Haircut talk

So I go to get my haircut the other night.

Me and the 'stylist' hit it off.

Here is part of the conversation:

HER: "So you want me to trim your eyebrows?"

ME: "No."

HER: "Your wife will really appreciate it."

ME: "Your husband will appreciate it if you lose about ten pounds."

HER: "I'll trim the eyebrows."

ME: "Okay."

Waiting for Coffee

WIFEY: "What are you doing?"

ME: "I'm waiting for coffee."

WIFEY: "But what are you doing?"

ME: "I'm waiting for coffee."

WIFEY: "What are you doing in HERE?"

ME: "I'm waiting for coffee."

I'll take an iPhone5. Thank you!

Heavy Accent Guy

HEAVY ACCENT GUY: "Heavyaccent-heavyaccent-heavyaccent-heavyaccent?"

ME: "Nope."

HEAVY ACCENT GUY: "Heavyaccent-heavyaccent-heavyaccent-heavyaccent."

ME: "Okay...have a great week! Thank you!"

HEAVY ACCENT GUY: "Heavy-accent."

Hey, Assholes!!

Stop calling it indigo when it's really just blue!!

Memory loss

I'm getting old.

I woke up this morning and couldn't remember if Sylvia was married or single.

How could I not know that?

I was just about to call her.

Then I realized that she died in 1989.

Passive meet Aggressive

So Saturday night me and Wifey are coming home from dinner.

It's about 11:00 pm.

All of a sudden a car flies by me and passes me on the right.

On a single lane road.

I'm FURIOUS!

I press my horn down and speed up.

I keep the horn blaring!

Wifey is nervous.

"ARE YOU NUTS?? THEY COULD KILL US!!" she says.

I keep following them with my horn going. I'm right on their tail.

They finally pull over.

I pull over right behind them.

"DON'T GET OUT OF THE CAR! THEY MIGHT HAVE A GUN OR SOMETHING!" she says.

So I sit there. She's probably right. Why get killed just to prove a point?

They are still sitting in their car.

I decide to just go home.

I pull my car back onto the street.

We slowly drive by them.

Wifey turns her head towards them and gives them the finger.

Repent!

FREAK: "Hi...I'm Mike from Rhode Island and you need repentance." ME: "Hi...I'm {IANO} from {here} and you need to leave my store."

Get Your Rocks in the Attic, Bobo

So I'm doing a project at home and I needed some rocks.

I guessed that I would need about 'three yards' of rock.

Turns out I only needed about 1/2 a yard of rocks.

So now I literally still have a ton of rocks.

That's it.

Nothing else to see.

I got ROCKS!!

Smaht Cah

So last night Wifey and I were eating out at a restaurant.

We sat at the bar.

Two women were next to me and thoughout the night they were amusing us a bit.

Nothing wicked funny or anything...just amusing.

Then DrunkThing #1 dropped her purse.

Everything spilled out...ice was now broken. Wifey and I started to talking to them.

Here is part of the conversation:
DRUNKTHING#1: "...and people always make fun of my stupid Smart Car."

ME: "You have a stupid Smart Car?"

DRUNKTHING#1: "Yes...I love that stupid Smart Car."

ME: "Then why do you call it stupid?"

DRUNKTHING#1: "Because someone stole two pairs of boots out of it."

ME: "Stupid Smart Car."

DRUNKTHING#1: "You must think I'm a whore."

ME: "Stupid Smart Car."

Clint Eastwood just TALKED to the invisible President...

Origami for Cake

"Strings" Armstrong RIP

Overheard in a parking lot.

Three fat chicks were standing WAY over there >.

Two guys were over THAT < way.

Here is what was said:

ONE OF THE GUYS: "HEY, COWS!!...there is grass on our dicks!!"

--


(I might have laughed)

Todd Akin was wrong

And I have two daughters to prove it!!

Things you don't need to know about this past week's Buddy Nite.

We said the word 'Brony' over 200 hundred times.

Our table was reserved under the names Butch and Sundance.

We were called Hoagy and Cowboy as we left.

I stirred Hoag's drink with a French Fry.

As I got up to use the men's room I told Hoag to keep his paws off of my drink.

About an hour later he texted me a picture of him pawing my drink.

Salt got dumped into his drink.

We also spent a better part of the night discussing what charity we should get 100% involved in.


SO TO SUM UP:

One of the above statements is false.

How does a politician get my vote?

So Mitt Romney just picked Paul Ryan as his running mate.

I never heard of him before.

So I read up on him.

Turns out he used to work for Oscar Mayer.

And he drove the Wienermobile.

He drove...The Wienermobile!

A heartbeat away and we have a guy that drove the Wienermobile in the Oval Office!

(He didn't actually drive it IN the Oval Office)

Come November I vote (R)

Three days later

And I come up with the best response ever!

EVER!

Hopefully someone, sometime in the future, will ask me if I sell Fitzwillies.

Cuz I'm ready for them!

The Battle of the Olympic Male Bulge

So we were watching the Olympics the other night. Here is part of the conversation:

WIFEY: "Did you see that?"

ME: "What?"

WIFEY: "His package."

ME: "His package?"

WIFEY: "The bulge in his pants."

ME: "I wasn't looking there."

WIFEY: "You were looking there!!"

ME: "I don't look at male packages."

WIFEY: "What about on buddy nite?"

ME: "What the heck are you talking about?"

WIFEY: "You don't check out {real name} Hoagy?"

ME: "Why the heck would I check out Hoagy's package?"

WIFEY: "Aren't you curious?"

ME: "You're out of your mind."

WIFEY: "If you're behind him when you're walking into the restaurant do you look at him?"

ME: "You are nuts...I'm looking at chicks."

WIFEY: "You don't notice what {real name} Hoagy is wearing?"

ME: "Everybody notices what Hoagy is wearing."

Sometimes I'm just gonna swipe a joke from Sarah Silverman.

So this old couple goes to Germany for vacation, and they're doing the whole tour.

And they get into a big fight on the bus, and they go on the tour of Auschwitz and they're not speaking to each other the whole time.

They get back on the bus and the husband says "You were right, I was wrong, I'm sorry."

And she says: "Oh, NOW you're sorry. Now that you ruined Auschwitz for me."

So the power is back on in India and what it means to you.

1. Female voices have returned to their normal dulcet tones.

2. With AC now pouring thru the whole country it is down to a chilling 108 degrees.

3. Sweet aroma of the famed Sewage River returns in all of its glory.

4. Car horns never needed electricity!! We kept on honkin', Bobo!

5. Children are back to being pleasant.

6. Trash Mountain is back in operation and locals flocked back as if they never left!

7. Squalor returns all around the countryside.

8. Hindu?

9. Do what?

10. Remind me of a man.

11. What man?

12. Man with the power.

13. Power of what?

14. Hindu.

15. Do what?

16. Remind me of a man...

Today's post is titled: Your ass is just too damn big to be wearing those tiny shorts.

Now if I could only think of something to blog about...

Have you ever heard a retarded guy sneeze?

It sounds just like a regular guy sneezing.

I was expecting more.

I will try to make some sense out of the Opening Ceremony at the Olympics.

Smokestacks come out of the ground while a bunch of Abe Lincolns smoke cigars and then they wheel in some kids on beds and the nurses tell them to be quiet (probably because the theme from the Exorcist is playing) then a gaggle of Mary Poppins-iz fly down and beat up monsters.

Bad actors roll up sod and then an inflatable house appears in the middle where 1960s pop is played while bad go-go dancing goes on.

The camera pans to a bored Queen (who earlier flew in with James Bond)

Then a chick loses her phone while bad pop music is played and then a guy finds her phone. This ushers in the digital age.

Something about health care, something about women's rights. Something about Mr. Bean and Chariots of Fire.

Then a bunch of athletes walk in (though very few swimmers).

The people from Bermuda wore Bermuda Shorts.

A Beatle sang a song at the end that had nothing to do with anything.

.
SO TO SUM UP:

I didn't make any of this up.

Generic Dandruff Shampoo

Yup.

That's what I use.

This morning I opened up a new one.

Generic store brand packaging.

Until I looked a little closer.

It told me it was 'Scalp-Tastic'

Guess what?

I'm having a great hair day.

The End.

My thoughts are not with the families of the Aurora Dark Knight Massacre

They are mostly on that brown sugar cinnamon pop tart.

Sitting right there.

C'mere....

The Batman Shooting

You've probably read about by now.

Crazy loner shoots up a Colorado movie theatre killing 12 people.

So I've been reading the news about it.

I came across this gem:



'Police say the attack is not tied to terrorism and have thus far have provided no motive. Holmes' only known brush with authorities was a speeding ticket issued last October. Federal law enforcement sources told USA Today Holmes "was not on anybody's radar."  '

----

So let's break this down, shall we?

His only know brush with the law was a speeding ticket.

It is also stated that he 'was not on anybody's radar.'

Yet he got a speeding ticket??

I'm pretty sure he is gonna beat the speeding ticket rap.

The Spider and the Smoke Detector

So last night around midnight the smoke detector goes off.

As per our pre-arranged fire plan nobody knew what to do.

I go wandering around the house looking for smoke.

No smoke. No fire. Just a blaring alarm.

Wifey informs me that it's probably a spider that set off the alarm.

So now I have to worry about fire breathing spiders!!!!

----

The screaming noise wouldn't stop so I went down to the basement and turned off the circuit breaker to the smoke alarms.

When I wake up in the morning Wifey left me a note:

THERE IS NO HOT WATER.

I guess I also turned off the circuit breaker to the water heater.

----

What have we learned?

Spiders are tiny little dragons.

Circuit breaker for smoke alarms also turns off water heater.

Finalist in the new Buddy Nite theme song contest!

NEW FEATURE: The wit and wisdom of Fran.

Fran stops in my store every so often.

He's been stopping in for the past four decades.

I wish I wrote down everything he has said.

You will come to love Fran. (He looks like Keith Richards)

-----

"I don't mind paying anything as long as it's the right price."

-----

"If I was in Tommy Hearns corner he would have won that fight.

He had him on the ropes and all he needed to do was JAB JAB JAB, instead he went for the face and lost."

-----

"Am I funnier than Peter?"

-----
FRAN: "How much are these?"

ME: "$4.00 each."

FRAN: "What if I buy six of them?"

ME: "$3.50 each if you buy six or more."

FRAN: "What if I just buy one?"

ME: "$4.00."

FRAN: "$3.50 sounds better."

----

FRAN: "I got new teeth."
[smiles]

ME: "What happened to the old ones?"

FRAN: "They got punched out. I have a temper."

----

New old song to be played at my funeral.

Hot Dog Harry

So I'm at the movie theatre the other night and I was hungry.

I hadn't had dinner yet.

What screams DINNER! more than a movie theatre hot dog?

If you said "NOTHING." then you would be correct.

So I go to the food counter.

Here is the conversation:

HOT DOG HARRY: "May I help you?"

ME: "Yes, I'd like a hot dog!"

HOT DOG HARRY: "Do you mind waiting twenty minutes?"

ME: "Yes."

HOT DOG HARRY: "Does that mean you want the hot dog?"

ME: "What was the question you asked me?"

HOT DOG HARRY: "Do you mind waiting twenty minutes for the hot dog?"

ME: "And how did I answer you?"

HOT DOG HARRY: "You said yes."

ME: "So where are we?"

HOT DOG HARRY: "Do you want a hot dog?"

ME: "Yes, but I mind waiting twenty minutes for one."

HOT DOG HARRY: "So should I order one for you?"

ME: "No. I'll just have a medium popcorn."

HOT DOG HARRY: "For only $1.00 more you can have a large popcorn."

ME: "What did I just order?"

HOT DOG HARRY: "A medium popcorn."

ME: "Correct. Thank you."

The Ice Cream Store

CUSTOMER: "I heard there is an ice cream store around here."

ME: "Yup...it's about a block down that way [I point] on this side of the street."

CUSTOMER: "A block what way?"

ME: "That way."

CUSTOMER: "Down there?"

ME: "Yes."

CUSTOMER: "What side of the street is it on?"

ME: "This side."

CUSTOMER: "The side we are on now?"

ME: "Yes. THIS side."

CUSTOMER:  "A block down that way, right?"

ME: "You're too young for Candid Camera, right?"

CUSTOMER: "I have a camera on my phone."

The Mason Jar Filled With Candy

So Friday night Wifey goes to a wedding without me.

I had to work that day so I couldn't go.

The bride had given each one of her guests a mason jar filled with penny-type candy.

Wifey doesn't much like candy.

 It just kinda sat there on the counter taunting me.

I like candy.

But anyhow...

So I wake up on Sunday morning and see a greeting card with my name on it.

In Wifey's handwritting.

It's Father's Day.

Wifey gets me a card for Father's Day.

The mason jar filled with candy is still on the counter a few feet away.

I look at the card.

 I look at the candy.

I don't open either one.

I look back at the candy.

It's time to shower so I go upstairs (with visons of sugar plums dancing in my head) (or something)

When I come downstairs I notice the mason jar filled with candy is now on top of my card.

I'm not even her father.

Happy Part of a Leg Day

I was less than two years old when my Dad died.

I have one memory of him.

I can remember a little bit of his leg and a bit of a maroon robe he wore.

And his slippers.

He was standing by our front door.

I want to thank him for teaching me how to ride a bike.

And to play chess and Monopoly.

How to swim and how to use a lawn mower.

How to ride a horse and how to throw a baseball.

I want to thank him for teaching me how to read.

And how to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

I'd like to also thank him for teaching me to fish and for driving me to school.

For buying me my first car.

And that G. I. Joe.

Thanks Dad.

Or should I call you Mom?

What if snack food companies also made cars?

(Sparkle Garden-Wagon Inspired Post)

1. Wheat Thins Am

2. Ritz-28

3. CamOreo

4. Teddy Grahams National

5. Chips A-Honda

6. TrisK.I.T.T.

7. Slimpala

8. Chevy Ho-Ho

9. El Dorito

10. Malibu-Mar

11. Breeze Whiz

(We haven't done one of these in years)

MOM!!!! She keeps looking at me!!!

He should have done this in Dallas. (Too soon?)

It's a random passage from a random news story!

His friend died at the scene, he said.

No one answered when ABC News called Vines' phone number, but he told the AP that losing his friend was like losing a lung.

Blog post that didn't quite make it.

I thought it would be funny to write a story about the 17 oz New York Cola Company.

Maybe something about them filing for bankruptcy.

And then I decided not to.

Old Baseball Cards

CUSTOMER: "Do you buy old baseball cards?"

ME: "Sometimes...mostly I'm looking for older ones."

CUSTOMER: "I have old ones."

ME: "How old?"

CUSTOMER: "I have a bunch from the 1300s."

ME: "I don't need them from that time period....thank you."

He remembers.

CUSTOMER: "I remember when comics were a nickel."

ME: "Yup."

CUSTOMER: "I also remember when they were five cents."

Pepperidge Farms

Have you ever bought a Pepperidge Farm product?

The bread in particular?

You take off the little twisty-tie thingy on the bag and reach inside and take out the bread.

WRONG!

Pepperidge Farms is still living in 1947 and they have this inner crinkly wrapper thing inside that needs to also be opened.

I don't want to open two wrappers to get to my bread!

But Pepperidge Farms no doubt things it's quaint. It makes it fresher.

It ain't and it doesn't.

If my bread goes stale because it only has one wrapper I'll buy some more.

Join the 21st Century, Mister Pepperidge Farms!

Too many exceptions

This guy just came in the store and paid with foreign money...or was it counterfeit money? I seized it from him and asked for real money.

He feigned indifference.

 (I just said feigned)

I think Keith(?) is gonna have to forfeit his store privileges if he does that again.

He normally spends most of his leisure time reading comics so he either has to come up with American money next time or maybe get a neighbor to help him out.

Or something.

Not that it has anything to do with the story but his height had to have been at least six feet eight inches and his weight was upwards of 300 pounds....not that I weighed him!


Weird, huh?

It's gone viral. Pass it around.

I'm the gander!!

So I go through a toll booth the other day and hand the guy a crisp one dollar bill.

He gives me my change. Part of the change was five pennies.

I look at him.

He looks at me.

I look at my fist full of pennies.

He looks at me.

I look back at him.

I speak.

"What the fuck is this??"

He speaks.

"That's your change."

I speak again.

"It's pennies...the sign says no pennies."

He just smiles.

I think I tell him to fuck off.

My daughter is in the car with me.

She giggles.

Peter Lawford: The Sixth Stone.

If you see this guy, punch him

Who said it:: A pastor from North Carolina or Adolf Hitler?

“I figured a way out, a way to get rid of all the lesbians and queers but I couldn’t get it pass the Congress – build a great big large fence, 50 or a hundred mile long. Put all the lesbians in there, fly over and drop some food. Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals. And have that fence electrified so they can’t get out.
And you know what? In a few years they will die out. You know why? They can’t reproduce. If a man ever has a young'un, praise God he will be the first.”

Overheard in the Shoppe.

CUSTOMER: "Leatherface doesn't even know who James Bond is!"

 FRIEND: "I know!!"

What is the point of this story?

So I have a retarded customer.

And actual retarded customer.

(Or do we call him mentally challenged?)

We will stick with retard for this post. Simmer down!

His name is Bobby.

This particular retard is high functioning. Not Hoag level of high functioning, but still a high functioning retard.

Like Hoag, he dresses nice.

He has a debit card. He is very aware of what things cost.

He talks like you would expect a retard to talk.

He is polite.

As you would expect him to be.

So last night it was past closing time.

 I was hungry.

Bobby was the last person here besides me.

I let him know that it was closing time.

He looked at his watch.

He looked at me.

He looked  at his watch.

He looked at me.

BOBBY: "What time is it?"

ME: "6:47 at night"

BOBBY: "My watch stopped."

The End


So what is the point of this story?

The point is: There is just something funny about a retarded guy with a stopped watch.

I'm not sure why.

Give it some thought.

You will smile.

Disco is dead

Everything should be a nickel

So one of my crazies comes in the shop on Saturday.

Very bag lady-ish. 60s.

Kooky striped socks.

An umbrella in hand on a sunny day.

Weird bows in her hair.

She bought five old lunch boxes for $51.00.

Here is the conversation that followed:

ME: "....and thank you very much! Have a wonderful day!"

LADY: "These should be a nickel."

ME: "What should be a nickel?"

LADY: "These lunch boxes."

ME: "I agree."

LADY: "Everything should be a nickel."

ME: "I agree."

LADY: "I remember when everything was a nickel."

ME: "Me too."

LADY: "That should be a nickel...and that should be a nickel. Everything should be a nickel!"

ME: "Imagine how much stuff we could buy if everything was nickel!??"

LADY: "Everything used to be a nickel."

ME: "Thank you."

Willy de Sade's Steakhouse and Gitmo Torture Shack

So we go out for steaks last night.

Great thick juicy steaks. Baked potatoes dripping in mouth watering butter.

Fresh bread and garlic.

Fantastic service. Lively bar scene.

And the tables of DEATH!!

These things had to have been designed byTorquemada himself!

The most uncomfortable tables in the history of dining!

They might have beem coated in acid and embedded with razor blade spikes!

We left screaming in pain!

But good steaks....

Hash flipped, math skipped. And more!

So I'm driving by the local diner today and notice that they have a large sign up that states:  HASH FLIPPED!!!

Is that really worthy of three exclamation points???

------

I'm in the center of town filling up my gas tank.

It comes to $49.00.

I give the grease monkey $60.00. Here is the conversation that followed:

GREASE MONKEY: "So you want $1.00 back?"

ME: "No...I want $11.00 back.

GREASE MONKEY: "Okay."

------

I was craving a lobster roll last night. I go to my new favorite lobster roll place to get one.

There are 15 empty bar stools around the bar where I plan to eat.

I order.

My food and drink get delivered.

Then lonely Joe the Bartender saunters up to me and starts talking.

I'm the only one there.

I pretend like I'm texting.

He talks some more. And more. And more.

He offers his name. I give him mine.

We are now chums. Or so he thinks.

He talks some more.

Did you know that he was once quite the hockey player?

I do.

He then shook my hand.

I don't really like shaking hands much.

But he's my chum....so I shake.

Now all I can think about is washing off Joe the Bartender's lonely germs.

----

Thats it.

Red Sox Chip Update:

In a rather dull ceremony the unlucky Red Sox poker chip was buried.

(Actually it was dropped in a hole where once stood a fence post)

Nobody really cared.

No food was served.

It probably wont have any real impact on the pennant race.

Go Celtics!

Nhoj Cram Dnamats

So I was cleaning under my counter two weeks ago and I found a Red Sox poker chip.

I put it on a case behind the counter.

What happened?

The Red Sox won six games in a row!

On the road!

They were on fire! They were inching towards .500 after a bad start.

My friends...I found a lucky Red Sox poker chip and I was in control of the Red Sox destiny for 2012!

I thought I'd share this lucky chip with a friend.

Once the lucky poker chip passed hands it became the unlucky Red Sox poker chip!!

I threw the 2012 season down the toilet!

Why oh why oh why did I give it away!!!?????

But the gods looked down at me.

The Red Sox poker chip found it's way BACK to me.

It's sitting in my home.

But still bringing bad luck to my fading Red Sox.

What to do, what to do? (real men should never say 'what to do, what to do?')

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do....I'm gonna bury that motherfucker in my front yard.

Tomorrow. 5/7/12

Maybe around 9- 9:30.

It will be a somber ceremony.

I doubt you can make it to my front yard tomorrow so do me a favor...

Around 9:00am start chanting NHOJ CRAM DNAMATS slowly.

Nhoj.

Cram.

Dnamats.

and repeat.

Nhoj Cram Dnamats.

Nhoj Cram Dnamats.

Nhoj Cram Dnamats.

It's really the only way to save the season.

Nhoj. Cram. Dnamats.



Search Engine Does My Thinking.

You've used a search engine before, correct?

You know how sometimes you type in a few letters and it auto-suggests things?

It drives me nuts.

 I'm happy to just type in Jack in the Box tacos or Cialis or whatever it is I'm searching.

(Cialis is funnier in a joke than Viagra is)

So just a few minutes ago I typed in the letters FA

And up came this:

fried filled tortillafamu hazing deathfine grain leatherfamous canalfacebookfacebook


Unfortunately that isn't what I was looking for.

ROAR!

So last night I was watching a show with Rob Lowe (actually it was a show starring Rob Lowe)....I was watching with Wifey.

At one point I turned to Wifey and said: "He has great hair!"

After the show was over I went back to reading 50 Shades of Grey.

Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!

Adorable!

(Thanks Maddog)

IHOP

So yesterday I went out for breakfast.

Just a local place, not The International House of Pancakes.

 As I ate I thought about The International House of Pancakes.

A house.

Of pancakes.

Think about that for a second.

A house...of PANCAKES!!

An international house.

Of pancakes.

You're hearing this through my grapevine.

This man came in yesterday wearing a nice grey suit.

Good shoes.

Mid-late 50s.

Looked like an insurance guy.

Maybe an accountant.

He looked much older than his years.

Beat down from decades of doing a mundane job.

He bought some comics (for himself? his kids? grandkids?)

I tried a little small talk....nothing.

Shark eyes.

No twinkle at all.

What is this guys life like?

Nagging wife?

Big mortgage?

Crappy kids?

It is Hell, I assume.

Then a Creedence Clearwater song came on the radio.

I Heard It Through The Grapevine.

His eyes came alive.

Just a little.

His finger tapped his thigh.

I noticed.

ME: "I love Creedence!"

HIM: "Me too! I never hear them anymore."

(I thought...Why not? I hear them every day)

ME: "1970 was a great year. Creedence, comic books..."

HIM: "What's that other song he did...I like that. The baseball one."

ME: "Centerfield."

---

Point of the story?

I have no idea. Creedence perked up a day.

I actually kept my big mouth shut.

A young kid comes into the store.

Looks around.

Comes up to the counter.

Here is the conversation:

KID: "I have a roll of quarters in my pocket."

ME: ::::silence:::

KID: "I'll pay with these dollars."

ME: "Thank you."

Shenanigans!

TIME: Around 11:00 pm.

PLACE: Darkened room upstairs.

THE PLAYERS: Me and Wifey. (Or is that Wifey and I?)

SCENARIO: I started clowning around about something.


CONVERSATION THAT FOLLOWED:

WIFEY: "I'm not in the mood for your clowning!"

ME: "Okay."

----

(Wifey was hiding beside the bureau when she told me that)

My trip to the bank

BANK MANAGER TO EVERYONE IN BANK: "Did anybody leave this folder here?"

ME: "Is there any money in it?"

Ask Rodney King again!

Dear Rodney King,

I'm thinking of building a house. Should I use wood or brick?

Thank you,
Trayvon


---

Dear Trayvon,

Usually I would say brick, but for you I suggest wood. It looks nicer.

Good luck and have a great life!
Rodney King

I be digging.

A nice rational post about Trayvon

I've been reading a lot about the black kid and the pinkish/brownish Jewish guy who shot him.

I'm trying to see both sides of this story.

I finally came across this on a Facebook post. (I changed the address)

'BITCH FUCK DA MEDIA N U 2 I LOOK SUSPECIOUS ERR DAY SINCE DAT HAPPEN N IM BLACK WIT A HOODIE ON N DARE N.EBODY APPROACH ME IM GVEN HEAD SHOTS BITCH DO U WANT 1 CUM C ME ***** S. COTTAGE GROVE WE ALL SUITED N BOOTED'

---

So let's translate this:

The media is not to be trusted. African-American youth sometimes look suspicious because they dress in cultural garb. If you think you would like to argue with me in person feel free to come to my house. I have a gun and it is loaded with bullets. I might possibly shoot you in the head.



---

Suggested Band Names

As you probably heard, me and The Hoag have formed a band.

I came up with BOO.

Cake thinks we should be called YOU SUCK.

If it's one of those names the fans will be chanting our name at every gig*

Hoag wants to call it RidingBikes.

Fans probably won't chant that.

---

* job, concert.

My band

So last night on my way home I decided to start a band.

So I texted Hoag.

ME: "I'm starting a band....do you want to be my singer?"

HOAG: "Yes."

ME: "Cool, I'll book some gigs."


---

(us folks in Rock N Roll call jobs 'gigs')

Pretend the motorcycle is my car.

So last night Wifey and I go out to shop for a painting.

We find said painting.

Said painting is large.

Said painting doesn't fit in my back seat.

Said painting doesn't fit in my trunk.

I'm about solutions.

I tell Wifey to drive as I get in back seat.

Window down. Me facing the side of road holding said painting.

Said painting is just canvas and frame.

Said painting is not heavy.

Said painting flaps and goes airborne at around 25 miles an hour.

Wifey is amused as she goes about 28 miles an hour.

Cars behind us not amused.

Every so often Wifey has to pull over to the side of the road to let cars pass.

Did I mention it was cold out last night?

My hands are starting to cramp up.

"PULL OVER!"

I put gloves on.

Wifey is laughing at me. At the situation.

Heavy-footed Wildebeast likes to go fast.

Heavy-footed Wildebeast thinks it's funny when painting starts Orville-Wrighting down Lyman steeet.

"SLOW DOWN!"

Painting settles back down agaisnt car.

Hand cramping.

My neck kinda hurts from the odd angle I'm sitting.

I feel foolish.

The road we are on has more curves than Jayne Mansfield.

The painting keeps taking flight.

Somehow we make it home without me dropping the painting.

SO TO SUM UP:
You thought for sure this was gonna end with me dropping the painting, din'tcha?

NEW FEATURE: Ask Rodney King!

Dear Rodney,

How do I avoid trouble when I walk through white neighborhoods?

Thank you,
Trayvon


---

Dear Trayvon,

Always use caution when visting white neighborhoods. Try to blend in. Wear a hoodie so you don't stand out.

Best of luck,
Rodney King

Can't we all just get along?

Have a hoodsie today in honor of Trayvon.

Snippets from the last few days

WIFEY: "You make so much noise when you eat cereal!"

ME: "It's Capt. Crunch. It's supposed to be noisy."

----

Wifey was leaving the house. I went up to her to say goodbye. I proceeded to 'fist bump' her.

WIFEY: "I don't do that!"

We then proceeded to low-five each other.

----
I called up a restaurant for a reservation and I asked for the manager.

Here is the conversation:

ME: "Is Lonnie there?"

HOSTESS: "Let me check."

ME: "Okay."

:::a few moments later:::

HOSTESS: "What's your name?"

ME: "IANO" (I didn't really say IANO)

HOSTESS: "She is here if you have lemon cookies for her."
-------

ME: "I like those shoes."

WIFEY: "Last year you hated them."

ME: "Last year you wore them with capris."

WIFEY: "Not capris, ankle Levis."

ME: "They look good with today's pants."

WIFEY: "Okee Dokee, Tommy Hilfiger."

------

OLD LADY AT RESTAURANT: "I'm a bit woozy after that drink."

ME: "You should go home and have another. Go crazy."

OLD LADY AT RESTAURANT: :::giggle:::

-----

ME TEXTING HOAG: "I just had a cigarette."

HOAG TEXTING ME BACK: "Idiot."

----

WIFEY: "Why do you do that?"

ME: "Do what?"

WIFEY: "You hold your breath."

ME: "I don't hold my breath."

WIFEY: "You do! You inhale and then you hold it in. Then you make a loud noise as you exhale."

----

WIFEY TEXTING ME: "It's so nice out! I want a porch!"

ME TEXTING HER BACK: "I built one for you this morning."

When I eat pepperoni I have vivid dreams.

Last night I had sausage.

Sausage makes me dream about The Monkees and baseball.

I was sitting in section #1 of Fenway Park. The worst section of any ballpark in the world.

Luckily I was sitting with Davy Jones, Peter Tork, and Micky Dolenz.

Micky was a bit cranky. The other two were nice.

Peter had on an ID bracelet.

It was engraved with one word in bold lettering.

CLARKSVILLE.

And that my friends took all of 38 seconds to tell.

Jews are funny. Clowns are funny. Put them together?

Not so funny.

Conversation with my daughter

DAUGHTER: "You kmow...Grandpa is the best man in the world."

ME: :::eyebrow raised:::

DAUGHTER: "After you."

ME: "Nice save."

Massage my penis and I enjoy it for a day. Teach me how to massage my penis and I enjoy it for a lifetime!

So I have a new crazy guy that comes in the shop.

Today he started spouting off on how TV is ruining people and society.

Then he said some weird bible verses.

Then he asked if he could massage my penis.

Here is the rest of the conversation:

ME: "YOU CAN'T SAY STUFF LIKE THAT TO ME!!"

MASSAGE PENIS GUY: "I said nothing for you to show such outrage."

ME: "Yes you did! You can't talk like that in my store!"

MASSAGE PENIS GUY: "I said it the proper way."

----

The Life of Brian

So I had a long time customer named Brian (I didn't actually 'have' him...he just shopped here)

Anyhow...

So about 3 years ago he moved away.

He was in the area yesterday and he stopped by.

Here is the conversation:

BRIAN: "WOW! You haven't changed at all!"

----

So to sum up:

He was gone for around 3 years....did he think I'd have a beard down to my knees? I'd be fat and bald? Sixteen grandchildren?

(He was a bit fatter than I remembered)

I have a thing for parachutes.

This might be my all time favorite blog post..

So I'm at a party last night and I notice Bill has a new iPhone.

We go over apps. He starts showing me his pix.

Lots of pictures from where he works.

Some animal thing. Not really sure exactly.

Anyhow...we come to this picture. A real picture. Not photoshopped.

It's a dog head. Bill has a reason to have a picture of a dog head on a table.

I don't.


Bill also mentioned that he has a picture of his arm up a horse vagina.

(I'll post that when I get it)

He also mentioned that sometimes he'll be on a business trip and a shipment of frozen dog heads will come in.

They thaw them out in the hotel bathtub.

I read this on Facebook so it must be true.

Women only like to be called one thing that begins with the letter B.

Them bitches LOVE being called beautiful!

I'm going to leave today's post untitled otherwise I'd have to put the word Asshole in it.

So a guy calls me the other day and asks if he can bring in some stuff to sell me.

I say sure. He brings it in.

Transaction complete.

Here is the conversation that followed.

HIM: "Well, it was good seeing you're still here."

ME: "Thanks...almost 29 years here."

HIM: "I haven't been in this store since Dan Levine worked here."

ME: "A Dan Levine never worked here."

HIM: "It was probably before your time."

ME: "Nope...I'm the owner, I know everybody that has ever worked here."

HIM: "You probably can't remember them all. No big deal."

ME: "Trust me, Dan Levine never worked here. Maybe you're thinking of another shop?"

HIM: "Nope, I used to come in all the time when Dan worked here."

ME: "Cool. Thanks for coming in. Tell Dan I said Hi."

----

So to sum up:
Dan Levine never worked here. I've never met a Dan Levine.

Obviously.

WIFEY: "You're not obviously gay."

ME: "I know."