Tiny Beatles or Big Broad?

This is an ad from a magazine back in 1965. Look carefully. It claims it is a life size poster of the Beatles.

Now either the gal holding the 'life-sized' poster is an Amazonian Princess or the Beatles were just four talented Lilliputians.

Or the ad was just lying.

(I like the Rolling Stones better than the tiny Beatles)

The Saga of Weasel and Spud

Let me start by telling you who Weasel and Spud are.

For those of you that have been reading this blog for a while you'll remember Weasel as the driver of the car during the Great Bowling Shoe giveaway of 1975. He is also the older brother of Spud.

Spud who recently started reading and posting on this blog is Weasel's younger brother. Spud is also known for talking with the police while hanging with Hoagy.

I'm going to try my best to remember the facts of The Saga of Weasel and Spud but I'm sure I'll mess up some of the particulars. Too bad. I'm doing my best.

I think it was the summer of 1975 when Spud and Weasel's Dad offered them a job at the cement and brick company he worked for. It involved getting up wicked early, working their asses off, and basically giving up a summer of fun with me and Hoag.

Their job was to stack bricks. Lots of bricks. Mountains of bricks. The bricks were in huge piles in this vacant lot and they were supposed to neatly stack said bricks on pallets in a I think groups of 500 bricks. For each pallet they did, they would get $5.00. At the end of the week they would tell the foreman how many pallets they stacked and then get paid.

"I did 17 pallets"

"I did 19 pallets this week"

And on and on throughout the summer.

Well, Spud and Weasel were living large that summer. Cigarettes by the carton, new clothes, stereos, and junk food galore. Cash like they never had before.

Me and Hoag rested at the pool.

We barely saw them...they got up early...worked hard....and crashed early at night because of exhaustion.

Me and Hoag rested by the pool.

Every week. Covered in dust. Exhausted they worked.

Me and Hoag rested by the pool.

And then the summer came to a close and their foreman went out to the brickyard to inspect their work and discovered that Weasel and Spud didn't stack any bricks. They sat around all stinkin' summer smoking cigarettes, drinkin' Hawaiian Punch, and driving their Dad's Mustang around the brickyard and reporting each week that they stacked numerous pallets of bricks.

30 years later I'm pretty sure they're both still grounded.

Health Care

I'm self-employed. I choose to pay for my own health insurance and it costs me $14,000.00 a year for me, Wifey, and two kids.

Now over the course of said year we might go to the doctor or hospital a few times a year and maybe burn up say $2000.00 a year in actual services. So at end of the year I show a net loss of roughly $12,000.00 a year on health care.

Still awake?

What I'm hoping for is someone in my family (not me) gets some wicked rare illness...maybe a year long coma....some long term treatable cancer....you know...something that will cost a TON of money that my health care will cover.

Just ONCE I want to be ahead of them by a hundred grand or two.

I love TV!

I watched the new Ted Danson sitcom last night.

And liked it. I might in fact be a special needs person (retard)

Sunday night I watched about 10 minutes of some crappy new Sally Field 'drama'...I liked it better when she was a nun and could fly. Or when she was a teenager and could surf.

I also watched that new show called Studio 60 with Matthew Perry. I didn't actually watch it with Matthew Perry...he just starred in it. It's pretty darn good. So far.

Have you watched any new shows? What should I be watching?

I love TV!

She probably doesn't do windows anyhow...

A girl came in my store the other day and asked for a job application...here is how the conversation went:

GIRL THAT JUST DOESN'T GET IT: "Hi...could I have a job application"

ME: "Hi...I'm not looking to hire anyone right now...thank you though"

GIRL THAT JUST DOESN'T GET IT: "I just want to fill out an application"

ME: "I'm not looking to hire anyone...thank you"

GIRL THAT JUST DOESN'T GET IT: "But could you just put my application on file?"

ME: "I'm just a small operation I don't really keep applications on file and don't plan on hiring anyone for the next 5 years or so"

GIRL THAT JUST DOESN'T GET IT: "Could I fill one out anyhow just in case you change your mind?"

ME: "The only way we'll be hiring anyone is if I die of cancer"

GIRL THAT JUST DOESN'T GET IT: "Could I leave my name and number just in case?"

ME: "Sure"

Girl fills out name and phone number, thanks me and then leaves. I carefully place name and phone number in my application file.

So if I should die of cancer make sure you go to the town landfill and sift through all the papers and get her number and hire her. She's a go-getter.

Vagina (snicker)

Because you demanded it!

Today's blog will be about vagina.

So I'm reading the October issue of ESSENCE magazine and it has this article on the vagina and how to care for it (snicker)

One part of the article mentions that you shouldn't sleep in your underwear...that you should let you vagina breath. I'm in my 40s and I never knew women breathed out of their vaginas. Thank God they don't talk out of them.

I wish I could breath out of my penis. I also wish I could talk out of my penis.

But anyhow...back to vagina.

In the article it also mentions that a woman shouldn't douche because it also kills off the good bacteria and that the vagina is self cleaning.

I wish my car was self cleaning.

I also wish I could talk out of my penis.

The man who shouted 'tequila' in hit song dies

That's what the headline said in the news today.

Not his name. Not his bands name. Not the name of the song.

He is now and forever known as the man who shouted 'tequila' in a hit song.

I never shouted tequila.

Will my obit read:
'Man who never shouted tequila died.'

TEQUILA!!

Not now it won't.

Bin Laden dead? NoOprah Down?

I'm not sure on either.

It's the way Hoagy rolls.

Normally on Buddy Night I pick up Hoagy and I do the driving. He does the drinking.

Last night it would have been WAY out of my way to pick him up so I told him to meet me at the chosen restaurant. I also reminded him that he might not want to drink if he was going to drive home.

At 7:30 (the meeting time) Hoag showed up in a Black Stretch Limo.

A $300.00 for 5 hours Black Stretch Limo. For buddy night.

Thank God I have the word douchebag in my arsenal.

They love to urinate for me

So I get home late last night from my volunteer work at the Children's Hospital(I loved when they did Honky Tonk Woman) and there is a note on the counter informing me that "the dog hasn't peed or pooped all day long"

So I take 'the dog' (the best and smallest dog EVER) out to the garage to 'pee and poop' and she lets out this enormous amount of urine. Now why she didn't do that before I got home I have no idea.

What is it about me that makes broads want to urinate?

Cuz it happens often.

I think it's good for the gander...or something.

Years ago while moving some furniture I hurt my back and fell to the floor in pain.

I kept trying to get up but I couldn't.
I just kept falling back on the floor.

Wifey just watched me and laughed and laughed.

And laughed.

This week Wifey got a bad dose of Poison Ivy...

Why Democrats are smart.

Because they had Abraham Lincoln.

Why Democrats are stupid

Massachusetts is probably in the top ten as far as racist states go.

Do we all agree with that?

We do? Good...cuz it's true. You know it. I know it.

So what are the Democrats going to do today? They're probably going to nominate Deval Patrick (a black guy) as their candidate for Governor. The Dems will LOVE nominating a black guy cuz it'll make them feel all mushy and gooey inside....showing how liberal and caring they are when in fact they know nothing about him. They're gonna nominate him ONLY because he's black. And what will happen when a black guy tries to run for governor in racist Massachusetts?

He'll lose to the Republicans.

And only because he's black.

And that my friends is why the Democrats are stupid. (Though some of their women are kinda hot)

I think the Republicans are gonna run a woman. Probably a white woman. She could probably lose ten pounds.

Muslims ticked at Pope.

Blah Blah Blah. And in the story is the following sentence:

"Islam forbids drinking alcohol and requires non-Muslims to pay a head tax to safeguard their lives if conquered by Muslims. They are exempt if they convert to Islam"

Well guess what? I aint payin' no head tax.

JFK's Sister dies!

Patricia (Patsy) Kennedy (Sister of JFK, RFK, and the fat guy) was found dead at her home. The early reports suggest she died from complications from drinking too much ammonia or something.

Oliver Stone says this finally proves that Oswald did not act alone.

Barack Obama

What is a Barack Obama you ask? A Barack Obama is a senator from Illinois who the Democrats are going to go ga-ga over in 2008.

His middle name is Hussein.

Barack Hussein Obama.

Throw a Bin-Laden on the end of that and every liberal in the country will have a wet dream.

Barack Hussein Obama bin-Laden.

"Yeah...let's vote for him! It'll show how open-minded we all are"

And of course the Republicans will trounce him and his terrorist band of Taliban loving kind.

(I know nothing about Barack Hussein Obama bin-Laden except for what I read in Men's Vogue....he looks good in a two button sport coat and slip on crushed leather Cole Haans)

The Magazine Swap

Since the dawn of Buddy Nights way back in the early 1980s the tradition of the magazine swap formed.

Hoag gives me his magazines....I give him mine.

He usually gives me GQ (it figures), Esquire, Details (it figures), maybe Road and Track, Mens Adventure (it figures), and once in a while some animal related magazine. For the most part pretty good reading.

Over the years I'd give him New York, Stuff, Premiere, Entertainment Weekly, Maxim, National Geographic and so forth. All pretty good stuff.

Last night Hoag gave me something called Male Vogue.

And that will never happen again.

PS
Last night Theresa tried to give me her copy of Newsweek but it gave me the same feeling as eating fried dough while spinning out of control on a Tilt-A-Whirl on a hot humid day.

The Vomit Hall Of Fame

I have three nominees I'd like to submit.

1. I'm not much of drinker and never have been (uh-oh)...well this one night Waldo somehow got me to have a shot of Peppermint Schnapps (uh-oh) and another. And another. And then we went over to Kareens house and I drank a pint(?) or more of the same. Have you ever drank Peppermint Schnapps? It's like 60 proof liquid candy. So anyhow while on the way home and trying to impress the woman I was with I said "Could you please pull over for a second" That 'second' turned into about 20 minutes of me vomiting all over the streets of SmallTown USA. Did I impress that woman? You bet. She married me. (even just a smell of Peppermint Schnapps 26 years later makes me hurl)

2. I decided I'd have a 'special father/daughter day' with my youngest when she was about 6 years old. I took her to this old amusement park (uh-oh) called Whalom Park. Wooded roller coasters, Tilt-a-Whirls (uh-oh), the Octopus (uh-oh), fried dough (uh-oh), numerous hot-dogs (uh-oh), and sweltering humidity (uh-oh)...needless to say I'm feeling a bit queasy and don't really feel like going on any more rides when Youngest points to these lame swings that go around in a slow gentle circle....but they're way up high (uh-oh)...so we get on and the more it goes around the more I know its bye-bye fried dough, see ya later Mr. Oscar Meyer and family. So I signal to the ride operator to STOP THE RIDE! (I think I yelled "STOP THE RIDE") and he did.

I staggered off the ride and told Youngest to follow me to the bathroom.....and then the most massive explosion of vomit ever flew from my mouth...must have gone 10 yards! It put the PRO in Projectile Vomiting. And Youngest just started laughing and laughing at me. She still laughs at me. Vomit is always funny.

3. Though not as good as the above, me and Waldo were once at Rocky Point Park in Rhode Island trying to impress two girls with our skills at riding carnival rides....after what seemed like an hour of being spun and hurled through space we got off and both ran to the mens room to...you know....wash our hands and comb our hair. Did we impress the girls? I sure did. I married one of them.

Moral of the story?

Chicks no matter how old just love vomit. Or me vomiting. Or maybe just my wife and daughter love vomit.

Do you have any vomit stories worthy of the Hall of Fame?

I love being married to the insane.

So I'm getting ready to go to bed last night when this conversation happens:

CrazyInsaneWife: "You know...you look like Walter Matthau"

ME: "WHAT????"

CrazyInsaneWife: "I didn't mean that in a bad way"

The conversation pretty much ended there because I realized I was talking to a totally insane non-rational person. There is no way to tell a man he looks like Walter Matthau in a 'good way'.

It's like me telling the ugliest woman on earth "You know Whoopi...you kinda look like Hillary Clinton"

WHOOPI: "What????!!!!!"

Moral of the story:

Never tell a man he looks like Walter Matthau and never tell a woman she looks like Hillary Clinton. Not even in a good way. There is no good way.

PS:
I look nothing like Walter Matthau. Or Hillary Clinton.

PSS:
Or Whoopi Goldberg

These people put the Phun in Phunerals

There's nothing like a good funeral to put you in a good mood. Even a bad funeral can have great moments. Here are just a few of mine.

1. It's at my sister's funeral in 1989 when Hoagy's Dad walks up to me, gives me a firm dry handshake, and says..."Congratulations!" (And you thought YOU didn't know what to say to folks at a funeral)

2. Bemisdown's Mom (Bemisdown formerly known as the artist...Momenger) died years ago and Bemisdown showed up wearing this painted on forming fitting RED dress showing off every delightful curve of her curvy little body. All the guys in the room couldn't wait for more of her family to die off.

3. Cousin Saul and Fairilyn's son Atom died when he was around 20 years old. Nothing is worse than when a child dies (actually I'm sure there is something, but I digress)...anyhow when someone that young dies you need a big place to hold the services...a traditional Funeral Home just can't handle the crowds. So Saul and Fairilyn used the gym (fieldhouse?) at their daughters school. I'm guessing around 500-600 people showed up at the service. Young people. Lots and lots of teens and 20 somethings. Most of them had those green glow sticks. Singing. Eulogies. Memories. And then something kinda neat happened. Cousin Saul asked if anyone wanted to sign the coffin. They had a large basket filled with colored Sharpies and folks started lining up to sign said coffin. Hundreds of people writing messages on a coffin is just about as cool as it gets...

4. Again at my sister's funeral: When her ex-husband came running in and threw himself on the coffin screaming and sobbing. That was pretty cool.

Any wacky funeral stories in your closet?

Things are always sadder when they are divisible by 5.

Hearing from Howard Stern that the US was under attack and instantly believing him.

Trying to contact my wife and not being able to.

Clinky in New York and getting his 'man on the street' updates.

Calling Sparkle and persuading her to get home where it was safer.

Hoagy stuck in London. Hoagy stuck in Canada.

Neighbors stuck in Texas.

Getting home and hugging my wife and kids.

American flags everywhere.

CNN. CNN. CNN.


Where were you?

At least it wasn't about Pearl Harbor, Lincoln, or Kennedy

Seems a few people got upset at yesterday's blog.

I never knew Bob Dylan was so popular.

A truly horrific 5th anniversary is almost upon us.

The screams.

I'll never forget the screams of horror that gorgeous September 11th day. How such a terrible thing could be thrust upon the world is beyond me. Sometimes I wake at night thinking of how bad that sucked. One of the worst things ever. Just thinking of it makes me ill...makes me mad.

People woke up that gorgeous 2001 morning and had no idea what they were in for.

September 11, 2001. The day Bob Dylan released his Love and Theft album.

The horror.

The horror.

I'll never forget. I also do my best to keep it from happening again.

God Bless America...except for Bob Dylan.

Not claw...craw!

This has been stuck in my craw for years now. I must vent.

Every year or so Burger King or McDonalds will have a .99 cents Big Mac special or a .99 cents Whopper special and then in small letters will have the disclaimer: PRICES MAY VARY

Dear Douchebags,

Guess what?

If it's a .99 cent special the price CANNOT vary. I hope you die.

I know ,I know...you're professional drivers on a closed course...

Losers.

Katie needs a sign-off

Every network newsperson always has a special 'sign-off.' Remember Dan Rather and his sign-off of "Courage." Sometimes something simple from someone I forget..."Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow" Or Mork when he was doing the news..."na-news, na-news" and on and on...

Well, Katie Couric doesn't have a sign-off yet and has asked viewers to send in their ideas.

Last night she ended with "And dats da news, Niggaz!"

Mel Gibson sent in tonight's sign-off "No Jews is good news!"

That Mexican dude from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre sent in the classic "News? News? We don't need no stinking news!"

I can't wait for tomorrow...any ideas?

The I AINT NO OPRAH Quiz

Let's see how close you've been paying attention:

THE I AINT NO OPRAH FIRST ANNUAL QUIZ AND CLAMBAKE

The best Hoagy based blog was:

a) The switchblade comb story
b) The bloody Kotex story
c) Grooving in the handicapped seats story.
d) Donating all his time to the children's burn ward story

The poster who just posts too damn much:
a) Mr. Cake
b) Devil's Cake
c) Cake
d) Ms Cake

The poster who is usually strung out on puppy dope:
a) Momenger
b) Bemisdown
c) Anunomess
d)MotherofGawd
e) all of the above

I AINT NO OPRAH's Favorite subject:
a) Hitler
b) Hoagy
c) Mel Gibson
d) Douchebags
e) retards

My favorite daughter:
a) My oldest
b) My youngest
c) Somebody else's.

Favorite poster from New Zealand:
a) Sparkle Plenty
b) Lois Lane
c) The Gal from New Zealand

Winner of the first deadpool:
a) PwDonz
b) Ann
c) Cousin Saul

Loser of the first deadpool:
a) Steve Irwin

Least likely to attend a Star Trek Convention:
a)Phil Donahue's Niece
b) Steve Irwin

Did Momenger become:
a) StuckWithGiantBreasts
b) BushMakesHerSick
c) Bemisdown

Big word award should go to:
a) Sparkle Plenty
b) Sparkle Plenty
c) Sparkle Plenty
d)MotherofGawd
e) Some other douchebag retard.

John Kerry is a:
a) douchebag
b) retard
c) The junior yet esteemed Senator from Massachusetts.
d) Baby killin' loser.

Who is the King of the Non-sequitur

a) Clinky
b) Aquaman
c) Gazongalicious
d) Paul from Montreal
e) A & D

Who has the sexiest eyes:
a) Lois Lane
b) Cake
c) I aint no Oprah

Who is neither Roger or a Shrubber
a) Roger the Shrubber

Who most needs to do a real daily thought provoking blog:
a) Anunomess
b) Hoagy (his stupid Comb blog just isn't cutting it)

Who needs to post more:
a) T
b) Cousin Saul
c) Paul
d) Frank
e) Steve
f) Forry
g) My wife
h) One of my kids
i) But just my favorite
j) Bruce
k)More Jews
l) More Republicans
m) All you douchebag retarded lurkers.

Part Two will be a surprise quiz coming soon.

Let's see what's happening in Katie's neck of the woods...

Well, today is the big day for Katie Couric and the start of her historic reign on the CBS Evening News. Walter Cronkite and Dan Rather sat in that chair along with that old dude the last couple months. Now it's Katherine's turn.

Here is how Katie will ready herself for the big night and what she'll do in the coming years.

a) She will go cold turkey on the perky pills.

b) She will mainline dour dope into her veins.

c) She will pray for an assassination or natural disaster.

d) She will somehow figure out how to show off her legs (she has great legs!)...maybe walking to her anchor desk...maybe in one of those walking interviews. She'll figure it out.

e) She will practice how to put on and take off her glasses for dramatic effect.

f) She'll toss in a y'all or two. She likes to say y'all.

g) She will practice her giggle for end of news feel good story.

h) She will come up with a tagline...but not this first week. It will have the word America in it.

i) She will utter the phrase "In the proud tradition of Walter Cronkite and Dan Rather" (and I will spit up my milk)

j) Nothing for the letter J

k) She will appear on Letterman often (to show off her legs in a more informal setting)

l) She'll ask the tough questions ( "What's the best way to store blankets in the summer?" and "Is it best to exercise before or after a meal?")

m) She will say stingray and then mention how "terribly sad this is...those poor children" (I will spit milk out when she does so.)

n) She will make America feel good again. For maybe two weeks.

o) She will do a network 'special' on Hillary Clinton (she will make sure both of their legs are showing....making hers look WAY better in comparison)

p) Next Monday she'll remember 9/11 and how it changed ALL of our lives.

And she'll do a bunch of other goofy stuff that'll drive us all nuts.

A swift and strong response

George W. Bush has sworn to apply a swift and strong response to North Korea (or Iran) for the untimely death of Steve 'Crocodile Hunter'Irwin.

Bush also stated that America will not bow down from the killing of any of our reptile hunters. America will not be held hostage to this kind of terrorist activity.

From now to eternity this day will be known as 9/4.

Godspeed Croc Hunter!

Hurricane Katrina: About a year later.

With this being roughly the first anniversary of Hurricane Katrina (or 8/29 as it more commonly known as) I thought it time to reveal a few things that me and the Bush Administration know.

The levee in New Orleans was sabotaged by either the North Koreans or maybe the Iranians just before the twister hit. The aftermath resulted in the death of dozens of people, hundreds of dogs, a few cats, and damages in the thousands and thousands of dollars.

Justice will be served ::winkwink::.

Don't Stop Thinkin' About Tomorrow

There is a good chance that Hillary Clinton will be the next Democratic candidate for the Presidency (because of the Left Wing Conspiracy) and us Republicans are salivating at the thought. Two things can happen....she'll get trounced by the Republicans, or even better....she'll win and then we can make fun of her for 4 years.

If she wins we can look forward to:

1. The first set of cankles (thats where the ankle and calf are hard to distinguish from one another) in the White House since Taft.

2. Bill Clinton as First ::snicker:: Lady

3. The new china pattern picked out by Bill for The White House dining room.

4. Bill Clinton's first White House tea....maybe some of those little watercress finger sandwiches would be nice.

5. Hillary's official portrait hanging in the 'ugly wing' next to the Abe Lincoln and Jimmy Carter ones.

6. Hillary getting caught with her lesbian intern in the Oval Office.

7. Bill getting caught with Hillary's lesbian intern in the Oval Office.

8. Bill giving a tour of the White House at Christmas time to Katie Couric...showing off all the hand made ornaments and crap...saying things like "Isn't this snowman just adorable"

9. Hillary freakin' out when the ghost of Vince Foster pays her a nighttime visit.

10. Land scandals.

I'm tingly just thinkin about it! Win or lose I win.