Reverse IANO written by The Beatles

PAUL: "Hey, Jude!"

JOHN: "Get Back!"

RINGO: "HELP!!"

GEORGE: "Or SOMETHING."

True Story Theatre

So this midget (dwarf? wee folk?) gal came in the store today.

She had on a plunging neckline showing off her substantial rack.

(The substantial rack has nothing to do with the story)

Here is the conversation.

ME: "Hi, how are you?"

WEE-DAME: "I'm fine, you?"

ME: "Great."

She then looked around the shop for a while.

ME: "Is there anything I can help you find?"

WEE-DAME: "I'm looking for something for my little brother."

---

Poppa

KID IN STORE: "Poppa! Poppa!

SAME KID: "POPPA! POPPA!! POPPA!!"

HIM AGAIN: "POPPA! POPPA!!"

HIS BROTHER: "POPPA!! POPPA!! POPPPA!!!"

ORIGINAL KID: "LOOK, POPPA!!! POPPA, LOOK!!!"

THE BROTHER: "POPPA!!

ORIGINAL KID: "Poppa! Poppa! POPPA!!!"

BROTHER: "Poppa can I? Can I Poppa? Huh? POPPA!!!???"

ORIGINAL KID: "Please Poppa, please?? POPPA!!!??"

ORIGINAL KID: "PLEASE, POPPA? POPPA? POPPA!!!!"

Location, Location, Location.

::PHONE RINGS::

ME: "The Store, may I help you?"

POTENTIAL CUSTOMER: "Where are you located?"

ME: "I'm behind the counter."

POTENTIAL CUSTOMER: "No..I mean where are you?"

ME: "I'm at my store."

POTENTIAL CUSTOMER: "Where is that?"

ME: "blahblahblahADDRESSblahblahblah"

POTENTIAL CUSTOMER: "We can't find it."

Butter Bacon Bread Blanket Bingo!

I was left alone last night.

I had to man up and take care of myself.

I had butter.

I had bacon.

I had bread.

I fell asleep shortly afterwards in a buttery coma.

----

So what's the point with the picture I used?

Well, I was googling for a picture to use and I entered ' butter sleep' and up came this picture.

It had nothing to do with butter or sleep.

But I liked it anyhow.

In the future when I think of butter sleep I will think of her.

And so will you.

Always treat your customers right.

CUSTOMER: "You remember everything."

ME: "Some things, not everything."

CUSTOMER: "Why do you have such a better memory than me?

ME: "My brain is much bigger than yours."

How To Get A Large Tip (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb)

So last night I went to get a haircut.

Here is the conversation after I was seated:

HOT FEMALE HAIR TECHNICIAN: "How would you like your hair done?"

ME: "Just make me look perfect."

HOT FEMALE HAIR TECHNICIAN: "You looked perfect when you walked in!"

------

I was played!!!

We ain't talking about Diane Lane.

So me and Wifey are driving last night (actually it was me doing the driving. Wifey was sitting in the passenger seat)

Here is the conversation:

WIFEY: "You're always in the wrong lane!"

ME: "Always? Always??"

WIFEY: "Yes, always."

ME: "Am I in the wrong lane right now?"

WIFEY: "There is only one lane."

ME: "So what you're saying is I'm NOT in the wrong lane, is that correct?"

WIFEY: "You're the most annoying person ever."

ME: "You are."

WIFEY: "Ask anybody."

ME: "Anybody? ANYBODY??"

WIFEY: "You're so annoying."

ME: "You are."

WIFEY: "You're in the wrong lane."

NEW FEATURE (sure to be a hit for months to come) Michael The Mental Case

MICHAEL THE MENTAL CASE: "What are your hours next week?"

ME: "We will be open our regular hours all week other than Thanksgiving Day...we will be closed on Thanksgiving."

MICHAEL THE MENTAL CASE: "What day of the week is that?"

ME: "I think it's on a Monday this year."

MICHAEL THE MENTAL CASE: "Do you have any Thanos comics?"

How Many Penn State Coaches Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb

Vidi minus I (clever, huh?)

GUY: "Do you know someone that sharpens saws?"

ME: "Sharpens saws?"

GUY: "Yes, do you know someone that sharpens saws?"

ME: "No."

GUY: "You're telling me you don't anybody that sharpens saws??"

ME: "Why on earth would I know someone that sharpens saws?"

GUY: "You're a liar!!"

ME: "What the fuck are you talking about??? If I knew someone that sharpens saws I'd certainly wouldn't lie to you about it."

GUY: "So who sharpens saws?"

ME: "What are you talking about!!??"

GUY: "Someone in Norwood, perhaps?"

ME: "Oh, you mean Bobby."

GUY: "Yes. I knew you knew him."

ME: "Sorry. I forgot he sharpened saws. I thought you were nuts."

GUY: "Not a lot of saw sharpeners anymore."

The Penn State Sex Scandal

First of all what the hell is a 'Nittany'?

And what does a Nittany have to do with lions?

And why are ten year old boys going to Penn State?

Are they genius level savants?

Are they just huge ten year olds that play football??

How does one coax a huge ten year old genius football player into the shower room to have 'soap battles'?

Why do some men want to prey upon young boys when there are tons of hot chicks on campus. Of age!

Have you ever wondered what Andy Rooney would think about the Penn State Sex Scandal?

Or what would Heavy D think?

Maybe Joe Frazier coined the word 'Nittany'.

Maybe Joe Frazier liked lions.

--------

And don't you love the idea that Penn State students went on a rioting rampage after hearing that Paterno got fired and wouldn't coach the game this week?

You know, Joe Paterno,the guy that knew his assistant was raping ten year old boys in the shower room and didn't go to the police.

I love that college students are so bright that they cheer this piece of crap.

He's still in your head, Joe.

Imagine if you could jump?

7:18 pm POWER OUTAGE!

WIFEY: "CRAP! What are we going to do now?"

ME: "I don't know. We could talk."

WIFEY: "About what?"

ME: "I don't know."

WIFEY: ::::silence:::

ME: :::silence:::

Frannie=Keith Richards looking dude. Quasi-homeless.

FRANNIE: "I'd didn't expect you to be open so early."

ME: "So why did you come here so early?"

FRANNIE: "I was hoping you'd be open."

ME: "What if I wasn't?"

FRANNIE: "I'd probably be standing outside."

ME: "Probably?"

The Bloody Tongue

So last night I feel something in my mouth.

I spit in the sink.

Blood.

I spit again.

Blood.

Blood.

Blood.

I show Wifey my tongue.

Not a lot of concern there.

I look in the mirror. I'm Gene Simmons. Blood all over my tongue.

I brush my teeth.

I assume it's nothing.

(Bloody tongue is never nothing)

(Bloody tongue is cancer)

(You know it, I know it)

I go to bed.

I'm thinking about my bloody tongue.

Midnight. Bloody Tongue.

1:30 am.

Bloody.

Tongue.

My mind is racing.

WebMD on the iphone. Google 'Bloody Tongue'.

Could be bacteria. Could be cancer.

I know it's cancer. It has to be.

2:47 am. Tossing turning. Cancer treatments dance thru my head.

Can I live without a tongue?

orb bill ib tawg lige dis?

It's freaking me out.

I get up again. I rinse my mouth. I spit.

It's now 4:38am.

No blood.

NO BLOOD!!

My cancer is gone!!

The blood turned out to be a Brachs Cinnamon Hard Candy I forgot I had around 10:00 last night.

How brushing my teeth didn't get rid of it the first time I have no idea.

Did I forget to brush my tongue?

I usually brush my tongue. With a toothbrush, not a hairbrush

I'll tell you about the hairy tongue another time....

Maybe the best 6 1/2 minutes on the internet.

Susan Sarandon Calls The Pope a Nazi

The Pope Responds:

"Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord."

"Or something."

Occupy Poland

A black guy walks into a bar (and other observations)

Chinese guy tripped on curb.

Latino woman had the wind blow up her skirt (not pleasant)

Latino guy and his son got matching haircuts.

Soviet guy bought a Three Stooges Monopoly game for his son.

African American woman loved Gumby and Pokey.

Small Pakistani man walks funny.

Black guy wearing a Celtics t-shirt

White guy wearing a Green Bay Packers shirt.

Nazi on a loud motorcycle.

Not a good color, LaQuisha.

Indian men talking in loud annoying voices (but in a strange happy manner)

Mexican with his stereo up way too loud.

Pakistani trucker loves him some horn.

All races ignoring car alarm.

Ladies from Central America love their jeans one size too small.

The Dracula Kid

So this kid was in with his Dad a few weeks ago.

He seemed fascinated by Dracula stuff that I have in the shop.

KID: "Daddy! It's Ejacula! Ejacula figure! Daddy...I want Ejacula!! I love Ejacula!"

Jazz isn't music

So I was reading a book the other day and on the back it mentioned other books coming out soon.

One was titled: Jazz Isn't Music

I have no idea what the book is about. Though I'm guessing it's probably about Jazz.

We all want to pretend that we like Jazz.

"Oh, look at me! I like Jazz!"

You don't like Jazz.

You lying to yourself.

Jazz is "cool" so you have to like it.

"Look at me! I'm a hipster! Me and Miles Davis!"

Jazz blows.

Get over it.

Nothing worse than a long instrumental by some New Orleans hack.

Sing you idiot!

"Oh, but Jazz conveys a steaming hot night. A mood. A romance."

Jazz blows.

How many Jazz songs on your i-Pod?

How many Jazz records or CDs do you own?

Last Jazz concert you went to?

Who is #1 on the Jazz charts?

Case closed.

Jazz blows.

So stop pretending. Stop wearing your pork pie hat. Your fancy clothes.

Your Raybans.

Jazz blows.

(Tomorrow we will discuss why The Blues are awesome.)

And the award goes to....LOIS!

You know Lois.

She used to hang out here with us.

Every week she comes into my shop to buy her goodies.

Usually she brings her kids (maniacs)

Her kids (maniacs) are a blast. They amuse me.

And they are very fun to tease.

Lois teases them into submission every week.

The oldest boy is maybe 8 years old. Quiet. Polite. Charming. Smart.

The youngest is nuts. Charming quiet polite and smart. Did I mention nuts?

So anyhow, why does Lois win Mom of The Year once again?

Yesterday she brought the kids in and the five year old was singing the classic AC/DC song Highway to Hell.

And not much more in life is cooler than a Five year old maniac singing Highway to Hell by AC/DC.

::wipes away teardrop::

It's always funnier when they drop the Gs

WIFEY: ::laughter::

ME: "What's so funny?"

WIFEY: "You were whistlin'"

ME: "I wasn't "whistlin'"."

WIFEY: "You were whistlin'!"

ME: "You're off your rocker."

WIFEY: "You were just layin' there whistlin'."

ME: "Why on earth would I be whistlin'?"

WIFEY: "You whistle."

ME: "You're nuts."

Does your cane really help you walk? And other observations and rants.

If you are confined to a wheelchair stop 'running' marathons. Okay?

---

No legs? No skiing.

---

No hands? No painting. If you hold the brush with your teeth your paintings are probably crap. Knock it off. Watch TV.


----

Can't read? Don't ask for a price because you "forgot" your glasses for the 50th time. Okay? There is no shame in not being able to read. Oh, wait...yes there is.

-----

Don't like the way a certain dish is prepared at a restaurant? Order something else. Don't try to switch out the beef for lobster. It comes with carrots not peas. It has garlic in it. Loser.

---

Don't ask for $20 in gas. Fill your tank up unless $20 worth will get you to your death.

----

Don't dig in your purse for exact change. We will make change for you. You're holding things up!!! We hate you!

---

Don't want those paper towels you were thinking of buying? Put them back where you got them from. They don't belong with the produce. I hate you!

----

Honking your horn makes us all in a better mood. Thanks for your contribution. Not really. I hate you. I hate your horn. And your children. Don't get me started on your children.

----

How much is that, you ask? Maybe THE PRICE STICKER WILL GIVE YOU A CLUE!!

----

After you flush my toilet please look back into the bowl. Thank you.

----

Do you flush the toilet at home? I didn't think so.

----
It's an ounce of ink in a rare plastic cartridge. Yeah, that's worth $18.

-----

McRib is Back. We don't want onions or pickles on it. You got that, Ronald McDonald?

Nobody likes your ringtone. Especially at the volume you have it set at.

---

The Circle of Life.

Every day we are all reminded of death.

This past week has been tough.

First off is a man who changed the world. Steve Jobs. Dead in his 50s.

Too soon.

Then a few days later a man named Al Davis. A pioneer in football. He owned the Oakland Raiders and helped shape the NFL into the powerhouse it is today.

Maybe not too soon, but still sad.

And then today I open up my news.

There it was.

Dead in a hotel room.

40 years old.

A guy who played bass for Weezer from 1998-2001.

I'll never forget that guy who plaed bass for Weezer from 1998-2001.

Too sad. Too soon. Too bassy.

New feature: Manly Man or Not So Manly Man

GUY: "Could you put aside that Baywatch Barbie KEN doll for me?"

ME: "Why am I not surprised by this request?"

GUY: "The one with the jet ski."

ME: "Okay."

RIP HITLER JOBS

Elvis died also.

Our Newest Feature: Steve Jobs Jokes

Q: How can we view Steve's body in the coffin?

A: Slide to unlock.

------

"I applied at Apple but they said they have no Jobs left."

-------

I blame Obama for the lack of Jobs.

-------

I was going to tell 5 Steve Jobs jokes but I decided on only 4s instead.

Could it be for...ATTEMPTED MURDER???

Attempted murder.

It never gets old. Except for when it does.

Attempted Murder

(I might have stolen this joke)

Quasi-Straight Shirt

Bobble Head Confusion

LITTLE BROWN GIRL: "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! It's George Lopez!!"

LARGE BROWN MOM: "No, Honey...that's Ronald Reagan."

Kids say the darndest things.

With an S because Snip it with a Z would be Liza

ME: "Why don't you join me and Wifey on Saturday night?"

KAREN: "Saturday night is date night."

WIFEY: "Come along...we're just roommates."

----------

ME IN MAY: "If the Red Sox don't win the World Series I will cut off my pinky toe."

-----------

ME NOW: "Fuck."

-----------

ON THE CHARLIE SHEEN ROAST: They bleep out the words 'down syndrome' but left in 'retard'.

---------

ME: "If you could kill one person who would it be?"

CUSTOMER: "About five or six people."

---------

BARTENDER: "That's nice that you remember my name."

ME: "Michelle?"

BARTENDER: "No, it's Brittany, but you were close."

--------

HOAGY: "In forty years how did we never come up with the name HOMOGY before?"

-------

PERSON WALKING INTO SHOP: "Do you sell Sony Walkmans?"

ME: "Does anybody?"

(I had heard a Walkman reference earlier in the week so I was ready with this snappy comeback)

------------

ME ON PHONE: "Did you get my urine?"

PERSON ON PHONE: "Yes. Thank you. We will send you a refund next week."

-----------

DOOFUS: "So what did you do with the carcass?"

ME: "It's not a carcass. It's my dog."

----------

ACTUAL PRODUCT:

HAND SANITIZER FOR PEOPLE THAT MIGHT HAVE TOUCHED THEIR GENITALS.

ME: "Do they make it in bigger bottles?"

-------------

New Feature: Things found at the dollar store!

Banana-fana-fo-foey....

One Upping Hoagy

Happy Birthday, Sparkle!

The Lady With The Bulldog

LADY: "Hi...do you have a big snake?"

ME: "No."

Don't BOGO this joint, my friend.

ME: "This hot chick came in the store the other day and started hitting on me."

DAUGHTER: "She was probably just trying to get a discount."

Possibly (I said POSSIBLY) the funniest moment on TV

So Michael J Fox guest starred on the last episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

At one point in the episode Michael proceeds to give Larry a can of Coke.

We all know what happened next...

Motown

It's September 11th and I'm gonna tell you a little story about this September 11th.

Does it tie in to that infamous Sept. 11th ten years ago?

Probably not.

Last week Wifey cut the grass for me. She does that sometimes.

So today it was my turn.

I go out to the garage, get the gas can, all ready to fill up Betsy.

Betsy is missing her gas cap.

Wifey was the one to last use the mower.

Back into the house I storm!

"LUUUUUCY!!! WHERE IS THE GAS CAP!!!???"

So out she comes to retrace her mowing steps.

It seems she filled up the mower on the front yard.

We morphed into Lewis and Clark and searched for the missing gas cap.

After what seemed liked three minutes (It was probably two minutes) she found the missing gas cap..

So all was good.

I filled up the tank and cut the grass in the traditional diagonal pattern.

But my mind was made up.

Wifey was to be put on (dramatic music) MOWER PROBATION!

She would need to do the three step check each time she used the mower.

Gas cap on.

Oil cap on.

Mower washed afterwards.

So I went in in the house and told Wifey that she was now on (dramatic music) MOWER PROBATION!

Here is how Wifey responded:

WIFEY: "Fuck off."

The above picture is on cnn.com today.

The headline for the picture is:

LIBYA FIGHTERS ATTACK GADHAFI STRONGHOLD

The picture shows a guy with a gun in the back of an El Camino.

The stronghold appears to be a piece of unprotected worthless land.

If you can't beat a guy in an El Camino you don't deserve to be a dictator.

And if you don't have an actual stronghold please don't call it a stronghold, okay?

Ten Years Ago: My loss.

Everybody has their story.

Their memories

Their loss.

Here is my loss from that day.

It was a Tuesday. Gorgeous day. Not a cloud in the sky.

I was ready to go to work.

My lunch was in the fridge.

I gathered my stuff up. Paperwork. Wallet.

My keys.

MY KEYS!!

WHERE ARE MY KEYS!!

I have to get to the warehouse!! It's Tuesday!

WHERE ARE MY KEYS!!

I looked around.

After a tense minute or two I found them.

9/11 my loss.

Never forget.

Salt of the Earth

So I'm at a restaurant the other night and I want the salt.

So I reach over to grab the "salt shaker" and it's one of those stupid sea salt ones where you have to grind the salt.

I wanted a salt shaker like the ones pictured above.

You know, a salt shaker.

To put salt on my food.

But this crap pizza place (and don't get me started on the "pizza") thought they were all upscale and provided us with sea salt.

Sea salt that I have to grind and then somehow figure out how to just get on the chicken that was on my "pizza" and not the "pizza" itself.

People just want salt in a regular salt shaker.

We don't want sea salt that needs a grindin'.

I speak for everybody on this matter.

I am the Lorax of salt.

The most basic of things is salt in a conventional shaker. I don't want to think about salt.

Yet I was. Yet I am.

I want Morton brand salt in a see-through salt shaker.

So do you, so does your mother, so does Mel Gibson and Halle Berry.

It's called salt for a reason.

Special Report for Cake

I miss you

This was going to be a post about not watching TV for over thirty hours because of the "hurricane" that caused our power to go out.

I was going to talk about what TV means to me. How it keeps me warm. Happy. Sane.

How it's on even when I ain't watching.

How it's been with me for most of my life.

How I've never gone thirty plus hours without it.

My withdrawal pains.

My shows I missed (True Blood!)

It was going to make you sad.

TV is TV and it should always be on in my house.

And I was going to make all sorts of witty comments on how No TV makes No sense.

And on and on and on.

And then I remembered something.

We went out to eat last night and we watched TV at the bar.

So I basically didn't watch TV the normal amount of time I don't watch TV.

And all is right with the world.

Or something.

Come on, Irene

It's Irene, not Craw

Veni Vidi iPhone

The iPhone.

The most beautiful thing ever made.

I said ever.

It's sleek. It's smooth.

It's Halle Berry wrapped up in more Halle Berry.

It's the iPhone.

It feels good in your hand. In your pocket.

It looks good on the table in a restaurant.

It looks good in your car.

Against your ear.

It's the iPhone.

They could have have called it the Love Phone.

Or the Halle Berry Phone.

So here we have the most beautiful thing in the world and what do most people do with it?

They cover it up with a bulky, lame, ugly case!


Would you cover up Halle Berry with a bulky lame ugly case?

Of course not!

Stop dropping your iPhone and you won't need a case!

It's the iPhone.

The most beautiful thing ever made.

I said EVER.

Because it's summer?

Walk This Way

Over on the right hand side of this blog there is a LINKS section.

See the one named ABBEY ROAD?

Well, basically it's a web cam pointed at the famous crossing made famous by The Beatles on their classic(though not as good as Rubber Soul or Revolver) Abbey Road album.

That webcam shows the Abbey Road crossing 24 hours a day, every day.

And it's become a tourist attraction. And folks tend to walk in the crosswalk and cross kinda like the Beatles did.

Four people will get in the middle of the street, pose all Beatle-ee, and then a friend will snap a picture.

This goes on every few minutes.

Some people do it on their wedding day in wedding attire. Some people dress up like the Beatles.

And every so often someone won't know where they are and they just cross the street in a diagonal fashion outside of the famed Beatle Crosswalk!!

You're at Abbey EFFIN Road!!! Cross the goddamn street (road) like a goddamn BEATLE!!

Crossing in a diagonal fashion IS NOT THE BEATLE WAY!!!

Some guys will cross it all serpentine.

It's Abbey Road. Cross that street (road) with your back straight, arms to your side, a nice wide Beatle gait!!

It's The Beatle Way!

Do I need to mention it's a law?

A Beatle law?

Howard Stern

So I'm in the car the other day listening to The Howard Stern Show on the radio.

Howard does some pretty good interviews and part of his style is to sometimes ask very personal questions. Usually when the person isn't expecting it.

Sometimes those questions are wicked raunchy.

So he's talking to some guy (I forget who it was)

Here is part of the interview:

HOWARD: "So have you ever kissed a man?"

GUY: "NO!"

{Now just before the next question I was pulling up to pay the toll on The Pike}

HOWARD: "Would you ever blow a man?"

TOLL TAKER: "No. And that will be 70 cents."

ME: "That was Howard asking! Not me!"

----
Moral of the Story?

Turn your radio down when paying tolls.

Hungry, Hungry Hitler

Love my Good and Plenty!

The universe always balances out

Yes, the children of Somalia are starving.

But they get to live in swinging bowls.

What do you think Hoag will wear tonight?

a simple thank you.

I'll keep this simple today.

I'd like to thank the disabled veterans.

For the free address labels I get each year.

God Bless America.

The oxen are free.

I have two daughters.

One is 21 years old, the other is 25 years old.

They came over to the house the other night just to hang out.

At one point in the evening Wifey got up to use the bathroom.

Here is what happened next:

ME: (in my whisper voice) "Hey, quick! Hide on your mother!!"

They instantly got up and ran behind the couch in the family room.

I could hear the hushed laughter as they became 4 and 8 again.

---
EPILOGUE:

WIFEY: "Where are the girls?"

ME: "They got a call and had to leave."

Wifey calls it 'dog' when what she really means is dog fur

So I come home last night and give the signal to Wifey to give me a hug.

WIFEY: "No, you have dog all over you!"

ME: "I don't have dog all over me!"

But I take my shirt off anyhow (I still have a t-shirt on...calm down) and throw it on the counter and give the hug signal.

WIFEY: "NO! Now there is dog near the fruit!!"

ME: "No dog near the fruit."

So I take the shirt off the counter and toss it on the kitchen island. I give the hug signal.

WIFEY: "No! Now there is dog near the candle!

----

All the while the actual dog was just sitting on the floor.

A Minute To Win It

So there is this game show on tv called A MINUTE TO WIN IT.

They have different skill type games for the contestants to do in one minute to win money.

The more tasks they complete, the more money they earn.

Usually they team up two people (usually hot sisters with cleavage)

I'm watching the other night. One contestant is doing the skill game of blowing ping pong balls onto a dish (or something equally lame)

The teammate watches and screams encouragement.

Here is what the teammate screamed as the clock ticked down the sixty seconds:

Dr.UnclearOnTheConcept: "Now just take your time!!!"

---

A Minute To Win It.