love
Ginfinger
Thunderhighballs
You Only Lush Twice
On Her Whisky's Secret Service
Drambuie is Forever
Drink and Let Drive (a stretch...)
The Man With The Golden
The Spy Who Loaded Me

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Bond titles as cocktails:

Doctor Cosmo

From Black Russian with Love

Kahlua Live Twice

Live and Let Daquiri

cake said...

Oh gawd, I so didn't mean that first one the way it sounds...it was meant to be someone slurring their words after being drunk. HA!

cake said...

What if the Bond movies were religious films?

Doctor No (cuz the Bible says that a lot)
From Jesus With Love
You Only Sin Seven Times
On Mary's Secret Service
Crosses are Forever
The Man with the Gold and Myrrh and Frankincense
The Spy Who Crucified Me

cake said...

::snicker::

Doctor Who
From Gallifrey With Love
Sonicfinger
You Don't Only Regenerate Twice
On Her Torchwood's Secret Service
Daleks are Forever
The Man With The Golden K9

tony said...

Geek.

adolf said...

What if the Bond movies were racist?

Doctor N-Word
From the Deep South With Love
Jewballs
On Her Nazi's Secret Service
The Man With The Golden Swastika
The SlantyEye Who Loved Me

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Bond at Christmas time?

From Rudolph With Love

Decktor Noel

You Only Light The Tree Twice

JingleBall

On Her Majesty's Secret Santa

Casinoel Royale

Never Say Eggnog Again

MoonWrapper

cake said...

Crap, I was just doing Christmas...

cake said...

Bond as travel films?

Doctor Nome, Alaska
From Russia With Love (no edit required)
Niagarafalls
You Only London Twice
Denmark is Forever
The City Who Loved Me

i'm just drawn this way said...

Fwom Wascally Wabbit With Wuv
ThunderBugs
On Wile E. Coyote's Secret Service
Daffy Duck Forever
The Toon Who Loved Me

a patriotic american said...

From Sarah With Love
Joefinger
Thunderbidens
Democrats are Forever
The Man With The Golden GOP
The Spy Who Loved McCain

I Ain't No Oprah said...

What if they made Bond films about all of us blogging losers?

Doctor NoOprah

ThunderSaul

Lois and Let Live

The Sparkle Who Loved Me

CakeFinger

The Man With The Golden Comb

Cynics Are Forever

Never Say Redbeard Again

Clinky Royale

Fry Another Day (Bacon Ace)

For Jayne's Eyes Only

Quantum of Lamont

Doctor NoOprah

From Texas With Love

Horroru (Joe O) said...

More Blogger Losers (with some repeats):

CakeCanada Royale
The Living DavidzRantz
Horroru Only Live Twice
Thundermulderjoe
Quantum of Lois
Octosparkleplenty
For Your Eyes Hoagy
A View to a Kathy

Hillary said...

Dearest IANO:

Did you miss me?

Love,
Hill