Monday, September 25, 2006

Vagina (snicker)

Because you demanded it!

Today's blog will be about vagina.

So I'm reading the October issue of ESSENCE magazine and it has this article on the vagina and how to care for it (snicker)

One part of the article mentions that you shouldn't sleep in your underwear...that you should let you vagina breath. I'm in my 40s and I never knew women breathed out of their vaginas. Thank God they don't talk out of them.

I wish I could breath out of my penis. I also wish I could talk out of my penis.

But anyhow...back to vagina.

In the article it also mentions that a woman shouldn't douche because it also kills off the good bacteria and that the vagina is self cleaning.

I wish my car was self cleaning.

I also wish I could talk out of my penis.

45 comments:

motheragawd said...

You do talk out of your penis.

(snicker. I said "your penis")

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Today's blog is about vagina. Not penis. Please limit comments to vagina.

Thank you,
The Management

bacon ace said...

Okay you vagina I'll bring it back on topic ;-)

I think most adult women sleep clothed if not in their underwear specifically. Conversely most adult men sleep in the nude. Who knows why? So according to the article our penises are breathing?

mrs. bacon ace said...

you might not be able to talk out of you penis, but sure do talk out of your ass a lot.

mrs. bacon ace said...

you might not be able to talk out of your penis, but you sure do talk out of your ass a lot.

mrs. bacon ace said...

posted twice, by accident. double burn!

mrs. bacon ace said...

posted twice, by accident. double burn!

bacon ace said...

"but sure do talk out of your ass a lot."

Yeah, didn't se that coming ;-)

Anonymous said...

Whole lotta ass on this message board today... whatever happened to the admonition from Margaret Cho's mother -- "First, table of contents. THEN ass."

It's even more hard to believe that nobody has brought up this classic of the talking genitalia oeuvre...

http://imdb.com/title/tt0075830/

Speaking of vagina -- and indeed, who wasn't? -- Eve Ensler's latest effort, "The Treatment," leaves something to be desired.

Loved "The Vagina Monologues," didn't see "The Good Body," want my money back for "The Treatment."

-- Lamont Cranston

Sparkle Plenty said...

1) If you could talk out of your penis, what would the voice be like? A) Roger Rabbit; B) Barry White; C) Rodney Dangerfield; D) Ed McMahon; E) Scooby-Doo; F) Marcel Marceau; G) _____________.

2) So, about this "breathing thingy." Is it possible to have vaginal asthma, and, if so, is that a valid excuse to get out of gym class?

3) SELF-CLEANING? What are we talkin' about? An Amana radar range?

4) What the huh huh? Are you sure you're not Oprah? Because, and I quote, "Essence is the magazine for today's Black women. Edited for career-minded, sophisticated and independent achievers, Essence's editorial is dedicated to helping its readers attain their maximum potential in various lifestyles and roles." I didn't think "middle-aged white dude" was one of the various lifestyles and roles they had in mind? But...whatevah. This probably has something to do with the teal tankini thingy.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I just read whatever magazine is on the top.

(Wifey's Mom has a beauty shop and we end up getting hundreds of magazines every month for free)

Bemisdown said...

Ha Sparkle! Great Investigative work!


As an aside, imagine all of the great stufF you could name if you got to use the word "vagina?"

Vagina Crunch Cereal
Vagina Lip Gloss (now THAT'S a little tacky, isn't it?)
Vagina Appreciation Week
I could go on forever, which is pretty much my signal to stop before someone yells at me.

bacon ace said...

Gummy Vaginas?

Sparkle Plenty said...

Yeeeeeessss...wiiiifey's moooother's beauuuuuty shoooooop. Thaaaat's whyyyy youuuuu're reaaaaading Essssssence.

(Hee hee, Bemisdown! Thanks!)

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Crap. Now I can't get Sugar Frosted Vaginas out of my mind...

Sparkle Plenty said...

I'm working with product names, famous quotes, plants, and state slogans.

Vagina Helper
Yes, Vagina: There is a Tampax Clause
Vagina Creeper
"Vagina is for Lovers"

One can never be afraid to work blue.

Anonymous said...

missouri - the "show me vagina" state

I Ain't No Oprah said...

New Mexico- the Land of Enchanted Vaginas

bacon ace said...

Philadelphia; The City of Brotherly Vaginas?!?!?!

Bemisdown said...

I'd respect anyone who attended Vagina University-especially if they played on the "Vagina Vikings" football team.

Bemisdown said...

How about a romantic getaway to the warm Vagina Islands?

bostongraf said...

NoOprah -
I can't figure out why you are trying to get Sugar Frosted Vagina's out of your mind. Sounds like a rather pleasant afternoon in your brain!

Mr Bacon Ace -
Gummy Vaginas. Best one yet. They would sell like hot cakes.

Bemis -
I'm off to Missouri...

bacon ace said...

"How about a romantic getaway to the warm Vagina Islands?"

It has been said that "No vagina is an island".

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Yes Vagina, There is A Santa Claus.

janesays said...

Alaska: Beyond your dreams, within your vagina.

janesays said...

Maryland: Vaginas are for crabs.

No wait . . .

I Ain't No Oprah said...

NICE!

Sparkle Plenty said...

Doesn't everyone love that classic Western, "The Vaginian"? Talk about yer bonanzas in the big valley...

bacon ace said...

"4) What the huh huh? Are you sure you're not Oprah? Because, and I quote, "Essence is the magazine for today's Black women."

Okay this is the first time I've heard of Essence Magazine but after your quote there about the magazine being for "today's black Women" (is that the official tagline?), and the article being about vaginal care, does that mean that by extension the article is specifically for the care of a black woman's vagina? If so are there varied care instructions for vaginas of different races?
Hoo boy between the birthing and menstruation now you need a specialist to take care of different vaginas like a mechanic that specializes in foriegn cars and whatnot?
Man what a headache. I'll take my trusty ol' low maintenance penis anyday.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I won't.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Come to think of it....if I could breath out of my penis I think I'd just lay on my back and float around in a pool all day.

bacon ace said...

I think you just invented "penis snorkling"

Sparkle Plenty said...

Taking care of the Bacon Ace heavy artillery is Mrs. Bacon Ace's look-see. BUT: Did you PAY Mr. Bacon Ace to feed you that line? Because it was a beauty...You should pay him.

No foolin', Mr. Bacon Ace: That really is Essence Magazine's editorial "vision statement." Yet, happily, all of us who drive Chrysler Vaginas can go to the same jiffy lube joints regardless of race, creed, religion, or the nefarious whatnot! I guess we should file Noopie in the "whatnot" category--given his Essence reading proclivities. Talk about yer City of Brotherly Vaginas.

Bemisdown said...

Sparkle,

Bet Tom Cruise would turn down an offer to star in the remake.

Nooprah-are you referring to YOUR penis or bacon aces'? Ooops. Sorry. I forgot the Management Rules..."All Day, All Vagina."

Anonymous said...

Nobody has yet noted that Georgia is "The Peach State" and Oregon is "The Beaver State," thereby making any vagina alterations redudant.

Arkansas is "The Natural State," but I'm going to leave that one alone.

Wasn't the first child born in the American colonies Vagina Dare?

Personally, I think there is much more fertile ground to be found in advertising tag lines. Alas, most advertisers have beaten us to it: Can any of you claim that the following (real!) slogans were NOT vagina-inspired?


It takes a lickin’, but it keeps on tickin’.

Just do it.

Let your fingers do the walking.

Look Mom, no cavities!

Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.

Don’t leave home without it.

Where’s the beef?

And, of course:

You’ve come a long way, baby.

-- Lamont Cranston

janesays said...

Adding to Lamont's impressive list:

Gatorade. Is it in you?

Bemisdown said...

Lamont,

You beat us all. You work in advertising, don't you???? Using all that subliminal crap on us. You're a "Vagina Insida..." Admit it.

No pun intended, of course. That's the way we pronounce things here in the Great Fenway Park state.

Bemisdown said...

One last question before I return to an actual life:

Sparkle,

What aisle should I look in for "Vagina Helper?"

Anonymous said...

Bemisdown, it is sold in every aisle at Vagina's 'R Us.

Bemisdown said...

"Vagina China..." Only for those with the most distinctive taste. Available at Macy's.


I'm really really really done now.

cake said...

Oh my god, I'm out of the loop for days and the first blog entry I read is about vaginas.

I'll just have to take a deep breath* and figure out where to go from here.

(*Through my nose.)

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