Hillary's Downfall

Not for children. Or Hoagy.

John Kerry trolling for college chicks

So my oldest is graduating from college this week and the commencement speaker is none other than....John Kerry.



My pal, John Kerry.



The dumbest guy on earth.



The guy who LOST to Bush after we saw Bush's first term.

That guy.

And when I heard he was the speaker my first thought was disrupttheproceedingsdisrupttheproceedingsdisrupttheproceedings (when I think, I don't space my words)




So anyhow, Liberal Daughter had to make me PROMISE that I wouldn't 'disrupt the proceedings'



Do you have any idea how proud that makes me feel? That my daughter thinks I'd actually disrupt the dumbest guy on the planet when he tells a group of college students how they are about to go out into the world and be stupid like him?



Why would I possibly want to disrupt that?



It's going to be glorious.



(Though if I meet him him I might 'slip up' and call him Mr. President or Mr Heinz.)

Yet another blog about capri pants.

So yesterday we're sitting around the dinner table and somehow it comes up that I don't allow Wifey to wear Capri Pants.

You'd swear I just burned down the Warsaw Ghetto.

Oldest daughter who is just back from being indoctrinated into a LiberalRobot (she's back from college) couldn't BELIEVE that I would forbid (suggest) that Wifey not wear capri pants.

OUTRAGE!

I failed to tell her that Wifey also forbids ME to wear capri pants.

So to sum up:

We're a capri-less family, well, except for Liberal College Teacher Kid who loves looking 10 pounds heavier and three inches shorter.

Happy Manila Envelope Day !

Most folks think of it as Mother's Day.

But my Mom died a few years ago so now I just take the six or seven bucks I would have spent on her and go out and buy some manila envelopes.

Someday (if Al Gore gets his way) they'll do away with manila envelopes and I'll have to do something else special with the six or seven dollars.

The Declaration of Independence (King George a douche)

Ever read it?

Folks think it's this great document. And the beginning of it is.

Kinda.

It says stuff like:

>>>>We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness<<<<<<<<<<<

Good stuff, correct?

Now go do a google search and read the whole thing.

Or should I sum it up?

I should sum it up....is that what you said?

Okay....about to sum up The Declaration of Independence. Possibly the most important document in US history (except maybe my unlimited texting plan with Verizon Wireless)

Here it comes. And I'm not making this up.

After all the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness crap it's basically a document saying what a total douchebag King George is.

Numerous bullet points:

- King George is a douche.

-King George is a douche for taxes.

-King George is a douche for cutting off trade.

-King George is a douche for waging war against us (oh...boo-hoo-hoo....)

-King George is a douche for "quartering large bodies of troops against us" (boo-hoo-hoo)

-King George is a douche for not providing us with Trial By Jury (maybe you should quit breaking laws Mr. Colonist?)

-King George is a douche for 'plundering our seas' (admit it...that sounds kinda cool)

-King George is a douche for 'ravaging our coasts' (so does this)

-King George is a douche because he 'burnt our towns' (maybe not so cool...unless it was Roxbury or something)

And the document just goes on and on slammin' King George left and right.

Could they not say ANYTHING nice about the guy?

Even Hitler liked dogs. No mention of King George liking dogs.

Hitler>King George.

Is popcorn funny?

I've been married a very long time. Very, very long time.

Some of those years have even been happy years.

Those of you that know Wifey know that she rarely gives me the satisfaction of laughing at my antics.

She might laugh inside (doubtful) but not often. Though she will laugh if I cut myself, spill gravy on my leg, or otherwise hurt myself.

But standard humor fails in getting laughs from her. Or smiles.

(I think we all know why she's married to me)

Set-up complete:

So last night I'm eating popcorn and my little puppy is sitting on the floor just looking up at me with the saddest eyes you've ever seen in your life.

And I keep eating.

And she wells up with near tears wanting my popcorn.

And I keep eating.

And she looks so sad. Hungry. It's salted buttered popcorn and she wants some.

And I keep eating and shooting her a glance from time to time.

So very sad.

But I keep eating....enjoying every savory kernel of popped corn. Salt....butter....popcorn.

And my puppy just watches....incredibly sad. So hungry for my corn. Wanting, wanting, wanting....

So I look at her and say:

"It's POPcorn, not PUPcorn!"

And then I look at Wifey and the faintest trace of a smile is on her face.

And I know she adores me.

Dear Hillary,

Step away from the podium...

A Woman's Right To Vote

So last night while eating pizza, ice cream, and popcorn and flipping between the Celtics and The Red Sox I was reading the Constitution or Bill of Rights or something (it was the part with the amendment that gave woman the right to vote)

This happened around 1920 give or take.

And since that time:

-Hitler went from misunderstood artist to mass killer.

-Two atomic bombs were dropped on some asian country.

-A war with Korea.

-A war with Vietnam.

-No war with France.

-Kennedy, Kennedy, and Marty all shot dead.

-Ghandi won best picture over E.T.

-Highlander 2

-2003 ALCS.

-The Twin Towers fell. Or collapsed. Or something.

-and a bunch of other stuff women screwed up.

So to sum up:

Was giving women the right to vote REALLY such a good idea?

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Tomorrow we tackle the Emancipation Proclamation

Today I will solve the Homeless Problem (using the logic of the Hoag)

So the other day we're discussing homeless folks and folks that are hungry and stuff and the Hoag comes up with the solution:

Why don't they just check into the Four Seasons Hotel, get a nice comfy bed, order room service, problem solved.

But as I'm sure you notice there is a flaw to his logic.

Most homeless folks don't have money for nice swank hotels.

So the real problem ISN'T the homeless, it's the moneyless.

So the true solution for the moneyless is for them to sell their homes for a bunch of money, which of course will now make them homeless, but with oodles of cash to now stay and eat at the Four Seasons.

Problem solved.

And folks think us Republicans don't care.

"You build me a card house" (in a southern accent)

Back when the Hoag and I were about 15 years old or so we used to hang around this youth center that catered to drug addicts, problem kids, and hippies.

We mostly went there to hang out, meet chicks, and just stay warm. And it was next to one of the finest bakeries in the world and across the street from a fantastic diner.

So anyhow, each day after skipping school we'd go on down there. The place was set up with wire spools for tables, funky mismatched carpeting, and usually about 40 or so teenagers hangin out.

::getting to the point::

And this one guy, I'll call him Billy, used to sit Indian style on the floor and make card houses. Lots and lots of card houses.

The more he did them, the more elaborate they became.

And each day the Hoag would destroy them.

He's kick 'em over. Swat them over. Somersault over them. Drop rolls of pennies on them. Turn fans on and blow them over. Every which way.

And almost everyday this happened. And each time Billy would say (in a quasi-southern accent) "YOU BUILD ME A CARD HOUSE!"

(practice to yourself saying it with the accent for the full effect)

"YOU BUILD ME A CARD HOUSE!"

And Hoag would laugh and then move on to something else.

Next Day.

:::SMASH:::

"YOU BUILD ME A CARD HOUSE!"

And repeat.

This went on for months. All thru the winter and spring it became a game of sorts. Billy would try and finsish a card house before Hoag showed up and Hoag would try for a new elaborate way of destroying said card house.

And then one summer day it happened. We got down there and Billy wasn't there.

So Hoag decided to finally build him his card house. He used about 12 decks of cards and built this huge house of cards.

And Billy came out from where he was hiding, quietly snuck up on Hoag's card house, and gave it a mighty kick with his bare foot!

WHAM! Cards flew!

Billy screamed!

You see my friends....Hoag had built that card house around a cinderblock and a few bricks we had found out back.

And legend has it that Billy never picked up a deck of cards again....

Dingoes did NOT eat her baby.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,354054,00.html

Balls

Over the years me and the neighbor guy Dave across from my house have played practical jokes on each other.

But not recently.

So this moring I wake up, get out of bed, drag a comb across my head (whoops....Beatles digression)...anyhow, I wake up and look out the window and there scattered all around my front yard are soccer balls.

Lots and lots of soccer balls.

So I go downstairs and say to Wifey "Did you see the front yard?"

And she said "Yup...and I just texted Dave... NICE BALLS!"

I laughed. She laughed.

Then I told her it was Hoagy that left the soccer balls all over our lawn.

And now Dave thinks he has nice balls.

Porn Mule Womb Slaughter

Okay, today we're going to try something different. Or the same. Or something.

I'm gonna read an actual news story and just copy and paste in the highlights. At the end I'll leave a link and you can read the whole story.

But why bother? I'm giving you the good stuff.

1. pornography is a Jewish plot against women

2. "the genocide of the white race" that pornography is causing.

3. One man can now genocide the wombs of thousands of women

4. Porn mule womb slaughter

5. Tony Zirkle looks like the perfect candidate for Congress

6. an invitation to address a group of swastika-wearing, Sieg-Heiling Nazi party members

7. pornography is causing — an "unholy pornocaust" against white Christian women

8. We now have a small army of male black porn stars

9. Abraham Lincoln called for African-Americans to be deported back to Africa

10. I’m the father of three beautiful Jewish Christian children

11. I’m obviously not going to be out for gassing innocent Jews

12. most of the early porn stars were Jewish men

13. infecting them with sexually transmitted diseases that leave them barren




http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,353536,00.html

Do we really want Hillary in charge of The Button?

Actual email sent to Cousin Saul for an ebay item from a douche from France (Where else?)

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Hello,

I well received your message being said me that it lacked 22.70 in dollars for expedier my toy, I send you of the that possible remains it of are it for I had small concerns of bank, but I always want this object therefore I would pay it to you trés quickly.

While thanking you.

Tom Cruise had an affair with Cher

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24375849/

Why do they call it an affair? Shouldn't it just be called dating?

Rumor has it that Tom Cruise also had an affair with Judy Garland, Liza Minelli, and Liz Taylor.

But not all at once.

Rumor also has it that Tom Cruise likes gravy.

I rolled the blog dice and up came GRAVY

I have an eight year old dog (puppy) and she's a tiny little thing...maybe 7 pounds.

For most of those years she only ate puppy food. We tried never to give her food from the table.

And she was fine with it.

But after about 7 years or so I started feeling a bit guilty. So I'd give her a bite of this or a bite of that (She preferred 'bites of that')

And then she came to expect it and she became nervy. Big time nervy. Panting and jumping and running around in circles whenever I was eating and not giving her some.

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

I'm trying to teach or manners. Or something.

So anyhow, last night I'm finishing up dinner at the table (my chair in the TV room) and I decided I'd give her my leftover gravy (how I had leftover gravy is anybody's guess)

I scrape the gravy into her little bowl and then go back to my chair.

She devours the gravy. Smacking her lips and making contented puppy noises.

And then comes back into TV room with a big ol' grin on her face, tail a waggin', and she's just about the happiest person on earth.

She looked like I just gave her a new ipod or something.

The Yard Work Princess

So last week was vacation week at school and my daughter got us a jump on spring yard work.

She edged. She mulched the front. She powerwashed the deck. She stained and waterproofed the deck. And general clean up.

But there was still work to be done. The whole back and sides needed mulch put down. Spring cleanup. And the lawn needed mowing.

But she felt she worked hard enough all week on her vacation so me and Wifey did the rest.

Numerous wheelbarrow loads later....

Wifey finished up her part.....I still had about a half hour to go.

When all of a sudden The YardWork Princess (Nazi? Vampire?) came out into the daylight and slowly sauntered around the house inspecting mine and Wifey's work!

She saw me out back. Lawnmower. Mulch. Rake.

Didn't wave.

Didn't say hello.

Just inspected. Random nods at our work. Slow stroll around the house. More nods.

Never a word.

Back inside house.



The point of the story?

I hope me and Wifey did a good job so we'll get hired again next year.

Happy Birthday, Oldest Daughter!

Back by popular demand...The Switchblade post.

All through the 1960's and 1970's The Hoag (My pal Hoagy's nickname) wanted a real switchblade knife. A big one. He could never get one as they weren't allowed in the state we grew up in. He wanted one bad.

He had every other stupid weapon a kid could want except the damn Switchblade.

Slingshots, wristrockets,brass knuckles,knives,those ninja star things,blackjacks, etc....but no Switchblade.

The 1980's begin and we decide to take a bus to New York City. Me for fun. The Hoag for The Switchblade. We get a hotel in Times Square somewhere around maybe 57th street (The Sheraton City Squire),dump our 'luggage' and head on down to 42nd street.

Now in the early 80's 42nd St. was still one wicked bad place...the second you turn the corner the dealers and whores and every other lowlife would approach you trying to get your money. The first guy just says "mescaline". The second guy says "Whatcha looking for?"

And this is where the story really begins:
So Hoag says (in his cool street voice) "A blade....a big one" And the guy (from now on called the Dude) says "I'll get you one for $100.00...in advance". The Hoag doesn't hesitate for a second and whips out $100 and hands it to the Dude. The Dude tells us to follow him and starts taking us into every sleazy place on 42nd street...peep shows, porn stores, whore houses, dope houses, Popeye's Fried Chicken,...in through the front door, out through the back or side doors, up and down the street when finally the Dude says "wait here"...so we do.

About 5 minutes later the Dude comes out with a package and is kinda panting and says 'Quick...jam this down your pants..the cops!" The Hoag follows instructions and then out of the blue says to the Dude..."here's a little something more for going the extra mile" and slips the guy another $20. The Dude says "Thanks...now cheese it..the cops!"

Let me tell you something, me and The Hoag took off so goddamn fast...we just started running down 42nd street and then took a left and headed to our hotel...15 blocks non stop as fast as we could with cops chasing us...panting, laughing, shoving people out of the way,back and forth across the streets dodging traffic and finally into the revolving door of the City Squire...up the elevator...and finally to our room.

Hoag slams the door. Puts the chain on the door. Bolts the door. Grabs a chair and puts it in front of the door. Draws the curtains. I've never seen him so happy...so excited, so nervous. He pulls the wrapped switchblade out of the front of his pants and sits on the bed. I sit on the other. He's giddy. He starts unwrapping his holy grail...it's beautiful. It's black like he wanted. He holds it. Turns it over in his hand. Smiles. He pushes the button on the handle and the blade swings into action.

The blade is a comb. A $1.49 switchblade comb you can buy in any joke shop in America.

It just might have been the greatest moment of my life.

A Shrimp on Barbie

So did everyone read the creepy story of the 73 years old guy from Austria that kept his daughter stashed down in the basement for about twenty years and had like 6 or 7 kids with her?

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/04/28/austria.cellar/index.html

Some of the kids never ever saw sunlight.

I don't think I'll ever move to Austria if they don't have sunlight there.

GO RED SOX!

Space Shuttle flights...big freakin' deal.

All these years I've thought the Space Shuttle was awesome....blasting off into "space".

Such a risky thing!

Or maybe not.

You see, the Space Shuttle "blasts off" and goes up roughly 100-1000 miles up into what is called low earth orbit.

A hundred miles or so...maybe a few hundred miles up. Whoop-dee-woo!

Big flippin' deal. I drive about 60 miles a day to work.

Earlier this year I flew to Texas which was probably 1800 miles or so.

Am I a "hero" like Space Shuttle "astronauts" who fly all of 100 miles up and then turn off engines and just glide around in a circle?

I don't turn my motor off and I drive on bumpy roads. A hero.

And I have gravity to deal with.

Tech Tone is just a faint but still annoying memory

So to sum up:

Wanna piss me off? Just start beeping.

Wanna make me happy? Don't beep to begin with.

Wanna make me super happy? Don't vote for Hillary.....She's a *beeping* asshole!

Tech Tone

See if you can follow this:

If you've talked to me on the phone in the last two days you've noticed a super annoying beeping on my phone line (tech tone)

I hate super annoying beeping (I get earaches you know!)

So anyhow I call up Verizon to have them fix the problem.

Verizon tells me they are not my provider and I should call whoever is my provider.

So I call AT&T and go thru about 20 minutes of Sexy Computer Voice Tech Help Robot Girl. I'm never actually allowed to ax a question. She prompts me every step of the way.

Just now VERIZON (apparently possibly my provider) called me to let me know a technician will be sent out to fix the problem.

I ask if I'll have to pay them.

They said no, but I might have to pay AT&T.

I've got the tech tone on my line from AT&T and Verizon tells me they'll be out to fix it but I might have to pay AT&T if they come in my shop.

If they don't come in my shop I don't pay AT&T or Verizon.

So if you want to hear actual tech tone give me a call within the next hour or so. It's REAL LOUD on my end....a bit softer on yours. But it's a constant beeping tone due to tech.

Tech Tone.

(I HATE CHEW!)

Basketball Jonez

So I'm listening to the radio this morning and they're interviewing one of the Boston Celtics.

It went something like this:

RADIO GUY: "Pretty impressive win...what are you going to do in game 3?"

BASKETBALL BRAINIAC: "Well....I'll tell you what we're NOT gonna do...we're not gonna rest our laurels."

------------------

Now as a sports fan this concerns me. I get nervous when my sports heroes have tired laurels!

(I'm resting my laurels right now)

SO TO SUM UP:
Play the game, don't speak.

The Wisdom of Cousin Saul

So Cousin Saul is in a store a few months back and sees this woman with a helium-filled mylar balloon with the proclamation in bright letters emblazoned across it that said something like: WORLD'S GREATEST HUSBAND (or something as equally stupid)

So Cousin Saul approaches her and says (I'm paraphrasing):

SAUL: "Hello ma'am, you do know that NO man on Planet Earth likes getting a helium filled mylar balloon for ANY occasion. EVER."

MA'AM: "Oh."

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We also don't like calendars, stuffed animals, 'joke gifts', plants, and other crap you think we'll like.

We DO like: movie passes, gift cards, money, ballgame tickets, t-shirts (NO writing on them) and laser pointers.

Sum Yueng Pup

So I get home last night and notice that my puppy has had a haircut (a furcut?) so asked my daughter.

Here is that conversation:

ME: "Did puppy get a haircut?"

HER: "Yup, I did it today. Doesn't she look Chinese?"

ME: ::laughs::

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But then I thought about it for a few minutes and realized that I never knew that Chinese dogs looked different from American dogs.

Gorilla Warfare 1966

Back when I was a little kid I'd watch the news with my Uncle Len. I'd sit quietly with him each night and watch Walter Cronkite tell the nation (the USA) about the war in Vietnam.

I vividly remember Walter telling us that Guerillas were killing US soldiers.

But I was a little kid and all I heard was Gorillas were killing US soldiers.

GORILLAS!

And as horrible as it was that Gorillas were killing our Army Guys (I called them Army Guys)....it was still kinda neat that we were at war with Gorillas.

And when I went to bed I often thought about my Army Guys fighting Gorillas. And Gorillas killing them.

And once in a while Walter would mention that the Army Guys killed a bunch of Gorillas...and that was cool.

It seemed to get a nod of approval from Uncle Len.

It never dawned on me to question my Uncle Len about the Gorillas. No need to. Walter Cronkite told me every night that Gorillas were surprising and killing our Army Guys.

I think adults thought I was weird watching the news every night.

But it was Gorilla War and I was fascinated by it.

Then for some reason I stopped watching about the Gorillas.

Maybe a year went by. Or so.

And then Uncle Len's son came back from the Army.

He came to my house and he looked awesome in his uniform. Big. Handsome. Tough.

And I remembered the Gorillas.

So I pulled him aside and pretended I wanted to show him something in my room and then asked him if he fought any gorillas.

And he just kinda smiled and said no.

And he had no idea why I asked him that.

But I knew in my heart he killed some Gorillas.

The N Word

So last night Hoag is telling a story and it's vital to the story to use the N Word (Nafrican Namerican)....but we're in a crowded restaurant.

But he says Nafrican Namerican anyhow. Numerous times.

And I'm cringing because he's saying it fairly loud.

And the guys behind him can clearly hear him say Nafrican Namerican.

Like I said...it was important to the story to use the Nafrican Namerican word or the story wouldn't have the impact it did without it.

But still....

::cringe::

The Cerebral One

So last night on buddy nite, Me, The Hoag, and The Blonde were joined by an old friend from the 1970s.

We'll call him Greg.

I haven't seen him since probably 1982.

So we picked up right where we left off and yucked it up for about 4 hours or so. It was better than fun.

It was Greg Fun.

And at one point Greg says to me:

"I always thought of you as the cerebral one, and Hoagy as the slapstick one."

At first I didn't quite agree with that.

Until I thought about it. And dissected it. And mulled it over.

(I'm a muller)

So now maybe I agree.

But I also kinda wish I was the slapstick one. That's a good rep to have.

"Hey! There goes the Slapstick one!....he sure is fun!"

Nobody ever says: "Hey! There goes Joey Cerebral...I wanna hang with him!"

So now the gauntlet has been thrown....and I'm gonna be the Slapstick Cerebral one!

Or at least laugh at Hoag as he tries to win.

Which he won't. Though he does do a mean baby cry, a great Elvis, a fantastic Vinnie Barbarino, a decent Robert DeNiro and most cartoon characters.

Crap.

I'm gonna lose!

-----------------------

Dear Greg,

Thanks for ruining my life.

Love,
The Cerebral One

The Nerd Store

This super cool guy just walked by my shop with his babe-tacular girlfriend (I know he was cool cuz his hat was on backwards) and he said:

"And that's The Nerd Store."



::hold me::

Unpublished blog drafts

Usually when I write one of these blogs I do so right when I get into work before it gets busy.

But every so often I get interupted right off the bat and the blog never gets finished and I lose my whole train of thought.

A few weeks ago I deleted all of those drafts...or so I thought. Three of them I forgot to totally delete.

Here are their titles:

1. AAA

I have no clue whatsover as to what that was gonna be. Baseball? Auto clubs?

2. (untitled post)

Once again no clue. Normally I start with the title first. It makes it easier. But an untitled post could be just about anything. Hillary? Hitler? Hoag? Maybe a blog about food? Country Fried something or other?

and now #3

#3 had potential but looking back on it I have no idea what my train of thought was that day (5/23/07)

3. Beatle on Beatle Crime

I love the title! I'm sure it was a winner!

But I never finished it (or started it)

So guess what? You're gonna write my blog today.

50 words or less on Beatle on Beatle Crime.

Winner gets a prize. Possibly even from me.

Slut Control 2

So last night Wifey was next door and I was alone and wanted to watch the Red Sox.

But the Red Sox were pre-empted by the Bruins(??) playoff hockey(??) game. And the Red Sox were gonna be shown on some other channel.

So I started clicking thru the channels to find the Red Sox (not the Bruins) and came across Slut Control 2 on a On-Demand channel.

And I had this weird desire to watch Slut Contol 2. I might have even demanded it. It was On Demand, afterall.

But it didn't feel right to watch Slut Control 2. Wifey was out and somewhere the Red Sox were on.

But Slut Control 2 kept demanding that I watch it.

But I refused. I was in control. Not Slut Control 2.

There was NO WAY I was gonna watch Slut Control 2.

Slut Control 2.

I could and would resist it's tempting premise.

At least until I saw Slut Control 1.

(Which I heard is the better of the two...though not as good as Slut Control 3.)

PS:
I ended up watching the stupid Bruins game which was actually kinda exciting...though it would have been even better if they were sluts.

The New York Yankees

So I'm at the Red Sox/Yankees game last night. The first seven hours were kinda fun, the second seven hours kinda dragged.

But that's not what I'm here to discuss.

I'm here to discuss fans.

Fans are stupid. Red Sox fans have this urge to chant: "Yankees Suck! Yankees Suck! Yankees Suck!"

Now while true, it gets old quite fast. It's just not clever. Though true.

Truth is not always clever.

Now I'm about to do something I never thought I'd do. I'm about to compliment Yankee fans.

Me.

Complimenting Yankee Fans.

The Yankees have a player named Jorge Posada. I hate him more than any smelley Yankee ever. Chinless milksop that drives me nuts.

And he's good. Looks a bit like a weasel. No chin. Smells odd.

I hate him.

And the name 'Jorge' is pronounced: Whore-Hey!

So the Yankee fans in attendence last night get this chant going when he comes to the plate....and it goes like this:

"Hip Hip Jorge! Hip Hip Jorge! Hip Hip JORGE!"

(Sounds like Hip hip Hooray! Hip hip Hooray!)

And there you have it. Even the suckiest of sucks can be clever.

Yankees suck!

Horror and suffering. Possibly some gravy.

Let's be serious for a bit...there is trouble all around the world.

The US is in a few wars, starving children and genocide in the Sudan, Japanese internment camps still in California, Global warming, flooding, earthquakes, tsunamis, social unrest in China.

So much suffering all around us.

The 'Feeble Minded' experiment north of our border that's gone awry.

Drought, famine, racial bigotry.

So much horror all around us.

So the other night I'm out to eat and I'm sitting at the bar area and the waiter delivers my meal...turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, corn, biscuit....and all covered in gravy.

So in my little part of the world things are good.

WRONG!

I go to put salt on my turkey and instead of just having a normal salt shaker that folks have used since the dawn of the dinosaur I have to use this stupid salt shaker that I have to turn over and grind up the large chunks of salt that is in the jar so it becomes like the FREAKIN' SALT SHOULD BE IN THE FIRST PLACE!
----------------------------------
Dear 99 Restaurant,

Don't complicate my life! Put a damn normal salt shaker on the table! Sorry I didn't go to MIT to learn how to use your stupid salt mulcher!

Idiots.

Something as simple as salt should be as simple as salt. Don't make me think when there is gravy on my plate!

Love,
Steve

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So much suffering in my part of the world.

The Standing Ovation

Very strange.

I'm driving to work today on the Mass Pike and I notice a car pulled over with a guy standing next to it applauding. On the Mass Pike.

And then the more I drove the more I noticed more and more cars pulled over with the (I assume) drivers applauding while standing next to said cars. Dozens of cars.

At first.

So I'm thinking maybe the Red Sox are scheduled to drive by or maybe some soldiers or Obama or something. But there is no mention of it on the radio.

Maybe the marathon is early? Perhaps a parade?

Then I drive by the rest stop/ gas station thingy and now there are like hundreds of people there standing and applauding. And not really at anything in particular.

The closer I get to Boston the more cars are pulled over...on both sides of the Pike! Motorcades don't drive down both sides.

The Pike is now almost deserted of actual cars driving....everyone is on the sides and the lines are now two deep. It's starting to freak me out.

The applauding stays constant.

Finally it's time to get off the Pike and the off-ramp is now clogged with folks clapping and whistling and hooting and hollering!

And the Toll Guy is standing in front of his booth and waves me thru without paying! And he's clapping.

Very odd.

So now I'm driving on side streets to my shop. And guess what?

Folks are standing in front of their houses and clapping and hootin' and hollerin'...so I decide to start going down even smaller side streets to see if it ends.

It doesn't! Every little side road all the way to my shop has folks applauding and smiling and just whoopin' it up.

Finally I get to where I'm going. I park out back and walk around to the front.

HA!

All the shop owners and customers are lining the street as if a parade is coming by or something. Smiles everywhere!

But there is no parade. No police. None of the usual signs of anything unusal.

Virtually no traffic. Just folks clapping.

And clapping. And clapping.

Finally I just go up to the guy next door and ask him:

ME: "So what the heck is going on? Did we win a war or something? For the last twenty miles folks have just been screaming and clapping and having a good old time. What is going on?"

HIM: "It's 65 degrees out and the sun is shining! Rejoice my friend! The long winter of hell is over!"

----------

PS: I made all that up. It didn't really happen.

It should have.

The Hitler

About two weeks ago this guy walks by my shop and he's sportin' a Hitler mustache.


Really.


Is that a chick magnet?


A statement?


A drunken style choice?


A new trend?

What posseses one to walk around with said Fuhrer Fuzz?

Now most guys at one point or another in their lives have 'experimented' with a Hitler 'stache. But only when alone in a locked bathroom when they can seig heil in private (and maybe comb their hair in the Hitler 'do.)

But out in public? A Hitler Mustache? I think not.

In fact it's in the handbook: NO HITLER 'staches IN PUBLIC. EVER! (Halloween exemption)

I havn't seen ol' Joey Stachey McGruder since he walked by....but I'm hoping he pops in sometime. Might be a hoot.

Did I mention I think he was Mexican? (The guy, not Hitler)

(I love mentioning race when it has nothing to do with the story. OLE!)

It's Opening Day at Fenway Park

Leave me alone.

Scoldy, The Kung-Fu Panda

So the other night I was at the movies and in the lobby was a large cardboard stand-up advertising a new Pixarian film called KUNG-FU PANDA.

Seems like a cute idea. Giant panda that uses the lost art of kung-fu.

Kung-Fu Panda.

I was sold just by the name alone.

Until I got to my seat and the lights went dim.

The show started by having a 'presentation' of the rules of the cinema told to me by...yup, the KUNG-FU PANDA.

No this, no that. No Cell Phones.

And then he got angry and pointed right at me and said in his deep menacing Panda voice: "AND NO TEXTING!! People can hear YOU!!"

Keep in mind I was at an IMAX theatre about to see the Rolling Stones. Nobody could hear me texting. If in fact I was texting.

Which I was.

Until ScoldyLocks shamed me.

I HATE CHEW KUNG-FU PANDA!!!

Chuck Chuck Bo Buck, Banana Fana Fo Fuck

Fee Fi Fo Fuck....CHUCK!

You will be missed my friend.

(Soylent Green was people)

Ladies and Gentlemen....The Rolling Stones!

So we go to the IMAX theatre last night to see SHINE A LIGHT (the new Rolling Stones movie by Martin Scorsese) and it was amazing how distracted The Hoag got by the Kung-Fu Panda cardboard stand-up thing in the lobby.

But anyhow....the movie review:

Fantastic sound, great to look at.

The actors playing the Rolling Stones seemed a bit old and ugly, but all and all they did a great job making you believe they were really The Rolling Stones.

I think it was Kurt Russell playing Keith and I think Jon Cryer played Mick.

The Robot Burger King...Marty?

Did I imagine this?

Did I Have A Dream?

As if the Burger King king ain't creepy and scary enough, now they have Robot Burger King.

I'll call this king Marty, in honor of Martin Luther King who was "shot to death" 40 years ago today.

And everytime from this day forward when eating a Burger King burger I will think of Marty.

The Civil Rights Marty, not the robotic new Robot Burger King.

(I wonder when someone will shoot the Burger King?)

Why I'm a failure.

I'll tell you why.

As hard as I try I can't talk like Yoda. I just can't get the speech pattern down and it kinda pisses me off.

Hoag can do it well. He says stuff the Yoda way and even sounds like him.

Cake can do it well when typing. I have no idea if she can actually sound like him.

When I try and speak like Yoda (and who doesn't!) I sound more like Bizarro Superman.

Or a retard.

It ain't fair.

I could try right here for you all but I'd just be ridiculed. And we can't have that.

(GOD....I hope I don't throw a baseball like a girl)

Bad Palindromes

A Man, A Plan, A Canal, Suez

Out of Context Theatre

The following is from something written by one of our presidential candidates. In his own words.

It's easy to guess who said all of this.





-I reached down with my mouth

-I went up to the top again

-and it would last for a long time

- About an hour later in came a guy called "The Cat."

-who came in "for special attention"

-A lot of them were homosexual

- I pulled

-The mob was really getting up-tight.

-successful moon shot

-from young people

-dressed only in my skivvies

-The Rabbit and the others worked on Dick Stratton very hard.

-They just pounded the hell out of him

- Another beautiful thing

-it was a riot

-he was a wrestler in college

-Sometimes I got it three or four times a week.

-The Soft-Soap Fairy came to my room one day

-We started bathing

-It was all very amazing

-I stayed in that one

-I received my first package

-I loved them

-I had a hell of a hemorrhoid

-There would be a red glow

-We called him Slopehead.

-but it was filthy dirty

-very hard to chew

-You're a black criminal.

-but I kept vomiting

-The Oriental, as you may know, likes to beat around the bush quite a bit.





And that my friends is another installment of Out Of Context Theatre!


Hope you enjoyed!


If I feel like it I'll post a link to the complete production later.

John Adams

So everyone has been gushing about the HBO series John Adams and how great it is.

I don't have HBO so I'm out of the loop.

But Wifey bought the book that the series is based on.

And I read about a third of it yesterday. And it's fantastic.

So now I'm ahead of the loop. Which means I'm better than you.

And don't get me started on Thomas Jefferson...'Mister We Want Freedom and Independence'...'Mr I Have 200 Slaves Douchebag'. And George Washington....Georgey I Have 100 Slaves and wear a fancyman wig'

And for some reason John Adams ain't on our money but these prick racist slave owners are?

John Adams is awesome. George and Thomas not so much.
.
And Ben Franklin is kind of a bumbling fool.

So To Sum Up:
Yesterday I could have watched Planet of the Apes...you know, that movie about Apes making humans their slaves but instead I read about John Adams.

You should too.

PS:I watched some of the morning news shows yesterday and Hillary was extra screachy. With that voice of hers I can picture her as the white Prissy going all Butterfly McQueeny in the White House....you know, when someone else gets elected.

I'm from Bulgaria

A gal just walked by the shop wearing a shirt that said 'I'm From Bulgaria' on the front.

I was shocked she wasn't attractive.

Willie Mays

So we're out last night at one of those authentic Japanese restaurants (you know...were the chef is Vietnamese)...and they cook and perform at your table.

Dicing and slicing and flames and flippin' and serving and yin-yang-yowing and stuff.

So the Vietnamese chef (his name was Louie) grills up some zuccinni and flips it up in the air for the Blonde to catch in her mouth.

Well, the Blonde ain't no good at it and she looks a bit like a retarded seal at the Special Seal Olympics and the piece of zuccinni falls to the floor.

Very sad.

And then Louie flicks a piece high in the air for me to catch with my mouth. It was like in slow motion...turning and twisting towards me...the crowd was roaring, anticipation was in the air (along with the grilled squash)..and like Willie Mays in the '54 World Series I was all about the CATCH.

And I caught it in my mouth, we won the World Series, and the crowd roared.


Well, maybe not roared. In fact, by the time the zuke hit my mouth the Blonde and the Hoag were already discussing something else.

Point of the story?
Vietnamese are the best Japanese. And I can catch squash in my mouth like a non-retarded seal.

If seals ate squash.

The handle was made out of crackers.

Don't you hate when you're having an argument with someone and then seven hours later you come up with a brilliant retort.

But now it's too late?

I hate that.

Or when you think of the funny thing you should have said....five hours ago.

I hate that.

Do you remember earlier today when I blogged about the crappy squee-gee I bought?

Did I mention the handle was made out of crackers and the blade part was made of balsa wood?

:::huge volumes of laughter:::

Thank you...thank you....

Everything is a dollar!

Well, today I went into a dollar store for my first time. I needed a squee-gee thingy to wash the windows.

The sign on the Dollar Store proclaimed in huge letters...EVERTHING IS A DOLLAR!

They seemed to be running a special on wireless accessories for $7.99

My squee-gee cost a dollar, but it broke (I'm not making this up) fifteen seconds after I took it out of the package.

So To Sum Up:
My windows are dirty, I'm out a dollar, and Hillary is a big ugly dyke.

Finally...the Letter Game !

The subject today will be Hillary and her beauty.

Your letters are:

D-M-H-F-A-T

The rules are simple...make up a sentence using those letters as the first letter of each word. Sentence must be six words and speak of Hillary Clinton's natural beauty.

Winner will get a free vomit bag or laser eye surgery.

Or something.

It's Opening Day

And the Red Sox just won. In Japan.

::bows::

Here are some things that normally bother me but won't today because it's Opening Day.

1. Cousin Saul's movie reviews.

2. Capri Pants...go ahead Broads, wear 'em, I don't care today!

3. People that don't get to the point. Ramble all you want. I'll pretend I'm listening.

4. Yankee fans. Go ahead...root for your second place team all you want. It's adorable.

5. Julia Roberts

6. Hillary Clinton

7. Al Gore and his phony-baloney global warming money making scheme.

8. John Kerry/Celene Dion...no need for a long face today....it's Opening Day!

9. Peas. (I HATE CHEW!) but today...we're friends.

10. car salesmen/cell phone providers/telemarketers/contractors/auto mechanics (though I will hate them twice as much tomorrow.

SO TO SUM UP:
It's Opening Day. Life is good.

The Flirtini

Wifey and I were out at a restaurant Saturday night and decided to eat in the bar area.

Female bartender.

And something called a Flirtini on the drink menu. A Flirtini.

I have no desire to drink said concoction. But I do have an overwhelming desire to order one.

And I want to order the Flirtini in a very flirtacious way. With the female barkeep.

So I practice on Wifey a few of my 'flirty' ordering ways.

First One: No reaction

Second One: No reaction

Third one: "Knock it off...you're an idiot."

Fourth one: ::tiny, tiny upward curve of Wifey's mouth showing how amused she is::

FEMALE BARKEEP: "Can I get you two some drinks?"

ME: "Yup...we'd like such and such bottle of wine."

The Point Of Story?:
It ain't about the Flirtini...it's about Wifey every once in a great while showing her mouth curl up into a slight smile when I act like an asshole in a public place.

PS:
The bartender was kinda plain so I decided not to waste my flirtin' chops on her.

Real guns that look like toys.

This might be the dumbest story ever.

These aint toy guns that look real...these are real guns that look like toys.

And folks are bitching about this.

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=4501190&page=1

Proof that the Bible is all truth

If it was fiction there wouldn't be two characters named Mary. And there wouldn't be two key guys named John.

In fiction that would be way too confusing.

So To Sum Up:

I'm now going to heaven.

A Romantic Interlude at the IANO Household

I'm getting ready to leave for work this morning and I put my arms around Wifey's waist and look her in the eye and say:

ME: "Will you marry me?"

WIFEY: "No."
-------------------------------------

Brings a tear to your eye, correct?

Random Bible thoughts on Easter Week

So you go into most folks homes and they have a bible. Maybe even two or three.

And you know what's weird? Most of them are in pristine condition. (usually in Catholic households)

Which means one of two things: They're either very careful when reading them or they never read them at all.

Now most of you that know me, know that I'm not religious. But I've read the bible. I read it like a book. A history book. I started at the beginning and read it right thru. Once.

The first half reads like fiction. I think the second half is supposed to be non-fiction.

The first half (the made up stuff) is all sci-fi-ey with folks living until they're 800 years old and powerful beings creating stuff (and resting and stuff)....probably some dinosaurs in there and some begottin' and some beholdin'

And then you get to the important part of the book.

The Jesus parts.

And it's all blah blah blah LOVE blah blah blah LOVE blah blah blah LOVE blah blah blah LOVE.

And that gets boring. I'd rather be with my wife or kids or friends whom I ummmm....LOVE. Crap. (and when I say LOVE my friends, that means the female friends. The guy friends, I like)

Or maybe watch some TV shows and movies and read me some books which I ummmmmmm....uhhhh....LOVE.

But the Bible keeps talking about Love this one and Love that one (I'd swear the Bible was writin' by the Beatles or something)
______________

And don't you hope that one day they'll find all those missing chapters of the Bible when Jessie was a teenager and flirtin' with chicks and causing mischief. God don't want ya seeing those years. The Christ was wild. I think.

--------------------------------------------

And then when you do go into someone's home that has a well read beat up Bible, it's got like thirty little pieces of paper bookmarking different passages.

Can't these people remember what they've read? Why don't they just read the whole thing again...from start to finish? You know, because it's a book. With a beginning, a middle, and an end.

I love the STAND by Stephen King but I don't just read the Tunnel scene over and over again....I read the whole book. Cuz It's great and I love it. Just like Jesus told me. (Now I want to read the tunnel scene...crap)

-------------------------
One more thing about the Bible.

For folks that don't want to spend a lot of money:

Whenever you get invited to a wedding, give the bride and groom a new Bible that they won't read. They'll think how special it is is and it'll only set you back $20.00 or so. And nobody would dare call you a cheap bastard.

You gave them a Bible that they'll Love not reading!

Possibly Resting I. P.

No, no, no.....not Kinchloe from Hogan's Heroes. Though we'll give him an R.I.P. anyhow.

Today's blog is kinda sad as someone we all liked probably died today from botched surgery.

I'm just glad they didn't owe me money.

Very, very sad that you're probably dead.

You might be missed if you died.

If you survived....well, it's kinda like it was yesterday.

Only more rain.

Why Jews don't eat pork.

(I saw those eyes roll!)

I'm gonna tell you why Jews don't eat pork. It should be riveting.

Years and years ago there was This Jew who was a friend of The Jesus and right before The Jesus was about to be killed This Jew ran out from the crowd screaming:

"No Kill Jesus! No Kill Jesus!" (That's how they talked back then)

But they did anyhow (but that's another story for later this week)

So over the years the story got passed down about the Brave Jew who tried to stop the murder of Jesus.

But the guy passing down the story was partially dyslexic and it got translated as: "No Llik Susej, No Llik Susej."

Which sounded like: "No lick sausage, no lick sausage!"

And the Jews obeyed the message.

And that my friends is why Jews don't eat pork (which is stupid because pork is bacon, sauasage, ham, and baby back ribs...and why wouldn't you want to eat those? !)

R.I.P the second B in ABBA

You will be missed.

http://music.aol.com/news/story/_a/abba-drummer-found-dead-in-garden/20080317073909990002

This should only take 44 seconds.

Yup...it's a dream I had.

Having a party at my house and I'm going around the room and taking drink orders when all of a sudden I get to Bill Clinton sitting on my sofa.

ME: "Hi Bill...what can I get for you?"

BILL CLINTON: "How about a bottle of grub..."

Then I woke up wondering what the heck a bottle of grub was.

PS
Earlier in the dream Hillary appeared, and no lie...she was charming and I was flirting with her.

PPSS
In real life I think Hillary is a bottle of grub.

Dear Al Gore, You big stupid annoying idiot who lost to George W. Bush and knows nothing about anything and should just go away and leave us all alone

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,337710,00.html

Important Folks

Years ago before cell phones, me and The Hoag went to Las Vegas for a trade show, and every day at meal time the Hoag would ask the manager of the restaurant in the hotel for a phone to be placed on our table.

And like everything in Vegas, they take care of your requests.

So for six days and eighteen meals we had a phone on our table. Almost BatPhone-ish.

But nobody we knew had that phone number or even wanted to call us.

But we had a phone on our table! And we were important.

Guess who?

He was a man of peace

He was strangely attractive

He had exceptional vigor

He was surprisingly conciliatory, sensitive and warm.

He loved children

Landlords all remembered him for his civility and pleasant disposition

He devoured the books of three public libraries

He dreamt fleetingly of becoming a Benedictine monk.

He had an inner strength and was guided by his spirit and his instincts

His intellectual curiosity was limitless.

His thirst for knowledge was unquenchable

At no stage in his life did he spend anything on himself

He wrote poetry

He believed deeply in God

At midnight he would interrupt his work and prepare the food for his dog

It was an entirely natural thing for him to stop his car and share his food with young cyclists along the road.

He had deep blue eyes that many found bewitching

He could not bear to eat meat, because it meant the death of a living creature.

The very clarity of his reasoning made everything obvious.

He knew far more than thousands of diploma-decorated academics

You can read more about this dude here: http://library.flawlesslogic.com/enigma.htm

(all the above are from the article in the link)

The Four Ounce Penis

I'm driving to work this morning and out came that fact on the radio.

The average human penis weighs four ounces. Even in it's different incarnations.

Four ounces.

And of course with a tidbit ::snicker:: like that, it made me think...

1. Who is doing the weighing?

2. Does it pay well?

3. Benefits? ::snicker::

4. Doesn't Hillary look like she could lose more than four ounces?

Four ounces. Seems so insignificant.

The least these weighers of penis could do is call it a Quarter Pounder. Seems so much more....so much more....so much more...ummmmm....meaty or something.

Four ounces.

Just another reason not to vote for Hillary.

Maybe it ain't just Sparkle and Lois on The Dope

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,336817,00.html

Bad Tattoos

Over there on my links list is something called Bad Tattoos (no...Bacon Ace ain't on there. Yet.)

Anyhow, go over there and click thru the Bad Tattoos. Are people just messed up?

One guy has a tattoo of Corky from Life Goes On.

Corky.

The retard. A real retarded guy.

And some other retarded guy thought it would be cool to have a Corky tattoo. A tattoo of a retarded guy with little lines under his eyes showing off that weird retarded eye thing that retarded guys have.

Well, guess what? It ain't cool to put a retarded guy on your arm.

Unless you're my wife.

(Notice the seamless way I tossed in the punchline before you could?)

What it feels like to stab a guy in the eyes.

It feels good. Real good. Brownies with walnuts good.

I was in a little village in Cambodia (or was it Laos?) when all of a sudden I just started stabbing myself in the left eye.

It felt good. Real good. Brownies with walnuts good.

So To Sum Up:

I'm using a new template on this blog and needed something to write. The new and improved I AINT NO OPRAH is no longer going to be Politically Correct. We're gonna call a spade a spade. And a Jew a Jew. And a Hillary a scum sucking whore bitch.

If needed.

My views on abortion.

I don't care if you have one.

I don't care if you don't have one.

I don't care if they make them illegal.

I don't care if they're legal.

I don't care if you have one 8 months 29 days into pregnancy.

I don't care if you have one every year.

I don't care if you kill your three year old, your twelve year old, or your eighteen year old.

I don't care if you let them live either.

I don't care if you call it pro-choice, pro-life, or pro-death.

I'm never gonna have an abortion. Unless I get pregnant.

If they outlaw it and one of my daughters needs or wants one I'll pay for her to have one in another country.

Or maybe not. I don't care.

If they make it against the law and someone can't afford to have one...I don't care.

If you can't afford an abortion and have the baby and then put said baby in a dumpster I don't care.

Do whatever you want, but just shut up about it already.

I've got TV to watch.

The Democrats ain't like a box of chocolates

Cuz you know exactly what you're gonna get. And stupid is what stupid does. Or something else equally Forrest Gumpy.

What am I talking about you ask?

First off, as dumb as George Bush is, he's still smarter than Gore or Kerry.

This year I was all ready to vote for a democrat for the first time in my life. I fell for the Obama charm.

And then the Democrats showed their ugly stupid heads and screwed up the whole primary thing by not allowing the Florida or Michigan primaries to count because those stupid democrats from those states decided to hold primaries early EVEN THOUGH IT WAS AGAINST THE RULES AND THEY KNEW THEY WOULDN'T COUNT!!!

And now these dolts want to hold primaries again in these states.

Well, guess what? IT COSTS TAYPAYER DOLLARS TO HOLD PRIMARIES!!!!

But Democrats LOVE spending taypayer dollars on stupid things. Because they are stupid.

Screw Obama. Screw Hillary (well...maybe not screw) And screw all you retarded Democrats.

Bush is stupid, democrats are stupider. Downright dum.

Don't put Terminator in a corner.

I'm gonna discuss the new Sarah Connor: TERMINATOR tv show.

Have you seen it? It's pretty good. It has a gorgeous Sarah Connor. An adorable John Connor. And a very sexy 'good' Terminator named Cameron.

Sounds good, correct?

Well...I'm about to tell you the very last scene of the last episode of season one.

Okay?

Here goes:

The 'good' indestructable Terminator (Cameron) is in a truck when all of a sudden someone (I forget who) blows up said truck. With Cameron inside.

FADE TO BLACK.

So what's the problem? Seems like a pretty good suspenseful cliffhanger, correct?

WRONG!!

Why wrong?

Cuz a flippin' indestructable Terminator don't get no hurt by no flippin' truck explosion.

The proper ending should have been gorgeous Sarah Connor in said truck. Maybe with some torn clothes and stuff. CUZ SHE IS HUMAN AND CAN GET HURT!!!

(Patrick Swayze should be the evil Terminator)

Rare Hellen Keller photo found

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/05/helen.keller.ap/index.html

But it turns out to be just a photo of Cathy Lane.

R. I. P. pretty darn soon, Patrick Swayze

::squeezes Baby into a corner::

http://www.stuff.co.nz/4428214a5620.html

R.I.P. Gary Gygax

Cousin Saul just informed me of the sad loss of this great man.

Gary left behind his wife, an orc, a couple of dwarfs, and his lucky ten sided dice.

Kansas City Faggots

Wow! Such a title!

Let me explain.

Back in 1974 Mel Brooks put out a spoof western movie named 'Blazing Saddles' and in said spoof someone (Taggart?) says "Kansas City Faggots"

Now fast forward to this morning on the Mass Pike.....I pass a huge truck from Missouri with the words : KANSAS CITY, MO emblazoned on the side.

KANSAS CITY, MO....not Kansas City, Missouri. (MO is slang for homosexual)

And with two facts like that, I can only surmise that Kansas City is THE hotbed for homosexual activity in America.

Sorry San Francisco!

The greatest quote of the week!

I read all sorts of news items. Tons, in fact.

The following was in a New York newspaper today. It's great with or without the full story.

--------------------------------------

"I got pushed down and trampled, but instead of money, all I got were tomatoes," said a dejected 29-year-old homeless woman who gave her name as Christine.

-------------------------------------------------------

The Gnal Head

What you are about to read is true. At first you won't believe it. But it is true.

I was there. The Hoag was there.

And here is the tale:

Let me start off by mentioning that it wasn't just a Gnal Head....but it was a Red Gnal Head.

Which are the worst kind. I think.

Anyhow, the time was the early 1980s and me and Hoag were driving home from buddy night when all of a sudden it appeared as we rounded a bend on Rt.9.

It was huge and it scared the crap out of us. In fact, I think we both pointed at it and screamed at the same time. The screams were borderline girlish.

It was by the lakeside. It was the Red Gnal Head! And it freaked us out.

We kept driving and made it home safely. But we never forgot it.

Even to this day almost 25 years later we still bring it up. We've never told anybody about it before because we knew they wouldn't believe us.

Nobody had ever seen the Red Gnal Head before...and maybe nobody will ever see it again.

We still drive by that same exact spot. We always comment on that night years and years ago.

Still scary. Still freaked out.

All that is there now is a lighted sign that says: Red Signal Ahead.

R.I.P. William F. Buckley

Shame about that ball going thru your legs back in '86. Other than that, I don't hate you. Much.

Rest in Peace, Billy Buck!

Someone sent me this Jesus/God/Satan oneliner list

And I feel compelled to make fun of it. It's God's will. Or Smith's Will. Or Will Robinson's will.



Or something.



1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.



2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.



3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.



4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.



5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.



6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.



7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.



8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.



9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.



10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.



11. The church is prayer-conditioned.



12. When God ordains, He sustains.



13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.



14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.



15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.



16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.



17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.



18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.



19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.



20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.



21. He who angers you controls you.



22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.



23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.



24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.



25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.



26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you.

I was gonna make comments and goofs on each and every one of these but it would have made this blog ten times longer than this is already and it's already longer than anything ever and I'm starting to fall asleep. Here are my Cliff Notes versions of what I would have put down.

#3 and #4 were gonna be Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton jokes,

#1 was gonna be a Lima Bean joke,

#2 was gonna be a Brooke Shields joke,

#5 was gonna be a EXCLAMATION MARK!!,

#6 was going to ditto #5,

#7 was going to be in the voice of Pee-Wee Herman forgetting to laugh,

Nothing for #8,

Nine was gonna be a cremation joke,

#10 was gonna be a vote for Obama cuz he's all about change,

#11 was gonna get vomited on cuz it's so bad,

I have no clue what #12 even means. Religious freaks!,

I kinda like #13...it's just well written,

#14 somehow made me nod my head,

Nothing for #15,

Is god so clever and witty that he'd like #16? I think not.,

#17...why would God walk?

I'm guessing the devil has a nice car. Fast one...a red one. It's got the number 18 on it's door.

#19? stupid.

#20 is stupid.

#21 is stupid and I'm getting bored with the Lord.

#22 God must love the puns. I'm pretty much hating them.

#23 basically says that Satan is 11 inches tall.

#24 "Ace abortion...you rape 'em, we scrape 'em" That's kinda what #24 sounds like. Or something.

#25 has me drifting off.

#26 is actually quite good. I wish I wrote #26 myself.

So To Sum Up:
God good. Satan bad. Hillary is a bitch.

Still more on Fidel Castro

So Fidel resigns. People are relieved.

For close to fifty years folks were in an uproar about Fidel's human rights violations and blah blah blah. Fidel was evil blah blah blah. He was keeping his people poor blah blah blah*.

Calm it down folks. Keep it in perspective.

He wasn't doing anything bad to white people or black people. He was just doing it to Cubans.

Damn stinkin' brown people! That speak funny! And drive 1957 Chevys! And play baseball. And make the cane of sugar.

And who cares about Cubans? They're gosh darn commies! ('gosh darn' in Cuban sounds like gibberish words...kinda like senor avec la flour bifteck)

*blah blah blah means I could go on and on and on about something but I really don't know what I'm talking about so by putting in blah blah blah it appears I have knowledge of the subject I'm writing about. Blah blah blah.

Spicy Buffalo Wings

So I'm preparing merchandise for shipment (I'm packing a box) and I start applying a clear adhesive strip (tape) to the container (box) when all of a sudden I realize that the clear adhesive strip (tape) smells like Spicy Buffalo Wings (chicken wings with barbecue sauce on them)

Tape that smells like buffalo wings! It's awesome and now I'm starving for them.

I'm just hoping when I finally get them I don't get an overwhelming urge to start preparing merchandise for shipments.

Cuz that would suck (not be good).

Cuz I'd have Buffalo Sauce (BBQ sauce) all over my fingers and the merchandise would get all BBQuie.

And now the merchandise would smell of Spicy Buffalo Wings.

The Circle of Life....the Circle of Life....

Let's sum up the Oscars (even though I didn't watch)

1. Jon Stewart was mildly amusing.

2. A bunch of the pictures nominated you've never heard of.

3. A bunch of the actors nominated you've never heard of.

4. They showed Jack Nicholson in the audience a few times. Most likely he was wearing sunglasses and laughing.

5. Johnny Depp was probably in the audience trying to look all sophisticated with glasses and interesting clothing.

6. If they showed Tommy Lee Jones there is a good chance that people all over the world recoiled and said: "Oh my god....he's so old and ugly!"

7. Someone won for some category that's dull and then proceeded to thank a bunch of folks you never heard of and then the music played them off.

8. Somebody accepting an award didn't quite understand how good microphones are and got way too close and hunchbacked while speaking into it. Hey Doofus! You don't have to do that! It can pick up your voice...just talk!!

9. When they showed the dead guys montage, Heath Ledger got the biggest applause. Nobody clapped for that assisstant gaffer from the 1950s.

10. People 'laughed' at 'jokes' about the ceremony going too long.

11. They showed Jack Nicholson again. He was still wearing sunglasses and laughing.

12. Gay folks wore red ribbons and cured AIDS. Al Gore sycophants wore green ribbons and cured "global warming"

13. Nothing for #13

14. Five horrible musical numbers were performed honoring the five nominated horrible best songs.

15. A star was a presenter and they somehow promoted his/her new movie with theme music from said new movie and or TV show.

16. A gorgeous actress presenter had to ruin her whole look by putting on goofy glasses to read her two lines off the teleprompter...instead of just memorizing them BECAUSE SHE'S AN ACTRESS AND IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO MEMORIZE LINES!!!!

17. Johnny Carson or Billy Crystal would have done a better job hosting.

18. There were seven jewish jokes. Most of them about agents and lawyers.

19. The best picture probably sucked. The best actor probably sucked. The best actress was probably British.

20. I watched episodes of HEROES on dvd....

Cuba Gooding Jr.

Well, it seems that Cuba Gooding Jr. has become very, very powerful...if not un-American.



According to CNN.COM ( http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/americas/02/24/cuba.handover/index.html) he gets to choose the replacement for Fidel Castro.

He's also slated for work on Snow Dogs 2.

(Fidel Castro was not in Snow Dogs 1.)

New word game!

So if we take seven random numbers and assign them each to a letter of the greek alphabet and then swap them out three places further down would it make sense to then roll a pair of dice to calculate what letters were gonna use in today's new word game?

Let's try the numbers 2-7-1-8-8-9

Things overheard in my shop today.

"Are you trying to bribe an officer?"

"I had a white eyepatch after getting a tree branch stuck in my eye...they called me Stick Fury."

"You've got a Hawaiian Dick."

"If I threw up in your mouth would you swallow it or spit it up and ruin some comics?"

'Why do they call him Droopy?"

"Is the price what the price sticker says?"

"I am an expert on Thor."

"Nice shirt."

"Are there any good shops around here?"

"Where can I discard this soiled tissue?"

"Can I use your bat room?"

"It was the 1980s..."

"Do you have any bunson burners?"

"Do they ticket outside?"

"Did a boy about this high come in?"

"I'd f*ck me some She-Hulk."

"My legs get all swollen so I can't work."

"We should steal Yoda."

"Can you hold these for me in case my regular shop is sold out of them?"

"Catch ya on the flip-side!"

"Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Look it's Superman ::pointing at Green Lantern:: "

"Righty-O!"

"I remember when they were a nickel."

The new blog rules are in!

1. The 45 second retelling of a dream rule has been raised to 50 seconds.

2. Posting of YouTube videos is mailing it in.

3. Posting of YouTube videos over 1 minute long will not be watched to the end of said video.

4. Blogging is about getting to the point.

5. Hitler is always good for a blog when ya really have nothing to talk about. It's Hitler...what's not to love?

6. Movie reviews? Verbotten!

7. Food is always good for blog fodder. Mmmmmmm.....fodder! With brownies!

8. Calling me No Oprah is crazy...I'm Ain't No Oprah. Understand the math? Retards.

9. Using the words beauty and Hillary in the same sentence is forbidden...unless said sentence goes like this: 'That was a beauty of a rock thrown at Hillary.' Or something.

10. There is nothing for #10

11. When in doubt...BEATLES GAME!

12. Poofy shall only be used when talking about Hoagy's hair....never when discussing sexuality.

13. Did we mention Hitler?

14. Numbered lists are always cool for blogs...it makes reading fun!

.......and a bunch of other rules I'll make up as you piss me off.

Victor Fleming and Fidal Castro

A few of you might know who Victor Fleming is....but not many of you.

Go ahead...google him.

Victor Fleming directed Gone With The Wind and The Wizard of Oz. That in itself is pretty cool, correct?

But the really cool part is that he directed them in the same year, 1939.

So what does this have to do with Fidal Castro resigning?

Nothing.

But it's kinda cool that Fidal was in power thru 10 US Presidents.

Two totally random pieces of information now forever linked together because I just linked them.

Victor Fleming > Fidal Castro

Woof !

So I'm driving down the Pike this morning and I see a bumper sticker that says:

'Woof! If You Support Rescue and Adoption.'

This can only mean one of two things.

Us humans woof.

Or...

The dogs are now a reading.

R.I.P. for Anyone

Yup.

R.I.P. Joe from the old Rhoda TV Show

Whatever your real name is. You'll be missed by folks that know that real name.

They are probably sad.

Us?
Not so much.

I HEART Today

You can just about feel the love. It's special and it overtakes every fiber of our beings.

Some folks make fun of today because they say it's manufactured or fake or something.

But it's real. It's amazing what it's like when this love overwhelms you....takes you over. Brings you back to all of those other special days together. It's love and like and everything else in between.

I always try and act like today doen't choke me up. Sometimes my eyes fill with tears just from the pure unadultered love that truly flows on this most special of days. I fell in love with you in the 1970s and it's stronger than ever.

Yes folks, today is special.

Today is February 14th.

And I'm thinking of you...My darlin' Wifey. My Blonde Buddy T, Bacon Ace, and Tex. Lois and Clinky. Ex Mrs Bacon Ace. Cake, Mother of Gawd, RedBeard....my friends and lovers on HaloScan, my friends in the neighborhood....Rick from Casablanca...(hell, even Juanita and Maddog and Hoagy and Sparkle and Jayne and Cousin Saul and all of you other loveless bastards....even they can feel the love and the beating of my heart)

Today is February 14th and today is the day that Pitchers and Catchers report to spring training.

And stupid Hallmark doesn't have a card for it so I had to write it down here.

I love you Baseball....I've missed you. And I hate Hillary.

Needs me some sleeps

So I'm tossing and turning most of the night. I couldn't sleep. The same thoughts just kept pouring through me brain.

It was driving me crazy. How could it be? It makes no sense!

Over and over and over I tried thinking it through. I tried being like scientist and coming to a conclusion that was based on the data I had.

It still made no sense. It was and is borderline insane.

Tossing. Turning.

I almost went downstairs and fired up a computer to search online for the answer.

But I knew it wouldn't be there. I wondered if others knew what I knew. Were they losing sleep because of it? Could we, together, solve this?

Probably not.

Hopefully by writing this down it'll be out of my system and sleep will come back to me.

I hope.

The problem?

The plural of FISH is FISH.

Example:
"Hey look! I caught one fish!"

Example: Hey look! I caught ten fish!"

So to sum up:
The plural of fish should be fishes.

Example plural: "Hey look! I caught me fishes!"

Example singular: "Hey look! I caught me fish."

You can thank me for your upcoming sleep.

Cold Ain't Warming....Smart Guy.

Dear Al Gore,

So why is it so cold out? Huh?

Think you're a smart guy....don't ya? Huh? Smart guy. The planet is warming up. Global warming.

'Fraid not, Tubby. Cuz I'm cold. And cold ain't warming. Tubby.

I'm not even sure what your motive is. Do you own stock in Carrier? Maybe a little Freon Business in Texas? Maybe you're hoping to buy some cheap land at the Arctic Circle when folks move out cuz it's so 'warm'.

The globe is warming. But it's cold. But the warmth is coming...correct? Tubby?

When?

And where did you get your science degree anyhow...Tubby? Were the classrooms warm? And that was good, correct? And the cold is bad, correct? And you're an idiot, correct? And Tubby, correct?

A Tubby, lying, fake scientist. That's what you are. Is that correct? Are you warm or cold?

Ever been to the Arctic Circle? Is it warm?? I think NOT!!! Is the ice melted?? I think NOT!! Are our cities flooded?? Well...maybe a couple of them, but they're down south and nobody much cares.

So To Sum Up:
I'm cold and Al Gore is a tubby idiot.

Or he's correct and we're all gonna die wonderfully warm deaths.

Summing up is hard to do.

So I'm on (in) an airplane yesterday when all of a sudden the man stewardess came on the speaker to inform the passengers that the noise we just heard was a 'balloon popping on the aircraft'

So To Sum Up:
Al Qaeda is so weakened by our aggressive stance in Iraq that they've now resorting to just trying to startle us using balloons.

So To Double Sum Up:
We are no longer allowed to bring balloons on planes.

So To Triple Sum Up:
People that work at airports and the airlines always refer to the airplanes as 'aircraft'

Always. Like it's a rule. Or something. Aircraft.

So to Quadruple Sum Up:
If you want to impress chicks like Leo DiCaprio does in 'Catch Me If You Can' by pretending to be a pilot make sure you call the plane 'an aircraft'.

So To Sum Up To Whatever We Call the Number 5 Slot:
Airplane folk and people in the airplane business are kooky. And they have 'man stewardesses'. They call them SissyCraft.

FBI Arrests 'The Greaseball,' 'Jackie the Nose,' 'Tommy Sneakers,' and 'Bobby the Jew'...

So it seems that the FBI made a sweeping arrest of numerous members of the Gambino Family....

I wish I was in the mob just to get a cool nickname.

And with this being an election year I was thinking what the mob would nickname current and former politicians.

1. 'Georgy Dimrod'

2. 'Hillary the Cackle'

3. Johnny 'Splattered Brains' Kennedy

4. Richie 'The Crook' Nixon

5. 'Rudy the Major'

6. 'No-tofu Taft'

7. Mike 'Helmethead' Dukakis

8. John 'Munster' Kerry

You get the idea....

Bite a 'Ho

So last night I'm watching the results of the primary voting across the Unites States when all of a sudden it hit me.



It hit me bigtime.



I was stunned. Amazed. I knew what I had to do.



It seems the United States doesn't have any states that begin with the letter B. I'm here to change that.



And not only that....but I'm gonna change who lives in those states and what goes on in those states.



Because I'm in charge. Or something.



1. Bearizona: This will be a great state...but just for bears.



2. Best Virginia: This will be the better of the two Virginias. The Best Virginia. Only the better people will be allowed to live here.



3. Barkansas: This will be a state just for dogs....seems fitting that Hillary Clinton was from here. Be warned....Barkansas will be a noisy state.



4. Blokelahoma: This is where we'll put all transplanted British folk. Toot-toot, bip-bip.



5. Bi-oming: This is where we'll put the gay folk and bi-sexuals. It'll be like San Francisco but not as cool.



6. Boregon: This will be just for the dullards.



7. Balabama-wop-boom-bam: This is where Little Richard will live. Unless he relocates to Bi-oming.



8. Boo Hampshire: This is where all the dead people will 'live'. They will not be happy.



These are just some of my early ideas. I might make all states begin with other letters that are not in use. I'm undecided.

The Stab Your Eyes Out Game.

It's actually called The Politics Game.

And today is Super Tuesday in (the real) America and voters in about 20 states cast their ballots for their choices.

So spin the spinner and move around the board.

If you:

1. Land on Cankles....stab you eyes out. (cankles are that unknown region on Hillary where the ankle ends and the calf begins....it's hard to spot as it just looks like one weird stovepipe)

2. Land on Ronald Reagan...enjoy 8 years of peace and prosperity!

3. Land on Hillary....QUICK! get up before the stank seeps in!

4. Land on Obama...feel good about yourself for a few months and then realize he probably won't get much done.

5. Land on Romney...get a spiffy haircut.

6. Land on McCann...high five everyone around you...except McCann....seems his arm doesn't go up because of the 'torture' he received in Vietnam. Or something.

7. Land on Jimmy Carter...be ineffective for the rest of the game.

8. Land on JFK...bang some hot broads.

9. Land on Bill Clinton...bang some ugly broads.

10. Land on Hillary Clinton again....stab your eyes out!

11. Land on Bob Dole....is he even still alive? Lose tightly gripped pencil.

12. Land on George W. Bush....is he even still alive? Stab your eyes out.

13. Land on something called a Huckabee...move to the next space.

14. Land on Health Care....mock the Clinton's failed health care plan. Stab eyes out.

15. Land on Teddy Kennedy...stab your eyes out.

16. Land on Rudy G....he's America's Mayor! Milk 9/11 for all it's worth.

17. Land on John Kerry....stab eyes out. Once more. Gouge 'em good. Make sure they're out of your skull. Must not take chance of seeing his ugly mug EVER again. Stab eyes one more time. Twice. STABSTABSTAB!

18. Land on Al Gore...ohhhh....he's gotten chubby! Lose meal allowance. Stab eyes out before they heat up the planet.

19. Land on Al Sharpton....stab out Whitey's eyes.

20. Land on Jesse Jackson....ask him how Tito is. Stab eyes out.

21. Land on Adolf Hitler....start thousand year reich. Make it last 12 years. Kill jews, pat puppies. Shoot eyes out in bunker.

And how does one win this game?

Vote the way I'm voting. That's how.

So to sum up:
ABC....Anyone But Hillary. It's my mantra. It should be yours.

(Shake and Bake. El Diablo)

Super Bowl XXXOOO

I love football. But I love baseball more. A lot more.

I'm watching the Super Bowl last night and my New England Patriots got spanked big time and it didn't really even bother me. I slept like a baby afterwards.

Now if my Red Sox lose a heartbreaker in the middle of May I'm up tossin' and turnin' all night long.

So to sum up:

Football is a nice little game in the winter.

Baseball is what cures cancer.

Or something. Go Red Sox!

XXOO

Exxon / Mobil have record profits!

And it's a good thing.

Cuz if they didn't make a huge profit how could they afford to have all those gas station attendents pumping our gas, cleaning our windshield, checking our oil and tire pressure?

And those cool hats.

Dead Jews on carnival float (AND HITLER!)

First off I'd like to apologize for not having another blog post about starving mud cookie eatin' Haitians. You come to expect those kinda heart warming, belly fillin' stories.

But by the looks of my subject box something more important came up.

(I'd like to thank the Hoag for sending me this story.)

Seems there is a big carnival in Rio De Janeiro and some group of brainiacs decided to make a float with big piles of dead Jews on it and then have a guy dressed as Hitler standing on top of it.

I'm not making that up.

But the folks running the carnival ain't gonna let them. Can you believe that? They won't let them have a carnival float depicting dead jews with Hitler standing on top of them.

Here is the link to the full story: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22934625

What has the world come to when ya can't view a parade with dead Jews on a carnival float? And a guy dressed as Hitler standing on top of them.

The horror...

PS:
I never even knew dead Jews could float. Can dead Germans float?