Nobody takes Swayze to the coroner.

(Title is courtesy of my buddy Ed...even though he didn't give me permission to use it)

Adolf Obama (Beating Downfall to death)

Three minutes & fifty seconds and worth staying until the end.

Deep thoughts on the holocaust.

So Hitler and his gang wanted to rid the world of The Jews.

Why did they want to do this?

Well, because they believed The Jews were sub-human.

Which raises the question(s)....why didn't Hitler exterminate all the dogs and cats and sheep and porcupines and stuff?

Dogs ain't human.

History is complex.

Maybe Hitler just didn't get around to it.

Go pat your dog.

Or something.

I don't take the pictures, I just upload 'em.

I think he'd look better with a goatee...or maybe a van dyke.

Oldest person in the world dies

So I'm reading the article about it and it mentions that her parents are dead.

The oldest person's parents are dead.

Shocking.

September 12th. Remember the Alamo. Your keys! Your lunch money! An umbrella!

Today I'm Gonna Party Like It's 1999. Or 2001.

The Q-Tip Paradox

Q-Tips.

We love 'em, we use 'em.

And we buy the Q-Tip brand.

Why?

Because they are far superior to cheap knock-offs or store brands.

Q-Tips.

So what is the Q-Tips paradox, you ask?

Well, every morning I shower and every morning I use a Q-Tip.

And guess what?

There is nothing on the Q-Tip after I use it because I use them every day.

It doesn't feel satisfying when there isn't anything on there.

But it's gross if there is.

Maybe it ain't a paradox at all.

Sometimes a Q-Tip is just a Q-Tip.

Waxy or not.

Fill in the blanks (not really)

So I was driving down the ____ when all of a sudden I see a __________ on the back _____.

Clearly the guy was a ________ or just a ______!

So I flip him the _____ and drive off listening to ______ as I do so.

All of a sudden in my rear________ I can see _____ and his _____.

Thankfully the rest stop is just _____ so I pull_____grab some hash______s and speed off never to see the ______bag again.

Did I mention what his ______plate read?

Typical ______ocrat.

Or _______.

______You.

------------------
SO TO ____ UP:

I ___ nothing.

Today's winner in 'The Dumbest Song Lyric' contest

The Song is: The Battle of New Orleans

The Artist is: Johnny Horton.

And the Lyric is:

'We fired our cannon 'til the barrel melted down.
So we grabbed an alligator and we fought another round.
We filled his head with cannon balls, and powdered his behind
And when we touched the powder off, the gator lost his mind.'

Crazy Jason and Greg

So a friend of mine reads my blog and sees all the Crazy Jason stories I recently posted.

And we start discussing Jason's autism or craziness or whatever it is.

And I tell him that if Jason calls while he's at the store I'll hand the phone to him so he can hear Crazy Jason in action.

He says sure but he doesn't want to use his real name...he decides on 'Greg'.

Two minutes later Crazy Jason calls, I hand the phone to 'Greg'...CJ rants about Dr. Seuss or something and hangs up.


Me and 'Greg' laugh...etc...'Greg' leaves.

------

Phone rings:

CRAZY JASON: "Is Greg there?"

ME: "No...he had to leave."

CRAZY JASON: "Was that Greg Hilderbrant?"

ME: "Nope."

----------

The Flashing Sign keeps balance in the universe.

So last week on the Mass. Pike there was a sign similar to the one pictured.

Except it said something like: 'THANKS TED! From the people of Massachusetts'

(I think Ted Kennedy died or something and that was the tribute to him...a flashing sign on a toll road.)

But anyhow...

So today that same sign was flashing a warning that if you drink and drive you will be arrested.

And I somehow found it fitting that a flashing sign on a toll road will forever have Ted Kennedy related messages.

I wonder what next week's message will be....?

True Story

A guy just came in and sold me a statue.

He told me he needed the money for medicine because he had no health insurance.

I bought the statue.

He reeked of stale cigarette smoke.

If he gave up his filthy smoking habit he could afford health insurance.

We all make choices. He chooses to smoke and not have health care (His smoking habit is bewteen $2500.00-$5000.00 a year...do the math)

I swear the above story is true...it happened about 40 minutes ago.

I'm also guessing he buys lottery tickets and beer. Though I'm just speculating on those two.

Health care is a choice for most people.

Stop telling me to pay for health care for the gentlemen that sold me the statue.

Make sure you recycle! (or something)

Should be back Thursday....with fish.

Or something.

Literal Beatles

Sgt. Hoagy's Sartorial Hearts Club Band. (Or snippets from BuddyNite))(or something)

WAITRESS: "You're always dressed so sharp...always looking good."

HOAGY: "Thank you."

ME: "HEY!! What about me??"

WAITRESS ::up and downs me...looks at faded jeans, tattered lucky fishing shirt::

------------------

HOAGY: "Is the Blonde joining us tonight?"

ME: "Nope."

HOAGY: "How come?"

ME: "She hates you."

----------------

TEXT MESSAGE FROM WIFEY COMES IN:

ME: "Well, Wifey ain't joining us either."

HOAGY: "How come?"

ME: "She hates you."

-------------

GUY COMES TO TABLE: "Do you have a weed connection?"

ME: "Of course I have a weed connection."

GUY: "Call me."

ME: "Yeah...I'll do that."
-------------

WEED GUYS GAL: "I'm taking some of your fries."

---------------

NOT SO BRIGHT WAITRESS UPON SPOTTING OUR TED KENNEDY 'MEMORIAL' WE SET UP AT TABLE: "Ted died?"

US: "Yup...a few days ago."

-------------------

HOAGY: "See that guy over there? Everywhere I go he's there. If I see him again I'm gonna kill him."

ME: "Maybe he just wants to eat."

HOAGY: "Oh."

-------------

HOSTESS AS WE LEAVE: "Are you boys going out puffin'?

ME: "He might be...I'm gonna have a cigar."

-------------

SO TO SUM UP:

Blondie can pick the place next week if she wants.

God hates fangs but LOVES the pan seared North Atlantic Haddock.

It's a cut.

ME: "See the cut on my arm?"

WIFEY: "That's not a cut."

ME: "What do you mean it's not a cut? It's a cut. A big cut."

WIFEY: "It's not a cut."

ME: "Cut."

WIFEY: "It's a scratch."

ME: "A scratch?? It ain't a scratch...it's a cut!"

WIFEY: "Scratch."

ME: "It's a cut! Look at it."

WIFEY: "How did you get your scratch?"

ME: "I walked into a rack at the store and scraped it."

WIFEY: "Scratched it."

ME: "It's a cut."

R.I.P. TED, R.I.P.

Mary Jo- Ted reunion fails to take place!

Catholics and Democrats SHOCKED!

Oh my god...even MORE from Crazy Jason!

CRAZY JASON: "You know the movie Marathon Man?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "And today is the Boston Marathon?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "Well, I'm the Marathon Man cuz I can go ALL. DAY. LONG."

ME: "Yup."

------------------




------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Who is faster...The Road Runner or Flash and Quicksilver?"

ME: "Let me ask my customers."

CRAZY JASON: "Okay."

ME: "HEY!!! WHO IS FASTER....THE ROAD RUNNER OR THE FLASH?"

MY CUSTOMERS: "THE ROAD RUNNER!"

ME: "The Road Runner."

CRAZY JASON: "Thank you."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: ".....and that's why Superheroes don't eat in the comics."

ME: "Why don't you come down here anymore?"

CRAZY JASON: "Well...last time I was there I had a car accident and the air bags popped out and made a noise like a sonic boom."

ME: "And....?"

CRAZY JASON: "I thought it was just your way of letting me know I wasn't welcome there anymore."

ME: "You're ALWAYS welcome here!"

ME: "During regular store hours, of course."

CRAZY JASON: "Of course."

ME: "Thnak you."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "I lost a bet once."

ME: "For how much?"

CRAZY JASON: "Under a dollar."

ME: "What was the bet?"

CRAZY JASON: "I bet that Dr. J was at my house, but I lost on a technicality."

ME: "Technicality?"

CRAZY JASON: "Yup...it was actually Julius Erving. That's his real name."

ME: "That sucks, huh?"

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know intelligent cowboy movies?

ME: "Huh?"

CRAZY JASON: "Like Unforgiven."

ME: "Yes...?"

CRAZY JASON: "Do you think the horses are just metaphors for something?"

ME: "Such as?"

CRAZY JASON: "Maybe beasts of burden...you know, like The Rolling Stones song."

ME: "Oh...you're right. I never thought of that. Thank you."

------------------

{Crazy Jason has been told he can only call on Thursday}

CRAZY JASON: "I know I'm supposed to call on Thursday but I'm calling you Today.

ME: "Okay."

CRAZY JASON: "Hello Today!"

ME: "That's funny!"

CRAZY JASON: "Thank you, Today!"

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know The Song of Red Sonja?"

ME: "Yes."

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know The Food of Red Sonja?"

ME: "No...what is it?"

CRAZY JASON: "Lasagna."

ME: "Red Sonja likes lasagna?"

CRAZY JASON: "Yes."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "You know that Green Lantern in your window..."

ME: "Yes."

CRAZY JASON: "Well...he's a DC icon."

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "Well I saw a DC girl masturbating in a coffee shop and they're not allowed to do that."

ME: "What coffee shop?"

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Jabba the Hutt?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "Well, I know where his hut is."

ME: "Cool...where?"

CRAZY JASON: "Newton Corner...near the hospital."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Remember when you told me you never met an alien?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "Well I met one once."

ME: "Cool."

CRAZY JASON: "His name is Al. His real name is Alien."

ME: "Thank you."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know the band KISS?"

ME: "I know of them, yes."

CRAZY JASON: "Well...they're not a Satanist band...they're Christian."

ME: "How do you figure?"

CRAZY JASON: "Christmas....KISSmas....see.?

ME: "Thank you."

------------------

I thought for sure I had him beat at his own game.

I didn't.

Here is that conversation:

ME: "Did you know Nick Fury was chinese?"

CRAZY JASON: "How do you figure?"

ME: "Isn't he the Asian of S.H.I.E.L.D.?"

CRAZY JASON: "No...but Beast Wars are democrats...there is no R in beast."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know the Avengers?"

ME: "Yes."

CRAZY JASON: "If they played 'Simon Says'...Wonderman would be Simon."

ME: "Cool."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "You know how Ragnarok is the final conflict?"

ME: "Okay..."

CRAZY JASON: "If I licked my dick would that be the final dong flicked?"

ME: :::laughter:: "Thank you."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Remember how I said I was shaken but not stirred?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "I'm actually stirred."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "I just got my phone bill and it lists all my phone calls."

ME: "Neat."

CRAZY JASON: "The only people I owe money are: A T &T, Verizon, and Whitey Bulger."

ME: "Neat. Thank you."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know that game Dungeons and Dragons?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "If it was my game I'd change it to Heroines and Herpes, because that's what it really is."

ME: "Thank you."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you have Off Track Betting there?"

ME: "No."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "I didn't rob you."

ME: "Great...thanks!"



(Nobody robbed me)

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know why Conan and Rambo have never fought?"

ME: "Because they lived in different times?"

CRAZY: "Nope....it's because they're the same person and you can't fight yourself."

ME: "Thank you."

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Blah blah blah blah blah"

ME: "Okay great! Well, I'll need the phone the rest of the day so no more calls."

CRAZY JASON: "Okay."

20 minutes later:

CRAZY JASON: "Did you mean you need the phone or that you knead the phone?"

------------------

CRAZY JASON: "Remember the movie Home Alone?"

ME: "Yup."

CRAZY JASON: "Well, shop owners like you shouldn't tell people you work alone or they'll come in and rob you."

ME: "I have ten guys working here today."

CRAZY JASON: "Okay."

Even MORE from Crazy Jason

June 18

CRAZY JASON: "You know that comic I just bought?"
ME: "Which one?"
CRAZY JASON: "Wolverine: Ain't No Dog."
ME: Yeah...what about it?"
CRAZY JASON: "Well, technically that's true. Wolverine ain't no dog, he is a cat."



June 21

-Looking at The Monkees 45rpm record in my showcase:
CRAZY JASON: "That's against the law!"
ME: "Why?"
CRAZY JASON: "Unless a real monkey is singing on it then it's copyright infrinngement!"
ME: "Thank you."



June 24

::Showing me the cover of the old Greatest Joker Stories Ever Told that has the Joker holding a smiling fish.::

CRAZY JASON: "When you go to the supermarket you have to pay for fish, right?"
ME: "Correct."
CRAZY JASON: "Then DC had to pay this fish to model for this cover, right?"
ME: "Correct."



June 30

CRAZY JASON: "I'm your best customer, but it's not your fault."
ME: "Thank you."



July 1

CRAZY JASON: "The Hulk is spelled different than Lucky."
ME: "Thank you!"
----------------


CRAZY JASON: ::holding up a copy of Green Arrow/ Black Canary:::
"DC is using Plastic Man when normally they use Elongated Man....they serve the same function."
ME: "Thank you!"



July 2



CRAZY JASON: "You know the AM in The Amazing Spider-Man sounds like H"
ME: "Huh?"
CRAZY JASON: "So it sounds like The Hazing Spider-Man because the villians are always hazing him."
ME: "Great! Thank you.!"



Later on July 2

CRAZY JASON: "Remember when Spider-man had his Spider-Mobile?"
ME: "Yup."
CRAZY JASON: "Remember when he drove it into the Hudson River?"
ME: "Yes...what about it?"
CRAZY JASON: "Well, it was a prophecy because I flooded my car today."
ME: "Thank you!"



Still later on July 2

He just called again:

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know the Sub-Mariner?"
ME: "Yup."
CRAZY JASON: "Did you know he hates swimming pools?"
ME: "I didn't know that. Why does he hate pools?
CRAZY JASON: "The chlorine hurts his gills."
ME: "Thank you."



July 3

CRAZY JASON: "You know at the end of a Warner Brothers cartoon when they say 'That's All Folks'?
ME: "Yes..."
CRAZY JASON: "They're really saying 'That's Asshole, Folks!' ..."
ME: "Thank you."



July 4

CRAZY JASON: "Remember last week when I told you I flushed an ant down the toilet?"
ME: 'Yup.
CRAZY JASON: "Well, I just sent him a life-raft.....a doo-doo life-raft."
ME: "Thank you...have a great 4th of July!"



Again on July 4

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know the Micronauts?"
ME: "I've heard of them, yes."
CRAZY JASON: "Do they tie small knots?"
ME: "I'm not sure...thank you!"



Another July 4

CRAZY JASON: "You know those bricks on the Spider-Man Treasury Edition?"
ME: "What about them?"
CRAZY JASON: "Why aren't they white bricks?"
ME: "I don't know."
CRAZY JASON: "If they were white bricks they would have been made by white people."
ME: "Who makes the red bricks?"
CRAZY JASON: "Native Americans.....or Communists."
ME: "Thank you.



July 5

CRAZY JASON: "I was looking through my Marvel Comics and noticed that there is very little tenant/landlord relationships.

ME: "Really?"
CRAZY JASON: "Yes...though most of the Marvel Universe rents.
ME: "Thank you!."



July 6

So Crazy Jason calls today numerous times and I tell him that I have a huge project today and need the phone lines to get it done and no more calls today.

CRAZY JASON: "Then I'll write a letter!"
ME: "Okay. Thanks!"

Two minutes later phone rings:
CRAZY JASON: "I Wrote the letter B"
ME: "Jason...I told you not to call anymore today."
CRAZY JASON: "I wrote the letter B..."
ME: "Jason...."
CRAZY JASON: "I wrote the letter B I wrote the letter B I wrote the letter B I wrote the letter B I wrote the letter B I wrote the letter B I wrote the letter B...."

ME: "Okay...I gotta go. No more calls."
----------------------------



July 7

CRAZY JASON: "You know the Vision."
ME: "Yup."
CRAZY JASON: "Have you noticed the diamond shaped thing in the CENTER of his head?"
ME: "Yup.
CRAZY JASON: "Does Marvel owe money to Pearl Vison CENTERS for using their trademark?"
ME: "Good question. Thanks!"



July 10

CRAZY JASON: "Today is new arrivals day, right?"
ME: "Yup."
CRAZY JASON: "Is this a maternity ward?"



July 10 again





July 11

CRAZY JASON: "You know how the Thing and the Hulk rarely wear shoes?"
ME: "Yup."
CRAZY JASON: "Well...if they get hurt they have to call the Toe-Truck."
ME: "That's funny."
CRAZY JASON: "Not for me it isn't. My car doesn't work. I have to call the Tow-truck"
ME: "Thank you!"



July 13

CRAZY JASON: "You know Superman's car?"
ME: "Yup, what about it?"
CRAZY JASON: "It's an S car, right?"
ME: "Yup...I guess so."
CRAZY JASON: "Does that escargot?"
ME: "Huh?"
CRAZY JASON: "Does. That. S. Car. Go?"
ME: "Funny."
CRAZY JASON: "I need a new car."
ME: "Thank you!"



July 15

CRAZY JASON: "Superheroes are into free love."
ME: "I did not know that."
CRAZY JASON: "Yup...I was looking at that poster book I bought from you and noticed all the super-heroes run around in their underwear."

ME: "So where does the Free Love come from?"
CRAZY JASON: "Age of Aquarius, Man,.... Age of Aquarius....Free love."
ME: "Thank you."



July 19

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Santa's pet?"
ME: "Santa has a pet?"
CRAZY JASON: "Yes...Rudolph."
ME: "Oh...I didn't know that was his pet."
CRAZY JASON: "Well it is."
ME: "Oh."
CRAZY JASON: "Is Santa's pet related to Rudy Guilianni?"
ME: "I don't know. Thank you!"



July 22

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Swamp Thing?"
ME: "Yes."
CRAZY JASON: "You agree that most of his readers are probably urban, yes?"
ME: "Okay...?"
CRAZY JASON: "And most of Man-Thing's readers are probably rural..."
ME: "Okay...?"
CRAZY JASON: "And I'm not just saying that becuase Swamp Thing is an AIDS reference."
ME: "Thank you!"



July 27

CRAZY JASON: "Do you have A phone or THE phone?"
ME: "A phone."
CRAZY JASON: "Okay, thank you."
ME: "Okay, thank YOU!"



August 3

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know M C Escher?
ME: "I know of him, why?"
CRAZY JASON: "Do you know that picture he did of the puddle with the tire tracks through it?"
ME: "No....but what about it?"
CRAZY JASON: "That EXACT puddle is right in front of my house."
ME: "Cool. Thank you."



August 4

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Galactus?"
ME: "Yup."
CRAZY JASON: "He's a chick."
ME: "How do you figure?"
CRAZY JASON: "He's based on Nancy Sinatra."
ME: "How do you know that?"
CRAZY JASON: "It's just a fact."



Again on August 4

CRAZY JASON: "Are you a people store?"
ME: "People like to shop here...yes."
CRAZY JASON: "Do you sell people there?"
ME: "Nope."
CRAZY JASON: "If you did I'd buy some people."
ME: "Why?"
CRAZY JASON: "I need me some slaves."
ME: Okay...Thanks!"



August 6

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know Columbia Records?"
ME: "Yes."
CRAZY JASON: "I'm gonna inherit them pretty soon."
ME: "Cool."
CRAZY JASON: "But I'm not gonna put any records out."
ME: "Why not?"
CRAZY JASON: "I'm gonna let Time-Warner do that."
ME: "Cool...thanks!."

More from Crazy Jason

CRAZY JASON: "Wonder Woman is black."

ME: "How do you figure?"

CRAZY JASON: "Well, she's an amazon and people from the Amazon region are black. So Wonder Woman is black."

ME: "Okay."

CRAZY JASON: "And so is Batman, Superman, Robin, and the Flash."

ME: "Okay."

CRAZY JASON: "And the silver age Green Lantern."

------


-----

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know where I can get Soylent Green?"

ME: "The book or movie?"

CRAZY JASON: "The real Soylent Green."

ME: "Why do you want real Soylent Green?"

CRAZY JASON: "The food around here just isn't cutting it."

ME: "Ah...protein."

-----



--------



----


-----

World outraged! World sickened!

Yes folks, it's true!

Michelle Obama wearing shorts as she steps off of Air Force One.

First time EVER a first lady has worn shorts on AIR FORCE ONE.

A fashion holocaust.

Never forget.

Never again.

Smart Car

So you'll be driving down the highway and you'll see one of these 'Smart Cars' and your first thought is:

"Wow...there goes someone that really cares about his carbon footprint!"

Actually that's not what you think.

You think:

"Asshole."

Or maybe you think:

"Idiot."

Or possibly:

"Loser."

Democrat sometimes comes to mind.

And then you see another 'Smart Car' tootin' down the road and you once again think:

"Asshole."

I'm not sure why the Smart Car brings out such rage in us.

The folks driving them are doing some good. Care about the Earth. They save some money on gas.

Sounds almost smart, correct?

WRONG! They're assholes!

They don't care about the Earth.

All they care about is that YOU think they care about the Earth.

But they are Assholes in Dumb Cars.

Or possibly idiots or Democrats.

But even if they're not Democrats can we all agree that they're Assholes?

I thought so.

The Beatles pretending they are Tigers Swimming Beside Boat

Tiger swimming beside boat

So let's say you were on a boat and saw a tiger swimming by.

Would that be odd?

Do the large cats actually like to swim?

Or could it be a trained tiger taught to swim?

And why would someone train said tiger to swim?

What is the tiger's name?

Does he have siblings?

Is he swimming far from home or does he live right there next to the river?

Does he eat fish?

Is he happy?

Any battle scars on swimming tiger?

Does he always swim alone?

Can he dive?

Flips?

Can he hold his breath underwater?

For how long?

Does he wear swim trunks or does he swim naked?

Is he aware of time?

Can this particular tiger surf?

Or is he just a fresh water Big Cat?

Has this tiger ever appeared in the National Geographic?

Does he have religious beliefs or is he just spiritual?

These are just some of the questions I have for Tiger Swimming Beside Boat.

Memories

So last night I'm watching this documentary of the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

With them there Atom Bombs.

And they're interviewing a survivor.

She remembers her mother's eyes hanging out of their sockets and peoples skin melting off and children everywhere screaming for water and their Mothers!

The whole city in flames! She vividly recounts every detail of the horror and pain and suffering.

A man carrying his headless child thru the flame engulfed streets of the ravaged city.

She said she'll never forget any of it.

How could she?

It was the atom bomb and it wiped out everything in her life.

She'll never forget.

Ever.

---

Do you remember that episode of Gilligan's Island where the castaways made plates and cups out of plastic explosive they found on the beach?

And then the monkey got a hold of them and started throwing them around and blowing up stuff?

I'll never forget that.

Ever.

TCB

The Eunice Kennedy Wake

Every mourner got a trophy.

---

Why is this funny?

Because Eunice started the Special Olympics.

I still don't get why it's funny?

It's funny because in the Special Olympics every kid gets a trophy or ribbon.

Or something.

Or so us non-retarded people are lead to believe.

I still don't get why making fun of retarded kids at the Eunice Kennedy wake would be funny.

Trust me...it is.

Oh, Friendly's...you've done it again!

So for years FRIENDLY'S has offered the Happy Ending sundae.

And for years dirty-minded folks have laughed at said Happy Ending sundae.

"I'd LOVE a Happy Ending Sundae...but how about Saturday night instead??"

Etc.

And of course people protest and make a big deal about it.

It's harmless and Friendly's doesn't give in.

They still offer Happy Endings.

So today I drive by Friendly's.

On their outside marquee thingy it now reads:

ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME TO FRIBBLE YOURSELF?

---
SO TO SUM UP:

How about Saturday night?

PS:
A fribble is a chocolate milk shake.

Kevin Youkilis: sweaty ugly asshole.

Do you follow the Red Sox?

Do you know this guy?

This is Kevin Youkilis...he plays first base, thrid base, and sometimes left field.

He's real good.

He's also a sweaty ugly asshole.

But but but..."He's on our team!"

So what.

He's a sweaty ugly asshole and if he played for any other team you'd hate his guts.

Because he's a sweaty ugly asshole.

But but but...He hustles and plays great defense! He hits for power and average and in the clutch.

Doesn't matter.

He's a sweaty ugly asshole.

But he's our sweaty ugly asshole.

----

Wifey and her friends call him: '70's Vagina'

I call him sweaty ugly asshole.

What do you call him?

Looking at the Kennedy Family with Rose Kennedy colored glasses

Well...we lost another of The Kennedy Family. Seems Eunice died.

For years we've read about this beautiful, yet tragic family.

Tragic perhaps.

Beautiful?

Not only did Eunice Kennedy start the Special Olympics...

She also gave us the universal hand gesture for CAKE.

Or possibly Hoagy.

Or Cousin Saul.

Or you.

The Inconvenient Truth About My Store Hours

On Sunday my store hours are 12:00-5:00.

Around 5:10 yesterday I closed up shop and did my closing routine.

At 5:15 a guy knocks on my door.

GUY: "Are you open?"

ME: "Nope...we closed at 5:00."

GUY: "Everytime I come here you're closed...it's very inconvenient"

ME: "What's inconvenient?

GUY: "When I come here and you're closed."

ME: "You should come here when we're open."

GUY: "I mean your store hours are inconvenient."

ME: "I have no choice."

GUY: "Hmmmm."

ME: "Mind if I ask you a question?"

GUY: "Sure...go ahead."

ME: "If you know what my store hours are why do you come after I'm closed?"

GUY: "I figure you might me open."

ME: "Anything I can help you with today?"

GUY: "I'm looking for a joke gift for my Dad...do you have any pictures of Gary Cooper?"

ME: "I don't think so...I can put the lights on and check but I'm pretty sure I don't have any."

GUY: "Don't bother...I'll swing by tomorrow afternoon."

ME: "I'm almost postive...I don't have any pictures of Gary Cooper."

GUY: "I'll check tomorrow..."

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TODAY:

GUY: "I'm back...just checking for those Gary Cooper pictures."

ME: "I don't have any."

GUY: "I'll check back..."

NEW FEATURE: 'WORST RHYME OR LYRIC IN A SONG'

'Yeah, my blood’s so mad feels like coagulatin’
I’m sitting here just contemplatin’

Today's observation.

Okay....so you're tooling down the highway when you spot a bunch of folks on motorcycles.

Why is that we KNOW they are all together?

When we're tooling down the same highway and spot a bunch of cars it never even enters our mind that they are all together.

SO TO SUM UP:

Bikers....pack animals.

Car drivers...lone wolf.

TO FURTHER SUM UP:

That ends today's new feature: Today's Observation.

Thank you.

Eunuchs Kennedy in critical condition

Sorry...I forgot all about you.

John Hughes will be taking the rest of the days off.

QUOTES! (as best as I can remember them) n' SNIPPETS

RONALD REAGAN:

"That reporter is comparing me to Hitler. Let me tell you...if I was Hitler that reporter would be the first in the gas chamber."

-------

RONALD REAGAN:

"I met that Michael Jackson today...he's very shy and is totally against drugs."

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ME WHILE WATCHING SOME DANCE SHOW:

"I could do that...except for the splits."

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THE FAMILY:

WIFEY: "My nipples hurt."

ME: "I'll make them feel better later."

DAUGHTER: 'EWWWWW....you guys are gross. I'm leaving."

WIFEY: "Great way of getting rid of kids...just bring up nipples."

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BACON ACE and MARK:

MARK: "Ha! Nice bacon shirt!"

BACON ACE: "That surprises you that a guy with a bacon tattoo would wear a bacon t-shirt?"

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GUY LOOKING AT ITEM INSIDE GLASS SHOWCASE:

GUY: "Can I see that?"

ME: "If you can see through glass."

--------

ME: "I'd like to report these lights as damaged."

REP: "I'll need to know what's wrong with them."

ME: "They're damaged."

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KID: "Is that filled with ooze?"

ME: "No...it's a ball."

KID: "What's it filled with?"

ME: "Super."

KID: "Huh?"

ME: "It's a super ball."

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MOM: "Wow...Robin is hard to find!"

ME: "Not here."

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Welcome back, Squeaky! You've been missed!

Cash for Clunkers

So GOBAMA and his crack team of genius came up with this program designed to get crappy cars off the road and to get folks buying new cars thus saving the US economy.

It seems you trade in your gas-guzzlin' monster for a new car and the dealership destroys your old car, take upwards of $4500.00 of the sticker price of new car, and then the GOVERNMENT reimburses them.

But then the government screwed it all up and ran out of money.

You know...MY money. YOUR money. For a freakin' car dealer.

Why should my money go to a car dealer when Tyrese Gibson buys a new car?

Because the democrats are in charge and they think Tyrese should have my money.

But that really isn't what my rant is about.

My rant is about the name of the program.

Cash for Clunkers.

CASH. For Clunkers.

Come on, People....we can do better than that...

Rubles for RustBuckets?

Okay okay...maybe Cash For Clunkers isn't so bad.

And maybe my rant is really just about GOBAMA taking our money and giving it to car dealers.

How the heck is that fair?

It ain't.

Schmancer.

So I'm driving thru the tollbooth this morning when I spot a sticker on said booth.

It said something like:

WEAR A BALD CAP...FIGHT CANCER.

Hmmmmm....

So I thought about that for a bit.

And little bit longer.

Now I'm no scientist or doctor or anything but I had the cure for cancer pegged as some kinda combination of drugs and natural stuff.

Maybe aspirin cut with lemon juice?

I never would have guessed that wearing a bald cap would rid my body of cancer.

And then I thought some more.

And a bit more.

Do I really want to rid myself of cancer by covering up my beautiful thick head of hair?

I think not.

SO TO SUM UP:

It's better to look good than to feel good.

Or something.

Putin and the Tits

That's a shirtless Vladimir Putin riding that horse.

I've been waiting to use my title since I started this blog.

Thank you, Comrade Putin!

It's time for SNIPPETS!

Watching a movie with Wifey when main character shows up wearing a navy pea coat. Here is the conversation:

ME: "You'd look good in a pea coat."

WIFEY: "I don't have a pea coat."

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A thoughtful mother in the store looking for a gift for her son:

ME: "Anything I can help you with?"

MOTHER: "Do you still have that box of broken toys?"

--------------

Someone on Facebook...I forget who:

"Live every week like it's Shark Week."

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Kid at the store:

KID: "Do you have anything for $6.00 or less?"

ME: "I have thousands and thousands of things for $6.00 or less...take a look around."

KID: "Can you show me?"

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Crazy guy named Jason:

CRAZY JASON: "Do you know how I have a fat belly?"

ME: "Yes."

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At a restaurant/bar with Hoagy:

HOAGY: "I'll have the mixed grill with potatoes and rice."

BARTENDER: "We'll call you Two-Starch Charlie."

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Guy selling me his dead dad's stuff:

ME: "...or you could sell these on ebay."

GUY: "I'm an electrician...I know nothing about the internet and how it works."

ME: "Do you collect anything yourself?"

GUY: "Poetry."

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TELE-WEASEL: "Hi...I'm calling on behalf of Verizon."

ME: "You work for Verizon?"

TELE-WEASEL: "Yes...on their behalf."

ME: "But you don't ACTUALLY work for them, correct?"

TELE-WEASEL: "I do...on their behalf."

ME: "But you don't get a paycheck from Verizon, correct?"

TELE-WEASEL: "No, but..."

ME: "Thank you...have a great day!"

Hoagy the Trendsetter.

So I'm sitting around with my pal Hoagy the other night and we're discussing our time in the Peace Corps when all of a sudden The Hoag switched gears.

Here is that conversation:

HOAGY: "See you later, Alligator!"

ME: "Huh?"

HOAGY: "See you later, Alligator!"

ME: "What are you talking about?"

HOAGY: "I'm gonna make that famous again."

ME: "What are you gonna make famous again?"

HOAGY: The expression "See You Later, Alligator."

ME: "In a while, Asshole."

A dry sense of humor

The picture is a closeup of my clothes dryer at home.

It's a clothes dryer. An appliance used for drying wet clothes.

One of the settings is 'Less Dry'.

Why would I want my clothes less dry? I want them dry. It's why I put them in the DRYER. Is there a group of folks I don't know about that walk around in damp clothes? (probably folks from India...because they leave the friggin' dryer door open!)

Another setting is 'Normal Dry'... which I assume dries your clothes in a normal fashion.

Is there an abnormal method of drying that I'm not aware of?

Maybe Westinghouse has that?

Or something.

And finally we come to 'More Dry'...can something be 'More Dry' than dry? If it's dry...why would you want it more dry?

It's dry!!!

STOP MORE DRYING MY CLOTHES!!! THEY'RE DRY!!

"But you need them MORE dry!!"

SO TO SUM UP:
My dryer is stupid.