Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Crap I Just Don't Believe



1. I don't believe in hydroplaning (I mean come on now, a 5000 pound car travelling on a film of water....yeah maybe if Jesus was driving said car)

2. I don't believe Jesus walked on water (unless of course he was driving the Flinstones car and he was hydroplaning or something)

3. ADD (your kid is just a screw-up)

4. Black ice (slippery invisible ice...sure.)

5. Anything a car dealer says.

6. Anything a cell phone provider says.

7. That I smoked cigarettes all those years when it clearly warned me it could screw up my pregnancy.

8. That Moses parted the Red Sea (Do I look stupid?)

9. That I'm still milking the nothing for number such and such gag even though it's not funny.

10. The whole 'thin thighs in thirty days' thing that is on the cover of EVERY woman's magazine.

11. A woman when she says she has less than 10 pairs of shoes

12. That alcoholism is a disease (you just like drinking, dontcha?)

15 comments:

cake said...

I can't believe you shocked everyone into silence like this. It must have been the revelation that you don't believe in black ice.

I mean, jeez, next you'll be saying you don't believe in weather forecasts...

Phil Donahue's Niece said...

what about:

Don't do that or your face will freeze like that!

Sitting too close to the TV is bad for your eyes. They've obviously never saw Jason Varitek on TV. And if it's so bad, why is it OK to sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day?

Sparkle Plenty said...

Um, I don't believe that, uh. Ahem. See, what I don't get is why they say you'll, uh, go blind if you...Because, my vision is...Oh, gee. Uh, just forget I mentioned anything.

I don't believe that it will "go on my permanent record." I demand to see my permanent record. (But, why do I feel like my elementary school principal really does have my permanent record stored in a rusty file cabinent in the basement of his golf course-view retirement villa?)

cake said...

I just remembered that I don't believe that sugar causes cavities. It's a lie started by the terrorists and if we stop eating sugar, they will have won!

Momenger said...

The "alleged" moon walk (I've never seen an American flag up there, even when there's a FULL moon)

cake said...

I don't believe in full moons. It's an optical illusion.

Grumpy said...

I don't believe your tongue will stick to metal when it's freezing outside...

anyone care to try?

:-)

Lois Lane said...

I don't believe that a pint of Ben & Jerry's contains four servings. Two, tops.

I also don't believe that he shot the sherriff, but he *didn't* shoot the deputy. It just doesn't add up.

Sparkle Plenty said...

YETH. Appallently yel ton doth stith to freething methal.

Excellent dismantling of the deputy/sherriff mystery. It only makes sense if the deputy is singing the song. And somehow, because he's the deputy, he fought the law and still the law won? Maybe the deranged deputy went on to shoot Liberty Vallance as well?

Sparkle Plenty said...

Let's see. While I'll concede that where angels go, trouble follows, I dispute that "with six, you get eggroll." And, I fervently believe that Pelham was taken 1-2-3-4, rather than 1-2-3.

Jesus "Bonecrusher" Christ said...

I don't believe that people still think Iraq had something to do with 9/11...

I Ain't No Oprah said...

I do.

Momenger said...

Figures.

I don't believe Reagan ended the Cold War.

HA! How's your blood pressure?

cake said...

I don't believe in the Cold War. It always seemed kind of tepid to me.

Momenger said...

As a compromise, maybe we could call it the "Chilly War."