Well, the new James Bond movie opens today. It's called Quantum of Solace and is from a short story Ian Fleming wrote.
(Don't you hate when your solace is measured in quantums?)
But it's kinda of a stupid title for a movie and the producers have used up all of the original Bond titles. So of course it's up to us, yes us, to come up with titles for future James Bond movies. (I think we've done this before)
And now before I even begin I'm bored with the project.
So maybe I'll just complain about American Express.
Huh?
Years ago when I started my business I wanted to accept American Express in my shop and these pompous assholes wanted to charge me crazy fees to have the 'privilege' of taking their 'prestigious' cards.
And then they gave out Gold Cards and Platinum Cards and made people feel important.
But you want to know something? It was just a stupid credit card and nobody was EVER impressed. EVER!
I never accepted their stupid card in my little shop. For decades I haven't.
And every so often someone will take out their American Express card and I tell them "Sorry, we don't accept that card." (and it feels real good)
So the people just put it away and take out a Visa card.
Do you know why?
Because people with American Express cards also carry Visa Cards.
Point of the story?
American Express is near broke and is begging the USA for a bailout! HA! FUCK YOU AMERICAN EXPRESS YOU SON OF A BITCH LOSER CARD COMPANY!! DRY UP AND GO AWAY!!!
I WIN!!
It took 25 years but I won!! YOU STINKING LOSER!!!
----
BOND TITLES FOR AMERICAN EXPRESS:
Die And Let Die.
Die Today
GOLD CARD ::gives it the finger::
FROM AMERICAN EXPRESS WITH HATE
Doctor YouPompousAssholes
Visa Cards are Forever
The Man With The Gold Card (snicker)
The Spy Who Hated American Express
Quantum of SoLittleCash (because you mismanaged your company Mr. Express!)
You Were Only Late Twice (but we canceled you anyhow!)
ThunderBills
Cashino (We Screwed Up) Royale
-------
So To Further Sum Up:
American Express=Loser.
37 comments:
Jinx.
p.s.
This is my favourite recent post...it has ranting, it has James Bond, it has a game, and it has pictures. Perfection!
You can't jinx me! I did mine a 1/2 hour before yours!
The Broad With The Plagarizing Gold Fingers.
Damn but he's on a roll today.
Live and Let Diners Club
No wait, I think I screwed up the game.
Carte Blanc, Mister Bond!
Assclown?
James Bond/Beatles/IANO crossover:
Quantum of Something?
Naw, I'm shooting blanks here.
What if the Beatles sang about American Express (hush yo mouth, I know it's the wrong game--I'm differently abled):
All You Need is Visa
Can't Buy Me Love with American Express
Happiness is A Warm Gun with which I can shoot holes in your American Express card
Mailman, Bring Me No More American Express Offers
Money (That's What American Express Wants)
You've Got To Hide Your Card Away--IANO don't take it
But I wrote mine before looking at yours, Live and Let Be a Loser! (aka. IANO)
For the WIN!
Since Bacon Ace and Sparkle are playing there own game, well I can play at that game too...or something.
Beatles songs that could be used as Bond titles:
Happiness is a Warm Golden Gun (ewwww, I know)
Octopussy's Garden
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds are Forever
Tomorrow Never Knows or Dies
GoldenEye Slumbers
Mean Mr. Blofeld
All My Loving from Russia
Spy Loves You
On Her Majesty's Mystery Tour
I Wanna Hold Your Goldfinger
Live and Let Die
Oh! I wanna play my own game too!
James Bond Titles That Are As Good As Pie:
Octopussy ala Mode
LIve and Let Rhubarb
Blueberry Royale
Pumpkinraker
Lucy in the Sky With Mincemeat
Wait. I think I'm getting confused...
Lois:
I was, in fact, in all those James Bond movies.
Really.
HORRORU SO wins.
Sorry losers.
Agreed.
Bond Titles As Board Games:
LIFE and Let Die
Doctor UNO
MonopolyRaker
The CandyLand With The Golden Gum
Hungry Hungry Hipussy
Operation: Thunderball
GoldenEyetionary
(DAMN! Horror U still wins!)
James Bond Titles As Candy:
Doctor Nougat
From Raisinettes With Love
ChocolateFinger
Candy Coated Thunderballs
You Only Lick Twice
On Hershey's Secret Service
Mounds Are Forever
Lick and Let Digest
The Van With The Golden Gum
The Spy Who Licked and Chewed Me
(do I get points for putting them in order by release date? Huh?)
Horroru (joeo) is #1! Horroru (joeo) is #1!
Except: I must say that I'd like some Blueberry Royale pie...
(GoldenEyetionary?)
James Bond as Stephen King books?
Pussyknockers
Doctor Cujo
Shining Diamonds Are Forever
From Castle Rock With Love
What if...
...James Bond villain henchmen invaded TV?
Dirty Oddjobs
Monty Pussy's Flying Circus
Nick Nack at Nite
Three Blind Mice's Company
Yessssssss.
Did I mention that Horroru (joe O) is #1?
Hmm...although the Randall Flagg ones are pretty snappy.
Bond does Suess?
Oddjob Hears a Who.
Go Blofeld, Go!
The Pussy in the Hat
How Spectre Stole Christmas
"(do I get points for putting them in order by release date? Huh?)"
IANO:
You get points for the order...and then you lose them for being vaguely obscene a few times.
And HorrorU still wins!
The Van with the Golden Gum?????
What if Bond movie titles were in a bar?
Doctor Nnnn...::incomprehensible slur::
From Redwine With Love
Ginfinger
Thunderhighballs
You Only Lush Twice
On Her Whisky's Secret Service
Drambuie is Forever
Drink and Let Drive (a stretch...)
The Man With The Golden
The Spy Who Loaded Me
Bond titles as cocktails:
Doctor Cosmo
From Black Russian with Love
Kahlua Live Twice
Live and Let Daquiri
Oh gawd, I so didn't mean that first one the way it sounds...it was meant to be someone slurring their words after being drunk. HA!
What if the Bond movies were religious films?
Doctor No (cuz the Bible says that a lot)
From Jesus With Love
You Only Sin Seven Times
On Mary's Secret Service
Crosses are Forever
The Man with the Gold and Myrrh and Frankincense
The Spy Who Crucified Me
::snicker::
Doctor Who
From Gallifrey With Love
Sonicfinger
You Don't Only Regenerate Twice
On Her Torchwood's Secret Service
Daleks are Forever
The Man With The Golden K9
Geek.
What if the Bond movies were racist?
Doctor N-Word
From the Deep South With Love
Jewballs
On Her Nazi's Secret Service
The Man With The Golden Swastika
The SlantyEye Who Loved Me
Bond at Christmas time?
From Rudolph With Love
Decktor Noel
You Only Light The Tree Twice
JingleBall
On Her Majesty's Secret Santa
Casinoel Royale
Never Say Eggnog Again
MoonWrapper
Crap, I was just doing Christmas...
Bond as travel films?
Doctor Nome, Alaska
From Russia With Love (no edit required)
Niagarafalls
You Only London Twice
Denmark is Forever
The City Who Loved Me
Fwom Wascally Wabbit With Wuv
ThunderBugs
On Wile E. Coyote's Secret Service
Daffy Duck Forever
The Toon Who Loved Me
From Sarah With Love
Joefinger
Thunderbidens
Democrats are Forever
The Man With The Golden GOP
The Spy Who Loved McCain
What if they made Bond films about all of us blogging losers?
Doctor NoOprah
ThunderSaul
Lois and Let Live
The Sparkle Who Loved Me
CakeFinger
The Man With The Golden Comb
Cynics Are Forever
Never Say Redbeard Again
Clinky Royale
Fry Another Day (Bacon Ace)
For Jayne's Eyes Only
Quantum of Lamont
Doctor NoOprah
From Texas With Love
More Blogger Losers (with some repeats):
CakeCanada Royale
The Living DavidzRantz
Horroru Only Live Twice
Thundermulderjoe
Quantum of Lois
Octosparkleplenty
For Your Eyes Hoagy
A View to a Kathy
Dearest IANO:
Did you miss me?
Love,
Hill
Post a Comment