The Vomit Hall Of Fame

I have three nominees I'd like to submit.

1. I'm not much of drinker and never have been (uh-oh)...well this one night Waldo somehow got me to have a shot of Peppermint Schnapps (uh-oh) and another. And another. And then we went over to Kareens house and I drank a pint(?) or more of the same. Have you ever drank Peppermint Schnapps? It's like 60 proof liquid candy. So anyhow while on the way home and trying to impress the woman I was with I said "Could you please pull over for a second" That 'second' turned into about 20 minutes of me vomiting all over the streets of SmallTown USA. Did I impress that woman? You bet. She married me. (even just a smell of Peppermint Schnapps 26 years later makes me hurl)

2. I decided I'd have a 'special father/daughter day' with my youngest when she was about 6 years old. I took her to this old amusement park (uh-oh) called Whalom Park. Wooded roller coasters, Tilt-a-Whirls (uh-oh), the Octopus (uh-oh), fried dough (uh-oh), numerous hot-dogs (uh-oh), and sweltering humidity (uh-oh)...needless to say I'm feeling a bit queasy and don't really feel like going on any more rides when Youngest points to these lame swings that go around in a slow gentle circle....but they're way up high (uh-oh)...so we get on and the more it goes around the more I know its bye-bye fried dough, see ya later Mr. Oscar Meyer and family. So I signal to the ride operator to STOP THE RIDE! (I think I yelled "STOP THE RIDE") and he did.

I staggered off the ride and told Youngest to follow me to the bathroom.....and then the most massive explosion of vomit ever flew from my mouth...must have gone 10 yards! It put the PRO in Projectile Vomiting. And Youngest just started laughing and laughing at me. She still laughs at me. Vomit is always funny.

3. Though not as good as the above, me and Waldo were once at Rocky Point Park in Rhode Island trying to impress two girls with our skills at riding carnival rides....after what seemed like an hour of being spun and hurled through space we got off and both ran to the mens room to...you know....wash our hands and comb our hair. Did we impress the girls? I sure did. I married one of them.

Moral of the story?

Chicks no matter how old just love vomit. Or me vomiting. Or maybe just my wife and daughter love vomit.

Do you have any vomit stories worthy of the Hall of Fame?

I love being married to the insane.

So I'm getting ready to go to bed last night when this conversation happens:

CrazyInsaneWife: "You know...you look like Walter Matthau"

ME: "WHAT????"

CrazyInsaneWife: "I didn't mean that in a bad way"

The conversation pretty much ended there because I realized I was talking to a totally insane non-rational person. There is no way to tell a man he looks like Walter Matthau in a 'good way'.

It's like me telling the ugliest woman on earth "You know Whoopi...you kinda look like Hillary Clinton"

WHOOPI: "What????!!!!!"

Moral of the story:

Never tell a man he looks like Walter Matthau and never tell a woman she looks like Hillary Clinton. Not even in a good way. There is no good way.

PS:
I look nothing like Walter Matthau. Or Hillary Clinton.

PSS:
Or Whoopi Goldberg

These people put the Phun in Phunerals

There's nothing like a good funeral to put you in a good mood. Even a bad funeral can have great moments. Here are just a few of mine.

1. It's at my sister's funeral in 1989 when Hoagy's Dad walks up to me, gives me a firm dry handshake, and says..."Congratulations!" (And you thought YOU didn't know what to say to folks at a funeral)

2. Bemisdown's Mom (Bemisdown formerly known as the artist...Momenger) died years ago and Bemisdown showed up wearing this painted on forming fitting RED dress showing off every delightful curve of her curvy little body. All the guys in the room couldn't wait for more of her family to die off.

3. Cousin Saul and Fairilyn's son Atom died when he was around 20 years old. Nothing is worse than when a child dies (actually I'm sure there is something, but I digress)...anyhow when someone that young dies you need a big place to hold the services...a traditional Funeral Home just can't handle the crowds. So Saul and Fairilyn used the gym (fieldhouse?) at their daughters school. I'm guessing around 500-600 people showed up at the service. Young people. Lots and lots of teens and 20 somethings. Most of them had those green glow sticks. Singing. Eulogies. Memories. And then something kinda neat happened. Cousin Saul asked if anyone wanted to sign the coffin. They had a large basket filled with colored Sharpies and folks started lining up to sign said coffin. Hundreds of people writing messages on a coffin is just about as cool as it gets...

4. Again at my sister's funeral: When her ex-husband came running in and threw himself on the coffin screaming and sobbing. That was pretty cool.

Any wacky funeral stories in your closet?

Things are always sadder when they are divisible by 5.

Hearing from Howard Stern that the US was under attack and instantly believing him.

Trying to contact my wife and not being able to.

Clinky in New York and getting his 'man on the street' updates.

Calling Sparkle and persuading her to get home where it was safer.

Hoagy stuck in London. Hoagy stuck in Canada.

Neighbors stuck in Texas.

Getting home and hugging my wife and kids.

American flags everywhere.

CNN. CNN. CNN.


Where were you?

At least it wasn't about Pearl Harbor, Lincoln, or Kennedy

Seems a few people got upset at yesterday's blog.

I never knew Bob Dylan was so popular.

A truly horrific 5th anniversary is almost upon us.

The screams.

I'll never forget the screams of horror that gorgeous September 11th day. How such a terrible thing could be thrust upon the world is beyond me. Sometimes I wake at night thinking of how bad that sucked. One of the worst things ever. Just thinking of it makes me ill...makes me mad.

People woke up that gorgeous 2001 morning and had no idea what they were in for.

September 11, 2001. The day Bob Dylan released his Love and Theft album.

The horror.

The horror.

I'll never forget. I also do my best to keep it from happening again.

God Bless America...except for Bob Dylan.

Not claw...craw!

This has been stuck in my craw for years now. I must vent.

Every year or so Burger King or McDonalds will have a .99 cents Big Mac special or a .99 cents Whopper special and then in small letters will have the disclaimer: PRICES MAY VARY

Dear Douchebags,

Guess what?

If it's a .99 cent special the price CANNOT vary. I hope you die.

I know ,I know...you're professional drivers on a closed course...

Losers.

Katie needs a sign-off

Every network newsperson always has a special 'sign-off.' Remember Dan Rather and his sign-off of "Courage." Sometimes something simple from someone I forget..."Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow" Or Mork when he was doing the news..."na-news, na-news" and on and on...

Well, Katie Couric doesn't have a sign-off yet and has asked viewers to send in their ideas.

Last night she ended with "And dats da news, Niggaz!"

Mel Gibson sent in tonight's sign-off "No Jews is good news!"

That Mexican dude from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre sent in the classic "News? News? We don't need no stinking news!"

I can't wait for tomorrow...any ideas?

The I AINT NO OPRAH Quiz

Let's see how close you've been paying attention:

THE I AINT NO OPRAH FIRST ANNUAL QUIZ AND CLAMBAKE

The best Hoagy based blog was:

a) The switchblade comb story
b) The bloody Kotex story
c) Grooving in the handicapped seats story.
d) Donating all his time to the children's burn ward story

The poster who just posts too damn much:
a) Mr. Cake
b) Devil's Cake
c) Cake
d) Ms Cake

The poster who is usually strung out on puppy dope:
a) Momenger
b) Bemisdown
c) Anunomess
d)MotherofGawd
e) all of the above

I AINT NO OPRAH's Favorite subject:
a) Hitler
b) Hoagy
c) Mel Gibson
d) Douchebags
e) retards

My favorite daughter:
a) My oldest
b) My youngest
c) Somebody else's.

Favorite poster from New Zealand:
a) Sparkle Plenty
b) Lois Lane
c) The Gal from New Zealand

Winner of the first deadpool:
a) PwDonz
b) Ann
c) Cousin Saul

Loser of the first deadpool:
a) Steve Irwin

Least likely to attend a Star Trek Convention:
a)Phil Donahue's Niece
b) Steve Irwin

Did Momenger become:
a) StuckWithGiantBreasts
b) BushMakesHerSick
c) Bemisdown

Big word award should go to:
a) Sparkle Plenty
b) Sparkle Plenty
c) Sparkle Plenty
d)MotherofGawd
e) Some other douchebag retard.

John Kerry is a:
a) douchebag
b) retard
c) The junior yet esteemed Senator from Massachusetts.
d) Baby killin' loser.

Who is the King of the Non-sequitur

a) Clinky
b) Aquaman
c) Gazongalicious
d) Paul from Montreal
e) A & D

Who has the sexiest eyes:
a) Lois Lane
b) Cake
c) I aint no Oprah

Who is neither Roger or a Shrubber
a) Roger the Shrubber

Who most needs to do a real daily thought provoking blog:
a) Anunomess
b) Hoagy (his stupid Comb blog just isn't cutting it)

Who needs to post more:
a) T
b) Cousin Saul
c) Paul
d) Frank
e) Steve
f) Forry
g) My wife
h) One of my kids
i) But just my favorite
j) Bruce
k)More Jews
l) More Republicans
m) All you douchebag retarded lurkers.

Part Two will be a surprise quiz coming soon.

Let's see what's happening in Katie's neck of the woods...

Well, today is the big day for Katie Couric and the start of her historic reign on the CBS Evening News. Walter Cronkite and Dan Rather sat in that chair along with that old dude the last couple months. Now it's Katherine's turn.

Here is how Katie will ready herself for the big night and what she'll do in the coming years.

a) She will go cold turkey on the perky pills.

b) She will mainline dour dope into her veins.

c) She will pray for an assassination or natural disaster.

d) She will somehow figure out how to show off her legs (she has great legs!)...maybe walking to her anchor desk...maybe in one of those walking interviews. She'll figure it out.

e) She will practice how to put on and take off her glasses for dramatic effect.

f) She'll toss in a y'all or two. She likes to say y'all.

g) She will practice her giggle for end of news feel good story.

h) She will come up with a tagline...but not this first week. It will have the word America in it.

i) She will utter the phrase "In the proud tradition of Walter Cronkite and Dan Rather" (and I will spit up my milk)

j) Nothing for the letter J

k) She will appear on Letterman often (to show off her legs in a more informal setting)

l) She'll ask the tough questions ( "What's the best way to store blankets in the summer?" and "Is it best to exercise before or after a meal?")

m) She will say stingray and then mention how "terribly sad this is...those poor children" (I will spit milk out when she does so.)

n) She will make America feel good again. For maybe two weeks.

o) She will do a network 'special' on Hillary Clinton (she will make sure both of their legs are showing....making hers look WAY better in comparison)

p) Next Monday she'll remember 9/11 and how it changed ALL of our lives.

And she'll do a bunch of other goofy stuff that'll drive us all nuts.

A swift and strong response

George W. Bush has sworn to apply a swift and strong response to North Korea (or Iran) for the untimely death of Steve 'Crocodile Hunter'Irwin.

Bush also stated that America will not bow down from the killing of any of our reptile hunters. America will not be held hostage to this kind of terrorist activity.

From now to eternity this day will be known as 9/4.

Godspeed Croc Hunter!

Hurricane Katrina: About a year later.

With this being roughly the first anniversary of Hurricane Katrina (or 8/29 as it more commonly known as) I thought it time to reveal a few things that me and the Bush Administration know.

The levee in New Orleans was sabotaged by either the North Koreans or maybe the Iranians just before the twister hit. The aftermath resulted in the death of dozens of people, hundreds of dogs, a few cats, and damages in the thousands and thousands of dollars.

Justice will be served ::winkwink::.

Don't Stop Thinkin' About Tomorrow

There is a good chance that Hillary Clinton will be the next Democratic candidate for the Presidency (because of the Left Wing Conspiracy) and us Republicans are salivating at the thought. Two things can happen....she'll get trounced by the Republicans, or even better....she'll win and then we can make fun of her for 4 years.

If she wins we can look forward to:

1. The first set of cankles (thats where the ankle and calf are hard to distinguish from one another) in the White House since Taft.

2. Bill Clinton as First ::snicker:: Lady

3. The new china pattern picked out by Bill for The White House dining room.

4. Bill Clinton's first White House tea....maybe some of those little watercress finger sandwiches would be nice.

5. Hillary's official portrait hanging in the 'ugly wing' next to the Abe Lincoln and Jimmy Carter ones.

6. Hillary getting caught with her lesbian intern in the Oval Office.

7. Bill getting caught with Hillary's lesbian intern in the Oval Office.

8. Bill giving a tour of the White House at Christmas time to Katie Couric...showing off all the hand made ornaments and crap...saying things like "Isn't this snowman just adorable"

9. Hillary freakin' out when the ghost of Vince Foster pays her a nighttime visit.

10. Land scandals.

I'm tingly just thinkin about it! Win or lose I win.

Our friend...the sugar frosted flake.

In my lifetime I've met dozens of people and not one of them dislikes Kellogg's Sugar Frosted Flakes. And why would they dislike them? They're made of sugar, frost, and flakes. That my friends is a trifecta of perfection. No other food is as universally loved as the flake with the sugar and the frost. They're not just g-g-g-reat! They're a-a-a-a-awesome!

You put sugar and frost on just about anything and it instantly becomes better. You put sugar and frost on a flake and you have Sugar Frosted Flakes. And joy.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you John Kerry.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you a douchebag.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you retard.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you stupid.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you a Special K loving broad with a Thighroid problem.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you....you know...something.

Show me a person that doesn't like Sugar Frosted Flakes and I'll show you someone I just don't want to know.

(Brownies are pretty g-g-g-reat! also.)

Reason #237 why I hate Barbra Steisand's filthy guts

Barbra explaining why she's going back out on tour:

"The increasingly urgent need for private citizen support to combat dangerous climate change, along with education and health issues was the prime reason I decided to tour again," she said. "This will allow me to direct funds and awareness to causes that I care deeply about."

Bite me you pompous asshole.

The proper way to eat proper foods.

Everyone knows that when eating an Oreo cookie that you break apart both cookies, eat stuffing, and then finish off cookies.

Let's discuss the proper way of eating other foods...shall we?

1. The Ice Cream Sandwich or better known as 'The friend of millions': Carefully unwrap said sandwich. Discard wrapper. In a clockwise fashion run your tongue at least one lap around entire edge tasting the ice cream. After said sandwich is tidy...wolf down. Lick fingers of remains of the chocolate wafer stuff.

2. Pizza: Must be in triangular shape (square slices are for losers) Hold pointed part with tips of all four fingers and thumb and then eat from narrowest to widest. Save crust until last.

3. Hot Dog: Must only be eaten from one end. No exceptions. Hot Dog CANNOT be longer than bun.

4. Taco: Cock head to the left, eat left to right. Pick up scraps with fingers and eat.

5. Steak: Only cut the piece you're about to eat. And always start at the narrowest part of said steak. Only losers cut up the steak into bite size pieces first.

6. McDonalds Apple Pie: eat however you want...just end the dining with a smile of satisfaction.

7. BBQ Back Ribs: One rib at time, fingers licked after each rib, wipe fingers on Hoagy afterwards...back or shoulders only.

8. KFC chicken: Large part of drumstick MUST be on the left side, strip said drumstick of its skin, eat skin, twirl from the right as needed to finish off the skinless chicken. Wipe hands on Hoagy...back or shoulders only.

9. Spaghetti: Twirl spaghetti on fork, shove in mouth making sure dangling spaghetti leaves a satisfying sauce stain on chin....wipe with back of hand. Wipe on Hoagy...back or shoulders only.

So many more...so little time.

Tragic Plane Crash In Kentucky

And this was in the story about it:



"The burned bodies of the 49 victims were removed from the plane on Sunday and taken to the state Medical Examiner's Office in Frankfort for autopsies to determine the cause of death. Fayette County Coroner Gary Ginn said Sunday that they likely died in the fire."


Being a coroner aint really all that hard, is it?

1st Annual Blog about the magic that is the Emmy Awards

The Emmy Awards always end with more questions than answers...or something.

1. So Stephen Colbert loses to Barry Manilow. Why are they even in the same category? One does fake news while the other does fake music. Stupid.

2. Were you as relieved as I was that Bob Newhart didn't ended up dying?

3. Were you as touched and saddened as I was when they wheeled out Dick Clark's retarded grandfather?

4. Weren't you POSITIVE that Farrah Fawcett was gonna embarrass herself?

5. Did you even know Seinfeld was still on the air? And were you surprised to see Elaine win the Emmy?

6. Hollywood really shined last night, huh?

7. Were you surprised by Mel Gibson's comment about how happy he was that a nice Catholic boy like Conan O'Brien was hosting the show instead of a filthy Jew like Jon Stewart?

8. Were you surprised that there wasn't even a single mention of Katie Couric taking over the Nightly News and the excitement that is sweeping over America?

9. Who the hell is Emmy?

All you need to know about Women's Roller Derby

I went last night...here is all you need to know.

THE PLAYERS:

(This isn't all of them...just the most clever)
Crazy Dukes
Iron Maidenform
Hysterica
HelaSkelter
Stevie Kicks
Hyper Lynx
Sweey Cheery Pie
Surly Temple
and my favorite...
Suzy Hot Rod

THE REFEREES:

Ben D. Rules
Jeff R. Ree

THE CROWD:
Lesbians
Lesbians
Me and Clinky
Lesbians

The Uniforms:
Fishnets (I LOVE ME THE ROLLER DERBY!)
Little Shorts.
Little Skirts.
Tattoos
Body Piercings

The Game:
The Riviters kicked Gotham Gals ass.

Would I go again?:
D'uh....girls in fishnets on roller skates. Big yes!

Chicago or busts?

So last night I decide to pop in the dvd of Chicago I've had kicking around. Richard Gere, Catharine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellwiger. Dancing, singing, costume changes, big production numbers!

I'm loving it!

Probably too much.

And tonight I'm going to Women's Roller Derby. Really. Scantily clad Roller Derby broads. And fights. Hot chicks fighting hot chicks while on roller skates! And hot dogs and popcorn and coke (oh my). And I'm gonna drive there fast....cursing out people, flipping the bird. I'll be spitting as needed. Possibly a burp or two. I might even take up two spots in the parking garage. I'm a man and it's my world.

I am SO gonna over compensate for loving CHICAGO.

Goering and the 'Coons

Ever hear of Hermann Goering? Well, he was one Hitler's most trusted and how shall we say it...most flamboyant of Generals. He liked to wear makeup. Frilly undergarments. Dresses and flashy coats. Did up his fingernails. All sorts of girlie things. And he was a very LARGE man so he didn't even look hot when dressed up. And he was the head of the air force. Depleted just about every museum of their paintings. Freakish, crossdressin,' thievin' Luftwaffe General. But Adolf liked him...maybe cuz Hitler knew he'd look normal in comparison. Or maybe they just swapped dresses and recipes.


So anyhow in the 1930s Goering decided to release a pair of raccoons ('coons are from North America...or so Hoagy tells me) into the German wilderness to "enrich the Reich's fauna." and now decades later Germany is crawling with raccoons.

Hitler hated raccoons.



The point of the story?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to release raccoons into prewar Germany and you'll have the Germans feeding raccoons for centuries.

(A special thanks to Hoagy for sending me an email about Goering and the Raccoons....without that email this post would not have been possible.)

You aint no planet

From the AP wire services:

"PRAGUE, Czech Republic (Aug. 24) - Leading astronomers approved historic new planet guidelines Thursday -- downsizing Earth's neighborhood from nine principal heavenly bodies to eight by demoting distant Pluto."

This is just Goofy.

Life on Planet Frito

I think all sane people can agree that Frito Brand Corn Chips are the quintessential salted snack food (followed closely by Mister Salty Pretzels and Planters Cashews)

Now take a look at that bag of Fritos that are on your desk. Hopefully you have the regular Fritos and not the Frito Scoops (though Frito Scoops are actually better)...on the bag is a picture of like 8 or 9 corn chips and in small lettering on the bag it states: IMAGE IS ENLARGED TO SHOW TEXTURE.

Are we really buying Fritos for their texture? Don't we buy sofas and sweaters for their texture? We buy Fritos for their goodness. Their salty goodness.

So anyhow I became mesmerized by that image of enlarged Fritos Brand Corn Chips and their texture. I scanned in the bag to my computer and enlarged the image a bit more. And saw roads.

I enlarged it a bit more and saw buildings and mountains and malls. I kept enlarging the image more and more and I saw entire towns and cities and people and cars and rivers. Each tasty Frito is a world of it's own.

And on each Frito the people look human and American. And everyone drives new cars and is attractive and rich. And on Planet Frito there is only one snack food and it is made of corn and chips. It's a wonderful world. People are happy.

Today I'm gonna kill about 60 Planet Fritos and all of their inhabitants.

Sorry.

Naughty Bits

These are all true things, but by themselves aren't quite worthy (HA!) of a complete blog.

1. I had to borrow a formal winter coat from Hoag for this funeral.... I'm standing at the gravesite grieving when I put my hands in the pockets. Every pocket was just jammed with condoms. (See? Not worthy of a full blog)

2. When Cousin Saul goes to Disney World he insists on asking Disney employees where Shamu is and when is his next performance. When said employee informs him that Shamu is at Sea World Cousin Saul then asks again but now with a blank stare on his face.

3. As a kid my whole family was going to Disneyland but before we went we stopped at the local 7-11 for some candy. When we got to Disneyland (over an hour away) my Mom asked what one of us did with our candy wrapper. When informed that said wrapper was discarded on parking lot Mom turned around and drove back to make the culprit pick up wrapper.

4. Once while playing poker at my Moms house, Mom informed us it was time for dinner....when nobody answered or paid her any attention she proceeded to dump the large pot of spaghetti and sauce all over our poker table. I lost with two pair.

5. Cousin Saul once won everything (EVERYTHING) I owned in a poker game.

6. Clinky once worked at my store while I was away...when I returned every piece of product in the store was turned upside down.

7. The first time I went to buy condoms I was very nervous about it and never wanted to have buy them again because of some weird embarrassment....so I bought about 300 of them. Anyone need 298 condoms?

8. In New York City Hoag once got caught looking through a fence as two people fornicated and was then called a 'jive turkey' by a passerby. He's always been kinda proud of that.

9. I once got caught smoking pot in the auditorium during freshmen year of High School. I did what any kid would do...I passed the joint to the teacher who finished it off with me. She was pretty cool.

10. I once slept with one of Hoags girlfriends but never told him.

11. I once got notification in the mail that there was an outstanding warrant out for my arrest. Turns out I didn't return some library books. Really.

12. I made up #10

By themselves lame, together a masterpiece.

My non-funny Rodney Dangerfield story.

So back in the 1980s me and The Hoag go down to New York City for some secret mission and while down there we decide to go see Rodney Dangerfield perform at a little place around 61st street called Dangerfield's. Rodney owned this little restaurant/club thingy and we thought it would be cool.

It was this small club that maybe sat 100 people, tiny little tables to eat on, and steaks to die for.

But there was one hitch....for some reason Rodney didn't feel like performing on this particular night and up came Larry Storch (Cpl. Agarn on the old F-Troop show)....now I don't know about you, but seeing Larry Storch instead of Rodney just wasn't gonna cut it. But we had no choice. Luckily the steaks were good. Steaks are always good when things are going bad.

And then it happened. Half way through Agarns set, guess who sat next to us? Yup. Rodney.

And he's got a gorgeous babe at his side. Bottle of hooch on the table. Chain smoking cigarettes. Eating beef. Makin' comments left and right. You know...being Rodney.

At this point we're pretty much not listening to Larry Storch anymore. And then Rodney does something I thought odd. He lights up a joint. Marijuana. Ol' Mary Jane. Reefer. Wacky Weed. And then hands it to Hoag. And Hoag starts sharing a joint with Rodney (At that point in time Hoag doesn't smoke pot)....and then hands it to me. Well I don't smoke pot either, but certainly don't want to disrespect Rodney Dangerfield so I take a pretend 'hit' or two and pass it back to Rodney. The whole while Rodney is in character. Shifting his weight around. Eyes bugging out. Looking at chicks.

And then Hoag asks him if he has any cocaine...



And that my friends is my non-funny Rodney Dangerfield story.

Moral of the story:
Don't ever pay to see Larry Storch unless Rodney Dangerfield smokes dope with you.

Brainstorming

I don't usually like to talk about my daughters on this blog because it could get creepy but I'll tell this short story anyhow.

Yesterday I overheard my 20 year old talking on the phone with a friend and she said something like this:

"Let's get together and we'll brainstorm and figure everything out"

Now what kinda retard uses the phrase 'brainstorm'?

My retarded daughter....that's who!


Now I have a question for all of you:

Do you think I'll spend the rest of my life making fun or her for 'brainstorming' or will I just let it quietly fade away sparing her any future embarrassement?

Thank god it wasn't retcin...

I aint feeling too well this morning. Last night I had way, way, WAY too much riboflavin.

Tonight I'm going to a party and I can already tell I'm gonna be hangin' around the niacin platter all night. Hopefully I'll be back on Monday.

My first encounter with Reggie Jackson

I thought today would be a good time to tell this story.

The New York Yankees are in Boston this weekend for 5 gigantic games (actually the games are the same size)... If Sept. 11th had happened during a Yankees/Red Sox series it might have made page 2 of the papers.

For the next 4 days all you'll hear on the news is Yankees this, Red Sox that. Every person you encounter will ask: "What's the score?" or "Did you see that game last night?" or "Posada...what a douchebag, huh?" or "What the heck is a Matsui anyhow?" and on and on. One way or the other it's gonna be glorious.

But not as glorious as that summer of 1978 (look it up) In 1978 Reggie Jackson played right field for the Yankees and was almost as big as the game (figuratively not literally...or do I mean the former or the latter??) Reggie was the most egocentric, self-centered Me. Me. Me player ever. He always referred to himself in the third person...or was it the first person? (maybe it was the former....could be the latter)....folks hated him. But he was good. Real good. Hall of Fame good.

....so anyhow I get tickets for a game at Fenway like everybody who has ever lived in New England gets at one time or another (unless of course your brain is the size of a tea bag)....Section 1 row 2, which sounds like a nice section doesn't it? Well, Section 1 is the worst place to see a game in all of sports. It sucks. You can barely see anything....except the right fielder. And on this particular day, yup...you guessed it...Reggie Jackson was playing right field. For the Yankees. The MFY.

When it's time for the Yankees to take the field in the 1st inning I become Joe Obnoxio and just start hootin' an a hollerin' at Reggie. Every possible thing I can think of I scream at that bastard. Every inning. Every pitch. "REGGIE YOU UGLY BASTARD!!" and "REGGIE YOU SUCK" (clever, huh?) and of course HEY REGGIE... I ENJOYED YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT" and the always classic "REGGIE THROWS LIKE A GIRL" and even the absurd "REGGIE IS TICKLISH" and on and on it went. Until finally after about 8 innings Reggie turns around, scans the stands, hears me, sees me, looks me direct in the eye while a HUGE grin appears on his face and then gives me the finger.

I've always loved Reggie Jackson since then. The only Yankee I've ever liked.

(The reason I've always hated the Yankees is because they throw like girls, they suck, they're ugly bastards, I've been with all of their mothers, and they are ticklish.)

JonBenet Ramsey's killer found

It can only be a matter of days before the police catch the real killer of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman.

More cowbell, less Ted Kennedy

Just a short and to the point tirade against Ted Kennedy.

Free health care. People love that they might get free health care. Ted Kennedy's built his whole (crappy) career on free health care and yet thirty something years later Ted still hasn't gotten anyone free health care. And he never will. Ever.

Do you know why?

Because DOCTORS WONT WORK FOR FREE you big stupid deformed mutant!!!

And does anyone really want to go to a doctor that works for free? I'm sure you'll get the best of treatment from him.

"It could be the cancer....or maybe it's a touch of the gas, take two of these"

More cowbell, less retard.

My wife doesn't read this blog every day (retard), but every month or so she sits down and reads like 20 or 30 posts in a row (retard)....so the other day she tells me that she read a bunch and I decide to ask her a few questions....here is how it went:

ME: So Honey, do you like the blog?

HONEY: Yeah...it's funny but you use the word retard way too much.

ME: Like that comedian on Comedy Central I don't mean retard like people that are born that way...I mean retard in like people like Mel Gibson that become retarded later in life.

HONEY: I don't care...I don't like the word retard. Or stupid. Or large thighs.

ME: You're a retard.

HONEY: No...you are.

ME: Sorry...it's you that are.

HONEY: Nope. You.

ME: Are you retarded?

HONEY: No, but you are.

ME: Me? Retarded? I don't think so.

HONEY: Well you are.

ME: Aint.

HONEY: I think you were born retarded.

ME: I think you were.

HONEY: Nope. You.

ME: You're out of your freakin' retarded mind.

HONEY: You are.

ME: You even look a little retarded.

HONEY: HA! It's you that looks retarded!

ME: Like I was born retarded or became retarded?

HONEY: Both.

ME: You're retarded.

HONEY: You are.

ME: What's for dinner?

HONEY: RetardChow.

ME: Mmmmmmmm....I love RetardChow.

HONEY: I know...that's why I make it for you.

ME: I love you.

HONEY: You're a retard.

ME: You use that word way too much.

HONEY: That's because you're retarded.

ME: I wasn't born retarded.

HONEY: Yes you were.

ME: Are you retarded?

HONEY: Nope...but you are.

ME: *sigh*

HONEY: Are you gonna watch your retarded black and white movies all night?

ME: After all the retards go to bed.

HONEY: Don't call my kids retards.

ME: They're my kids also!

HONEY: Only the retarded one is.

ME: I love you.

HONEY: Don't forget to leave me some money in the morning.

ME: ::muffled voice:: retard.

HONEY: ::climbing the stairs:: Retard.

ME: I HEARD THAT!!!!

HONEY: No you didn't.

ME: How do you know I didn't?

HONEY: Cuz you're retarded.

ME: I love you.

HONEY: I love you too.

KIDS: You're both retarded.

and then I'll take you to this gorgeous restaurant overlooking Boston....

So I mentioned that me and Hoag used to sell stuff at Star Trek conventions.

Here is another story because a gal from New Zealand demanded it.

We were setting up at this one show and needed to get into the dealers room early and the security wouldn't let us for some reason (it was too early? wrong day? The promoter wasn't there?)....now at these shows 'security' usually consisted of three fans with Spock ears and phasers on their waist. WE HAD TO GET IN!

Hoag initiated plan 7. (there is no plan 7...I just made that up)

Plan 7 (no such thing) is when Hoag flirts with some broad to get his way (now called Plan 7) Without getting into trade secrets it worked like a charm and she allowed us inside the room for early set up. Not only will our tables look better than anyone else's because we now have time to properly display things, but our bellies will be full because now we've had time for breakfast. And breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

So now Saturday is winding down and it's time for Hoag to pay up. (I start laughing like Peter Lorre.) This 6' 5" 'security' broad dressed in full Battlestar Galactica regalia shows up at our table expecting Hoag to take her out to dinner at this revolving restaurant overlooking Boston. She thinks she looks hot. (Peter Lorre laugh) She doesn't even for a nano second look hot. And she's pretty dang boring also.

Now if you know Hoag you know there is not even a remote chance that he takes out a 6' 5" boring gal dressed in Battlestar Galactica clothes. So he tells her something about having some emergency at the hospital (Dr. Hoag) but he'll give her a free 8 X 10 glossy photo of Dirk Benedict* tomorrow when she comes by our table ...and surprise surprise....she was just has happy.

Moral of the story:

Never go on date with a chick dressed like someone from Battlestar Galactica (unless she looks like that hot blond in the new Battlestar Galactica and is dressed like her)

Second moral of the story:
Star Trek is WAY cool next to Battlestar Galactica.

(* Dirk Benedict starred in Battlestar Galactica and had dreamy good looks.....though not as dreamy as William Shatner circa 1967)

The Death of JFK

So yesterday I decide to finally watch Oliver Stone's JFK starring Kevin Costner.

Fantastic movie about JFK's assassination and the conspiracy theory that followed. During the movie Stone shows that Kennedy was killed by either: the mob, the Cubans, LBJ, The military industrial complex, Nixon, Tommy Lee Jones, The Russians....in other words it was somebody other than Oswald. But the movie is still brilliant even though Oliver Stone is a raging mental case.

After the movie was over I was kinda obsessed with solving this whole JFK thing and started reading through the Warren Report and other books I have on Kennedy. I freeze framed each frame of the classic Zapruder film over and over and over again....and then I saw it. Right there in front of everyone. How people for 40 years could have missed this is beyond me. Hide in Plain Sight is the phrase.

The precise second the first shot is heard you can clearly see a great white shark chomp down hard on the President's head. And the chomps again.....and then for good measure takes a good sized bite out of Connelly. And if you're good at lip reading like I am, you can also see Jackie O mouth the words "Holy shit...it's a goddamn shark!"

The shark acted alone.

Moral of the story?

Don't drive with the top down in shark infested highways.

I have scientific data to back this up.

Other than robbery victims I'm guessing that most people that get murdered are jerks.

Why else would someone want to kill them?

Bonnie Blakley? Jerk.

Nicole Simpson? Jerk

JFK? Jerk

Lee Harvey Oswald? Jerk

Scott Peterson's wife and unborn baby? Jerks.

Okay so maybe my theory has some holes in it....but for the most part we're....ummmm....I'm mean they... aren't killing nice people.

So I just want to go on the record and thank all of the murderers of jerks.

Thank you Jerk Killers!

A Not So Happy Anniversary

With today being the 5th anniversary of 9-1-1, I remembered. Because who could forget?

Who could forget that cloudy Thursday afternoon when the bombs rained from the sky onto the World Trade Center killing dozens and dozens of people?

Who could forget the missile slamming into the Capitol building (or was it the Treasury building or the Pentagon?) in Washington, DC?

Who could forget Andrew Card racing into that school room informing President Bush of the bombings....and Bush instantly leaping to his feet and barking orders?

Who could forget Ronald Reagan even with his Alzheimers riddled brain rushing to Ground Zero and stone by stone saving countless lives?

Who could forget Al Gore, Michael Moore, and John Kerry with soiled undies under their skirts, all running around screaming "It was Saddam! It was Saddam! We should bomb him back"

Who could forget Ted Kennedy mumbling something about health care and bourbon while the nation burned?

Who could forget that Iran probably had something to do with it also?

Who could ever forget 'Shock and Awe" and the quick end to the war?


Not me...that's who. And neither should you or those dozens that died will have died for nothing.

Code Level Red

The breaking news this morning seems to be that British Intelligence has uncovered a terrorist plot that involves airplanes flying out of London with targets possibly in the United States.

Logan Airport in Boston has increased security and brought in the National Guard. They suggest showing up for your flight at least 2 hours before departure (3 hours if it's an international flight)

A new list of banned carry-on items can be found at www.massport.com (or is it .gov, or .org?) One of the items is hair gel. Can you imagine attacking a city from an airplane with hair gel? It would be messier than a butter fight! If they ban hair gel then the stylists have really won. Or lost. Or something.

Authorities believe the attacks were being planned by 'traditional' terrorists but have not yet ruled out Snakes on a Plane and Mel Gibson working in tandem.

The Democrats support anything to thwart the threat until the threat is actually thwarted and then they will complain about Bush thwarting said threat.

The Coconut Diaries

So one day I'm driving to work and I get this incredible craving for an Almond Joy bar. I call it a Craving Deluxe. I couldn't think of anything else...my eyes are scanning the road for a place to buy me some AJ bars. I'm careening all over the road...I ran over two children (I'm lying about the careening and running over of children) but I'll pretty much do anything at this point for a delicious Almond Joy bar. Or two. Finally after nearly 1/4 of a mile of driving I find a convenience store and my bounty awaits (I've always wanted to use the phrase 'my bounty awaits')

I rush inside and buy two Almond Joy bars with maybe a quick glance at the Mounds bar. I get in my car, drive off and eat two of the most wonderful creations god ever made.

I get to work and the craving is gone. WHEW!

The day goes by without incident until I get back in my car for the drive home. I HAVE TO HAVE THAT MOUNDS BAR I LEFT BEHIND!!!! I want you delicious coconut covered in dark chocolate. I want you BAD! I start my search. Finally after at least a 1/3 of a mile of driving all over town I find you. I buy three of you puppies and wolf you down (not actual puppies...Mounds Bars) I get home and the craving goes back into sleep mode.

This scenario repeats itself for the entire week. Almond Joys in the morning, Mounds at night. I AM A COCONUT JUNKIE!!! It's a disease. It has to be.

About a week later I meet up with Hoag and he gets in my car and says: "So...did you find those coconut air fresheners I left in your car?"

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be thankful Hoag didn't leave an air freshener that smelled of raccoon.

IANO tip of the day:
Check out that Gene Simmons Family Jewels show on A&E. It's kinda fun.

Let's Have a Butter Fight!

Just a thought.

The Unwritten Rule

The story you are about to read isn't funny...though maybe a little amusing.

All during the 1980s and half of the 1990s me and Hoag would set up at nice hotels for Star Trek and Comic Book Conventions up and down the East Coast selling my stuff. We latched on to the biggest promoter (at the time) and did most of his circuit of shows and slowly became kinda friendly with him in a promoter/dealer kinda way. I think we amused him. He started giving us better table locations etc.

And we always had cool unique stuff. And at the end of the each weekend the Promoter would always come up to our tables and pick out a bunch of groovy stuff that he would sell at other shows and tell us to add it up, box it up, and give it to one of his workers. He would then give us a check for whatever we invoiced him.

This went on for 10 years or so. Never a hitch.

Until.

One day he came up to us and asked what discount we were giving him.

ME: Discount?

HIM: You've been selling me that stuff at wholesale, correct?

ME: No...why would I do that?

HIM: Ummmmm...because I always gave you guys choice locations at my conventions.

ME: But you charged me full price correct?

Over that ten year span he spent tens of thousands of dollars with me at full retail price without knowing it. I never knew the unwritten rule that I was supposed to sell him stuff at my cost.

For some reason I think he liked us better after that. Really. Some weird form of respect.

Moral of the story:
Selling at retail is WAY better than selling at wholesale.

Tip of the day: (A New Free I Aint No Oprah feature)

Go see that new Will Ferrel racing movie...Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby ....WAY FUNNY! Killer funny.

Mel Gibson always wanted to direct....TV shows.

With Mel's movie career possibly in shambles he turns to TV...here are some of his ideas to get back on top:

1. Hill Street Jews::: Ensemble piece about of a bunch of Jews that live on Hill Street and control the media.

2. Mork and Mindy Cohen:::Wacky comedy about an alien from the Planet Ork who befriends a homely down on her luck Hollywood Jew Mindy Cohen (Played by Teri Hatcher)

3. The Beverly Jewbillies::: A family of rich Jews move to the Smokey Mountains and take control of the banks.

4. The Jewferrsons::: A story about a family of Black Jews who take over whatever Black Jews take over.

5. Joel Grays Anatomy::: Story of a closeted gay Jew who likes to dance and hang out with Liza Minelli.

6. The Man from U.N.C.L.E.M.O.R.T.I.E.S::: Story of a Jewish spy and whatever Jewish spys do.

7. Star Trek: The Next Jewneration::: Story of a bunch of Jews on a starship who try and take over the media on other planets.

8. I Scheme Of Jeannie: Story of a Jewish (HA!) Astronaut who finds a sexy Genie on the beach and then tricks said Genie into letting him take over the media.

9. One Oy-Vey At A Time::: Story of a single Jewish mother struggling to teach her stuttering son to talk. And take over the media.

10. Survivor: Auschwitz::: Young, attractive Jews get put in a concentration camp and compete against each other to see who will control the media.

A short statement from Mel Gibson's publicist

Mel just wants to state once more that he has nothing against the filthy Jews, has never had anything against the filthy Jews, and never will have anything against the filthy Jews.

He also wants to state that he feels pain for the survivors of the alleged holocaust.

And please go see his new action packed thriller scheduled for release in the year of our Lord 2007.

The Jewish people write Mel Gibson a letter.

Dear Mel,

Jesus Christ what were you thinking? Don't you know we control the media and we can make you look very bad? Holy Mother of God was that stupid! But seeing how you've lined our pockets with cash for over two decades we'll let it slide.

Here are some future movies we'd like you to make:

1. Dreidel Attraction

2. Orthodox and the Hound

3. Another one of those Lethal Weapon pictures with that Negro fellow.

4. Mad Maxwell Silverstein

5. Schindler's Even Bigger List

6. Oy-Ceans Eleven

7. Saving Private Ira

8. Bris of the Spider-Woman


And Mel...lay off the sauce, huh?



Love,
The Jews

PS
Don't even for New York minute think of making Yentl 2....even we hated the first one.

Life in the Fast Food Lane

On my way home last night I decided to stop and get some fast food (love me the fast food)...so I place my order with the mutant at the counter...here is how it went:

MUTANT: What would you like?

NON-MUTANT: 6 tacos, a small popcorn chicken, and a small drink.

MUTANT: We don't have small drinks.

NON-MUTANT: You're sold out?

MUTANT: No...we don't carry small drinks...just medium and large.

NON-MUTANT: What is the smallest size you have?

MUTANT: Medium.

NON-MUTANT: If that's the smallest size why isn't it called small?

MUTANT: Because it's medium.

NON-MUTANT: Define medium.

MUTANT: In between small and large. (I was very impressed with her and this statement)

NON-MUTANT: So why don't you have small?

MUTANT: Nobody wants small.

NON-MUTANT: I do.

MUTANT: We don't have small.

NON-MUTANT: May I order a medium and just fill it up half way?

MUTANT: I don't know...let me check with the manager.

NON-MUTANT: I hope he's small.

MUTANT: Huh?

NON-MUTANT: Nevermind...I'll have a medium coke.

MUTANT: We don't have Coke.

NON-MUTANT: May I have a medium cola?

MUTANT: Is Pepsi okay?

NON-MUTANT: Pepsi Cola?

MUTANT: Huh?

NON-MUTANT: Pepsi would be fine.

Moral of the story:
Tacos and popcorn chicken for dinner is awesome.

Because I care.

If you're like me you worry about people dying of thirst. Especially on wicked hot days like today. Imagine what it must be like in the deserts of Africa where there is no water and it's 30 degrees hotter.

Well, I'm going to do something about. Starting sometime when I feel like it I'm going to start saving all the water or condensation that drips off of my air conditioner and send it the thirsty people in the deserts of Africa.

I'll even go one step further....I'll even send them the condensation that drips off of my cars air conditioner. I don't think any motor oil gets mixed in with that.

I feel better already just thinking about it.

New Mel Gibson Statement

In a new statement* since his arrest, Mel Gibson says:

"I am not an Anti-Semite, I love the Semites...it's the goddamn filthy Jews that I can't stand!"






* not really.

His Left Shoe

One day at my store I suspected this kid of stealing something but didn't quite catch him. This time.

Like a total retard douche he came back the next day and stole again and this time I did catch him. I sat him down behind the counter and told him I KNEW he stole from me yesterday also. Like all good thieves he denied it.

So then I took off his left shoe and told him if he ever wanted to see it again he'd go on home and gather up all the stuff he stole from me the previous day.

About two hours later he came walking down the street still with only one shoe on and a bag of stuff he stole yesterday. Why he didn't put on another pair of shoes for the walk back I'll never know. Actually I do know...he was a retard thieving douchebag.

And then I called the police.

Moral of the story:
Don't steal from me or I'll steal your left shoe and call the police.

Another moral of the story:
Steal from my competition because they don't have as good of security cameras as I do.

A short story about me at Blizzard Beach

So a few years back I was going to Walt Disney World (the 7th happiest place on earth) and needed something to swim in. Went down to the local mall and found this pair of teal green swim shorts ( trunks? suit?) and headed down south.

Typhoon Lagoon? The hotel pool? Blizzard Beach? Where should I swim?

Blizzard Beach was the choice. Huge water park with giant slides, wave pools, and all that kinda stuff. Jammed packed with not the most attractive people in America.

I'm going down the slides, floating slowly in innertubes down lazy winding rivers, burning my skin to a crisp...you know, having fun... when all of a sudden I notice all the ladies looking at me. They've probably never been so close to perfection in their lives. I'm digging the attention. I'm striking poses. Then I notice all the men looking at me. (UH-OH) And the kids (crap)

I quickly check my fly to see if I'm exposed...I aint. But flowing down my leg is massive amounts of teal dye from my new swim togs. I HAVE TEAL GREEN LEGS!!! I AM A DORK!!! A TEAL COLORED SKINNY SUNBURNED IDIOT!!!

No matter how cool I really am there is no way to translate it to the thousands of people at Blizzard Beach. I rush to the lockers and put on my jeans.

I read the tag on the inside of my teal green swim shorts: WASH BEFORE WEARING.

It took about three days for me to get the dye off my legs and other things.

Moral of the story?
Never ever go swimming at Blizzard Beach while other people are there.

PS:
About a year or so later I had to have surgery on my leg and the doctor told me to wear shorts during the operation. I slipped into my Teal Fighting Suit. They ended up soaked in blood. Someday I'll make up a neat story about how I got all bloody at Typhoon Lagoon.

Is my total hatred of the New York Yankees irrational?

Nope.

Halloween

Do you remember when you were a kid and you couldn't wait for Halloween?

Sometime in the summer you'd start thinking about what might be the coolest costume ever.

Maybe a pirate or vampire? Superman or Batman? A hobo. A witch or the Frankenstein monster? Something cool. Sometimes your Mom would help you make the costume. Halloween was the best.

Except for the douchebag parents who made their kid dress up as a German Shepard. You know and I know that this kid got his ass kicked.

Often.

Today's handwriting lesson

Let's get right to it. The capital cursive Q is retarded. You know it. I know it. It looks like the number 2. Nobody EVER uses it when handwriting a letter, yet it still exists. When you handwrite a letter you do what I do...you print the capital Q and then use cursive for the rest of the word.

What kinda idiot invents something as stupid as the capital Q?

The capital cursive Q is clearly the transsexual of all letters.

Dude...you're a letter, not a number. Nobody likes you. NOBODY. 2uit trying to be something you aint.

And don't get me started about always having to have the u close by at your side. Pussy. No other letter always has to have a u next to them. So why don't you just go and put on your little pink frilly dress and try hanging out with the numbers.

PS
The numbers think you're a jerk and really are sick of you trying to be like them. Especially 2. 2 is really, really pissed.

PPSS
There should be an Island of Misfit capital letters. You would be King. Or Queen. Actually you couldn't be Queen...you'd be 2ueen. I hate you.

Joey Shell is a douchebag

So I'm at the SHELL gas station yesterday and hear an announcement over the gas stations PA system notifying me and everyone else that air is free and all I have to do is ask.

What if I don't ask? I now need permission from Shell Oil Corp for free air? I don't think so.

I just kept breathing. Screw them.

And I'm not making this up....on the window was a banner proclaiming FREE AIR FRESHENER with purchase of 8 gallons of gas. So the free air they were offering before didn't smell good? Now why on earth would I want stinky air? Even if it's FREE it doesn't seem like something I'd want. The only time I'd want free stinky air is if I was bolted to a hunk of coral reef or something.

And I'm not making this up (channeling Dave Barry)...on the window of said gas station was another sign proclaiming FREE POPCORN with 8 Gallon purchase of gas. So this generous gas station was offering me free smelly air, free air freshener for their stinky air, and now free popcorn. Their entire offering of free stuff cost them 2 cents. And I have the privilege of paying $3.07 cents for a gallon of gas.

And why would I need their "FREE AIR FRESHENER" if I had their "FREE POPCORN"....Popcorn makes everything smell better.

Except brownies. Brownies smell wonderful without gas, without free air fresheners, and without free popcorn. Though I'm guessing popcorn baked inside of a brownie would as close to heaven as most of us will get.

I now want a brownie, some fried chicken, and maybe a Jack in the Box taco. And a soft pretzel.

This is the one about how to reuse a Target Department Store bag.

Target Department Stores are one of the finest chains in the USA. Large aisles, clean & well stocked, reasonable prices, not WalMart, good employees.

But is Target Department store trying to be helpful or do they think America is jammed with retards. I'm guessing the latter. Or is that the former?

Anyhoo....(don't ya just want to kill people that say anyhoo?)

On the side of an empty Target bag is listed '10 Ways To Reuse Your Target Bag'

1. Tiny Trashcan Liner
2. Doggy Duty
3. Water Balloon
4. Roadtrip Rubbish
5. Soggy Laundry
6. Ice Pack For Head Lump (this is the one that made Hoag show me the bag in the first place)
7. Toiletry Tote
8. Kitty Litter Liner
9. Tomorrow's Lunchbag
10. Care Package Padding.

Now those are all fine ideas....no brainers (don't ya hate when someone says something is a 'no brainer'?)....but I think we can do better.

11. Severed Hand Holder
12. Children's Halloween Mask (Rubber band not included)
13. Target The Happy Tramp Hand Puppet
14. Huge Condom with Handles With Nifty Bullseye Design.
15. Severed Foot Holder
16. Freezer Bag For A Baby if You're A Cannibal And Not All That Hungry.

17. Toenail Collection Closet Buddy.
18. Roadkill Microwavable Bag

Any other uses?

Fine Dining...Texas Style.

Back in the early 1980s my wife (Wifey) and I (me) took a few weeks off and drove from Boston to California. No real plan, no maps, no rush, 400 or so miles a day and then we'd just stay wherever we ended up. Everything was going nice. We were having fun.

Until that little restaurant in Texas.

We were in some crap Texas town way off the interstate when I saw the sign that said Fried Chicken. You always stop when you see a sign that says Fried Chicken. Always. Especially if its a neon sign that blinks :FRIED CHICKEN: :FRIED CHICKEN:

So we go in and take a seat, the waitress (Flo) gives us our menus (not that I needed one with the Fried Chicken sign outside)...and then we start looking around. The place is filled with wannabee cowboys and douchebags....even some douchebag cowboys. And they all notice me and my long hair. A bit too long for their douchebaggy cowboy way. I'm nervous. Wifey is nervous...but they have fried chicken so we risk our lives.

Our waitress (Flo) brings us our food. OH MY GOD. What was on the plate was NOT fried chicken. I'm pretty sure it was a fried dog leg. A large fried dog leg. We're talking Golden Retriever, maybe a fried Black Lab. It was HUGE. And fried. And not chicken. Unless in Texas the chickens are as big as huge dogs (it's possible) And all the cowboys just watched us as Flo put down the plates. They knew. They've done it before.

We decide not to eat the fried dog leg. We also decide not to make a fuss and send it back.

I quietly tell Wifey to just get up and go to the car and start it...I'll be right out. I throw some money on the table (including a please don't follow us and kill us tip) run out to the car and drive off.

Damn. I really wanted fried chicken. And mashed potatoes. Gravy. Maybe some biscuits. Big glass of cold milk. Nice wedge of chocolate cake.

I want fried chicken right now. For breakfast. In Massachusetts.

Rules of the Catholic Church I've broken

I'm not Catholic but I love breaking their rules.


1. I've coveted my neighbor's kite.

2. I've eaten cheese on Tuesday

3. I once said 4 Hail Marys in my 'retard' voice

4. I once said 4 Heil Marys in my Hitler voice

5. I once went fishing on a day other than Friday

6. I once went a week with out drinking alcohol

7.I once (a whole bunch of times) voted against Ted Kennedy

8. I once refused to keep standing up and sitting down and mumbling something incoherent after the priest said something equally incoherent for no particular reason at church.

9. I've never given up anything on lent nor will I ever. I'm eaten' pizza while you chowderheads are starving. Losers.

Footnote:
Pound for pound Catholics are the most insane of all religions. It's true. Look it up on
www.I'm GladIAintCatholicCuzTheyAreCrazy.com

I felt like Puching.

For some reason I didn't have a car and needed transportation so I did what every 19 year old did when they needed transportation and wanted to be cool.

I bought a moped. A Puch® brand Moped

Nothing was ever less cool than me riding that Puch moped but it got me to work on time. I have a 'thing' about getting places on time. I'm always on time. Even if I have to ride a Puch moped.

So anyhow...

That summer about 20 of us went down the Cape for a week or two and I left my Puch at my apartment. I was nervous about leaving it inside with the gas fumes and stuff so I locked and chained it to a bush outside.

When I came home Ol' Puchey® was gone. So was the bush. SOMEONE STOLE THE FREAKIN BUSH!!!

About a week later the police called me and told me they found my moped torched and in the woods. They never found the bush.

Moral of the story?
Don't chain your moped to a bush when there are bush thieves around.

He Loved The Marines.

Years ago I had this friend named Dwayne. Nice guy, but dumb as can of retards. He said stuff like "baseballs aren't round" and claimed his dog could outrace a car. He always thought he was the King of the Pool and Leader of the Pack. He was neither the former or the latter. Or was he the latter and not the former? Maybe he was the former but not the latter. Whatever....he was an idiot.

So anyhow one night he fell asleep (passed out) and me and Hoag took a couple of Marks-A-Lot® permanent markers and wrote on Dwayne's back. Stupid stuff. Embarrassing stuff: I LOVE THE MARINES, I'M A CHUBBY FELLOW, and other ridiculous stuff. And then we told everyone never to mention it to him. We even told his Dad. Everyone agreed.

The next three weeks we made sure we just hung around the pool where we could just laugh behind his back. I think we even took a trip to the ocean so countless thousands of people could make fun of this dolt. He never knew. For three stinkin' weeks we just laughed and laughed and he never had a clue as to why.

Morals of the story?

1. Marks-A-Lot® brand permanent markers only last about three weeks on skin if you swim a lot.

2. Look at your back in a mirror once in a while.

3. The former is always more important than the latter (whichever one that is)

The Dance. The Girl. The Favor. The Horror. The Solution.

Back in Junior High (Middle School) me and Hoag took our ladies to a school dance. While they were in the girls room doing whatever girls do together in the girls room, me and Hoag were approached by Gail (real name)....here is what happened next.

Gail obviously excited and breathing heavy asks Hoag if he'll do her a favor. Hoag says sure not having any idea what is about to happen. Gail motions for the three of us to sit in this row of chairs. We do. She then puts her hand up her skirt, does some fishing around with belts or adhesive or whatever was used back then and balls up a used Kotex® brand maxi-pad and hands it to Hoag and asks if he'll get rid of it for her (why she didn't just go in the girls room we'll never know.) Seems Gail met a guy and she wants to have sex or something. She also know that the Kotex® brand maxi-pad is sure to be a turn off for said sex partner.

So now Hoag has this giant Kotex® in his hand and I'm not sure he even knows what it is (I have an older sister...he has a younger one)....so what does Hoag do? He hands the freakin' thing to me! I don't even like shaking someone's hand and now I'm holding a bloody used Kotex® brand maxi pad and the panic starts setting in. We start playing a round or two of hot potato and even that doesn't help our horror subside. We can't get caught with a used Kotex®. We just can't.

And then we spot the solution:

The teachers coat rack.

The balled up Kotex® fits perfect in the French teacher's coat sleeve.

Moral of the story:
If a girl asks for a favor at a dance and then puts her hand up her skirt there is a good chance she'll want you to dispose of her soiled feminine hygiene products.

If You Ever Participated In A Seance Or An Ouija Board Session With Me And The Hoag...

...it was us moving the little pointer thingy and making the doors close and the table rise and the candles blow out.

The Most Embarrassing Moment Ever.

I was in the 5th grade and had the most awesome of teachers ever...Mrs. Pratt.

One day I was leaving school and I turned around and looked at her and said:

"Bye Mom"

And then the rest of the class just started laughing at me. They laughed at me the next day also. And so on. And so forth.

Hug me.

The $3004.14 Tacos

About 12 years or so ago my Cousin Saul and I took our wives to Las Vegas. We ate in great restaurants, stayed in fantastic hotels, saw some fairly decent shows, won lots of money.

And had $3004.14 tacos.

You see, I love Jack in the Box tacos. 69 cents each and filled with a touch of heaven. We were out driving by the Hoover Dam on the outskirts of Vegas when I started craving those wonderful Jack Tacos. I had to have them. I had to have then NOW! So we drove around and finally spotted a Jack in the Box and I ran in....while I was devouring six of those spicy puppies our wives spotted a jewelry store across the street. Saul's wife spent about $2500.00 on a diamond ring and my wife spent about $500.00 on non-diamond rings.

$3004.14 tacos I still love you and you were worth every penny.

The Best Seat In The House

Me and The Hoag always went to the movies and as kids and adults we've always been a bit obsessive about where we sit. We hated getting in late and having crappy seats up front or in the middle behind some douchebag. Hated it.

So very early on (age 13) The Hoag took matters into his own hands. We discussed what the best seats in the house were (unlike a concert, at a movie you don't want to be in the front row)....and then The Hoag takes out his knife (non-switchblade variety) and proceeds to hack up and just totally rip the stuffing out of his "seat"....He got it down so that seat was nothing but springs and a cushioned back.

From that day forward no matter how late we were for the show, that seat and the one next to it were always empty and just waiting for us....cuz who on earth would want to sit on springs?

The Hoag. That's who.

Yag A Zoo Zee, Yag A Zoo Zee, Yag A Zoo Zee ZIM!

Back when I was about 5 or 6 years old I had three evil step brothers and my own evil real brother. Sometimes the three oldest could be pretty mean. And evil. They used to force me to give them money or do their chores (we called them chores back then)...

So anyhow this one time they asked me for my money and I said no. They told me if I didn't give them the money the Boogeyman would get me. And then they really started playing up how mean and vicious the Boogeyman was. How scary he was. And what he did to children. I was probably crying at this stage as I wasn't a big fan of the Boogeyman. They repeated that if I gave them money they would protect me from the Boogeyman. I sobbed: "BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!!!! Is there anything else I could do to keep the Boogeyman away?"

They turned down the lights and pulled closed the curtains and told me that the Yag-A-Zoo-Zee dance might help. The Yag-A-Zoo-Zee dance was performed in counterclockwise fashion around the room with hard stomping with a very Zombie like monotone. I had to circle the room (a very large room that was built over the garage) five times. It was pitch black. Hands would grab my legs as I circled the room stomping out Yag-A-Zoo-Zee, Yag-A-Zoo-Zee,Yag-A-Zoo-Zee-ZIM,Yag-A-Zoo-Zee,Yag-A-Zoo-Zee,Yag-A-Zoo-Zee-ZAM! Tears streaming down my face until I finished...over and over agian. Scared to death. Until finally the Boogeyman was forever gone.

But I always remembered him.

Then about 3 years ago I'm watching Nick at Nite with my kids and an episode of Bewitched was on and sure enough one of Samantha's wacky relatives was singing (chanting?) Yag-A-Zoo-Zee, Yag-A-Zoo-Zee,Yag-A-Zoo-Zee-ZIM,Yag-A-Zoo-Zee,Yag-A-Zoo-Zee,Yag-A-Zoo-Zee-ZAM!



Moral of the story:
TV writers hide in kids rooms to get story ideas.

I think Hitler had mental problems.

So after a Sunday of volunteer work at the Children's Burn Center (not really) I went home and had dinner and just started watching tv....flipping through the channels I stumbled upon a Hitler Documentary.

What I saw and heard has forever changed my views on Hitler....I'm sure it will change yours also.

The documentary stated that Adolf Hitler wouldn't let photographs be taken of him with his hands in his pockets (really).

What a douchenburg!

Closed Until Monday

For repairs or something.

Sharpie, you're dead to me.

Do you know what a Sharpie is? It's a permanent ink marking pen. They're awesome. Or were.

On the side of the pen its states:

NOT FOR LETTER WRITING.

What kinda lame warning is that? Why can't I write letters with it? Is it a law? Will I get cancer?

How To Survive The Korean Missle Crisis.

Buy Haliburton stock now.

Free Stuff.

Do you ever notice when you're driving down the street and there is something in front of someone's house with a big sign that says FREE?

Usually it's something big that the person doesn't need anymore.... A refrigerator, a desk, a treadmill, computer monitors, TVs, maybe that recliner that looked oh so great in the 1980s. The people aren't giving it away FREE because they're nice...they're giving it away because they don't want the hassle of bringing it to the landfill site.

So whenever my pal Hoagy sees that stuff by the side of the road and has room in his car, he just takes the sign that reads FREE. At one point he had nine of those FREE signs.

He's thinking of putting them up on ebay.

The gray cat, circa 1970

My sister adored cats. Always had a bunch of them and treated them better than most people treated their own kids. My brother and I liked cats also. But probably not as much.

So one morning my brother and I woke up early and noticed that the gray cat (Grays) was dead. We knew Sis would freak out when she saw him dead, so we did what any caring brothers would do....we put the cat in a sitting position (rigor mortis was just starting), put a book in his lap, and a cigarette in his mouth, and then waited for Sis to wake up. The cat looked pretty sophisticated sitting there just a reading and a smoking.

She came out about four hours later and the cat was as stiff as a board just sitting there with the Gideon's and a Marlboro. She picked him up and the cat remained in the sitting position with his paws still clutching the book.

I don't think she ever knew she had a cat that could read.


Good times.

Happy In Depends® Day.

It'll happen to us (you)....you know people it's happened to. A parent. A grandparent. A friend. At some point someone decided an adult diaper would be best and at that point life was pretty much over. You have no control over the one thing in life you really want control over. And that has to stink. So to speak.

Here's how I'm gonna beat it:

Sometime this year, maybe at the neighborhood wine tasting, maybe at the store, possibly on buddy night, maybe Christmas Eve with family, could even be at the annual camping trip, but sometime while I still have control and a brain I'm gonna wear an adult diaper (Depends® brand) for a full day.

If you notice me just standing there with a dopey smile you'll know what I'm doing.

Happy Independence Day!

Bad Ring Tones

Why do people want 'fancy' ring tones for their cell phones?

Don't you get embarrassed when the phone rings and 'We Are The Champions' blares out and everybody turns around and sees what a loser you are? How about the douchebag that actually has a Bob Segar Old Time Rock N' Roll ring tone? Or O' Canada? Maybe a ring tone by an American Idol performer (Oh god...just shoot me before I hear a Taylor Hicks ring tone)

And some people (you know who you are) actually pay money for a trendy ring tone. The record companies are making a huge percentage of their profits by selling ring tones, which tells me the world is filled with way too much money, way too much spare time, and way too many douchebags.

Clever ring tones should never, EVER be used by people over the age of say 17 or so.

My phone rings like a phone. So should yours.

Confess your ring tone here. And if you don't confess it, I'll just assume it's the theme to Gilligan's Island or something by Travis Twitt or something. Loser.

Imagine if you resembled Chazz Palminteri....

...and liked hats. You'd look something like this.

I hope Jesus has a sense of humor and likes the Planet of the Apes

If you're like me you have read a lot of comic books and have heard of the bible.

So here are some famous bible passages mixed in with damn dirty apes....you know cuz it's on a blog and I have nothing better to write until after the Fourth of July and Canada Day holiday.

1) Phil Collins and Genesis 1: In the beginning, God created the heavens and the damn dirty apes.

2)Psalm 20 something: "the Lord is my damn dirty ape"


3)A Commandment: "Thou shalt have no other damn dirty ape before me"

4)Matthew 28 something: "Go ye therefore and teach all damn dirty apes"

5) The thing they say at weddings: Love is patient and kind, love is not jealous or a damn dirty ape.

I think there are other bible passages.

My Superman Returns movie review

So I get out of work and rush to the theater to meet Bacon Ace, The Half Bee, and Stu my lawyer (Hoag didn't want to go because he needed to find new lipstick or buy a new apron or something) to see Superman Returns. No time to eat before the movie so my options are Sour Patch Kids or Hot Dogs at the concession stand. I look at the Kids. I look at the hot dogs. I want the hot dogs. I order the hot dogs. The concession stand engineer says: "Let me see if they're cooked" and then takes out this huge meat thermometer and jams it into my penis...ummmmm....I mean jams it into the hot dog lengthwise to see if it's cooked. After conducting his Dr. Menegele experiment on my penis...ummmmm....I mean...ummmm....on the hot dog, he informs me it aint cooked yet and to try back in about ten minutes.

Now if I were to own a theater I might just want to have those freakin' hot dogs cooked BEFORE the movie starts.

Anyhow,...I order popcorn and a bargain priced bottled water and go to my seats and wait about ten minutes for my penis...ummmmm...I mean hot dog to get fully cooked.

I return to said concession stand when new hot dog engineer takes out Penis Death Prong and jams into the center of my penis...ummmm....I mean hot dog and once again informs me it aint quite yet cooked.

I order a small pizza and return to my seat.

I might have been watching Superman Returns but my thoughts were with meat thermometers jammed into my penis.

SPOILER WARNING FOR MOVIE CONTENT:

There is a cannibal dog in this movie and I must say that this is my favorite of all cannibal dog movies. Ever.

Luke Skywalker & Princess Leia

So this guy comes in my store the other day and here is how the conversation went:

HIM: "Hi...do you have any vintage Star Wars action figures?"

ME: "Sure....any particular ones?"

HIM: "I need a Luke and Leia to put on top of a wedding cake"

ME: "Are you from West Virginia?"

HIM: "Huh?"

ME: "Luke and Leia are brother and sister and maybe shouldn't be on the top of a wedding cake together"

HIM: "How about a Leia and Han?"

FOOTNOTE:
I wonder how many Luke and Leia action figures were on wedding cakes before it was revealed that they were brother and sister. I also wonder if it creeped them out once they found out.

FOOTNOTE #2:
Darth is the father of Luke.

The Amazing Cousin Steveini !!

We are about to do the worlds first blog card trick.

I want you all to think of a standard deck of 52 cards. They all are all spread out over a light wooden table and are in no particular order. You can see them all. Look at them in a clockwise fashion and pick YOUR CARD. The only thing I ask is that you DON'T pick your so called favorite number.

Think about what it is. What it looks like. Picture it in your hand. Burn the card into your brain.

Do you have it forever locked in place?

I am about to tell you the card you picked.

And here is YOUR CARD....

Click For Your Card




Ladies and Gentlemen....The Amazing Cousin Steveini !!!!

The Hitler World Tour

The story you are about to read is the day political correctness began.

Back in the 1980s I would set up at Star Trek and comic book conventions and sell my wares. Comic books, Star Trek stuff, Star Wars, movie memorabilia, etc.

So this one weekend me and Hoag were set up at this predominantly Jewish University (uh-oh) and sales were fairly flat so we figured we would cause a sensation.

We brought out the Hitler World Tour T-shirts and posters. The students were going crazy buying these shirts...they we're dying laughing and putting them on over their clothes and then walking around the dealers room with them on. Keep in mind these weren't PRO-Hitler shirts....they were Anti-Hitler shirts. The front had a picture of Hitler and the back had his 'tour dates' listed: Poland, France, etc. with the last few dates slashed out with the word CANCELLED through them.

There aint anything much funnier than a group of Jewish students walking around with Der Fuehrer emblazoned on their chests.

Here comes the good part:

This Chinese girl (don't you hate when someone brings up what race someone is when it has nothing to do with the story?) comes up to us and starts telling us how insensitive we are to the plight of the Jewish people blahblahblah....while she's bitching me out Hoag had made a Hitler mustache out of a 1 inch square of scotch tape and a black marker and was now Seig Heiling her from behind.

About 10 minutes later we were kicked out of the University. Kicked out for selling anti-Hitler T-shirts at a Jewish College.

Good thing we didn't bring our stash of pro-Hitler T-shirts....

D'OH! Canada

They speak French, are ruled by England, and protected by the United States.

Retards.

Meanwhile, Back At Fenway Park

So last night I was meeting my wife and another couple at Fenway Park to see my beloved Red Sox and I thought my wife would crack up over my stupid sign I made.

She did.

And then I just milked it for all it was worth. The hot chicks next to me had their picture taken with me and the sign.

The roving cameraman who was taking video of cute kids to put up on the giant scoreboard looked at me and my attention seeking sign and just shook his head in disgust.

Every few minutes I'd stand up and flash the sign and some people got the joke and others just looked at me like I was a retard.

The folks on the train home thought I was drunk.

I MADE A SIGN.

Don't Point That Thing At Me.

Back in the 1970s me and my buddy Hoagy were informed that our Junior High School 'suggested' to our High School not to put us in any of the same classes.

We found a loophole or two.

One of the loopholes was signing up for Archery Class. You know like bows and arrows and stuff. We were kicked out of Archery Class within 20 minutes for the breaking of rules #'s 1, 4, 7, 7, and 7. And I think #7 again.

SIDEBAR:
The teacher that kicked us out of that class was recently arrested for child porn on his computer. He also once tried to fondle frequent IAINTNOOPRAH poster Momenger's ass when she was like 15 years old. (She didn't much care as long as she got to skip gym class)

The Greatest Pretzel Story Ever Told

About six years ago I'm at the Mall looking for the perfect Christmas gift for my wife (This Mall happened to be the only one around with an Orange Julius) when I decided I needed a break, so I go up to one of those Aunt Annie's pretzel places and order up one of the fresh hot soft pretzels. I love these pretzels more than my wife and yet I don't have to buy the pretzel anything for Christmas.

But I digress.

So anyhow I give the gal at the pretzel place $5 for a $2 pretzel and start to walk away. The gal shouts out "Sir...you forgot your change!"....I turn back and just say 'Keep it." I kinda feel good about tipping a counter person at Christmas and walk on to finish my shopping.

About twenty minutes later I realize I gave her a $100 bill and not a $5 bill.

Merry Christmas.

Meanwhile back at the tollbooth...

So I'm paying my toll today on the Mass Turnpike when I peer inside the tollbooth and see a notice posted on the wall that was intended for employees...it read:

FINISH EACH TRANSACTION WITH A THANK YOU....IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

So I pay the guy, he gives me my change, and then says: "Dank Ewwwww."

Apparently it isn't that simple.

What's Behind Door Number Two?

I've told this story numerous times....if you've already heard it go do something else.

Years ago as teenagers me and The Hoag used to hang around this Teen Drop-In Center thingy (It was really some sort of drug counseling place, I think)...but anyhow we hung around there to meet girls, stay warm, and generally goof around.

In one of the rooms we noticed this locked door that was connected to a boarded up building next door. It drove us nuts! What was behind that door? Months and months went by and that door was practically begging us to pick it's lock and see what was behind it. The place was always filled with people so we never had a chance to get through that door.

Until one night the manager guy asked us if we could lock up.

Three minutes after we 'locked up' Hoag had that door open.

We fired up a couple of candles that were in the kitchenette and entered through the door.

Through that door was a long out of business bowling alley with everything nearly as it stood 20 years prior. I half expected to see Richie, Potsie, or Ralph Malph in there bowling. The bowling pins were still set up. Balls in the ball return thingy. Ashtrays on every table still with butts in them. Cobwebs and thick dust everywhere. Electricity was off and everything was gone from the snack bar...but if someone dusted the place, turned on the power, and restocked the food they could have been open for business the next day.

So anyhow we looked around, tossed a few bowling balls down the lanes (bowling is no fun if you have to set up your own pins) and then started to figure out what was worth taking. This was an abandoned building so we didn't really consider it stealing (it was)

One of us called our buddy Weasel, who had a car, and he met us out front. We filled that car with every pair of bowling shoes we could find. Estimates over the years have been somewhere between 80-200 pairs. For the sake of this retelling let's be conservative and say 100 pairs (nice even number)

So what happened to the bowling shoes you ask? Well,....we drove to our high school the next day with Weasel, parked in front of the school and spread the word that we had FREE BOWLING SHOES!! (And who doesn't love free bowling shoes?) Someone would come up to the car and we'd say "What size?" and then we'd just hand them their size and off they'd go.

For one glorious day you could hear the click/clack of bowling shoes all throughout the high school. It was truly a moving experience.

EPILOGUE:
For many years later, every once in a while you'd see some former student wearing those shoes and we'd just laugh like madmen.

EPILOGUE 2:
They never opened the bowling alley back up and all the stuff inside was just thrown away.

EPILOGUE 3:
Me and Hoag always wished we had gone back inside and taken all of the bowling balls....that would have been fun!

::in that creepy voice the kid in the SHINING used:::RED RING

Back when I was a teenager I lived in this apartment complex with a nice swimming pool. Spent most of each summer just hangin' out at the pool, swimming, reading, and whatever else one might do at a pool.

One day the lifeguard informed all of the tenants and people at the pool that beginning that week they would now be putting a chemical in the pool that would detect urine and that if anyone should pee in the pool a bright red ring would encircle them. There were tons of kids that swam in that pool so it was a relief to me and Hoag and all of my friends that these little kids would stop peeing in the pool or we would at least know who was doing it and could ridicule them into stopping. That summer and future summers went on without anyone ever peeing in that pool.

FAST FORWARD 15 YEARS LATER:

HOAG: "Hey, remember that chemical they put in the pool that would put a red ring around someone if they peed in the pool?"

ME: "Yeah?"

HOAG: "It never worked"

The 45 Second Rule

The 45 second rule:

Get to the point in 45 seconds or less or most people just zone out. Never EVER is the 45 second rule more important than when someone starts telling you about a dream they had. After 45 seconds in a dream retelling, the dream becomes wicked surreal...people sprouting wings, talking animals, unicorns in fields of clover, vats of pudding, and it doesn't even make any sense to the person that had the dream. I also have a theory that after 45 seconds that the people who had the dream start making up details of their dream to make it sound cooler than it was.

With all that being said here is my dream I had the other night. (If I go over 45 seconds go do something else.

DREAM:

I get home from work and walk into my living room and who is standing there telling stories with a semicircle of children at his feet? You guessed it....Adolf Hitler! He's older, a bit gray at the temples,bigger than one would have thought, wearing a silk smoking jacket, a dapper looking ascot, and slippers. Every so often he throws his head back and lets out a hearty laugh! I overhear him say "We we're at war...I had no choice"

I rush to my home office and take out my first edition of Mein Kampf and ask if he'll sign it for me and he does.

43....44....45.....

And that was the my first ever Hitler dream. Really. How cool would it have been if he had sprouted wings and flew into a vat of pudding?

I am the King of the Poker Table.

Many years ago I'm down at this Indian Casino playing 7-card stud (in 7 card stud there are three cards face down, four face up) and hand after hand this obnoxious douchebag wearing a big cowboy hat keeps beating me. If I have a pair of Jacks he has a pair of Queens. If I have a straight, he has a flush. And on and on.

Now I don't really care if someone beats me, but this dick lets out this cackle every time he wins a hand. And every winning hand he says something clever like: "Read 'em and weep" or "Six tits beats three Jaywalkers" or some other not-so-clever cliche ridden poker statement.

I hate this guy and he's won a lot of money from me. I'm about to take him. Did I mention I hate him? Because I do. Deeply. After I take all of his money I'm going to pray he gets hit by a bus in the parking lot.

The cards are being dealt and we're betting back and forth, raising like madmen (the other players had by now folded)....back and forth, back and forth. I forget what the limits were as far as raising and stuff but we were maxing them out.

The last card was dealt and I had a gorgeous fullhouse (Queens and threes) and he had an Ace high flush. I had him but he didn't think so because my hand was nicely disguised. He bet. I raised. He raised back. I didn't flinch cuz I had this motherfucker (can I say motherfucker on a blog?) so I raised back BIG. And so did he. And back again. He was starting to get loud and folks started gathering around the table as the pot grew to what was a considered HUGE. Finally it was time to turn the cards over.

So I stood up, flipped over my Queens over full house, and said my own clever pokerism: "Eat these you fat fuck"

He just started laughing and flipped over his Kings over full house....and the dealer started laughing. And the rest of the players started laughing. The looky-loos started laughing. This dude played me like I'd never been played before.

I thought for sure the best he could have had was an Ace high flush. I was positive.

Positive.

The Wal-Mart Greeter Lady

Don't ya just hate her guts?

You feel crappy enough just walking into this FilthFactory named Wal-Mart...you certainly don't need Grandma Walton welcoming you in.

Hey Granny, go do something useful with the last few years of your life. Maybe even straigten up a rack or two.

I like Target.

Me Tarzan

Back in the so called 'day' there was a VFW post in my neighborhood and somehow (HA!) me and Hoag ended up on the roof of this 2 1/2 story building. Well, being up on a roof gets boring real fast and it was time to get down so Hoag shimmies down a post on the side of the building and then calls for me to do the same thing....but that aint my style. I'm gonna swing down like Spider-Man or Tarzan using the flag pole rope, and then maybe around the flag pole like a human tether ball or something.

It will look cool.

So Hoag somehow tosses up the flag pole rope to me and I grab it and start my Tarzan groovething and accompanying Tarzan yell.

I fell so damn fast I had no idea what hit me...the rope just burned right through my hands and took off most of the skin on both my hands. Totally ruined a good half of that summer for me as my hands had to stay bandaged most of the time. When I hit the ground, the manager of the VFW (Danny) who happened to watch the whole thing unfold, just looked at me, shook his head, and said "Dummy" and walked back inside.

Me Not Tarzan.

And the soldiers in Iraq think THEY have it tough?

On each side of my bed is an end table with a clock on it. My wife usually gets out of bed about three hours before I do and sometimes I'll be facing her side of the bed when I want to know what time it is, but I can't see the clock because her pillow blocks my view.

So I'm left with two choices....roll over and look at MY clock or move her pillow so I can see HER clock.

The soldiers in Iraq enlisted knowing full well they could go to war. I had no idea my view would be blocked if I got married.

(I'm thinking of putting a clock on the ceiling)

The Fenway Letters

So I was at Fenway Park yesterday to see my beloved Red Sox and I decided to write some open letters to some of the folks I saw:

Dear Fat WhiteGuy with the Michael Jordan #23 tank top on,

Please don't wear that tank top again. Nobody thought you were Michael Jordan and just looking at your hairy, acne scarred body made it difficult to eat.

Love,
Iaintnooprah
-------------------------------------------------------------
Dear FatBroad with the belly shirt,

Enough. Okay?

Love,
Iaintnooprah
------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PrettyGal with the David Ortiz shirt on and HandsomeGuy with the Manny Ramirez shirt on that were holding hands,

You're a lovely couple and seem in love....I just want you both to know that that image is now burned into my brain and all I can think of is Big Papi and Manny holding hands as they stroll through the streets of Boston.

Love,
Iaintnooprah
_____________________________________________________

Dear Family in front of me,

Can you please just stop eating for at least an inning? Maybe a half an inning?

Thank you,
Iaintnooprah

_____________________________________________________

Dear Red Sox Management,

I really don't care what you charge for anything, but $22.00 for a cheese pizza kinda cracked me up.

Love,
Iaintnooprah
________________________________________________

Dear DrunkGuy slightly to my left,

Very impressive the amount of beer you can drink. I'm guessing the ladies dig you.

Love,
Iaintnooprah
_____________________________________________-

Dear KidWithSign next to me,

Having a sign read: HIT IT HERE while sitting in foul territory is kinda stupid. I'm guessing you are kinda stupid also. GO RED SOX and REMDAWG!!!

Love,
Iaintnooprah
_________________________________________

Dear HotGIrl with Pink Hat,

My phone number is KLondike-0444

Love,
Steve
_________________________________________

It's Comcastic!

The big cable/internet/phone company Comcast is now proclaiming that they're COMCASTIC! Is that really something to be proud of?

Is anything really Comcastic?

Is Comcastic better than Sprintacular?

Maybe it's slightly above Chevylicious?

Though it couldn't possibly be better than Ann Curryutiful!

(Comcast: They're douchebagtacular!)

The Zig Zag Man

On the main road into the town I grew up in was this giant flat rock embedded into the hillside. It was probably 25 feet X 25 feet and people used to always paint messages on it. Usually birthday messages or high school taunts to the neighboring towns football team. Sometimes a sad RIP, maybe an I Love You Steve, or just some random artwork. It changed nearly every week and became sort of a town tradition. You couldn't drive into town without seeing 'the Rock'

"Hey, did you see the Rock today, blah blah blah..."


So one week me and Hoag notice this beautiful piece of artwork up on "the Rock"...it's the famous Zig Zag Man that appeared on rolling papers (keep in mind this was the 1970s and anything to do with marijuana was considered cool) This painting on 'the Rock' must have taken all night to do. At the time painting 'the Rock' was still considered against the law so most painting took place at night with maybe only a flashlight to guide the way. There was also an unwritten rule that each new Rock painting or message should stay up at least a week. Well, anyhow me and Hoag deemed the Zig Zag Man just too damn good and something had to be done with it. We came up with a not-so-catchy slogan, two cans of paint, a pack of cigarettes, two quarts of Schlitz, and of course a mission.....and we did it in broad daylight.

We started painting and within maybe 30 seconds we made a total mess of Mr. Zig Zag man and just started whipping paint at each other, pouring it in each others hair, and finally just threw the rest of the paint at 'the Rock' making it the all time worst ever paint job on the historic Rock.

We walked back into town covered from head to toe in red and white paint and anyone that saw us knew we just ruined the masterpiece that was The Zig-Zag man.

There is no moral to this story.

Special Talents

We all have special talents or useless superpowers.

1. My Cousin Paul can fit a standard size billiard ball in his mouth. He can also tell you how much money is in a stack of money just by looking at it.

2. Hoagy can do an uncanny baby cry. He can also tell you what any medicine is used for and it's side effects.

3. My wife can win any staring contest.

4. I always know what direction I'm facing. I can hold my breath longer than you. In a car trip two hours or less I can tell you within two minutes when we'll arrive. If something is slightly out of reach I can will myself to stretch just enough to snag it.

5. Democrats can always find away to blame it on Bush.

So what is your lame superpower? And don't be a loser and make something up.

And To Think Hoagy Thought He'd Get a Raise...

Back in the 1970s me and Hoag used to work at this horrible department store that I'll call Fonzarelli's. On this one particular day we were told to clean up the back room area. Throw away all of the trash, broken store fixtures, busted mannequins (uh-oh) and whatever else. So we're making pretty good progress when Hoag figures out that it'll be easier if we (he) first busts up the mannequins and then puts them in the trash cans and then take them out to the dumpster (uh-oh!)

Hoag finds this sledgehammer thingy and starts smashing these mannequins up...there are dozens of them and he's starting to get into the carnage of smashing them.

And then he spots the can of paint (uh-oh!), Red Paint (uh-oh!!), now he's really going all Jack Torrance on them creating his own personal My Lai. Bloody headless corpses are strewn all around the back room, 'blood' splattered all over us, and of course... crazy laughter. And then the door opens (uh-oh!!!) and in walks gorgeous Marlene who starts to scream thinking Hoag has just wiped out the entire staff.

There is just no way possible to explain to management why you're covered in blood with three dozens corpses at your feet.

We were never allowed to work together again.

At that job....

My Racist Comment of the Day.

Though I adore Italian & German women, I prefer white chicks.

Standing Up For The Catholic Church

There isn't much worse than sitting through a Catholic Mass. The same droning priests saying the same thing Mass after Mass after Mass. Sit down. Stand up. Sit down. Stand up. The fake mumbo jumbo Latin singing crap....I once even had a priest tell me that the wine was the ACTUAL blood of Christ and that the communion wafer was the ACTUAL body of Christ...(but I'll save that for a blog I'll title Retard Priests) Sit down. Stand up. Sit down. Stand up.

Just put a bullet in my head or play the game me and Hoag play to keep our sanity. Keep in mind the game is better at a wedding mass than at a funeral mass.

The rules are very simple, when the priest tells everyone to sit down just remain standing as long as possible. For years we've been playing this game and I ALWAYS win. Around the 3 second mark The Hoag starts to flinch...maybe a bead of sweat forms. I have him. There's not much better than when I can see him out of the corner of my eye a few pews away start to sit down. I usually stand for at least another second just to rub it in as I know he's jealously watching. The current record is slightly over the five-second mark. Don't laugh at five seconds....five seconds standing up while the whole church is sitting is gut wrenching. Wifey is pleading for me to sit down, kids are covering their faces in embarrassment, maybe a chuckle in the back from a Janet or a Karen. Victory is mine!

Try it. It makes Catholic Church fun!

Let's Make Up Fake Stereotypes and Cultural Facts.

And of course I threw in three real ones.

1. Teenagers always eat hamburgers using only their left hand.

2. Jewish people only drive blue cars.

3. While walking, Irish people always look over their shoulder every twentieth step.

4. Canadian men dress from the top down.

5. The French smell bad and are rude.

6. NY Yankee fans smell bad and are rude.

7. Nothing for #7

8. Bostonians can turn their heads around 340 degrees.

9. Americans have more clothes than hangers.

10. There are NO tanned Beatles fans.

A Fashion Statement

Camouflage clothing.

I can understand our military wearing the beige camouflage out in the desert so maybe they won't get shot at but I don't quite get camouflage as a fashion statement.

When you wear orange camouflage what are you trying to blend in with? Orange Julius employee picnics?

Or how about that nifty blue camouflage. Are you floating in the sky trying to hide from someone?

I've even seen tie-dyed camouflage...you know, so you
could hide out at the Grateful Dead concert or something. Loser.

Now for the good part:

My Cousin Saul (owner of an award winning business) goes
down to Disney World (a hotbed of camouflage wearing cool-
cats) every year or two and when he sees someone wearing
the oh-so-nifty camouflage he bumps into them and totally
pretends he didn't see them. "Oh...I'm sorry, I didn't
see you with that camouflage on"

So help wipe out camouflage as a fashion statement and do
what Cousin Saul does.

(Five bucks says they make camouflage Capri pants...)