Merry Christmas!

I want jeggings for Christmas!

Overheard in my shop:

MAN: "I don't like dinosaurs...I only like comic books and vampires.."

The Fortune Teller

Across the street from my business is a fortune teller, tarot card reader, palm reader, mind reader gal.

She has a business and people go to her. They pay her money. To see the future. To read their minds. To read their palms.

Fortune Teller.

So anyhow...

She comes in my store today looking for Christmas gifts for her nephew.

I show her a few things.

She hems, she haws. She hems AND haws.

Here is the conversation:

ME: "So...how old is your nephew?"

FORTUNE TELLER: "He's six."

ME: "What kind of things does he like?"

FORTUNE TELLER: "I'm not sure what he's into these days."

ME: "But...."

Shot Glasses

So I go into a liquor store this morning.

I needed six shot glasses.

Here is the conversation with a clerk:

ME: "Do you have six shot glasses?"

CLERK: "What do you want them for?"

ME::  ::::blinks::::

Mein Furrier (best Hitler dog EVAH!)

 

 

The Signed Penis

So the other night my once future wife was over the house.

We'll call her TOOTS.

She had a few glasses of wine.

Wifey had a few glasses.

I had a Big Mac and fries.

Here is the conversation:

TOOTS: "Next week I'm getting a signed penis."

ME: "A signed penis?"

TOOTS: "Yes...he keeps taking his time. But I told him I really need it next week."

ME: "Why do you want a signed penis?"

TOOTS: "I've been wanting it for years."

ME: "A signed penis."

TOOTS: "And then I can finally move."

ME: "A signed penis makes you move? "

TOOTS: "Not penis."

ME: "You said 'signed penis'."

TOOTS: "A signed P & S. A purchase and sale agreement on my house."

ME: "Oh."

Congratulations!

Yesterday a couple came into my shop and the guy was looking at higher end robots (Gundam) to purchase.

He was on the fence about his purchase.

I started talking to him a bit. I had never seen him before.

Turns out he was up here on his honeymoon.

And nothing is better than buying robots on your honeymoon.

He kept going back and forth on if he should buy this robot or not. He finally decided to treat himself.

He seemed happy. His new bride seemed happy.

Here is the conversation that followed after he paid:

ME: "Congratulations!"

BOTH OF THEM:  "Thank you!"

ME: "And congratulations on getting married!"

FREE!

Hoag used to do this on a regular basis.  I did it for the first time last night.

I was on my way home and driving thru my neighborhood when I noticed a neighbor had some furniture at the end of her driveway with a large sign that said FREE.

I took the sign.

I got home, brought the sign in to show Wifey.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "See my free sign I got at Kathy's house?"

WIFEY:  "You're an asshole."

ME: "With a FREE sign."

Calcium Dickens

I'm not sure if he's a he.

I'm not sure if he's a private detective.

It could be an illness.

A trendy gluten free meal, perhaps?

Some type of exotic flower?

Maybe Calcium Dickens is replacing someone on The View.

Calcium Dickens might be a ska band for all I know.

I don't really know who or what a Calcium Dickens is.

But if it's a guy and he has a daughter I'm sure her name is Codeine.

Or something.

Fat Cat

So most nights at home Wifey and I watch TV together.

We sit on the same couch. I'm on the good side...she's on the lame side.

She normally controls the remote control for the TV.

Most shows we watch are recorded on our DVR...and we (she) fast forwards through any commercials.

Still with me? (yawn)

Anyhow...

The other night we're sitting there on the couch when all of a sudden the remote comes flying in my direction.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "What the heck are you doing!!!???"

WIFEY: "You're sit there every night like a fat cat while I do the remote!!"

ME: "I aint no fat cat!"

WIFEY:  "Fat cat."

All I did was wash a pan.

WIFEY: "You're a good wife."

ME: "Thank you."

You ain't nothing but a HoagDog.

So me and Hoag are looking at some recent photographs and there was one of him where he kinda looked fat.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "You look like Fat Elvis in that one."

HOAG: "Still Elvis."

A short text conversation with my daughter the day before her wedding.

ME: "I wish you had a tail."

DAUGHTER:  "Me too."

What's wrong with this picture?

I'll tell you what's wrong...that's Radar O'Reilly from the tv series M*A*S*H. It takes place during the Korean "WAR". The Korean War was in the 1950s.

So?

Look at the comic book on Radar's lap!! It's an Avengers #60.

Published in 1969!

You are dead to me M*A*S*H.

If man was meant to read on the floor he would have been given wings.

I've probably blogged about this topic before.

Deal with it.

---

About an hour ago I walk out back and see a kid sitting on the floor reading one of my books.

I don't mind when people read in here... but for some reason I can't stand it when people sit on the floor and read. GET OFFA MY FLOOR!!

Anyhow...here is the conversation that followed once I spotted him on my floor reading:

ME: "May I get you a pillow?"

HIM: "No thank you! I'm using my jacket."

---

Round One goes to the kid.

Porn Comics

So a guy comes in the other day and asks for a very specific porn comic book.  (He's been in before. I like him)

He clearly knew what he wanted.

Here is the conversation:

GUY: "Do you have (porno comic)?

ME: "I'm not sure...let me check."

Then he looks at me.

He has a strange little smile on his face.

A twinkle in his eyes.

GUY:  "DON'T BE JUDGING ME!!"

ME: "If I was going to judge you I would have made fun of your shirt."

GUY:   ::::twinkle in eyes:::

I blame the...

Democrats!!

But...

I didn't.

I should have...

...thought it thru.

And...

....the whole joke comes out backwards!!!

I'm bored...

...with this already.

And I just...

...might be lying.

Unless....

I'm lying.

Due to the Government Shutdown...

I will be posting a new blog entry every 40 seconds.

Hi there.

So yesterday I did a post about the Post Office having a sign on their door that said THANKS FOR VISTING.

Now I'm in Door Sign Spotting Mode (or DSSM)

Today I go to the BANK OF AMERICA (The bank of AMERICA!!!) and on their door is a nicely made up sign that says:

HI THERE.

You read that right...The Bank of America is now owned by Freddy 'Boom Boom' Washington.

I thanked the teller for letting me visit.

They didn't 'get it'.

Thank you for visting!

I'm at the post office this morning and I notice this sign on the door:

THANK YOU FOR VISTING!

I wasn't visting. I was mailing a package.

I visit relatives,. I visit my friends.

I visit Cousin Saul.  (Well...maybe not Cousin Saul)

But I never VISIT the post office.

I mail stuff there.

They should change the sign:

THANK YOU FOR MAILING STUFF HERE.

(Thank you for visiting my blog)

The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia (Massachusetts)

So the other night I'm sitting in the family room eating my dinner.

I was sitting in 'my chair'. Next to the chair is a small table with a lamp on it.

The lamp was turned on while I ate.  I like to see what I'm eating.

Guess what I did when I finished eating?

Yup...I turned the light off. (Like I've done every single time in the history of the world part 1.)

Here is the conversation that followed the light being shut off:

WIFEY: "Hey...what are you doing? There are other people in here ya know!"

ME:  :::Clicks light back on::

---------------------

Two days later I take some clothes out of the dryer, I bring them into the family room, dump them on couch so I can fold them.... and then turn the ceiling lights on so I can see what I'm folding.

Here is the conversation that followed me turning the light ON:

WIFEY:  "Hey...what are you doing? There are other people in here ya know!"

ME: "Fuck off."

MEDS

A customer comes in today and tells me some of the bad stuff that's been happening to him.

He mentions that at least he will be able to soon get off of his meds. Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "How long have you been taking these meds?"

HIM: "A long time."

ME: "Any side effects?"

HIM:  "They made my penis really, really big."

ME: "I know."

So once again a waitress thinks we are gay

So two guys going out to dinner automatically makes them gay, correct?

Well, that's the vibe that me and Hoag seem to give off.

It happened again last night. The waitress thought we were gay.

No big deal.

But I call her over to the table anyhow.

Here is the conversation:

ME: "I heard you think we are gay."

HER: "I never said that."

ME: "The owner told me you think we are gay. We're not. We are just two guys that go out to dinner every week togther and one of us dresses really nice."

HER: "I just assumed you were...I don't care if you are."

ME: "We ain't."

HER: "Okay blah blah blah small talk small talk small talk"

----

I'm glad we cleared that up. We go back to having a drink. She goes back to doing her job.

About a half hour later she cozies back up to our table.

Here is that conversation:

HER: "Do you guys like Elton John?"

Hotdogs

So the other day I get home and make a few hotdogs for dinner.

Afterwards I saunter over to give Wifey a hug (or something)

Here is the conversation that followed:

WIFEY: "Get away from me!"

ME: "Why?"

WIFEY: "You have hotdog fingers."

ME: "I ain't got no hotdog fingers."

WIFEY: "You do."

ME: "Don't."

WIFEY: "Do."

ME: "I don't...I washed my hands."

WIFEY: "Hotdog fingers."

Things said to me at a wedding the other day.

1. "Excuse me,Sir...you're not allowed in here."

2. "Excuse me, Sir...that's for employees only."

3. "We're not letting people in there yet."

4. "Sir...you'd have to smoke that cigar out front...not here."

5. "This bar is shut down for about 15 minutes."

6. "We don't have Crown Royal."

7. You can't park there...it's for handicapped people."

8. "Are you the bus driver?"

9. "Don't touch me...I'm all wet!"

10. Excuse me, Sir...that's for the wedding party only."

11. "You're a guy...you only need one tissue."

12. "Of course I know what a Dirty Sanchez is...I'm not 11."  (This was actually said to someone else but I was within earshot)

13. "You can have as many cookies as you can carry."

14. "Can you see up my dress with those shoes?"

Describe That Guy!

We have a new game to play.

It's quite simple.

I will tell you one sentence that a man just spoke as he walked by my store.

You have to describe him without every seeing him.

Simple, huh?

OVERHEARD WALKING BY MY SHOP:  "This store is da shit!"

And the game begine in 3....2....1....GO!

No.

GUY: "Do you fix toys?"

ME: "No."

GUY: "How about helicopters?"

ME: "No."

The longest delayed response ever.

MY BROTHER:  "Why did you and Hoagy kick us out of your hotel room after the Alice Cooper concert?"

ME: "Huh?"

MY BROTHER: "In New York City."

ME: "Oh, cuz you guys were drunk."

-----

(the Alice Cooper concert he speaks about was 33 years ago)

A day in the life

CUSTOMER: "What is this?"

ME: "The Millenium Falcon."

CUSTOMER: "What is it?"

ME: "A toy."

CUSTOMER: "What do you do with it?"

ME: "You play with it."

CUSTOMER :shaking the Miillenium Falcon: "What's inside of it?"

ME:  "Han and Chewie."

Suit Update!

I got it.

It's a suit.

Boomer and the Crunch Bunch

So the picture says I LOVE CVS but the story is really about Macy's.

A couple of weeks ago I went to Macy's to buy a suit, a shirt and a tie.

My first ever suit. I'm a grown-up now.

The guy with the tape measure around his neck helped me out, measured me up, suggested a tie, etc.

He put the wax marks on my suit for the alterations that I would need. He took down my name and phone number. He even gave me HIS employee discount on my purchase.

(was he hitting on me?)

Anyhow...he said it would take a couple of weeks to get the suit back from the tailor and that they would call me (that's why he took my phone number)

My cell phone rings today.

I pick up the phone. Here is the conversation:

ME: "Hello?"

CINDY: "Hi...is Steve there?"

ME: "This is Steve. May I help you?"

CINDY: "Well...my name is Cindy and I work at the CVS in FARAWAY-TOWN."

ME: "And....?"

CINDY:  "Well, today UPS delivered a package to me here and I thought it was for my husband but I think it's for you."

ME: "What's in the package...my OXY?"

CINDY: "It's a man's suit."

ME: "What man?"

CINDY: "It's a new suit from Macy's."

ME: "Crap...that's MY suit!! For my daughter's wedding!!"

CINDY: "I order a lot from Macy's...someohow they shipped it to me by mistake."

ME: "Can you ship it to me?"

CINDY: "Yes."

blah blah blah details address thank you laughs etc

----------

The point of the story?

My first daughter is getting married and I bought my first suit ever.

.... and it's coming from a drug store.

And for some reason that amuses me.

Rules of the Wedding

My daughter is getting married this year.

Last night my wife told me the rules of the wedding:

1. "Don't just be goofing around with Hoagy all night."

There were no other rules.

Where Hitler and Stalin first met.

(Or was this where me and Hoagy first met?)

So the ugliest woman that ever walked the face of the planet dies and all of the news agencies only report on Helen Thomas dying.

Typical left leaning media.

RIP Weasel

One of my long time good friends died today.

Two things you need to know about him:

1. He wasn't an asshole.

2. He was the driver of the car in the infamous bowling shoe caper of 1975.

More thoughts on Trayvon

So Trayvon was basically found guilty of assault, correct?

I'm thinking maybe George Zimmerman should sue Trayvon's family for emotional distress and court costs.

Cyndi Lauper

Somehow I ended up at a Cyndi Lauper concert last night.

One guy kept rushing the stage. The security would kinda drag him back to his seat.

He would rush it again.

Security would bring him back to his seat.

This went on a handful of times.

Wifey then leans over to me and informs me that Cyndi Lauper is an advocate for retarded people.

Apparently the guy rishing the stage was a retard!

(as am I for attending a Cyndi Lauper concert)

What else do you need to know about the Cyndi Lauper "concert"?

We walked out after the 6th song and demanded our money back.

Why did we walk out?

Because the bitch doesnt stop TALKING!!!  We paid to listen to her sing.

-----

You know on the internet someone will claim SOMETHING. IS. THE. WORST. THING. EVER!!?

Well....THIS. WAS. THE. WORST. CONCERT. EVER.

The Trayvon Martin Trial

It's now in the hands of the jury.

We've seen and heard the evidence.

We know for a FACT that Trayvon had Skittles with him. SKITTLES!

We know for a FACT that Trayvon wore a sweatshirt with a hood on it.

We know for a FACT that Trayvon's skin was brown/black.

We know for a FACT that Trayvon was walking through a neighborhood.

If that's not enough to convict him I don't know what is.

Store Hours

I have a small shop.

Here is a conversation in said shop:

GUY: "Finally! You're open!"

ME: "What do you mean?"

GUY: "You're always closed when I come down."

ME: "You should probably come down when I'm open."

GUY: "You're never open."

ME: "Actually I've been open every day for thirty years except for Christmas and Thanksgiving."

GUY: "Not when I come down."

ME: "You should come down during our store hours."

GUY: "What are those?"

ME: "The hours when you don't come down."

Schmeetah.

I just found out PETA is all mad at me cuz I compared a large disfigured woman to a gorilla.

Oh, well....

Asshole

GAL: "Nobody has ever called me an asshole before."

ME: "Maybe not to your face..."

Tornadoes

POSSIBLY MENTAL CUSTOMER:  "Do you think tornadoes have faces?"

ME: "No."

POSSIBLY MENTAL CUSTOMER:  "Oh....I always thought they did."

I wanted a hot dog.

Last night I'm at a concert.

I'm hungry...I want a hot dog. I go stand in line for said hot dog.

::taptaptap:::

Waiting in line.

A woman turns to me.

Here is the conversation:

WOMAN: "What are you doing?"

ME: "I'm waiting in line."

WOMAN: "For what?"

ME: "A hot dog."

WOMAN: "Seems to me that you're more interested in buns."

ME: "Huh?"

WOMAN: "This is the line for the ladies room."

And the winner is...

 

So a few months ago The Rolling Stones announced a tour. Two shows in Boston...one on a Wednesday, one on a Friday.

 

Hoag wants to go to both but I'm busy on Wednesdays.

 

He buys tickets for both shows...$600.00 a ticket. I'll just go to the Friday show with him, he'll take someone else for the Wednesday show.

 

The Stones rolled into town last night.

 

It was around 5:00 in the afternoon on Wednesday and it started gnawing at me that I wasn't going to the show. I had no tickets, I had to work, etc.

 

I texted Wifey. Meet me at the shop and we'll try to sneak into the show. If we can't get in we'll just have dinner and hang around outside the Garden.  (I could practically feel the eyeroll)

 

But she sacked up and said ok.

 

We drive in the Boston Garden. Park the car. Go inside.

 

I see a cop. He asks what I'm doing. I reply: "I want tickets." He points to a ticket window. I ask for two of the cheapest tickets (I've seen the Stones dozens of times...I dont need $600.00 tickets) ...I score two $150.00 seats.

 

I escort my bride to her seat and then go back out to get some hot dogs and drinks.

 

Who do I bump into? Yup...Mister $600.00 seats himself...Hoag!

 

He starts cracking up that I got in. We compare tickets. We are in the same EXACT section!!

 

But I'm seven rows IN FRONT of him!!!

 

He looks perplexed.

 

He spent $900.00 extra on crappier seats.

 

I smile.  Stuff like this has happened before.

 

Wifey thinks I'm lucky.

 

I make my own luck.

 

So who is the winner?

 

You're probably thinking me, correct?

 

That would be a good guess.

 

Until I get to my seat.

 

Hoag texts me from seven rows behind me.

 

He texts me a picture of the back of my head.

 

I have a bald spot!!!

 

And that my friends is why Hoag is the winner and still champion!



Saltines

I need you to pretend that the following happened to me last night.

If I told you it actually happened about two months ago you would think I'm fake ranting.

But it happened last ::winkwink:: night.

I got some sardines.

I went to get the saltine crackers.

"Hey Honey...where are the saltines?"

"In the drawer!"

So I look in the drawer.

I see a box.

The box states that they are indeed saltines.

I open the box.

I GASP!!

The saltines aren't in protective sleeves! The saltines are just kinda in the box as if they were cereal! Or something.

That's not the worst part!!!

THE SALTINES ARE ROUND!!!

What the heck is that all about???

Round and saltines just don't go together.

It's stupid.

I look at the tin of sardines.

I look at round saltines.

How bad could it possibly be?

REAL BAD...THAT'S HOW BAD!!

Round saltines are the devil's food.

The sardine kinda doesn't fit.

I don't think they put as much salt on the ine.

I hope that the guy who invented round saltines gets the throat cancer.

86 dollars.

So I go into Home Depot recently to buy some stuff.

The lady scans my items.

Here is the conversation that follows:

LADY: "And that will be eighty six dollars and....OH MY GOD! That will be eighyt six dollars on the nose! Can you believe that? Eighty six dollars even! That's SO weird! That never happens!! Eighty six dollars even!"

ME: "Wow."

They Fix Lamps

So I'm driving down the road today when I spot a sign on the side of the road.

WE FIX LAMPS

So I thought to myself: "What would I do if one of my lamps didnt work?"

I'd buy a new one.

It would never occur to me to fix a lamp.

I can see a lamp smashing to pieces if it fell off a table or something....but do lamps ever really stop working?

Ever?

I've never heard of such a thing.

"Honey! The lamp isn't working again!! Call the repair guy!!"

Two things happen to lamps...

1. They fall on the floor and smash into a million pieces.

Or...

2. They work forever.

WE FIX LAMPS guy is probably not wealthy.

He's also pretty lonely.

And what's with the sign saying 'WE'????

Is there really a bunch of guys "fixing" lamps?

A massive building filled with lonely guys not doing anything?

They Fix Lamps.

Printer Ink

So today I received some 'spam' (unwanted advertising via electronic "mail") and it proudly proclaimed "Now get printer ink even easier!"

Really?

Is getting printer ink difficult?

I usually have to walk about 14 feet into an Office Max to get mine.

Sometimes I have to enter my credit card number online and then wait for it to be sent to me.

I'm exhausted.

I wish there was an easier way to get...Printer Ink!

Kayleigh

I just met a girl named Kayleigh.

I wanted to punch her parents for naming her Kayleigh.

The Smirk

So I'm doing some Google Image Searches the other day.

I type in SMIRK.

What I thought would be the first hit, WAS the first hit.

I was happy with myself.

So I asked Hoag what he thought would be the first hit.

Hoag instantly gets the correct answer.

I then ask Cousin Saul.

He gets it right in a nano second.

I ask a few male customers.

They don't hesitate. They all get it right.

I get home.

I ask Wifey.

A blank look on her face.

I ask future Wifey.

Nothing.

I ask my daughter.

Blank stare.

I come into work the next day and ask a few more women.

"If you google image search SMIRK what's the first thing that comes up?"

None of them have a clue...mostly lame guesses.

I tell the women the correct answer.

Bruce Willis.

One of them actually says to me "I haven't thought about Bruce Willis in twenty years."

What????

I can't think of a day when I haven't thought of Bruce Willis.

And that my friends is the difference between men and women.

::smirk::

I don't like the band RUSH

 

Last night I was watching the 2013 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony.

 

The last act to be inducted was RUSH.

 

I don't like RUSH.

 

Never have.

 

But I decided to watch them anyhow.

 

There are three guys in the band RUSH.

 

The drummer is awesome and he writes the lyrics (something about Tom Sawyer in one of the songs)

 

But just cuz the drummer has a bit of talent doesn't mean I like the band RUSH...cuz I don't.

 

I don't like RUSH.

 

(You already see where this is going, dontcha?)

 

Then I started paying attention to the lead guitar player.

 

The guy was doing stuff on a guitar that I really didnt know was possible.

 

I never really saw or listened to RUSH before...sometimes they'd pop up on the radio or somthing.

 

I never cared for them. Just cuz the lead guitar was amazing doesn't mean I like RUSH. I don't like RUSH. Never have.

 

Then I started to pay attention to the lead singer/bass player.

 

The dude kinda makes the bass guitar cool. He also was doing stuff that I never really saw a guitar player do.

 

And his voice? Distinctive.

 

Good? I have no clue. He sings rock and roll songs.

 

Does it matter if it's good?

 

I don't like RUSH in spite of the drummer being amazing (and writing the lyrics), the guitar player outplaying most other guitar players and a bass player that is the lead singer (he does have a cool name...Geddy Lee)

 

But I don't like RUSH.

 

I'll never buy any RUSH music or see them in concert.

 

Just because they are awesome doesn't mean I have like them.

 

I never liked RUSH, never will.

 

How the heck did they get in the Hall of Fame?

 

 

 



ixnay on handshaking-ay

So this guy comes in the shop the other day and offers out his hand to shake with me.

Here is the conversation that follows:

ME: "Nah...I don't shake hands."

HIM: "Why...ya got that germ phobia?"

ME: "Nope."

HIM: "So why won't you shake my hand?"

ME: "You're black."

HIM: "Actually I'm more brown."

ME:  ::::fistbump::

---

Six seconds of awesome.

Happy Birthday, Dinkweed!

Your new favorite baseball player of all time!

Have you ever said something that you instantly wished you could take back?

Last night it happened to me.

I was sitting at a restaurant bar finishing up my dinner.

The bartender approached me.

Here is the conversation:

BARTENDER: "Would you like another beer?"

ME: "Negatory, Big Ben!"



-------

I'm now quoting bad songs from the 1970s to bartenders.

Conan

KID: "Look...Conan O'Brien has his own comic!"

DAD: "Different Conan....that's the barbarian."

KID: "Huh?"

The Homeless Guy

So this homeless guy is standing outside of my shop.

Long beard.

Dirty clothes.

Flood pants.

Flip-flops on his filthy feet.

Long fingernails.

Tattered shopping bags stuffed with newspapers.

You know, homeless.

Did I mention I put a large box of record albums outside today for FREE?

The Homeless Guy spots said records.

FREE RECORDS!

And what does he do?

He starts taking the records out of the sleeves and inspecting them for scratches.

CUSTOMER: "Do you have the tin dog from Doctor Who?"

ME: "Sorry...we're all sold out of the tin dog."

Boston Marathon

So who won the race?

Play Ball! (kinda)

Roger Ebert

ME: "Roger Ebert died."

POSSIBLY CLINKY: "Was he the fat one or the bald one?"

Lady Liberty

A lady comes in today.

Here is the conversation.

LADY: "Do you have any low numbered tables?
ME: "A what?"

LADY: "A low numbered table."

ME: "You mean like a bargain table?"

LADY: "No...a low numbered table. A table with a low number."

ME: "I don't know what that is...I've never heard that expression before. Do you mean a table with things marked down low?"

LADY: "No...a low numbered table."

ME: "I don't have any low numbered tables right now."

LADY: "I'll bring that package in soon."

ME: "What package?"

LADY: "Remember when I came in dressed like Lady Liberty and I said I had a package for you?"

ME: "Yes."

LADY: "Maybe I'm dreaming."

ME: "Maybe."

------


(She actually came in a  month ago dressed up like the broad in the picture...She was 'working' for Liberty Tax...I didn't recognize her without her torch)

When is a gun not a gun? When it's ajar.

GAL: "Hey look, Marge....records! Remember these?"

MARGE: "Yes."

GAL: "What did we call them?"

MARGE:  "44's"

The Incredible Hulk

So I'm flipping thru an old issue of The Incredible Hulk  and in it is a panel of The Hulk kinda talking to himself.

He says something like: "Bah! Why do puny humans bother Hulk?"

 I thought about it for a second or two.

They bother you Hulk, cuz you're an asshole.

Always smashing things. And stuff.

Quit being a dink and maybe they won't 'bother' you anymore.

I'm on the bandwagon (Baa!)

Key-Rhist!

GUY: "Hi...do you know where I can get a key made?"

ME: "Yes...there is a locksmith four blocks down THAT way."

GUY: "Thanks...I'll go the other way...it's not as far."

----



(I'm thankful that we have the word dinkweed)

I'm so cool...I swear a lot in this post!

I was reading an article today about snack time at the White House.

The article featured the above picture.

A picture of a little boy in suit and a little girl in her cotillion dress.

(I hope those kids get bullied BIG TIME!)

But that's not why I'm writing.

I'm writing cuz it's SNACK TIME at The Fucking White House and the goddamn Obama's put out a fucking bowl of apples!!!

For snacks!!

I love apples, don't get me wrong...but for SNACK TIME??? At the White House???

And look at MOOchelle's giddy smile?

"I'm promoting healthy eating!"

FUCK OFF!

It's snack time at the Goddamn White House and you put out goddamn apples for kids.

They want candy.

Bush would have put out candy.

And not healthy candy.

Candy candy.

The one time those kids get to go to the fucking White House and they get fucking apples.

----


(a special thanks to Cousin Saul for the term Moochelle)

(

New Pope!

Pawn Store

GUY: "There used to be a pawn store around here...do you know where it is?"

ME: "They closed years ago."

GUY: "The man down the street said there is a pawn store right around here."

ME: "He's wrong."

GUY: "It's where the old pawn store used to be."

ME: "There was never a pawn store on this block."

GUY: "Yes there was...I've been in it!"

ME: "You've been in a pawn store here?"

GUY: "Yes, back when they sold videos."

ME:  "OH!!!! A Porn store!!!"

GUY: "Yes, that's what I said."

Menu Antics

Last night we went out to eat with another couple.

 

One of my favorite things to do in a restaurant is eat.

 

One of my other favorite things to do in a restaurant is to engage the waitress with stupid.

 

Here is the conversation after the waitress explained the specials.

 

 

WAITRESS:  "So if you have ANY questions about the menu just ask!"

 

ME: "Where did you get it printed?"

 

WAITRESS:  :::blinks:::

 



Mom's Junk Mail

My Mom died in 2004.

This past week I got some mail addressed to her.

On the envelope in BOLD letters it stated:

OPEN IMMEDIATELY...TIMELY MATERIAL.

I didn't open it.

 

The couple shown above died this morning on the way to the hospital to deliver their first baby.

 

The baby survived.

 

I'm guessing the picture was taken on their wedding day.

 

 

Three events.

 

 

One sad. (soon to be parents dead)

 

Two happy. (the wedding being one....the idea that the baby doesn't have to grow up and call this freak 'Dad' being the other.)

 

 

 

 



Making an old joke timely.

Two elephants are sitting in a bathtub.

The first elephant says to the other: "Please pass the soap."

The other elephant replies: "No pope, radio!"

The Devil didnt wear Prada at the Oscars

My top was made of the finest white cotton blends by H'anes of North Carolina.

My lower half was covered by a durable blue denim designed by L. Strauss of San Francisco.

Accessories by W'Ud Eva Wuz Layin'Rou'nd.

Fail to the Chief

So last week me and the Hoag go out for buddy nite.

We order a drink and start talking.

We are sitting there with our coats on for a bit. Hoag stands up and starts taking his jacket off.

He has a slight smirk on his face.

He puts the jacket on the back of chair and kinda turns around.

I BURST OUT LAUGHING!

Hard laughter in a crowded restaurant.

Hoag is wearing a sweater with the presidential seal embroidered over the breast area.

He's trying to be all nonchalant about it.

Nobody else for the next three hours said a word about it.

I just kept laughing. I'm picturing him golfing with Barack.

Maybe ya had to have been there....

It rhymes with Moffice Mee-po

So I need something for the shop.

I look online.

Their website keeps timing out on me so I decide to just call them and order on the phone.

Simple, right?

First I get the Computer Voice when I call.

I end up shouting at her prompts.

I hate her within seconds.

I get a real live person.

She asks my name.

She asks what she can do for me.

I tell her that I would like to order something.

She asks for my account number.

I tell her that I don't have an account number.

She tells me that she will check anyhow in case I forgot.

I assure her that I've NEVER had an account with them.

She tells me she will check anyhow.

I tell her that I will try somewhere else.

::slam::

Candy Bar Wrapper Instructions

I have a candy bar.

On the candy bar wrapper it has instructions on how to open it.

I'm pretty sure I would have figured it out without said instructions.

But that's not the funny part about this candy bar wrapper.

This candy bar wrapper has instructions on how to CLOSE said wrapper after opening it.

Hahahahahahahah! HA!

I don't be opening no candy bar wrapper to then want to close it.

I'm straight! Not like everybody says... like gay... I'm straight and I want respect!

So last night I went out to eat alone.

It was a place that me and Hoag used to go each week on Buddy Nite.

We were fairly well known there.

Anyhow...

I sit at the bar, order a drink and my food.

A few minutes go by when the friendly bartender/manager gal comes up to me to say hi.

(she was always nice to us)

Here is the conversation:

MAGGIE: "So how are things going?"

ME: "Things are well."

MAGGIE: "Where's your partner tonight?"

ME: "My 'partner' is at home with his wife."

MAGGIE: ::::befuddled::: "Oh, tell him I said Hi."

ME: "Okay."

Hitler is cute?

This morning I was shaving and noticed that my bed head hair looked like Hitler's.

So naturally I took out a black pocket comb and put it under my nose making a little Hitler 'stache for myself.

And then I did what any wannabe Hitler would do...I took out my iPhone and took a picture of myself looking like ol' Uncle Adolf.

Then I texted the picture to Wifey.

Here is here reply:

WIFEY: "Cute."

---

So to sum up:

My goose-steppin' wife thinks Hitler is cute!!

Heil Hockey!

Heil Hockey!

RIP Reg (you made EVERYTHING groovy)

Planned Improv

 

So this guy comes in the other day to buy a gift.

 

He brings it to the counter.

 

Here is the conversation:

 

HIM: "Do you wrap?"

 

ME: "No...but I'd be happy to sing the blues."

 

HIM: "I get that."

 

ME: "I've had that line in the ready room for years."

Kate Winslet's nipples.

 

So we watched the movie THE READER last night.

 

Here is the conversation this morning:

 

 

ME: "Do you think Kate Winslet is attractive?"

 

WIFEY: "Yes, but I don't like her nipples."

 

ME: "What's wrong with her nipples?"

 

WIFEY: "They're kinda black."

 

---

 

 

You'll have to google to see Kate Winslet's nipples...or watch the movie.

 

Or start dating her.

 

Or something.

Cah Wahshhh

 

So yesterday I pull up to the gas station/car wash and I fill up my tank with ethyl.

 

The sexy computer voice at the pump asks if I'd like a car wash today.

 

I push the button that says yes.

 

I love having a clean car in the middle of winter.

 

So I get back in car with my car wash code in hand and drive around to the car wash.

 

The sign says:

 

Car Wash Closed Today.

 

(It was wicked cold out)

 

 

THEN DON'T ASK ME IF I WANT A CAR WASH IF IT'S CLOSED, SEXY COMPUTER VOICE BITCH!

Stupid Bugles

 

 

So the other day Wifey asks me what I want at the grocery store.

 

Ice cream, Bugles, and Cheese Puffs I tell her.

 

Here is the conversation when I got home.

 

WIFEY: "I got your stupid Bugles."

 

ME: "They're not 'stupid' Bugles!"

 

WIFEY: "They are."

 

ME: "Did you get your stupid capers and stupid V-8 juice?"

 

WIFEY:  "Your stupid Bugles are bad for you!"

 

ME: "Bugles ain't bad for me! They are made from corn."

 

WIFEY:  "You're stupid."

 

ME: "You are."

 

WIFEY: "You are."

 

ME: "You are."

The Elephant in the Room

 

Lots of news reports this week about Michelle Obama and her new haircut.

 

SHE HAS BANGS!

 

She is a stylish first lady!

 

She's brought glamour back to the White House!

 

A trend-setting First Lady!!

 

 

----

 

Let's cut thru the crap...she is a large (almost fat) beast of a woman.

 

Her face is wicked ugly.

 

She is a behemoth.

 

 

Though I have to agree about something...

 

 

She has bangs!!

NO PARKING ZONE

ME: "Hey buddy...you can't park there!"

HIM: "Yes I can...just not legally."

ME: "Nice!"

Today I review LINCOLN.

1) I was going to go to sleep in the theatre but I didn't want my snoring to wake up the other movie-goers.


2) I was praying that there was an assassin in the theatre and that he would shoot ME!


3) There was too much butter on my popcorn.


4) Nothing for #4


(Lincoln blows)

(Daniel Day-Lewis was pretty good)

(The wheelbarrow full of body parts was the best part of the movie)