My cousin's friends Mom heard about this...

If you take the first two Lord of the Rings books and the Led Zepplin song Misty Mountain Hop, and then read every fifth word starting from the back you'll actually be reading the second Harry Potter book except for like 12 words.

Really.

What creative genius named these things?

1. The White House

2. Waterfall

3. Orange (the fruit...I mean they weren't even trying when they named this)

4. Jump rope

5. The Band

6. Shorts (some super clever genius decided to name long shorts Capri Pants...I hate him even more)

7. New York ("Hey...this reminds me of York")

8. Underarm (not. even. trying.)

9. Campfire.

10. Basketball.

These are some of the LEAST looked up words in the dictionary.

Others?

6. Outer space

They've kidnapped the Adolf Hitler/Drew Barrymore baby!

It's wicked easy to publish a woman's magazine...

...just make sure you have at least five of these articles in it.

1. Thin thighs in thirty days!

2. Abs,abs,abs!

3. Twenty five cute Christmas craft ideas!

4. How to excite your man....in the bedroom!

5. Twelve easy to make dinners...for $3.00!

6. Atkins or South Beach? The facts.

7. The G-spot...fact or fiction?

8. Lose 20 pounds in two weeks watching TV

9. Hitler: still alive?

10. What men really talk about.

Others?

Dumb as a can of mud.

In between my middleweight boxing career and my part time lumberjack job I sometimes watch a talent show thingy called American Idol. On it is this wonderfully talented and beautiful girl named Kellie Pickler...she has everything, stunning looks, great skin, nice voice,fantastic body.....but alas, no brain. This broad is downright stupid. Possibly dumber than these guys:

1. Homer Simpson

2. Gilligan

3. Maxwell Smart

4. Jethro Bodine

5. Cpl. Agarn

6. Gomer Pyle

7.Woody Boyd

8. Sgt. Schultz

Who else is she as dumb as?

Thought Provoking Quotes

1. Heeeeeeeey!..................(The Fonz)

2. Hey Hey Hey!...............(Fat Albert)

3. hey HEY hey...............(Rerun from Whats Happening)

4. Yo!..................................(Rocky)

5. Yeah Yeah Yeah...........(The Beatles)

6. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.......(Curly Howard)

7. Nothing for #7..............(Hitler)

8. What?............................(Vinnie Barbarino)

9. UT!.................................(Flaming Carrot, pictured above saying something else)

10. One giant leap for women, one huge step for men.....(Neil Armstrong)

What is your Buck Naked?

Remember that episode of Seinfeld when George revealed his 'porno' name was Buck Naked?

Well, today we're gonna do something similar, though we're gonna use the rules that high school students use. Wicked old game that usually cracks me up.

You're gonna use the name of your first (or favorite) pet and the name of the street you lived on when you had said pet.

Example: Rover Chestnut (notice the sidesplitting humor?)

Just don't make up fake ones to trounce the panel.

Here's mine:
Dundee Meadow (My wife's is Brandie Pleasant)

Your turn.

EXTRA! EXTRA! Read ALL About The New Commandments!

1. Thou shall not pull up to a McDonalds drive-thru window with a mini-van filled with screaming kids with no idea what they want to order and make me wait.

2. Thou shall not pull up to the drive thru window at my bank and try to apply for a car loan or mortage...go inside you loser so I can get on with my life.

3. Thou shall enjoy the McDonalds hot apple pies because they are the best food in the world and they are 2 for a buck.

4. Thou shall use your freakin' turn signals when you...you know, turn. Loser.

5. Thou shall work Hitler into fake list of Commandments

6. Mou shall get back to work because it's busy.

The DaVinci Cold..............(and the cure)

1. Stop.

2. Kissing.

3. DaVinci.

This is the one where we morph rock and country stars into candy bars and stuff for no real reason.

1. Allman Joy

2. Alice Goobers

3. KinksKat bar

4. Ted Nougat

5. Dick Clark Five bar

6. O'Henry Rollins bar

7. Mike and Ike (&Tina Turner)

8. Caramel, Stills, Nuts, and Young

9. $100,000 Grand Funk Railroad bar

10. Kris KitKatofferson bar (thats wicked hard to say)

And that's what we're doing today...Hello?? Hello?? Anyone there??

Crap I Just Don't Believe

1. I don't believe in hydroplaning (I mean come on now, a 5000 pound car travelling on a film of water....yeah maybe if Jesus was driving said car)

2. I don't believe Jesus walked on water (unless of course he was driving the Flinstones car and he was hydroplaning or something)

3. ADD (your kid is just a screw-up)

4. Black ice (slippery invisible ice...sure.)

5. Anything a car dealer says.

6. Anything a cell phone provider says.

7. That I smoked cigarettes all those years when it clearly warned me it could screw up my pregnancy.

8. That Moses parted the Red Sea (Do I look stupid?)

9. That I'm still milking the nothing for number such and such gag even though it's not funny.

10. The whole 'thin thighs in thirty days' thing that is on the cover of EVERY woman's magazine.

11. A woman when she says she has less than 10 pairs of shoes

12. That alcoholism is a disease (you just like drinking, dontcha?)

1. Start a blog

2. In the profile section put a picture of just your smoldering dark eyes.

3. Toss in a witty Hitlerism

4. Pretend that you're actually listening to what they're saying (chicks love that!)

5. Open a door or pull out a chair for them once in a while.

6. And thats about it.

Follow those precise instructions and the ladies are yours!

Terrible Gift Ideas

1. Anything from the Dirt Devil® family of fine products.

2. Slim Fast gift basket

3. Framed picture of Grandpa Munster

4. Anything from Hickory Farms and or processed meat in general.

5. Handmade crap.

6. Handwritten gift certificate for doing chores.

7. The Dirty Dozen and The Great Escape directors cut DVD's (unless they're for me)

8. Renewing a magazine subscription

9. And of course...Nazi soap-on-the-rope

Anything else?

If Walt Disney Had Made Porn Instead of Family Films

1. Steamboat Willie

2. Beauty & the Beast

3. Lady & the Tramp

4. 101 Dalmatians (Walt, you sick bastard!)

5. The Love Bug

6. Herbie Rides Again

7. Sleeping Beauty (Walt, you sick bastard!)

8. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

9. Bambi

10. The Sword in the Stone

11. The Rescuers Down Under

12. Pete's Dragon

...and on it on it could go.

Today's Rejected Blog Ideas

1. Hitler at Riverdale High

2. Al Cappuccino and other celebrity Starbucks treats

3. Find a trusted auto mechanic to babysit your newborn.

4. Republican High School Teachers

5. John Kerry's tips on how to work the drive thru window.

6. Good Cell Phone Plans (two year agreement must be in place, roaming charges apply, nights and days are extra, limited availability,thirty dollars per text message, not available in North America, do not try this at home)

7. Why we love Bill Pullman! (or is that Bill Paxton?)

8. My ten favorite Andie McDowell movies....ummmm...I mean two favorite.

9. Nothing for #9

10. Garfunkel's genius.

11. Why women like to be told they look good with the added weight.

Horrific Headlines

Just scanning a newspapers headlines and you know right off the bat that the story is gonna be horrible. Certain words or phrases are just NEVER in feel good stories.

1. Torso (always a horrible story if this word is in the headline)

2. Ex-Catholic Priest

3. Single engine plane (They just don't put that in the headline if the story is good...they just don't)

4. Shallow grave. (never, ever good)

5. Margot Kidder

6. Ceasefire (that usually means they'll start even more shooting in about an hour )

7. Mine shaft.

8. Machete

9. Dr. Menegele

10. West Virginia

11. Ebola

You get the idea. So for today's fun we can do one of two things: Either think up other words that AIN'T good in a headline, or use these in a headline sentence that would be a feel good story. Remember...headlines, not the story.

Cows Singin' HEY JUDE Would be Cool

If you're like me you've often wonder what it would be like if cows could sing...here they are singin' a bit of Hey Jude by the Beatles (I didn't make this up...there is an english-to-cow translator on the web for some reason)

HEY JUDE:

Hey, Joode, doon't make it bad.
Take a sad soong moond make it better.
Remember too let her intoo moor heart.
Then moo can start too make it better.
Hey, Joode, doon't be afraid.
Yoooo were made too goo oooot moond get her.
The minoote moo let hermoonder moor skin.
Then moo begin too make it better. Moo! Moo.

and it goes on and on.

Any other good songs for the english-to-cow translator?

St. Patrick's Day Candy O' Junk Food

If you're like me you think of all things Irish and especially what their candy and junk food must be like:

1. O' Mallo Cup

2. Reeses Corned Beef Cup.

3. Baby O'Reilly bar

4. Pop shamRocks

5. Bit O' O'Honey

6. Potato Joy bar

7. Nothing for #7

8. Peppermint Paddy

9. ButterFamine bar

People That Love Proverbs Shouldn't Throw Glass Horses

If you're like me you think a lot about proverbs (and Hitler) and how tons of them barely make any sense. Joining two of them together doesn't really make them any less important.

1. It takes two to let sleeping dogs lie.

2. A penny saved is worth two in the bush.

3. A rolling stone saves nine.

4. Don't cut off your chickens to move mountains.

5. Spare the rod, call the kettle black.

6. A friend in need is 1/2 dozen of another.

7. Old habits die by bread alone.

8. An apple a day is the devil you don't know.

9. A woman's place makes Jack a dull boy.

10. Nothing for #10 is a penny earned.

11. Robbing Peter...and I'll scratch yours.

So many more...

The Three Stooges Tackle The Classics

If you're like me you probably spend a lot of time wondering just how great it would have been if the Three Stooges wrote the classics....here's a few that I'm dying to read.

1. To Kill A MoeKingbird

2. Of Mice and Moe

3. Moby DeRita

4. Shemp Family Robinson

5. The Curly in the Rye

6. Adventures of Huckleberry Fine

7. Dr. Howard & Mister Fine

8. I don't remember the one for #8

9. The Adventures of Moeco Polo

10. The Larry of Monte Cristo

11. The Hunchback of Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk

I'm sure there are others...

Elvis Gets All Mobbed Up

If you're like me you probably spend a good portion of the day wondering what things would have been like had Elvis been part of the Mafia. How would the songs and movies have been different?

1. King Calzone

2. Got A Lot O' Dyin' To Do

3. That's All Right Mama Leone

4. Blue Suede Cement Shoes

5. Do The Clam Sauce!

6. Their Way

7. Lawdy Miss Gotti

8. I can't think of anything for #8

9. Rock-A-Goomba-Baby

10. Polk Salad Vinnie

11. Hard Headed Gambino

12. Can't Help Falling In Love With This Bolognese Sauce

13. All Shook Up (Cuz Joey Fist Paid Me A Visit)

Anything else?

The Island of Dr. Moroeauprah

If you're like me, you spend a lot of time thinking of morphing celebrities into animals...well, since we can't do that online maybe we'll just morph their names and stuff.

1. Jennifer Antelopez

2. Camel Gibson

3. Rhinoah Wylie

4. ManaMR.T

5. Penguin Stefani

6. I can't think of anything for #6.

7. Anacondaleeza Rice

8. Fernando Llamas

9. Alicia Donkeys

10. Hall & Goates

and extra bonus points for having TWO celebrities inside one animal...

11. Clint Eastwoodchucknorris

Whatcha got?

James Bond Girls That Didn't Quite Make It.

Over the years the James Bond GIrls have had some classic if not inspired names: Plenty O'Toole, Mary Goodnight, Holly Goodhead, and of course Pussy Galore.

Here's some that just kinda sucked and were rejected:

1. Eileen Wennadrink

2. Ida Kindadum

3. Kenya Riley Seymour

4. Milky Whitethighs

5. Eclipse Couponz

6. Anita Moorepie

7. Gorgeous Fawn Budder

8. Wanda Pazmedagravy

9. Lotta Cellulite

10. Plenty O'Drool

I'm sure there is more...

Today's Guest Lesson Is Brought To You By Alan Smithee...in Latin

Enwhay onderingway atwhay otay utpay inway away ogblay ustjay owthray itway inway ethay oodgay oldway ashionedfay igpay atinlay anslatortray. Owthray inway away ewfay oodgay ordsway andway amesnay ikelay itchwhorebay andway Onday Ottsknay andway ethay unfay eginsbay.

Aybemay evenway owthray inway away ewfay umbersnay ithway upidstay oviemay asesphray ikelay esethay.

1. Ongomay ikelay Eriffshay Artbay.
2. Iway ancay eatway iftyfay eggsway.
3. Owhay areway osethay uysgay?
4. Othingnay orfay umbernay ourfay.

Eesay? Atthay asway unfay.
Ownay owthray inway away amousfay amenay orway omethingsay.

ABBAWAY. Ickmay Aggerjay. Adolfway Itlerhay.

Andway ofway oursecay ethay oldingscay orfay oserslay owhay usedway away onlineway igpay atinlay anslatortray.

This Dude Creeps Us All Out

Yet we still kinda love him. Why is that?

Adding A Penis To A Movie Can Sometimes Be Fun

Especially One Word Movie Titles:

1. Bound Penis

2. Big Penis

3. Penis Cocoon

4. Penis Cocktail

5. Yanks Penis

6. Taps Penis

7. Penis Tribute

8. Unbreakable Penis

9. Penis Topper

10. Penis Clerks

11. Alien Penis

12. Penis Stripes

13. the Firm Penis

14. Penis Help!

15. the Shining Penis

16. Rocky Penis

17. Penis Shaft

(my game...I can use the two the articles)

Uncle Adolf Joins The Rolling Stones

And here are the new dance mixes:

1. Honky Tonk Hitler

2. Little Red Goosestepper

3. Mother's Little Himmler

4. It's Only Goebbles & Goring (But I Like It)

5. Beast of Berlin

6. Braun Sugar

7. Salt of The Scorched Earth Policy

8. Have You Seen Your Fuerher, Baby (Standing in the Bunker)

9. Hermann Shuffle

10. Let's Spend The Kristallnacht Together

11. Memo From Rommel

12. Goring to a Go-Go

If BrokeBack Mountain wins the Academy Award

Here is how they'll say it in foreign languages:

1. Brak Achterberg (Dutch)

2. Brach Zuruck Berg (German)

3. Ha Rotto Indieto La Montagna (Italian)

4. Rompio DeTras La Montana (Spanish)

5. La Homo de Cowboyz on der Mount (fake made up NOOPRAH language)

And just in case the Academy decides to give the Oscar to the 1965 Elvis Presley classic: TICKLE ME here is how they'll say that in foreign languages,

6. Agrade me (Portuguese)

7. Tickle Mich (German)

8. Solle Tichilo (Italian)

9. Cosquilleeme (Spanish)

10. Un caress ez vous moi nips en firme buttocks' (Fake made up NOOPRAH language)

Actual Products I Just Made Up That Are Gonna Make Me Rich!!

1. Glass baseball bats.

2. Three inch garden hoses

3. Bottomless shoes

4. Magnetic cheese (open up the fridge and little slices are just hanging on the side)

5. Cordless extension cords

6. Honey Toasted Hitler's (breakfast cereal)

7. Three-way glass

8. Spray-On Bald Spots

9. Powdered wine (just add water)

10. Nothing for #10

11. A line of BrokeBack lingerie for the ladies

12. The Catholic Abortion Clinic

My Oscar Picks

And here they are:

1. Oscar Madison (Best Friend of Felix Unger)

2. Oscar Wilde (Best Playwright of stuff I've never seen)

3. Oscar the Grouch (Best grouchy puppet thing that 'lives' in a trash can)

4. Oscar Gamble (Best 1970's ballplayer witha gigantic afro)

5. Brokeback Mountain (Best Gay Cowboy Movie)

6. Oscar Mayer (Best Weiner)

7. Oscar the dog from the Liberty Meadows comic strip (Best weiner dog...my weiner dog was just happy to be nominated...or scratched on the belly or something)

8. Oscar de La Renta (Best designer of clothes I would never wear)

9. Oscar de la Hoya (Best boxer)

10. Oscar Shindler (Best list maker)

11. Oscar Goldman (Best head of Bionics divison, OSI)

Fast FoodsThat Sound Dirty

These are all actual menu items:

1. The Whopper *giant penis* (Burger King)

2. The Big Mac *giant penis with special sauce* (McDonalds)

3. Pigs in a Blanket *lesbian whores at an orgy* (IHOP)

4. Taco Supreme *giant vagina* (Taco Bell)

5. Jumbo Jack w/Cheese *masturbating,ejaculating* (Jack in theBox)

6. Breast/thigh combo *Normal, well adjusted male fetish...right??* (KFC)

7. The Big Gulp *freaky oral fixation* (7-11)

8. Happy Ending Sundae *ejaculating on ice cream* (Friendly's)

...and now we're coming up to the part with Denny's menu items. All real and not even trying to be subliminal.

9. Grand Slam *hard aggressive sex* (Denny's)

10. All American Slam *hard aggressive American sex* (Denny's)

11. Lumberback Slam *hard aggressive throw her against a redwood tree and have your way with her sex* (Denny's)

and I swear I'm not making this next one up....check their menu!

12. Moons over My Hammy's *clearly some weird anal sex thingy* (Denny's)

Please add any REAL ones you've seen or see. I'm guessing it's everywhere. And please, if you're ever at Denny's with one of my daughters and they order a Lumberjack Slam make them get something else.

If Osama Bin Laden Was With The Beatles

Think of the songs!

1. Death to America!

2. Death to Bush!

3. Death to America and Bush!

4. Death to America, Bush, and his Dad.

5. Death to Bush's dog!

6. Death to American dogs (and cats)

7. Death Death Death

8. Death to Infidels.

9. Death to Infidelity!

10. Death to High Fidelity!

11. Death to Bush once again!

12. Death.

13. Rocky Raccoon

14. Death to Rocky Raccoon.