I guess they have some contest or something where you tell a lie and the best lie wins.
Had I entered my lie I would have won.
I told this to my kids a few years ago (all you need to know is that I own a minature long haired daschund that is tiny...and she has bad legs and a bad back)
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ME: "OH MY GOD!! You should have seen what the puppy did this morning!"
KIDS: "What!?"
ME: "Somehow she got up on the counter, took two pieces of bread out, popped them in the toaster....and then buttered both of them!....it was amazing! She must have watched us all these years and figured out how to do it."
KIDS: "That's so cool!"
ME: "I know!...don't tell your mother she was on the counter"
KIDS: "Okay!"
ME: "Thanks."
KIDS: "Did the puppy really do that?"
ME: "You gals aren't too bright, are you?"
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So tell me a lie...
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42 comments:
This is the best blog post ever!
Lois doesn't win.
Anything.
Ever!
You are Oprah.
(Your daughters still like to tell that story, too: "Remember the time we pretended we believed the puppy made toast?" "Yeah, dad still thinks we bought that." "Don't tell him the truth, okay? It'd be like telling a kid there's no Santa. His little face would fall. It'd be awful.")
I told my younger sister that Kidney beans were made from real kidneys, they had a machine that stamped out the shape of the bean from the kidney.
She wouldn't eat chili for almost 2 years...My mom was pissed.
We wrote all the Led Zep songs...well, the good ones anyhow.
Sarah: That is diabolically brilliant. Can she eat chili now? When I was really young, my older sister told me, "Big pinches hurt more than little pinches." So, in the heat of our battles, I gave her all these giant, painless pinches. As I writhed in agony from her tiny ouchy pinches, she'd occasionally say, "Ow. Ooh. That smarts. Gosh. Quit it" and I felt bad for being such a meanie. That is what it is to be a little sister. A not-so-bright little sister.
We wrote all the Beatles songs...well, the good ones anyhow. The good, kinda gay ones that we were too tough to sing.
Sparkle: She does eat chili now, although I am told that she still eyes it warily.
I also once was "helping" my mom clean fish, but really I was trying to dig the eye ball out of the fish. It took me a long time to get it out, mostly because my mom was wondering what was taking me so long. When I had finally taken the fish...I mean sea kittens eye out with a spoon I proceeded to fling it into my sisters hair.
I was kind of a brat...
I'm on a diet.
I'm deathly afraid of kittens.
I think the Toronto Maple Leafs are awesome, the Yankees don't smell at all funny, and tennis is great fun to watch on tv.
I secretly think books are really dumb and would really rather never read another one in my whole life.
Also, this is my last comment of the day.
I think the Habs won last night!
I think Sarah's right!
I think Sarah Palin's hot.
Hoag once told me that he hopped freight trains to Canada.
Really.
He was lying.
Melts in your mouth not in your hands.
I own more pairs of shoes than Hoagy does.
Bacon Ace is not all strung out on chocolate-covered espresso bean "goofballs."
I am not "jinxing" Cake.
Not jinx!
I never, ever laugh at jinxes.
I am the truth.
Patrick McGoohan is still alive.
I am David'z RantZ.
I'm not at all sad about McGoohan's death.
The person who signed in as me (the second time) really was me, and I can tell because I didn't f**k up the upper-case "Z" on the end of "David'Z."
I loved Patrick McGoohan in The Man From Atlantis.
I believed a man could swim.
I also loved him in Dirty Dancing.
I beleived a man could dirty dance.
I actually wrote all the Beatles, Stones, and Led Zeppelin tunes.
I'm not dying of The Bad Cancer.
I loved Mr. McGoohan... the way his vision was so poor, so he was always having these narrow escapes from all sorts of catastrophes...
At least we gave him Liberty....
David'ZZZZZ RantZ and IANO tried to kill me so they could blog about me. Bastards.
Good god! They'll be after me next! To my Ready Room! Engage! Engage!
I am definitely David'Z RantZ now. Oh, yes. Ohhhhh, yes I am.
And I'm not, so ignore my sign-in!
And yes, whenever you see "Orson'Z RantZ," it definitely means that a f**king cat is writing these things!
And David'Z really, like, this flaming queen! That's what it means when a single guy owns a cat.
McGoohan was a saint...
I'm not Cake.
None of these comments are getting lame at all...
Lame probably isn't IANO himself.
IANO himself isn't at all lame.
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