Just play the goddamn game!

ME: "You're starving to death...what do you eat...a dog or a cat?"

WIFEY: "Neither."

ME: "You HAVE to pick one. You're starving to death...cat or dog?"

WIFEY: "I'm not eating a cat or a dog."

ME: "You don't have to kill it...it will be prepared. Cat or dog?"

WIFEY: I am not going to eat a cat or dog. That's gross!"

ME: "You're on an island. You're starving to death! A cat. Or a dog?"

WIFEY: "I'm not eating a cat or a dog."

ME: "Do you want some popcorn?"

WIFEY: "No thank you."

This is it.

ME: "Did you go see the new Michael Jackson movie?"

GUY: "Who plays Michael?"

Crazy Jason and Gary Gygax

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Gary Gygax?"

ME: "I know of him...why?"

CRAZY JASON: "Is he from Hungary?

ME: "I'm not sure."

Boyfriend Jeans

You might want to do a google image search on "boyfriend jeans"

These are possibly worse than the Capri scare of 2003-2009.

Deadlier than the (luckily short-lived) Croc infestation of 2008.

-----

Dear Women of all shapes and sizes,

You won't look good in these!

Don't wear them!!

Love,
I AINT NO OPRAH

Dear UNICEF,

Next year please keep your begging mulattos away from my house.

Thank you in advance!

LOVE,
I AINT NO OPRAH.


(I'm probably in trouble for today's post, huh?)

What to say to Trick or Treaters!!

Don't like talking to trick or treaters?

Don't know what to say to them?

Use this handy Cheat-Sheet of time-honored classics:

1) "Aren't you ADORABLE!! Hey Honey, come here and look at this Cutie!"

2) "OHHHH!! Scary!!!"

3) "And what are YOU supposed to be?"

4) "Aren't you kinda old to be trick or treatiing??"

5) "We're out of candy...would you like a penny or a band-aid"

6) "You're out kinda late, huh?"

7) "Oh, look, our first Batman!" (19th Batman)

8) "Oh, look, our first Princess!" (27th Princess)

9) "HOBO!"

10) "GET OFFA MY LAWN!!!"

Or maybe this one?

Best song of the 1980s (because I said so!)

MASH-UPS

I've gone my whole life without hearing the term 'mash-up'.

But now all of a sudden in the last two weeks I've heard it fourteen or eighteen times!! Maybe nineteen times!

STOP WITH THE MASH-UPS! (does Federal Express get angry at this??)

The only thing I want mashed up is my potatoes.

And butternut squash. Little brown sugar. Lots of butter.





-----

A visit from Lois and her kids

So Lois and her kids stop in the shop today for a visit.

The little guy spots a Black Jesus bobblehead doll.

Here is the conversation that followed:

LITTLE GUY: "Mom! Who is this?"

LOIS: "That's Black Jesus."

LITTLE GUY: "What can he do?"

LOIS: "Everything White Jesus can. And dance."

The Heimlich Manure

So I wake up last night and that is going through my brain.

I know it's a 'winner'.

The Heimlich Manure.

I know it's a great punchline. I'll build a story around it and then BAM!

Heimlich Manure.

The guffaws will be heard from here to there.

I will be famous.

The Heimlich Manure!

Funny funny.

And then I thought..."Crap, that's something Crazy Jason would think of!"

It's only a matter of time before he calls with a Heimlich Manure story.

I know this.

I think he's inside me.

Or something.

I think I just came up with a way to keep America safe from ever being attacked.

It's a simple plan.

Most of our clothes are made overseas, correct?

So lets change up sizing.

Huh?

We'll send design changes to the factories in Taiwan and China and Pakistan etc.

For example:

A man's dress shirt that would normally be an extra-large...now label it small. They will think we're HUGE!

A normally XXL shirt?? Label it medium. They will tremble.

Etc.


These dumb ass countries will think Americans are GIANTS and POWERFUL and they will leave us alone. ("Amelicans berry big, berry strong")

Clever, huh?

Excuse me while I wash in my own genius.

PS:

We'll also change female dress sizes to a minimum of 40. Keep the bastards from wanting our women.

God Bless America.

It was five years ago today, Sgt Pepper taught the band to play

Joe

Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting

You remind me of a man.

"What man?"

"A man with a power."

"Power of what?"

"Voodoo."

"Who do?"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of a man."

"What man?"

"A man with a power."

"Power of what?"

"Voodoo."

"Who do?"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of a man."

"What man?"

"A man with a power."

"Power of what?"

"Voodoo."

"Who do?"

"Do what?"

"Remind me of a man."

"What man?"

Or something.
-----

Phillies in seven.

Swine Flu. You got that?

It's Swine Flu. (It's just been declared a National Emergency! Good thing Obama is on the ball...oh, wait...he knew about this eight months ago)

Swine Flu.

That's what you call it.

That's what I call it.

Swine Flu.

But somehow in the last couple of weeks the media is calling it H1N1 Flu.

All scientific-ey

Or IS it the media that's calling it H1N1?

Could it be...our government??

It's one of the two.

Or could it be the Pig Lobby? (don't wanna be giving pigs a bad name or anything)

It's Swine Flu. You know it. I know it. They know it. But they're now calling it H1N1 Flu


Swine Flu...it rolls off the tongue. H1N1 Flu...not so much.

When you look at H1N1 in print your (my) first thought is that it's pronounced 'HINEY'

I wish it was the Hiney Flu. Something humorous about that.

The Hiney Flu.

Point of the story?

If the Hoag had actually been the one to invent taxicabs he would be a very very wealthy man. With Hiney Flu.

Or something.

I want soup! (RIP)

Million dollar idea, two dollar brain. Or is it a two dollar idea in a million dollar brain?

I'm gonna paraphrase a conversation with the Hoag.

HOAG: "I just came up with a million dollar idea!"

ME: "And what might that be?"

HOAG: "Well, let's say you're out drinking and you drink too much..."

ME: "Yeah, yeah...go on?"

HOAG: "Well, we could provide a driving service where we pick you up at wherever you're drinking and drive you home."

ME: "You mean like a taxi cab?"

HOAG: "I guess it is....crap."

ME: "Should we have another drink?"

Time is up

Looks like it's just about time to delete some slackers.

Dear France,

Sometimes I sell stuff on ebay.

In my listing I mention that I will only ship to the US.

So unless you want us to go all Hitler on you...STOP BIDDING ON MY STUFF BECAUSE IT SCREWS UP MY AUCTIONS!!

You got that, leAsshole? lePoof?

The successful criminal brain is always superior. It has to be! (RIP)

I love you, FOXNEWS.COM !!

>Somalia’s hardline Islamist group al Shabaab is cracking down on residents who do not follow a strict form of Sharia Islamic law, now publicly whipping women who wear bras, the Times of India reported.

Residents tell the paper that gunmen have been gathering women in Mogadishu who are perceived to have firm busts. These women are then publicly whipped by masked men as punishment for what Islamist leaders call deception.

After the public whippings, the women are forced to remove their bras and shake their breasts, the Times reported.

“Al Shabaab forced us to wear their type of veil and now they order us to shake our breasts,” a resident, Halima, told the Times of India.
<


-----------------

Why do women like men?

HOAX!

Balloon trapped in well!


(Someone else made that joke (hoax) up)

AMAZING!!!

Helium filled boy-less balloon floats!!!

World stunned!

(Parents name boy FALCON...WORLD STUNNED!)

A couple of Crazy Jasons, A text conversation with Wifey, maybe a snippet, an RIP for Johnny Fontaine. Or something.

TEXT CONVERSATION WITH WIFEY AND ME:

ME: "Woof!"

WIFEY: "Huh?"

ME: "Hi."

WIFEY: "I'll be home soon."

----------------


CRAZY JASON: "You know that great assassin Sirhan Sirhan?"

ME: "I know of him, yes..."

CRAZY JASON: "He would have made a great Han Solo..."

ME: "Hmmmm."

CRAZY JASON: You know, if he didn't bop future Presidents."

ME: "Thank you."

-----------



---------


------------

ME: "The guy who plays Eric on True Blood came in my store today!"

DAUGHTER: "OH MY GOD! Did you get his autograph? You're lying, aren't you?"

ME: "I'm lying."

---------------

The Pissboy is a man.

So this guy (pissboy) comes into my shop today and loudly proclaims: "EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE I HAVE TO PISS!!"

I just looked at him.

Somehow it's my fault that he has to 'piss'.

(Have I ever told anyone how much I hate the word piss?)

So if EVERY TIME he comes in here he has to piss you'd think that maybe Pissboy would piss at home before he comes down here.

But that would be too simple...instead he needs to proclaim "EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE I HAVE TO PISS!!"

Maybe, just maybe, Pissboy should watch his liquids before he shops. Ya think?

But it's my fault that he has to piss EVERY TIME HE COMES DOWN HERE!!

I don't need to know his piss schedule or what makes him piss or why he needs to piss in my shop.

He's a pisser, plain and simple.

A pissboy.

The super weird part is that he proclaims "EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE I HAVE TO PISS!!" yet he never askes to use my bathroom.

So now I'm thinking about his filled bladder...his huge prostate....his tinkle factory.

He bought a DVD...said DVD had a water theme. Really. In fact it was the largest grossing water themed movie of all-time.

Maybe watching water-themed movies...or even thinking about water-themed movies is the cause of his piss-passion.

But none of us really need to know about it.

Keep your piss needs to yourself. I don't need to know.

And that my friends, is the Saga of the Pissboy.

This certainly explains why the broads are all over me all the time:

THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL:

It ushered in the 1960s sexual revolution and gave women control over their own fertility.
But the Pill may also have changed women's taste in men, according to a study.
Scientists say the hormones in the oral contraceptive suppress a woman's interest in masculine men and make boyish men more attractive. Although the change occurs for just a few days each month, it may have been highly influential since use of the Pill began more than 40 years ago.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1218808/Contraceptive-pill-women-attracted-masculine-men--interested-boyish-looks.html#ixzz0TMQmPBQe

Cousin Saul wrote this, I'm posting it. (Please don't make fun of his dress)

Friends and family,

I would guess that many of you are getting tired of me "talking" about my son, Adam, but this Saturday would have been his 30th birthday. (hard to believe he'd be 30 years old!)

I learned several things from Adam...I learned that I need to love people more. I learned that I shouldn't expect people to behave as I would like them to behave. I learned that I need to overcome my fears and try new things. Adam loved to read and write poetry and although I'm NOT a big poetry fan, I decided to try to write a short poem for his 30th birthday gift. I don't really know if he would have liked my poem, but he would be glad that I tried....Saul Fowley



AIRPORT TIME

While we wait at the West Palm Beach Airport

I watch the people with the summer-colored skin

Eagerly awaiting the arrival of their sons or daughters.

Voyagers from the land of the working.

As the weary travellers disembark from the planes

And excitedly rush into their parents embrace,

I miss you all the more, my son.

I look forward to the day, in the next life,

When we can embrace once again.

Happy birthday Adam.

I love you.

Dad, 10-6-09

Lazy Love and The Snippets

So the other day Wifey leaves before I wake up and puts a note on the counter that says 'I Love You'

Very nice.

When I get home that night I notice said note on her desk in the kitchen.

No big deal...she just hasn't thrown it away yet.

So this morning I stumble into the kitchen before Wifey has left and I notice the same note sitting on the counter 'I Love You'

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "You can't just leave an old 'I Love You' note on the counter."

WIFEY: "Yes I can."

------------

LADY FROM INDIA: "I'm guessing you get a lot of Indians in here."

ME: "Yes...A lot."

-------------

At a restaurant the other night and we have this wannabee sexy waitress that is kinda flirting around. She takes a cloth napkin and she very carefully places it on the upper part of my leg and kinda patting and smoothing it down. Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "Wow...I don't think I can stand up right now."

HER: " Wow..I don't think I can sit down."

(She got a good tip)

-------------

In OLD NAVY:

ME: "Those mannequins are creepy!"

GAL CLERK: "I have to dress them...you should see them naked."

ME: "I wish..."

--------------

A TEXT TO MY OLDEST DAUGHTER:

ME: "Hey."

HER: "Hey."

----------

Top Ten Reasons Dave Letterman slept with his staffers.

10) He's a man.

9) He's a man.

8) He's a man.

7) He's a man.

6) He's a man.

5) He's a man.

4) He's a man.

3) He's a man.

2) He's a man.

And the number one reason David Letterman slept with some of his staff:

1) He's a man.

SNIPPETS: Looped on the Juice Special Edition

BACON ACE: "I didn't name my i-Touch after your wife...I named it after your Mother."

----------

MAN: "Why haven't you ever tried Indian food?"

ME: "I haven't finished trying the other kinds yet."

--------------

GUY: "I can't believe Archie REALLY married Veronica over Betty.

ME: "Archie didn't REALLY do anything."

-----------

GUY: "How much are those Looney Tune glasses?"

ME: "$9.99 each."

GUY: "I don't see any Mickey Mouse ones."

ME: "He ain't a Looney Tune."

GUY: "Are you sure?"

ME: "Yes."

---------------

ME: "That's gross that we both did that."

WIFEY: "Burping isn't gross."

ME: "Yes it is."

WIFEY: "No, it isn't."

ME: "Is."

-----------

ME: "Why do you need my ear buds?"

DAUGHTER: "Mine are broken."

ME: "You mean you chewed on them until they broke."

DAUGHTER: "I didn't chew on them...they just broke from using them too much."

ME: "CHEWER!!"

DAUGHTER: "Loser."

------------

Peace.

My audition reel for the 'in memorium' montage at this years Oscars (or The Tony Awards).

A text conversation with my 19 year old

ME: "I love you more than spaghetti and meatballs."

DAUGHTER: "I love you more than pizza."



(And if that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, nothing will. Except maybe some sand in your eye. Or onions. Or something)

48 seconds of joy.

All the World is a Stage (And Bono is an idiot)

So we go to see U2 last night. In concert. (I had to mention 'in concert' so you didn't think we just hungout with them)

So anyhow....they have a stage like pictured in the photo above.

And we all know that His Majesty, BONO, supports every lame ass cause on the planet : Sheep and whales. Poverty and peace. Drought (he's big on drought) Pollution and global warming.

Amd a big pile of etc. etc.

So where does that leave US?

We have a picture of his stage.

And a list of his 'causes'.

But in doing my research for today's blog (Making up crap) I found out that the stage cost upwards of 40 million dollars (really)

40.

Million Dollars.

For him to stand on and sing his crappy songs. And preach about political prisoners.

40 Million Dollars.

Point of the story?

Instead of spending 40 million dollars on a stupid stage he could have bought 5-10 homes for the very rich.

Maroons.

There is a poll on cnn.com today.

'Would you like to have 3-D TV'

A simple question.

The answer choices are:

Yes

No

------------

63% of the people said no.

NO.

They said NO. They don''t want 3-D TV.

NO.

How can that even be??

Normally when I see a poll online I can usually guess within a few percentage points on how folks will vote.

Except this one.

63% of the people said NO.

To 3-D TV.

NO.

These 63% might be the dumbest people on planet earth.

Brain damaged even.

Crazier than Jason

MENTAL CASE: "I'm a HUGE Maclean Stevenson fan!"

ME: "Cool."

MENTAL CASE: "Except for his role as Colonel Blake."

Cheap Graffiti

Obama calls Kanye West a jackass!

And Kanye West IS a jackass.

But nowhere in the media is it mentioned that it's a racist attack on Mr. West by Obama.

But a congressman screams out "YOU LIE!" at some Obama speech and Jimmy Carter thinks that's racist??

Niggah, please!

(My whole premise is based on the white half of Obama calling Kanye West a jackass)

SO TO SUM UP:

Jimmy Carter is a jackass.

Crazy Jason and Fighting

CRAZY JASON: "You know how people fight with tools or weapons?

ME: "Yeah?"

CRAZY JASON: "Well, they shouldn't use them."

ME: "Why?"

CRAZY JASON: "They should do it the old fashioned way and take it out back!"

ME: "Thank you."

Nobody takes Swayze to the coroner.

(Title is courtesy of my buddy Ed...even though he didn't give me permission to use it)

Adolf Obama (Beating Downfall to death)

Three minutes & fifty seconds and worth staying until the end.

Deep thoughts on the holocaust.

So Hitler and his gang wanted to rid the world of The Jews.

Why did they want to do this?

Well, because they believed The Jews were sub-human.

Which raises the question(s)....why didn't Hitler exterminate all the dogs and cats and sheep and porcupines and stuff?

Dogs ain't human.

History is complex.

Maybe Hitler just didn't get around to it.

Go pat your dog.

Or something.

I don't take the pictures, I just upload 'em.

I think he'd look better with a goatee...or maybe a van dyke.

Oldest person in the world dies

So I'm reading the article about it and it mentions that her parents are dead.

The oldest person's parents are dead.

Shocking.

September 12th. Remember the Alamo. Your keys! Your lunch money! An umbrella!

Today I'm Gonna Party Like It's 1999. Or 2001.

The Q-Tip Paradox

Q-Tips.

We love 'em, we use 'em.

And we buy the Q-Tip brand.

Why?

Because they are far superior to cheap knock-offs or store brands.

Q-Tips.

So what is the Q-Tips paradox, you ask?

Well, every morning I shower and every morning I use a Q-Tip.

And guess what?

There is nothing on the Q-Tip after I use it because I use them every day.

It doesn't feel satisfying when there isn't anything on there.

But it's gross if there is.

Maybe it ain't a paradox at all.

Sometimes a Q-Tip is just a Q-Tip.

Waxy or not.

Fill in the blanks (not really)

So I was driving down the ____ when all of a sudden I see a __________ on the back _____.

Clearly the guy was a ________ or just a ______!

So I flip him the _____ and drive off listening to ______ as I do so.

All of a sudden in my rear________ I can see _____ and his _____.

Thankfully the rest stop is just _____ so I pull_____grab some hash______s and speed off never to see the ______bag again.

Did I mention what his ______plate read?

Typical ______ocrat.

Or _______.

______You.

------------------
SO TO ____ UP:

I ___ nothing.

Today's winner in 'The Dumbest Song Lyric' contest

The Song is: The Battle of New Orleans

The Artist is: Johnny Horton.

And the Lyric is:

'We fired our cannon 'til the barrel melted down.
So we grabbed an alligator and we fought another round.
We filled his head with cannon balls, and powdered his behind
And when we touched the powder off, the gator lost his mind.'

Crazy Jason and Greg

So a friend of mine reads my blog and sees all the Crazy Jason stories I recently posted.

And we start discussing Jason's autism or craziness or whatever it is.

And I tell him that if Jason calls while he's at the store I'll hand the phone to him so he can hear Crazy Jason in action.

He says sure but he doesn't want to use his real name...he decides on 'Greg'.

Two minutes later Crazy Jason calls, I hand the phone to 'Greg'...CJ rants about Dr. Seuss or something and hangs up.


Me and 'Greg' laugh...etc...'Greg' leaves.

------

Phone rings:

CRAZY JASON: "Is Greg there?"

ME: "No...he had to leave."

CRAZY JASON: "Was that Greg Hilderbrant?"

ME: "Nope."

----------

The Flashing Sign keeps balance in the universe.

So last week on the Mass. Pike there was a sign similar to the one pictured.

Except it said something like: 'THANKS TED! From the people of Massachusetts'

(I think Ted Kennedy died or something and that was the tribute to him...a flashing sign on a toll road.)

But anyhow...

So today that same sign was flashing a warning that if you drink and drive you will be arrested.

And I somehow found it fitting that a flashing sign on a toll road will forever have Ted Kennedy related messages.

I wonder what next week's message will be....?

True Story

A guy just came in and sold me a statue.

He told me he needed the money for medicine because he had no health insurance.

I bought the statue.

He reeked of stale cigarette smoke.

If he gave up his filthy smoking habit he could afford health insurance.

We all make choices. He chooses to smoke and not have health care (His smoking habit is bewteen $2500.00-$5000.00 a year...do the math)

I swear the above story is true...it happened about 40 minutes ago.

I'm also guessing he buys lottery tickets and beer. Though I'm just speculating on those two.

Health care is a choice for most people.

Stop telling me to pay for health care for the gentlemen that sold me the statue.

Make sure you recycle! (or something)

Should be back Thursday....with fish.

Or something.