Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Let's see what's happening in Katie's neck of the woods...

Well, today is the big day for Katie Couric and the start of her historic reign on the CBS Evening News. Walter Cronkite and Dan Rather sat in that chair along with that old dude the last couple months. Now it's Katherine's turn.

Here is how Katie will ready herself for the big night and what she'll do in the coming years.

a) She will go cold turkey on the perky pills.

b) She will mainline dour dope into her veins.

c) She will pray for an assassination or natural disaster.

d) She will somehow figure out how to show off her legs (she has great legs!)...maybe walking to her anchor desk...maybe in one of those walking interviews. She'll figure it out.

e) She will practice how to put on and take off her glasses for dramatic effect.

f) She'll toss in a y'all or two. She likes to say y'all.

g) She will practice her giggle for end of news feel good story.

h) She will come up with a tagline...but not this first week. It will have the word America in it.

i) She will utter the phrase "In the proud tradition of Walter Cronkite and Dan Rather" (and I will spit up my milk)

j) Nothing for the letter J

k) She will appear on Letterman often (to show off her legs in a more informal setting)

l) She'll ask the tough questions ( "What's the best way to store blankets in the summer?" and "Is it best to exercise before or after a meal?")

m) She will say stingray and then mention how "terribly sad this is...those poor children" (I will spit milk out when she does so.)

n) She will make America feel good again. For maybe two weeks.

o) She will do a network 'special' on Hillary Clinton (she will make sure both of their legs are showing....making hers look WAY better in comparison)

p) Next Monday she'll remember 9/11 and how it changed ALL of our lives.

And she'll do a bunch of other goofy stuff that'll drive us all nuts.


cake said...

Who's Katie Couric, again?

Anunomess said...

Well, you could always switch to Spanish news. Long haired, chesty woman in tightly knit sweaters, under the age of 23, never pregnant; and perched high on stools behind glass tables.

But who gets their news from TV anymore, anyway.

Lois Lane said...

Do y'all always drink so much milk, or just when newscasters make their debuts?

cake said...

There used to be (and may still be for all I know) a show called Naked News, where gals stripped while talking about the top stories.

I suspect the demographic was mostly male...

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Or the Roller Derby crowd...

cake said...

I'm surprised nobody's come up with strip-roller-derby yet. It seems like a natural fit...

katie couric said...

Mr. IAintNoOprah:

I'm touched by the kindness y'all have shown by dedicating a whole blog to me and my lovely legs.

As a token of my gratitude, I'd like to offer you a lifetime supply of milk* and cookies.

Thank you for being such a fan.

Love and perkiness,


(*The milk will come in bags because it's more entertaining that way.)

Bemisdown said...

I like aunumess's idea-sort of the same thing they do with Regis and his grandaughter Kelly.
Optimum Leg Exposure Nightly News.

Bemisdown said...

And by the way Nooprah,

Since when do you get to "call" the days?