Tuesday, September 12, 2006

These people put the Phun in Phunerals

There's nothing like a good funeral to put you in a good mood. Even a bad funeral can have great moments. Here are just a few of mine.

1. It's at my sister's funeral in 1989 when Hoagy's Dad walks up to me, gives me a firm dry handshake, and says..."Congratulations!" (And you thought YOU didn't know what to say to folks at a funeral)

2. Bemisdown's Mom (Bemisdown formerly known as the artist...Momenger) died years ago and Bemisdown showed up wearing this painted on forming fitting RED dress showing off every delightful curve of her curvy little body. All the guys in the room couldn't wait for more of her family to die off.

3. Cousin Saul and Fairilyn's son Atom died when he was around 20 years old. Nothing is worse than when a child dies (actually I'm sure there is something, but I digress)...anyhow when someone that young dies you need a big place to hold the services...a traditional Funeral Home just can't handle the crowds. So Saul and Fairilyn used the gym (fieldhouse?) at their daughters school. I'm guessing around 500-600 people showed up at the service. Young people. Lots and lots of teens and 20 somethings. Most of them had those green glow sticks. Singing. Eulogies. Memories. And then something kinda neat happened. Cousin Saul asked if anyone wanted to sign the coffin. They had a large basket filled with colored Sharpies and folks started lining up to sign said coffin. Hundreds of people writing messages on a coffin is just about as cool as it gets...

4. Again at my sister's funeral: When her ex-husband came running in and threw himself on the coffin screaming and sobbing. That was pretty cool.

Any wacky funeral stories in your closet?

25 comments:

Lois Lane said...

My family? Wacky? Oh yeah.

1. At my dad's funeral, my Great Aunt Peggy (and yeah, she was really great), suddenly freaked out and asked my Aunt Pat who that strange man sitting next to her was. It was my Uncle Roy, her husband of 50 years.

2. And at Great Aunt Peggy's funeral, over half of my family waited outside the cemetary for the funeral procession to come by, so they could follow it in...even though they had been told everything was going to be graveside and there would be no procession. We waited inside the cemetary for about 20 minutes for them to show. Finally, Uncle Roy said "Ah, to hell with them," and we carried on with the ceremony.

3. At my husband's Uncle Anibal's wake, one of my mother-in-law's cousins showed up in a bright purple suit only the Joker could pull off. My husband, my brother-in-law and I couldn't stop giggling for the rest of the night.

cake said...

My grandfather died many years back and I was one of the pallbearers...I didn't realize when I asked to be included exactly how heavy coffins are (duh).

I did fine with getting the coffin out of the hearse, into the church, and then back out of the church and into the hearse...but when we got to the cemetery, it had snowed a little and the grass was slippery. I was wearing formal shoes and the grave was at the top of a small slope...I slipped as we approached the open grave and came within *inches* of dropping my end of the coffin into the hole and going in after it.

Picturing what could've happened, I got the worst case of the giggles and sobbed/giggled my way through the whole ceremony. (Granddad would've found it hilarious!)

Grumpy said...

Oh, that cake!

Phil Donahue's Niece said...

I've got nothin'

Anunomess said...

Not sure this is classified in the Phun category, but I am still trying to come up with an intelligent response for when someone comments about the deceased,
"Oh, didn't He/She look so peaceful?"

The "Umm, yeah, I guess that's what you could call it." response is getting a bit stale.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I don't want to look peaceful when I'm dead. I wanna look angry and warlike.

Maybe even an eyebrow raised in a mischievous arch...

motheragawd said...

I have to steal Missy Bemis-D's stories before gets home from a hard day of misinforming our youth. Actually, they may just be my stories. Certainly #1 is:

1.My mother's funeral (the very same "red dress" funeral to which Nono refers): My father takes me aside and implores me to watch out for another one of my sisters (NOT wearing a red dress). "Why?" I ask. "Because her mother just died." Duh.

2.My uncle Bruno passed away leaving not just one, or even two, but three ex-wives and a current contender for the title. Much to the delight of all onlookers (or maybe only me and my sibs), they approach the coffin at the very same time. We're waiting for hisses and elbows in ribs. Instead they all stop, look at each other - and crack up.

3.I'll leave this one for B-D. It involves my grandfather. The Italian one.

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I wish I had an Uncle Bruno.

motheragawd said...

I wish I had a cousin Fairilyn, with a son named Atom. Did they have another child Nucleus? and his sister Proton?

Anunomess said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
cousin saul said...

When I took my son, Atom, (not his real name) to his first funeral, the wife of uncle bill approached Atom and said, "Did you see Uncle Bill? Doesn't he look good?" Well, of course he didn't look good...he looked DEAD! Atom replied, "Well...he looks really clean." Funeral fun!

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I love clean dead people.

Though it would be awesome to see a muddy guy in a casket...

cake said...

It'd be great if that was in someone's Will: "Must be displayed in open casket at wake, covered in mud."

Bemisdown said...

Ok Motheragawd (and I'm sorry to hear your sister's mother died).

I believe you might be referring to the eulogy given by Aunt Jeannet's husband.
(I can't remember his first name, but I'm quite sure he was wearing plaid pants for the occasion).

He ended by saying something like "So Pa, it's not goodbye. It's not farewell. It's arivaderche."

And we all just sort of looked at eachother thinking, no doubt "What an IDIOT!

Bemisdown said...

Of course, there was my father's wake.
(Nooprah & Hoagy dubbed me President of the Dead Parents Club then...I think I still hold the title because I was the first official orphan of the gang).

1. When the family went into the funeral home before the wake, there was an enormous floral arrangement from one of the skankiest, drug infested, biker type bar in our hometown. WE all knew who it was meant for...let's just say we have a large family.

2. Our father's wake was held in the same funeral home where we waked our mother-a very waspy place in one of the waspiest towns in the country. One is expected to maintain a "stiff upper lip" there, regardless of the circumstances.
And then the Italian contingent arrived.
A whole swarm of them at once. And at one point my grandmother, who was your typical 4X4
(4 feet tall, 4 feet wide) walked in, began wailing aloud and started to faint. Suddenly there was this big tussle going on with people trying to catch her, and my Uncle Bruno screaming "Does anyone have a Valium!!!!!"

I'm pretty sure the funeral directors didn't expect such a lowbrow scene.

Anonymous said...

I wish I had an Uncle Bruno.

Bemisdown said...

Not only did I have an Uncle Bruno...he was my Godfather. Beat THAT.

Bemisdown said...

Actually, NOTHING beats Hoagy's dad shaking nooprah's hand at his sister's wake and saying "Congratulations!"

It just doesn't get any better than that.

bacon ace said...

I'm going to a wake Thursday night. I'll keep you all posted incase of shenanigans.

bacon ace said...

" It'd be great if that was in someone's Will: "Must be displayed in open casket at wake, covered in mud."

That gives me an idea, but replace "mud" with "bacon"

Clinky said...

At my Grandmother's funeral, my sister was very irritated that the rabbi talked about how my grandmother was always trying to set my sister up with dates. (I missed that part because I walked in halfway through the ceremony. I had a good excuse, a hurricane had shut down all the east coast airports. Jews have funerals at very short notice.) Later, some creepy guy tried to set my sister up with his brother. After he left we all laughed though.

cousin saul said...

I attended a funeral where my good friend had just lost his two six month old babies. An older lady came up to my friend, grabbed his hand and said,"I know how you feel...I just lost my cat." Crazy old people.....

motheragawd said...

Bemisdown,
Plaid pants guy was Andy. The giggles started at "we're here to celebrate the resurrection...of Pa."

And by the way, I have another sister (real name: Idiot) who has instructed us that we are to celebrate her demise by joining hands and singing "The Morning After" from the (original) Poseiden Adventure. Can't wait for that touching moment.

Anunomess said...

by Maureen McGovern, I believe.

That's more of the useless, last millenium music trivia I can provide for your blogging facts.

I am available for anyones' "Millionaire" lifeline contacts, if interested.

Bemisdown said...

Motheragawd,

I believe she has also said she will provide explicit instructions about what we are to wear.

Good thing she's the youngest!