Thursday, March 16, 2006

Horrific Headlines



Just scanning a newspapers headlines and you know right off the bat that the story is gonna be horrible. Certain words or phrases are just NEVER in feel good stories.

1. Torso (always a horrible story if this word is in the headline)

2. Ex-Catholic Priest

3. Single engine plane (They just don't put that in the headline if the story is good...they just don't)

4. Shallow grave. (never, ever good)

5. Margot Kidder

6. Ceasefire (that usually means they'll start even more shooting in about an hour )

7. Mine shaft.

8. Machete

9. Dr. Menegele

10. West Virginia

11. Ebola

You get the idea. So for today's fun we can do one of two things: Either think up other words that AIN'T good in a headline, or use these in a headline sentence that would be a feel good story. Remember...headlines, not the story.

16 comments:

John Snotty said...

"Margot Kidder's Baby Rescued from Mine Shaft by ex-Catholic Priest" -- the feel-good story of the year

cake said...

- severed limb
- Brangelina
- overdose
- leak
- spill
- waterfowl/birds
- jumping the shark

cake said...

Although there is a good news story in there, too:

Brangelina's Severed Limbs Stop Leak, Save Waterfowl

Lois Lane said...

Brangelina Adopts Newest Child: Ebola Pitt Jolie

Margot Kidder Declares Ceasefire on West Virgina

Praise the AbFlex: Ex-Catholic Priest Wins Best Torso Award

Anonymous said...

Any headline with Kennedy in it.

Sparkle Plenty said...

Co-ed (they're always getting into hideous hijinks)
Mob
Boarding house (never read a happy story involving one)
Wilderness (if it's a nice nature story, it's a "forest,"; when somebody's lost, it's "The Wilderness")
Gang (it's never about Spanky)
Collapse
Toxic
Amok
Dismembered
Hapless commuter
Lost
Hijacked

Sparkle Plenty said...

A Very Special Series by Wolf Blitz'em

Margot Kidder Rises from Shallow Grave in West Virginia Mineshaft, Becomes Walking Deity

Dr. Menegele Worships Margot Kidder's Torso, Cures Ebola by Synthesizing Rare Extract from Machete

Inspired by Menegele, Ex-Catholic Priest Gives Combatants a Single Engine Plane--Permanent Ceasefire Breaks Out

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Those are mighty big headlines Sparkle...

I Ain't No Oprah said...

Did I say headlines or headlights??

cake said...

I have to disagree, Sparkle, there's nothing bad about this headline:

Cute Gangs of Fluffy Bunnies run Amok in Wilderness

Phil Donahue's Niece said...

Jessica Simpson's Torso creates Ceasefire in West Virginia


Other words that makes a nasty headline:

-Paris Hilton
-Genocide
-Extremists
More locally for me:
-Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger
-Watts, Compton, Inglewood
-Disney

cake said...

There's this one too (though now I'm wandering away from Nooprah's list):

Co-Ed Boardinghouse Adopts Mob of Lost Puppies

Momenger said...

Duct Tape

Unidentified Body

Tractor Trailor Truck

Thin Ice

Momenger said...

Baseball Bat

Well Respected Student CoEd

Jay Blogger said...

4. Shallow grave. (never, ever good)

"The Brit flick 'Shallow Grave' wins the award as best creepy movie from the '90s to not watch on a date."

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111149/

...well, I tried to make a feel-good headline out that. Looks like I failed.

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