Who doesn't love a good old fashioned human stampede?

So yesterday, on Black Friday, tons of rampaging stampeding yahoos stormed through a Wal-Mart (Hell-Mart) and proceeded to kill a guy.

Sounds bad, correct?

But wouldn't you say the following bargains were worth the death of one temporary Wal-Mart clerk?

//////Items on sale at the Valley Stream Wal-Mart included a Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV for $798, a Bissel Compact Upright Vacuum for $28, a Samsung 10.2 megapixel digital camera for $69 and DVDs such as "The Incredible Hulk" for $9.//////

I mean let's get real for a second....The Incredible Hulk DVD for only nine dollars??

SO TO SUM UP:
$9.00 Hulk DVD=Death.

Snippets of conversation overheard at the I Aint No Oprah Family Thanksgiving.

WIFEY: "I hate Thanksgiving!"

------------

WIFEY: "Thank you for your help."

ME: "Thank YOU for YOUR help."

------------

YOUNGEST: "I nicknamed mine...Left and Right."

-----------

BROTHER-IN-LAW: "Wanna see my new Cadillac? I traded a shed for it."

----------

OLDEST TO AUNTIE: "You smell good."

ME: "That's because she just hugged me."

-----------

BROTHER-IN-LAW: "Why don't you come on a cruise with us?"

WIFEY: "I'm afraid of water."

----------

ME: "Did you know my buddy Maddog has never eaten pie or butternut squash."

-------------

YOUNGEST: "If it has seeds, it's a fruit."

ME: "What about butternut squash?"

YOUNGEST: "It's a fruit."

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George Bush talks with a Chinese Turkey

BUSH: "Hello, Chinese Turkey!"

CHINESE TURKEY: "Hello Mr. President!"

BUSH: "So how are you doing this splendid day before Thanksgiving?"

CHINESE TURKEY: "I'm doing well....and you?

BUSH: "Dandy."

CHINESE TURKEY: "We don't have any kind of a bit going, do we?"

BUSH: "Nope...but we could if you talked in a funny chinese accent."

CHINESE TURKEY: "Wouldn't be funnier if we pulled the old switcheroo and YOU talked in a chinese accent?"

BUSH: "Nah."

CHINESE TURKEY: "Happy Thanksgiving!"

BUSH: "You too."

"Give me a hug."

ME: "Give me a hug."

WIFEY: "I'm not giving you a hug."

ME: "Why not??"

WIFEY: "You have dog all over you."

ME: "I don't have dog all over me."

WIFEY: "Well, you have 'Dog Aura' all over you."

------

SO TO SUM UP:

Someone has an unrational fear of dog fur.

Interview with The Chinese Guy

ME: "Hi, Chinese Guy, sorry I'm late!"

CHINESE GUY: "Hi."

ME: "How long were you waiting?"

CHINESE GUY: "Ten a minute."

ME: "How long can you stay and chat?"

CHINESE GUY: "Ten a minute."

ME: "Okay then we'll get right to it...Who is your favorite character from the Wizard of Oz?"

CHINESE GUY: "The Tin a Men."

ME: "No offense, but your breath kinda stinks...would you like a Certs?"

CHINESE GUY: "Ten a Mints!"

ME: "Back many years ago there was lots of trouble in your country with students protesting something...where was that again?"

CHINESE GUY: "Tiananmen."

ME: "Favorite Kevin Costner film?"

CHINESE GUY: "Tin a Cup"

ME: "This bit isn't working, is it?

CHINESE GUY: "Nope."

ME: "When were you aware it wasn't working?"

CHINESE GUY: "Ten a minutes ago."

ME: "Favorite animal actor?"

CHINESE GUY: "Rin a Tin a Tin"

ME: "Still not working, is it?"

CHINESE GUY: "Nope."

Possibly the dumbest thing I've ever written about.

The following is true. Not overly funny or even interesting.

But true.

I got the newest issue of National Geographic and there is an article about King Herod of Judea in it.

He was in power around 30 BC or so.

His first wife's name was Doris.

Doris??

(my first wife's name is Wifey)

John Lennon still claims he's bigger than Christ. So there.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=6313228

Catholics are just so stupid. Incredibly stupid.

An Interview With Lee Harvey Oswald on the 45th anniversary of the Death of JFK

IANO: "Hi Lee! Whatcha been doing?"

LEE: "Just hangin' out alone."

IANO: "May I ask you some questions?"

LEE: "Go ahead...shoot."

IANO: "Who is your favorite football coach?"

LEE: "Chuck Knoll...Pittsburgh."

IANO: "Favorite John Wayne movie?"

LEE: "The Shootist."

IANO: "Why do you like being in one-man plays so much?"

LEE: "I like acting alone."

IANO: "Favorite family movie?"

LEE: "Home Alone."

IANO: "Favorite Jimmy Stewart movie?"

LEE: "Harvey."

IANO: "Favorite old TV show?"

LEE: "Dallas."

IANO: "Thank you for your time."

LEE: "Thank you."

Obama you stupid, stupid, moron.

I'm hideous.



I'm shrill!



I cause vomiting.


I'm repulsive.


I smell bad.


I have an engorged penis.



I have no womb.


I frighten children.


And dogs.


I'm a beast.



I don't shave my legs.



Though I do shave my balls.


Lesbians hate me because I'm such a pig.


I possibly had Vince Foster killed.


My middle name is Wretched Whore. Really.


I kill raccoons for sport and use their pelts for tampons.


Vomit was named for me.



So was BLECCH!


I have space spores on my genitals.


I am the cause of all that is bad in the world.


I've never done any good in my life.


I love the NY Yankees.


I could make the flu sick.

Obama is just another puppet

If this story about him tapping Hillary as his Secretary of State is correct.

http://www.foxnews.com/politics/elections/2008/11/21/report-hillary-clinton-accepts-secretary-state-nod/

Why on earth would he want this assrag in his cabinet?

Was it part of some pre-election 'deal'?

Change. Change. Change.

That's all we heard and now he wants this bitch in his inner circle??

Obama, like Hitler, only has one testicle.

Well, actually, now that he's picked Hillary, he has three testicles.

SO TO SUM UP:

Dear Barack,

You tiny little coward of a man.

You disappoint. And only two weeks in.

Love,
IANO

The Bloody Finger

::phone rings, no caller ID number shows::

ME: "Hello!"

TBF: ::super creepy voice:: "I AM THE BLOODY FINGER AND I'M ONLY A FEW MILES AWAY!"

ME: ::hangs up::

::phone rings a few minutes later::

ME: "Hello!"

TBF: "I AM THE BLOODY FINGER AND I'M ONLY A TWO MILES AWAY!"

ME: "Very funny...knock it off." ::hangs up::

::phone rings about 5 minutes later::

ME: ::a bit nervous:: "Hello?"

TBF: "I AM THE BLOODY FINGER AND I'M LESS THAN ONE MILE AWAY!"

----

Now I'm getting a bit more nervous. It's clearly not any of my friends playing a joke or anything.

::phone rings::

ME: "Hello?"

TBF: "I AM THE BLOODY FINGER AND I'M ONLY 7 HOUSES AWAY FROM YOU!"

ME: "Knock it off loser! And stop calling!"

{lucikly Wifey and the kids aren't home, but the puppy is going nuts! Barking (Howling?) at the front door!}

::phone rings::

ME: "Now listen, Asshole..."

TBF: ::super creepy voice:: "I AM THE BLOODY FINGER AND I'M STANDING ON YOUR DRIVEWAY!"

ME: ::I'm just about to call the police when there is a knock on my frontdoor... and for some stupid reason I open it!!:


And there, standing at my door, is the largest, creepiest guy you've ever seen in your life.

TBF: ::super creepy voice:: "I AM THE BLOODY FINGER.....do you have a Band-Aid?"

---------

The above story might or might not be true.

Doctor Romance

ME: "Would you like to renew our wedding vows?"

WIFEY: "No."

The only change it appears we'll see is .49 cents after a Taco Bell run. Or something.

Possibly the best illness EVER!

//////For as long as she could remember a 60-year-old British woman, known only as KH, has been unable to recognize voices, not even the voice of her own daughter. Unless she sees the face of the person speaking, she often has no idea who is talking to her. If her daughter calls on the phone, or an unseen colleague from work says something to her, it’s as if she’s hearing the voice for the first time.



Except when Sean Connery speaks.////////////////////

For more of the story:


http://bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/11/18/1679578.aspx

Literally or figuratively?...I always get them confused.

///////PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. — A man faces a domestic battery charge after allegedly hitting his girlfriend with a sandwich as she was driving.

Police said the 19-year-old man became angry and hit the woman in the arm and face with a sandwich, knocking her glasses off, as she was driving along Interstate 95 on Friday.//////////////////

Now I'm POSITIVE there are other races out there...

Seems the other day NASA sent some astronauts up to the International Space Station to clean it. Why the astronauts up there couldn't clean it is beyond me.

And my first racist thought was that they were probably Mexican and or Puerto Rican astronauts.

And then yesterday THIS http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,453845,00.html HAPPENED.

Now my next racist thought was that these tools were "lost" by Italian Astronauts.

Or maybe teenager astronauts.

Or Democrats.

Or something.

SO TO SUM UP:

"In space no one can hear you clean."

Admit it...you're gonna miss him.